deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 Hello, I want to raise a topic and know your opinions about that. I have herad that men (including my boyfriend) usually say this: " I respect her because she is my childhood friend and I don't flirt with her, or think a relationship, or see her b** or b****." Or "I respect her because she is the sister of my friend and I can't see her b*** or flirt with her." Firstly I don't get what is wrong with liking or wanting a relationship with the sister of your friend. If my best friend would tell me that she likes or is in love with my brother I would be happy. Ok I understand that if someone is a childhood friend you probably see her as sister so wouldn't consider a relationship. But why not with friend's sister? Secondly, why do they use the word "respect"? The way they say it "I respect her and don't flirt with her or consider her for a relationship...." makes me think that you don't respect the girl you want a relationship with... Basically if you respect a girl and don't want a relationship with her, it means you want a relationship with a girl you don't repect, which is a nonsesne... I know that is not true because most of the time guys respect girls they want a serious relationship with... but why do they have to say it like that. My boyfriend once told me: "I respect my colleagues so you don't have to think I would flirt or something" At one point of the discussion he told me: "I don't see them on b*** or b****. So I asked him, that he probably has seen me on these parts before the relationship. And he told me "On our first date, I told you I liked you and don't see you as a friend but want something more with you. I was falling in love and also desiring you" So based on what men (my boyfriend as well) says, it means he wasn't respecting me? It doesn't make any sense
SumGuy Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 No idea what b*** is by the way. I also don't get this mindset or at least way of phrasing it. Perhaps they have some weird madonna-whore thing going on. Perhaps they have no idea how to show potential romantic interest in a respectful way. I'm betting on a combo. I find this really odd... Quote "On our first date, I told you I liked you and don't see you as a friend but want something more with you. I was falling in love and also desiring you" Falling love the first date? Don't see you as a friend? I'm hoping he meant as more than a friend. I want people I sleep with to see me at least as friend, otherwise am I a human or just an human shaped object fulfilling some role they have for me.
MrPlop Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 I respect my ___ not to have a relationship with her = I respect the professional / interpersonal relationships I have with these females enough not to date them. Remember when someone says that, it means they first created some sort of bond with these people and then they need to decide whether to cross said boundaries and make it romantic as opposed to trying to trying to date someone from the very beginning where they clearly stated they don't see you as a friend.
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 14 minutes ago, SumGuy said: No idea what b*** is by the way. I also don't get this mindset or at least way of phrasing it. Perhaps they have some weird madonna-whore thing going on. Perhaps they have no idea how to show potential romantic interest in a respectful way. I'm betting on a combo. I find this really odd... Falling love the first date? Don't see you as a friend? I'm hoping he meant as more than a friend. I want people I sleep with to see me at least as friend, otherwise am I a human or just an human shaped object fulfilling some role they have for me. Actually not really first date. We worked together for about 6 months, then we started dating. But I could notice that from his side the affection was starting to turn into love. And of course he meant more than a friend. It is not that he is not serious with me. We are nearly engaged. I think that they don't know how to phrase it or express it because it really doesn't make any sense. Probably they mean that they don't see them as more than friends. 1
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 14 minutes ago, MrPlop said: I respect my ___ not to have a relationship with her = I respect the professional / interpersonal relationships I have with these females enough not to date them. Remember when someone says that, it means they first created some sort of bond with these people and then they need to decide whether to cross said boundaries and make it romantic as opposed to trying to trying to date someone from the very beginning where they clearly stated they don't see you as a friend. Well, he was telling me this for his colleages that he respects them. He told me that he doesn't see them at butt or boobs, that is what he meant with respect. I asked him what does that mean and started saying my point of view as in this thread. I told him "Before we were dating you saw my butt and boobs probably so does it mean you didn't respect me?" On another moment he told me "ok then, tomorrow I will see them on their butt and boobs".. ?? So I think that what he means is the fact that he respects me, that is why he doesn't see them on their body parts, not respect them. Or the way he is expressing makes me question the respect thing. I mean "You don't see them because you respect them, but you have seen me that way before we were together and I was your colleage before dating too"
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 27 minutes ago, MrPlop said: I respect my ___ not to have a relationship with her = I respect the professional / interpersonal relationships I have with these females enough not to date them. Remember when someone says that, it means they first created some sort of bond with these people and then they need to decide whether to cross said boundaries and make it romantic as opposed to trying to trying to date someone from the very beginning where they clearly stated they don't see you as a friend. Anyways, this way of phrasing it makes more sense. That is why I was confused if they mean it the way the say it or they want to say something else and I am misunderstanding. But I am not sure if he meant "enough not to date them". It looked like "a lot not to date them". Still not sure though... Btw, some days ago I asked him "Would you consider them to date if you were single?" He told me "Well, when a girl is good looking, she would probably catch your eye and you would consider, why not, but I am with you so I don't consider them"... Basically, what does this situation have to do with the fact that he respects and that is why he doesn't date them? So he respects them now, but if he was single he wouldn't respect them?
MrPlop Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 15 minutes ago, deamiga said: Anyways, this way of phrasing it makes more sense. That is why I was confused if they mean it the way the say it or they want to say something else and I am misunderstanding. But I am not sure if he meant "enough not to date them". It looked like "a lot not to date them". Still not sure though... Btw, some days ago I asked him "Would you consider them to date if you were single?" He told me "Well, when a girl is good looking, she would probably catch your eye and you would consider, why not, but I am with you so I don't consider them"... Basically, what does this situation have to do with the fact that he respects and that is why he doesn't date them? So he respects them now, but if he was single he wouldn't respect them? Well I personally would've worded it a little bit better "I respect YOU enough not to look at them". Did the majority of these females work there before you did or does he know them longer he knows you?
Wiseman2 Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 Men say nothing like this. Why this crude conversation? Were you jealous about this boob and butt girl? Who brought this up and why? Your BF sounds like a nuisance. Get back to your studies and stop the inane conversations. 2
basil67 Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 Other than your boyfriend, how many men have you heard say this?
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 5 hours ago, MrPlop said: Well I personally would've worded it a little bit better "I respect YOU enough not to look at them". Did the majority of these females work there before you did or does he know them longer he knows you? No I don't know them. This is another job. I haven't worked there
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 1 hour ago, basil67 said: Other than your boyfriend, how many men have you heard say this? People on forums, or friends, men in general
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Men say nothing like this. Why this crude conversation? Were you jealous about this boob and butt girl? Who brought this up and why? Your BF sounds like a nuisance. Get back to your studies and stop the inane conversations. No, it wasn't about jealousy. He mentioned the boob and butt thing so I could understand what he meant with respect. And btw, I have finished my studies. I have graduated and I moved to another country for a job, not for studies.
Pumaza Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 How old are you?You sound very young lol. There are unwritten rules or the so called ""bro code". Means certain things you just dont do out of respect and it can ruin the relationship with your freind or the person you know more and first. Like its not cool for most friends if you date their sister/brother. Or hit on their mom.etc. Things like that can end freindships and in bad way.Because they will have to handle you in a unfreindly way if you hurt their family.And its rude dating their moms. Its make it akward. And saying they dont do certain things out of respect got nothing to do with you. It just means that person is so out of their romantic interest ,so you dont need to be worried of them cheating or so. How he respects you you should see at his actions and how he is with you.And sure know how to respect yourself first before seeking guys.
Voivoda Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: They mean they respect boundaries. I agree with this. He probaly meant that he respects the current relationship and doesn't want to add anything sexual in the conversation or she is ugly and out of respect doesn't want to say anything negative
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: They mean they respect boundaries. If that is said like that, then it is fine and totally ok. But I don't know if he meant that
Author deamiga Posted November 14, 2020 Author Posted November 14, 2020 5 hours ago, Pumaza said: How old are you?You sound very young lol. I am 24. 6 hours ago, Pumaza said: There are unwritten rules or the so called ""bro code". Means certain things you just dont do out of respect and it can ruin the relationship with your freind or the person you know more and first. Like its not cool for most friends if you date their sister/brother. Or hit on their mom.etc. Things like that can end freindships and in bad way.Because they will have to handle you in a unfreindly way if you hurt their family.And its rude dating their moms. Its make it akward. And saying they dont do certain things out of respect got nothing to do with you. It just means that person is so out of their romantic interest ,so you dont need to be worried of them cheating or so. For dating their mom I get why it rude and I agree. But for dating their sister not. Why do they have to think that they would ruin the friendship if he hurts her. Why does ge have to think he will hurt her? Do guys start the relationship with the intention of hurting the other? Because it that is that way, I would rather be single for lifes. I mean things happen and you might hurt people, but you don't have to keep that in mind and not have a romantic relationship. Basically it means if a guy loves a girl so so much, he wouldn't start dating her because one day he might hurt her and he wouldn't tolerate himself hurting a girl he loves, so better he doesn't date her at all... I think these "bro codes" are bulls***. Guys should start changing their codes
mark clemson Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 (edited) Men are individuals and each one is slightly different, just like women. Our brains love to (try to) simplify the world, but I think trying to make generalizations to apply to all will just lead to misconceptions, and later to surprises when those misconceptions don't hold with a new person. As a for instance, some men may feel it's "wrong" to admire a friend's sister's body, or to date her, and thus attempt to refrain from doing so out of a sense of respect for their friend (or some other reason). Other men may see a friend's sister as "fair game" (after all she is an individual who can make her own choices) or in a few cases even "easy pickings". So you just never know. Trying to "understand men" is the real issue, as it implies were all the same. There are certainly similarities, but plenty of differences too. The same holds of course for men who think they can learn to "understand women". For example, the behaviors of a woman who intends to have one lifetime partner and be a loyal wife and homemaker will be QUITE different from one with, say, borderline personality disorder. Edited November 14, 2020 by mark clemson
d0nnivain Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 You have it all wrong but through this discussion I think you are beginning to see the light. Partially because of the poor phrasing & confusing word choice, I get why it didn't initially make sense to you. When a man says they "respect" some woman based on her position -- colleague or sister of a friend -- it means that a switch shut off in their brain & they do not see that person in a sexual or romantic way. It doesn't mean that they never noticed she was female or had girly parts. It's not about being dismissive or disrespectful of you, the GF / FI, but of rather of seeing you in a different light. It's got it's vestiges in the whole whore/Madonna thing but it's not an insult to you or that somehow you are less than. Just because you don't agree with the bro-codes about not dating somebody's sister doesn't mean they will change. Some men are OK with their friends dating their sisters. But I do think the code is more about being respectful. You can seriously date your buddy's sister, but you can't mess around with her or toy with her feelings. She's off limits as a ONS / FWB type of thing. The "player" of the group who goes through women like water will not be permitted to date the sister but the honorable, good guy will get the green light. 1
MsJayne Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: the behaviors of a woman who intends to have one lifetime partner and be a loyal wife and homemaker will be QUITE different from one with, say, borderline personality disorder. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted November 14, 2020 Posted November 14, 2020 I don't think I've ever heard a man talk this way. Now, I don't know all men, but I can tell you as a man, I heard thousands of comments from men explaining their feelings and attraction--or lack of attraction--to various women. Never heard that. Now, if this guy means, he wouldn't simply try to have sex with a woman whose sister he knows and so on, maybe that makes sense. Otherwise, this sounds incredibly old school. 1
Author deamiga Posted November 15, 2020 Author Posted November 15, 2020 On 11/14/2020 at 11:19 PM, Lotsgoingon said: I don't think I've ever heard a man talk this way. Now, I don't know all men, but I can tell you as a man, I heard thousands of comments from men explaining their feelings and attraction--or lack of attraction--to various women. Never heard that. Now, if this guy means, he wouldn't simply try to have sex with a woman whose sister he knows and so on, maybe that makes sense. Otherwise, this sounds incredibly old school. If he wouldn't try just to have sex, I totally understand and it makes sense. Though I think guys should never have just sex without making it clear what they want, he should make things clear in the beginning and never mess with a girl's feelings, doesn't matter if it is his childhood friend, sister of the friend or just a girl he knows but there are no other people inbetween. But he meant he wouldn't even try to have a serious relationship. That what concerns me. Why would it be wrong to love the sister of the friend? And it doesn't have to with respect in this case
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2020 Posted November 15, 2020 On 11/13/2020 at 9:05 PM, deamiga said: We are nearly engaged. Assuming this is the guy from your other thread who wants you to be more "woman" and who won't communicate who talks of breaking up, you are no where near engaged. Stop deluding yourself & lying to us. You need to break up with him not marry him. 1
Author deamiga Posted November 15, 2020 Author Posted November 15, 2020 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Assuming this is the guy from your other thread who wants you to be more "woman" and who won't communicate who talks of breaking up, you are no where near engaged. Stop deluding yourself & lying to us. You need to break up with him not marry him. I am not deluding or lying. We are not wearing rings, but I have met his family and his relatives, his uncles aunts, cousins. I have been part of their family gatherings like birthdays etc. They know me, some of them including his mother, sister, brother contact me often. Basically it was something official. Just because he doesn't even know himself what he wants, doesn't make me just someone he knew yesterday and is dating. This relationship might end, but things were serous though. And what does it have to do with this thread? I am not talking only for my boyfriend on this thread, but for some men in general
d0nnivain Posted November 15, 2020 Posted November 15, 2020 Dating seriously, meeting the family & officially being BF/GF is substantial but it's not even close to being engaged. What it has to do with this thread is that the two don't square. Understanding men in general is different then understanding your BF. In this thread you Q if he respects you based on his comments. In your other thread it's clear that he doesn't & has one foort out the door of your relationship Be careful 1
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