Moving in together when you're having 'problems' good or terrible idea?

[turokturok5]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We got together at university, studying the same course and have both just started our careers ~6 months ago. We both still live at home and had loosely been discussing moving in together, she is really eager to leave home, but I am hesitant as we are both working casually and we find out if we have work on a fortnightly basis, we could both be out of work by next week. 

About a month ago I had noticed things had changed a bit between us - we hadn't been intimate together for months and just didn't seem to "click" as well anymore. I brought this up with her and we had a serious talk about our relationship and our future. What she wants is to move out with me ASAP to progress to a more "mature" relationship and she had been distancing herself from myself and the relationship because I wasn't as keen to move out as she was and she questioned whether we were a good fit - she is approaching 30 and is worried that if I'm not the one she is running out of time to find the person that is. 

Anyway, we have decided we would try and move in together. I love her and I want to do this, but we are still having issues with intimacy. I'm just concerned that this will persist and moving in together isn't just going to magically fix the relationship. Is it a bad idea? 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. How feasible is moving in from a financial standpoint if your jobs are not stable.

She does have a point that at 30 years old, living with parents is going nowhere.

How can you be intimate if you both live with your parents?

This seems more like a fork in the road since you want to stay home and she wants to move forward.

You don't really need to find reasons to not move in.

[Versacehottie]

um no you have the big two: looming money problems and sex problems,  Why in the world would you move in together?!?!!!  Also you've been together since college, which sounds more like familiarity and a sense of security and friendship rather than romantic love and something that is growing.  I don't think you should do it.  You will waste time and money, perhaps get stuck in a lease.  You are growing apart--you just need to face it.

Moving in together when you are essentially running from something (living at home) is a terrible idea.  I hope you choose correctly.  At least pause move in talks and see if you can get the relationship back on track. Good luck

[Miss Spider]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

um no you have the big two: looming money problems and sex problems,  Why in the world would you move in together?!?!!!  Also you've been together since college, which sounds more like familiarity and a sense of security and friendship rather than romantic love and something that is growing.  I don't think you should do it.  You will waste time and money, perhaps get stuck in a lease.  You are growing apart--you just need to face it.

Moving in together when you are essentially running from something (living at home) is a terrible idea.  I hope you choose correctly.  At least pause move in talks and see if you can get the relationship back on track. Good luck

I agree with this. Also it seems she’s implied the solution to your intimacy and lack of connection would be to move in together so she feels more secure.(?) but I highly doubt this is going to improve just because you guys move in together. 

[Happy Lemming]

Here is a suggestion (if you can afford it)... You get an apartment and she stays with you two weeks on, two weeks off and do that for a couple of months.  You'll quickly find out if you are looking forward to her staying for two weeks (during the off weeks) or if you are looking forward to her leaving after being there for two weeks.

My girlfriend is being priced out of the rental market here and will be forced to live with me at the end of her lease (next Fall).  It's been a while since either of us lived with another person, so we are both concerned.  We are doing a two week on and two week off kind of arrangement to work out any potential issues, so far... so good.

That being said... we have been dating almost 9 years and are quite a bit older than you and your girlfriend (55+).

[d0nnivain]

Approaching 30 she hears her bio clock ticking.  After 3 years together you have to have some sense of the future with her.  

If she wants to move in together because she can't afford to move out on her own, that's not a great reason to cohabitate.  The fact that you see both of your careers as shaky right now is a good reason to not sign a lease you may not be able to afford.  

Your problems can be addressed without cohabitation.  Do something romantic for her.  Send her a sweet card in the mail.   Plan a romantic dinner or get a hotel for the weekend.   Buy her some flowers.  She needs that extra shot of romance.  

Once you make her feel desired again, talk about the practicalities.  Show her a budget.  Ask her to create one for herself -- even off the top of her head during the conversation, no spread sheet required.  Talk about your fears that you or she may be laid off.  Discuss contingencies.  

Since you are the more pessimistic one about your financial future encourage her to get her own apartment.  Then you come visit her.   Help her look.  Be there for her.  Help her move.  Show her you are supportive even if you can't agree to move in over economics.   If she's really gun-ho about moving in together,  set a date when you will revisit the issue:  after a Covid vaccine?  after the inauguration?  March?  June?  after you get a raise?   Give her something to look forward to but keep your word.  If the answer is still no on the move in at that time, do the analysis about whether you think you could see yourself marrying in the future.  If you are still unsure, maybe it's time to let her go because you would be holding her back at that point.  

[Watercolors]

8 hours ago, turokturok5 said:

Anyway, we have decided we would try and move in together. I love her and I want to do this, but we are still having issues with intimacy. I'm just concerned that this will persist and moving in together isn't just going to magically fix the relationship. Is it a bad idea? 

100 % absolutely positively terrible idea. Do not move in with your girlfriend. Both of you should get roommates and continue to date each other, so that you have the space to focus on your budding careers, and to maneuver through your rocky patch with your sex life and intimacy.

There have been books written, songs written, movies made about how moving in with your significant other to "solve problems" NEVER works out. I'd list a few but all you have to do is search the internet and you'll find what I'm talking about. Just don't do it. You cannot solve intimacy problems by moving in together. You can solve intimacy problems by going to therapy together. And you can split the cost on that.

[d0nnivain]

18 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

You can solve intimacy problems by going to therapy together. 

In a dating relationship if you need therapy to make it work, just break up. 

@Watercolors I got the sense that part of their intimacy problems are logistical.  Since they both live at home during a pandemic there just isn't a place to have sex.  That intimacy issue can be solved by cohabitation but alone it's a dumb reason to live together.  

[Watercolors]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

In a dating relationship if you need therapy to make it work, just break up. 

@Watercolors I got the sense that part of their intimacy problems are logistical.  Since they both live at home during a pandemic there just isn't a place to have sex.  That intimacy issue can be solved by cohabitation but alone it's a dumb reason to live together.  

Yes, it is a dumb reason to live together -- just so they can have sex without their parents home. I still think they need to get their own separate apartments and/or live with roommates or a roommate for help with rent, and then they can have sex at each other's places and if need be, go to couples therapy. But if the logistic of living at home prevents them from having sex for 3 years, I find that rather hard to believe. No one in their 30s can be celibate for 3 years while living at home. There's places called "hotels."

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

But if the logistic of living at home prevents them from having sex for 3 years, I find that rather hard to believe. 

I thought there were on campus together & living life.  Covid happened.  They moved home.  They graduated & began working 6 months ago so the logistical problems are new. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Terrible idea. It's so tempting to think that moving in solves a relationship problem. There are people who get married for that same reason all the time. Big mistake--all living together (or marrying someone) does is highlight and exacerbate intimacy problems. Now, you're AROUND all the time someone you're not clicking with. Intimacy is not a function of being around someone. If the relationship is working, you would FIND time to be around each other--because that time would be so enjoyable.

There is another problem: you seemingly don't want to do this, and you're not owning up to your feelings.

What exactly is the intimacy problem that you speak of? Something about the relationship right now doesn't feel right to you. What is that? Is there any chance that you simply don't want to face the reality that you no longer feel excited and at peace in being with her? You likely didn't see your change in feelings coming. You're freaked out that you suddenly don't feel strongly about this woman. And you might be feeling guilty and very scared of telling her that you're just not feeling it for her like you used to. 

You also want to name her maneuvering right now. She's saying we need to move in to be mature. She's hiding her desire and thinking behind the mantle of "maturity." Her words are designed--whether consciously or unconsciously doesn't matter--to get you questioning your doubts, to get you on the defensive.  A really sharp partner wouldn't want you to move in with all your doubts. It's not your job to worry about her timetable or her clock ticking or any of that. 

So dude, what's really bothering you about the relationship? Define that. See if that can be repaired or is worth repairing--BEFORE even thinking about moving in with her.

[smackie9]

I agree it's not a good idea ....yet. Explain that to her, that while moving in together seems a mature move, due to the circumstances it's immature to do so. Take it from me, moving in together is a very tough adjustment and will challenge your relationship even more than what's going on right now. You two should focus on your relationship issues first. It's going to be difficult to convince her that you are in it to win it. Lots of talking, planning and reaching goals together, and meeting the needs of reconnecting. Get back to being a romantic couple, going out on dates, showing up with flowers, dress up, do nice things like give compliments etc. Get away for a weekend at a affordable B&B, or get a hotel room...figure it out.

[lana-banana]

Yes, moving in together is a bad idea under your current circumstances. If you think your relationship is tough now, just imagine what it'll be like when you're both scrounging for rent. But I think it's important to note that if your circumstances were different---that is, if you had enough money to securely afford a one-year lease---you would want to do it. That is very different from most situations when people aren't sure whether cohabiting is a good idea.

Any relationship would take a hit when both parties are living at home with parents. From what you said, it's hard to tell whether she's dissatisfied with you or just the nature of the relationship. It sounds like she's yearning for something more stable, and you are (rightly and realistically) pointing out why that can't happen right now. My suggestion would be to work together and formulate a joint plan for saving up and moving out in X number of months or after you've raised Y amount of money. Show her you want to be proactive and move the relationship forward, but in a smart and reasonable way. If she's serious about you, she'll be all in. 

[major_merrick]

I suspect that moving in will bring you new and different problems, rather than solving all of your current ones.

If intimacy is your primary issue, moving in WILL solve that.  Privacy and proximity tend to yield greater opportunities for close conversations and sex.  Parents tend to get in the way of those things.  But your financial issues may increase and change, so the whole exercise might end up being a failure.

[Watercolors]

Frankly, if you both are having financial problems right now, The last thing you should even be thinking about, is moving out. That's why I suggested roommates. But if that's not an option, then stay at home to ride out this pandemic anyway. Try to save your money while you live with your parents.

Who knows what the future will look like for anyone even 3 months from now regarding how the pandemic has effected so many in the workforce.

Try to resolve your intimacy issues with each other right now. Stop using location as the excuse for it to be resolved. If you two can't talk about your issues with each other openly, then moving into the same physical space won't fix that communication problem between you both.

And if you're both so horny for sex, go to a hotel on the weekends and enjoy yourselves.

[Miss Spider]

Reading the post again though, it doesn’t seem like it was a privacy issue that she was citing as the reason for lack of intimacy. It said she said she was distancing herself because of how she was viewing his maturity and willingness to move the relationship forward as an emotional divide between them. Sounds like BS to me, to be honest. I just don’t see her magically wanting to jump your bones because you move out and live together but what do I know. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Reading the post again though, it doesn’t seem like it was a privacy issue that she was citing as the reason for lack of intimacy. It said she said she was distancing herself because of how she was viewing his maturity and willingness to commit to the relationship as an emotional divide between them. 

If that is true, moving in will make the intimacy gulf more pronounced.  An address doesn't change how someone feels.  

The only "problem" moving in can fix is logistics.  But as I said don't move in to just to make it more convenient to have sex.  

[Maldives]

I see this as a double edged sword. If you move in it may smooth things over as she feels she's progressing. On the other hand it may not go that way and then your stuck living together and wanting space. Hard one. The other concern you have is money and affordability. Maybe show her a plan how you will get to that. Start by looking for more stable income and show her what steps you will take them take action. This will be a good thing anyway for you . That may settle her a little seeing steps are being taken to move in and see how that goes. In turn that may start repairing your relationship with her but don't keep doing what your doing now no plan living at home as shows no direction or initiative on your part. Start there start taking steps and have a realistic timeline when you can see yourself moving out. I think that may improve your relationship too but don't just talk it, walk it show action and results and that your moving that way then when you do have a stable income and you see improvements in your relationship it'll give both of you more confidence to make the move ...make sense ? 

 

[ShyViolet]

Yes it's a horrible idea to move in together if the relationship is having serious problems.  Moving in together does not "solve" relationship problems.  It actually just amplifies them.  And then you are in a difficult situation of having to uproot your life and move if you break up.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I have a different viewpoint.

I understand that she feels her clock ticking.  She is being honest with you about how she feels.  She is distancing herself so she can be prepared to break up.

My question to you is will you be ok with the break up?  Or will you realize too late that she is the one? How much you value the relationship will show in your actions.

At 30 you should be ready to settle down and start a family.  Regardless of the COVID situation, she should feel that you want these things and will put forth effort to get there.  No risk no reward.  
Don’t move in together and she may be gone.  That is her message.  Do move in and you both may break up but at least you will know you tried.  Or your life may be great. Think about which path you will regret more.
 

 

[boymommy]

Moving in together doesn't solve problems, it compounds them. If you are having issues now, they will get worse once you are spending more time together. Figure them out now. I don't agree that you should just break up in leu of therapy while you are dating. I think 3 years is a long time to invest in a relationship and it really depends on the reasons behind GOING to therapy that matter the most. Are they personality incompatabilities vs behavioral stuff that may be quite simple to remedy with the help of a third party. I am of the mindset that even if therapy is not successful, then at least you did everything you could and gave it your best shot and you won't have any regrets. My two cents.