I don't see myself ever dating. but is it cowardly to not try?

[RileyReef]

Hey, thanks for clicking! I'm 34, I'm single, and where I am in my life I look ahead and one of those facts I can't imagine changing (and unfortunately, it's not my age).

 

Brief story time is that I went to like in a kids home when I was a teenager and there I met this girl who, well actually I didn't like her much at first ha, but ultimately she grew into the love my life. We started dating when I was 15 (and she was 16). We weren't perfect people, we had our own baggage, so maybe the writing was always on the wall, but I was head over heels. When I was 17 she fell pregnant, I was so excited. In retrospect I probably bulldozed over all her concerns and worries, I didn't mean to, I was just young and so wanted this little family. We were happy, for the most part, normal troubles but when I look back on those next few years of my life they were fantastic, wonderful years. When I was 22 (and our daughter 'C' was 5) my gf took her own life. She battled her mental health all the time, it wasn't the first time she'd been that low. It was the first time that she hadn't called me though.

My post here isn't a sympathy post though! My daughter is my life. She's 17 now, the spit of her mum at that age, but personality wise she's so like me, and she is just my absolute best friend, best buddy, all of it.

We moved to the country, I started a business, but by far the best thing in my life is being a dad. About 7 years ago I decided that I wanted to give back in a sense, give a lifeline of sorts to kid in a situation like me. So I started doing whats known as long term fosters, kids that for whatever reason are not going to go back to live with parents/guardians before they 'age out' at 18, and equally are not going to be up for adoption. I never did it for the money, to me aging out isn't a thing. I do it to give kids family and family is family whatever age you are!

First lad 'D' came to live with me at 11 and he's 18 now, still lives with me, works for my business, family.

I also fostered a girl 'T' 6 years ago who is 22 now, she doesn't live with us anymore but she is still very much in my life.

I then have a 16 year old girl 'M' who has been with me for just over a year. Cracking kid, she just settled in so fast (and honestly I can't even imagine how quiet the house must have been before she moved in ).

I'm thinking of taking another kid on as well, this is actually really recent, I only started having talks about it the other day, so we'll see on that one.

 

Anyway, to the point of my post - my kids are my life. All of it. I haven't had a serious relationship since my daughters mum, thats 12 years!! I've never introduced a girl to my daughter!

I was seeing someone for about a year a couple of years ago, that's the longest anything casual has ever lasted. She was a model so she was travelling so much, it worked perfectly because we'd catch up whenever she was in town and when she wasn't we'd carry on with our own lives. We kind of mutually ended it when we both realised we were getting deeper feelings, because their was never a real future. I did like her though, she was ever so funny.

 

My friends question all the time why I don't 'try to meet someone' for real. But what even is that? The answer I always give them? "I don't have time". 

I know that’s partly rubbish, you make time for the things you care about after all. But partly true, my kids take up a lot of my time, most of my time, and I wouldn't change that but any girl who walks into my life is going to have to come second to that and that's a lot to ask.

Secondly, I think the 'type' of girl that I hit it off with, is not necessarily the 'type' of girl that would be looking to play instant families. As in I tend to go for girls who are a bit younger than me (late 20's, early 30's), and I'm attracted to people who want to have fun! If you'd jump in the pool fully clothed, join a stranger on the karaoke, or divide a shopping list and flat out race me round Tesco supermarket sweep style, then you're the kind of girl that's going to catch my eye. And it's always been my view point (so honestly shout at me if im wrong ) that that kinda girl isnt looking for instant family.

 

I've never online dated (and I'm a huge skeptic! Again, shout at me! How does it work, I don't get it?). I just think, is the phrase 'looking for a unicorn'? I'm looking for a unicorn, and I just think I'm being realstic about that: I don't want to change my lifestyle or the time I spend with my kids and equally I don't want to date someone just because they are up for my lifestyle. What's the point if it isnt a genuine connection? I've been by myself just fine for this long.

 

So I guess that's the root of my problem/question. I want to know what the completely unbias opinion of internet folk is? Am I being realistic? Which is fine. My situation isnt likely to change much for another 10 years at least. Or am I being a massive coward by not even trying? Am I still running from romantic relationships even 12 years later? I give the kids so much advice about taking chances and trying things even if you might fail, that I do have to challenge myself if that's the case

Edited November 15, 2020 by RileyReef

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about the death of the love of your life.  

You clearly have the capacity to love & be loved.  Like you said though, people make time for what's important to them.  Right now your kids are a priority & that is OK.  Maybe in the future you will meet somebody.  Maybe you won't but you get fulfillment through your kids & what you are doing is a lovely, admirable thing.

Perhaps you should take the advice you give to your kids & be open.  By that I mean if you see someone you think is attractive, ask them on a date.  A date is just a get to know you meeting with a pressure filled name.  You are agreeing to spend a few hours talking, nothing more.  If it's mutually enjoyable, do it again.  If it wasn't fun, try somebody else.  

[Versacehottie]

Wow.  I guess I don't have a really good answer for you.  Just wanted to say that it is impressive what you have done for these kids!  And of course very sorry about the mother of your child.

Hmmm, the only advice I have to offer is that if you are here asking it must be on your mind, right?  And you can be a better person and role model to them if you are happy.  Obviously you have to chose a girlfriend, partner very carefully because of the kids and it will be a little more challenging to find the right person because your situation is more unique.  I think you can't forget about yourself.  I can't imagine you have much time though.  Wondering if maybe the next child you are thinking about fostering is something you can forgo? If you don't already know the child, I think you should, then your own life will become a priority sooner.  Idk, if it gives you purpose though, it can be beneficial to keep doing what you are doing.  Maybe take 10 or so years off and find a likeminded person during that time and if it's still something you'd like to keep doing you could pick back up after you have time to find your person.  Idk, I just think people are happiest when they have romantic love directed at them.  And you have been sacrificing that.  Good luck

[FMW]

You're not being a coward and taking chances and trying things doesn't mean that you have to try EVERYTHING right now.  Sounds like your life is very full and busy, and opening your home to children over these past years is a brave and beyond generous thing to do.

When and if the time comes to date, you'll know, and you'll have the motivation and clear desire to do so.  It's natural for friends to want each other to be happily paired, but don't let their concern over you not dating make you doubt where you're at right now.  

[Miss Spider]

Yes, it’s actually refreshing a person who takes parenthood and its priority serious on this forum...

The bottom line is do you want a significant other? What did add to the quality of your life? If so, then yes you should try. Don’t let your fears get in your way. I’ve let my fears get in the way of a lot of things in my life and I’ve always regretted it. You may stumble upon your “unicorn“ or you may actually find a completely different thing altogether that you never knew you wanted. That’s an interesting thing about it. I don’t think you’re being unrealistic though. You seem to wang an outgoing, adventurous woman that will fit into your life. If that is what you want, go for it. 

Edited November 16, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ShyViolet]

What do YOU want?  In your post it's hard to tell what you really want, you sound like you are worrying more about what other people think you should do.  Stop worrying about how your life "looks" to other people, or whether you are living your life the way society says you are "supposed" to, and ask yourself what you really want?  If what you truly want is a relationship, then be open to it.  But if you honestly don't want a relationship, then live your life the way you want, unapologetically.

[lana-banana]

You sound like a wonderful and giving person, and you have done incredible things for your children. But it's no wonder you haven't had the time or inclination to date; I got tired just thinking about what your life is like. And there is absolutely nothing wrong about not needing a long-term romantic partner for personal fulfillment. Maybe you just want to date occasionally for companionship, or perhaps not at all. That's okay. I certainly wouldn't recommend dating just because you think you should be doing it. Ask yourself what it is that you're looking for, and is a romantic partner the best way for you to get it?

But if you do decide you want to date, I think you are the kind of person who's actually best served by online dating. You can describe your life and what you're looking for up front, and if women respond you'll know that they're at least willing to give your lifestyle a shot. Honestly, " If you'd jump in the pool fully clothed, join a stranger on the karaoke, or divide a shopping list and flat out race me round Tesco supermarket sweep style, then you're the kind of girl that's going to catch my eye." is a perfect line for an online profile. I would recommend opening your age range somewhat, at least initially, just to see the general age range of your respondents and then go from there. I'm sure your kids would be willing to help, too.

 

[Weezy1973]

There’s no “right” kind of relationship. For example with the model, why couldn’t that continued on indefinitely? As long as you both were happy with it, why not? 

[RileyReef]

22 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 By that I mean if you see someone you think is attractive, ask them on a date.  A date is just a get to know you meeting with a pressure filled name.  

Yeah, I’m okay with that tbf. As in I haven’t been a monk for 12 years. I do meet girls but it’s always like a causal fling type of thing, never serious dating

20 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

 I think you can't forget about yourself.  I can't imagine you have much time though.  Wondering if maybe the next child you are thinking about fostering is something you can forgo? If you don't already know the child, I think you should, then your own life will become a priority sooner.  Idk, if it gives you purpose though, it can be beneficial to keep doing what you are doing.  Maybe take 10 or so years off and find a likeminded person during that time and if it's still something you'd like to keep doing you could pick back up after you have time to find your person. 

Firstly, thank you Secondly, no, and this is where I think potentially I am too ridged for dating to work, but for me there is completely no compromise for me when it comes to my kids and what I do! You’re right you know, this is my purpose I feel, this is what my life’s about!

20 hours ago, FMW said:

You're not being a coward and taking chances and trying things doesn't mean that you have to try EVERYTHING right now.  Sounds like your life is very full and busy, and opening your home to children over these past years is a brave and beyond generous thing to do.

When and if the time comes to date, you'll know, and you'll have the motivation and clear desire to do so.  It's natural for friends to want each other to be happily paired, but don't let their concern over you not dating make you doubt where you're at right now.  

Yeah that is a very good point!! And thank you!

You’re right as well, maybe it is my friends, well intentioned, concerns that have sort of put it in my head!

[RileyReef]

20 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

The bottom line is do you want a significant other? What did add to the quality of your life? If so, then yes you should try. 

Great question that! I guess, the truthful answer is that in my day to day like I don’t feel like I’m missing out whatsoever, I have a very full life and I don’t think about it at all. If I look at life from a more year to year standpoint then I guess it’d be nice to have that person by your side through the years (like I had with my daughters mum), but, I’m not willing to change my lifestyle really so I know that isn’t the best angle to approach dating from.

18 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

What do YOU want?  In your post it's hard to tell what you really want, you sound like you are worrying more about what other people think you should do.  Stop worrying about how your life "looks" to other people, or whether you are living your life the way society says you are "supposed" to, and ask yourself what you really want?  If what you truly want is a relationship, then be open to it.  But if you honestly don't want a relationship, then live your life the way you want, unapologetically.

Good advice that! I guess the answer is a bit of both of those, I probably am being a little influenced by what ‘society says’, im Perfectly happy as I am! But deep deep down would I like ‘someone’, yeah probably. 
But not enough that I’m willing to compromise much

 

[RileyReef]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

You sound like a wonderful and giving person, and you have done incredible things for your children. But it's no wonder you haven't had the time or inclination to date; I got tired just thinking about what your life is like.

Thank you! Haha yeah just today I was at work at 5am, took my 18yr old foster son to college at 9am because his cars got a flat, picked 16yr old foster daughter up from school at 2pm because she fainted, then I’ve been doing coursework with her for a good hour whilst also cooking dinner and simultaneously learning TikTok dances with my 17yr old! Life’s never dull. Haha!

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

And there is absolutely nothing wrong about not needing a long-term romantic partner for personal fulfillment. Maybe you just want to date occasionally for companionship, or perhaps not at all. That's okay. I certainly wouldn't recommend dating just because you think you should be doing it. Ask yourself what it is that you're looking for, and is a romantic partner the best way for you to get it?

Interesting Yeah, I mean having a romantic partner definitely gives you something, even when I was seeing the model girl casually for that time, yeah she added something to my life. But I think it’s a case of something I ENJOY, not something I NEED!
But do I really have enough to offer a girl, she’d always be second priority, that’s a lot to ask of someone!

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

But if you do decide you want to date, I think you are the kind of person who's actually best served by online dating... I'm sure your kids would be willing to help, too.

Yeah maybe. Thing is, I tend to have this problem where the women who are on board with my lifestyle are not the ones I’m interested in. (I don’t know if that’s coincidental or just because of the type of girl I go for or something else entirely). My friends set me up with someone (just before coronavirus) and I get why they wanted us to meet.. she was a few years older than me, a primary school teacher, and so interested in the fostering, but from my side I just felt like we had nothing in common Nice lady but I don’t think I was what she was expecting haha

 

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

There’s no “right” kind of relationship. For example with the model, why couldn’t that continued on indefinitely? As long as you both were happy with it, why not? 

Trueeeeee! So with her, I was happy with it, and she was and we just got one so well, like she really made me laugh! She used to send me voice notes on WhatsApp telling me stories about her day that had me crying

What we had worked for both of us! But problem was I knew that I was starting to have stronger feelings for her, and she felt the same for me, and so then we kind of had to end it because otherwise, we’d of been setting ourselves up for heartbreak because our relationship had no future! She’s about 5 years younger than me, travelling round the world, certainly not ready to take on a man with 4 or 5 kids!

She’s probably the only one though since my daughters mum where I can say she really did add something more to my life! She’s a good girl, we still chat sometimes

[gamon]

On 11/15/2020 at 12:48 PM, RileyReef said:

Am I being realistic? Which is fine. My situation isnt likely to change much for another 10 years at least. Or am I being a massive coward by not even trying? Am I still running from romantic relationships even 12 years later?

No. Yes. Probably but it could just be fear that's what it sounds like to me.

[Miss Spider]

3 hours ago, RileyReef said:

Great question that! I guess, the truthful answer is that in my day to day like I don’t feel like I’m missing out whatsoever, I have a very full life and I don’t think about it at all. If I look at life from a more year to year standpoint then I guess it’d be nice to have that person by your side through the years (like I had with my daughters mum), but, I’m not willing to change my lifestyle really so I know that isn’t the best angle to approach dating from.

 

 

I see. Given this info, I think you should try, if only to be sure. However, I would say that if it’s true that you never think about it or feel no desire day to day for a relationship, it’s probably not for you. I can see you like it in a more idealistic sense - growing old with someone and having them there by your side through thick and thin ... but there are daily implications to that. Even in the most compatible relationships, there is still fair deal of compromise. You are going to be some things you want to do, but can’t because of your partner. Or things your partner wants your partner wants to do, but you don’t want to do and vice versa. Lifestyle’ is pretty broad and you can certainly find someone who fits into that, but to expect that there will be 0 compromise and you and your partner will be in perfect alignment all the time is in feasible IMO 

[Ami1uwant]

My two cents....you know ehat kind of person you are.  So you need find someone who fits. Thsts the hard part.  
 

If you do meet someone at this time they might have kids too or they might want to have kids.

 

withyour child older there are things you didn’t do in your 20s.  Do you want to do some of this now?

[RileyReef]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I see. Given this info, I think you should try, if only to be sure. However, I would say that if it’s true that you never think about it or feel no desire day to day for a relationship, it’s probably not for you. I can see you like it in a more idealistic sense - growing old with someone and having them there by your side through thick and thin ... but there are daily implications to that. Even in the most compatible relationships, there is still fair deal of compromise. You are going to be some things you want to do, but can’t because of your partner. Or things your partner wants your partner wants to do, but you don’t want to do and vice versa. Lifestyle’ is pretty broad and you can certainly find someone who fits into that, but to expect that there will be 0 compromise and you and your partner will be in perfect alignment all the time is in feasible IMO 

This is all very very true!! I agree on every word really!

I think you’re right with how I view a relationship, I can’t always imagine where in my life a relationship would actually fit it, so when I think about dating I think about those exact idealistic goals you talk about!

Then of course you are right about the compromise thing! I’m not really quite sure where or when that sort of ‘hard line’ came about for me. I didn’t used to be like that, I’d have moved to the moon if my daughters mum had asked me too! Whatever things were wrong In our relationship, we were quite good at compromising and finding a middle ground. Even now with my kids, I live in a house with three teens, I’m pretty much the king of compromise! Haha! 
But when I think about someone external coming into that life I have with them.... I feel very protective of it, and I see myself as very unwilling to sacrifice much about it!
 

I guess I do come back to that ‘you make time for what you care about’. It is true! And when I was dating the model girl, to be fair, in the latter stages of that I made time to see her every time she was back in town, and that didn’t feel hard, it felt like it fit just fine! But I guess that is because by that point I wanted to see her. 
So maybe if someone sticks with me for long enough, and I like them enough, then I can make some compromises about my life and my time. But their are somethings that are impossible compromises, number 1 being anything to do with my kids.

 

[Wiseman2]

It's fine if you just want casual dating. In fact if you miss your daughter's mother as a full-time real partner, maybe casual is best.

What kind of female role models do the girls you foster have? How did you manage to get that many foster kids as a single working man?

Does the government pay you appropriately for them, thier accommodation, food, medical care, etc?

[Acacia98]

On 11/16/2020 at 5:11 PM, lana-banana said:

You sound like a wonderful and giving person, and you have done incredible things for your children. But it's no wonder you haven't had the time or inclination to date; I got tired just thinking about what your life is like. And there is absolutely nothing wrong about not needing a long-term romantic partner for personal fulfillment. Maybe you just want to date occasionally for companionship, or perhaps not at all. That's okay. I certainly wouldn't recommend dating just because you think you should be doing it. Ask yourself what it is that you're looking for, and is a romantic partner the best way for you to get it?

 

This is  the post that best expresses my sentiments on the subject, @RileyReef.

Basically, it comes down to what you want. If you're feeling happy and fulfilled, it is okay to be single. I can totally relate to you in that, when I'm doing what gives me joy, I can be happy being single in the long term.

Edited November 17, 2020 by Acacia98

[RileyReef]

16 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

If you do meet someone at this time they might have kids too or they might want to have kids.

withyour child older there are things you didn’t do in your 20s.  Do you want to do some of this now?

I don’t think someone having kids would be an issue for me. As for doing stuff I didn’t do in my 20s, nah, it’s not really about that for me, I’m not really looking for any major lifestyle changes I’m content as is.

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

This is  the post that best expresses my sentiments on the subject, @RileyReef.

Basically, it comes down to what you want. If you're feeling happy and fulfilled, it is okay to be single. I can totally relate to you in that, when I'm doing what gives me joy, I can be happy being single in the long term.

yeah, I guess it’s a matter of doing some soul searching really Because it’s not a question I’m unhappy with my life, not at all! I’m very happy, and I’m certainly not lonely.

I guess last time I was seeing someone, I enjoyed the addition to my life of a bit of flirting, someone to have a bit of a kiss and a cuddle with, and as time went on and I started to care about her more I guess it was just nice like having that person to be a team with.. even if it was just chatting on the phone about her day or whatever
But none of that is essential to my happiness - my kids are essential to my happiness!

[RileyReef]

13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine if you just want casual dating. In fact if you miss your daughter's mother as a full-time real partner, maybe casual is best.

What kind of female role models do the girls you foster have? How did you manage to get that many foster kids as a single working man?

Does the government pay you appropriately for them, thier accommodation, food, medical care, etc?

I miss my daughters mum for sure, life goes on for sure but of course a part of me will always miss her, our time was too short!

You don’t have to be in a couple to foster! That’s one of the biggest misconceptions, I don’t realise it myself until I talked to someone who already fostered and that was where the whole thing started for me! As for getting placed with new kids, I’m actually good at it! I’ve never had to give up on a kid yet (and honestly if you lived the early days with the eldest girl with me, you’d know that statement was a real achievement! Haha). I’ve kept every kid they placed me with.

Yeah you get paid but only till they are 18 (which to my mind is ridiculous!! Absolutely should be changed to 21 imho). So I only get paid for my 16 year old at the moment.

[Ollie180]

I just wanted to say, that as someone who experienced ageing out of foster care and having no other support system in place, I have mad respect for what you do!

 

As for your question, no, I don’t think it’s cowedly, I don’t see the point in making an effort to date when you’re lukewarm on it anyway. I kinda see your point I think if you online date people are going to assume you are in a place where dating is what you want, and that’s not where you’re at. Don’t put the cart before the horse, I think you’re more likely to just meet some fall for them a new everything else fall into place

What sticks out to me though is what you said about the model, dated her for a year, and called it quits because you basically caught feelings? Why? If you liked her and she liked you, why didn’t you give it a proper shot? I still won’t use the word cowedly fella but...

[RileyReef]

23 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

What sticks out to me though is what you said about the model

Sidenote: She’s actually not a model at the moment thanks to covid, I spoke to her a few weeks ago and she’s temporarily driving ambulances of all things (I can’t really imagine it )

23 hours ago, Ollie180 said:

What sticks out to me though is what you said about the model, dated her for a year, and called it quits because you basically caught feelings? Why? If you liked her and she liked you, why didn’t you give it a proper shot? I still won’t use the word cowedly fella but...

Hmmm. Yeah maybe. But there’s like skydiving and then there’s jumping out a plane with no parachute right? She was only like 27 at the time and I had three teenagers! I just felt like, I would have been asking too much of her, and we’d kind of come to that point where we wanted more from each other than what we had and to give her more if of had to open my life up to her, and yeah I guess I would have been upset if she’d then walked away, and if it had caused disruption for my kids. I guess before I do that I want some sense of safety, some sense that it will work out - but you’re not wrong, I’m never going to know something will work out without trying right!