Another One Bites the Dust: Latest OLD Fiasco

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, dangerous said:

JRabbit, your answer would show me that you are one of the women who I would class as demanding. Not for me. 

There were quite a number of women on the thread who shared JRabbit's sentiment.  Not sure why you're singling her out 

[Ellener]

48 minutes ago, dangerous said:

I am certainly not everyone's "cup of tea"

You will be somebody's!

[SumGuy]

On 11/12/2020 at 6:28 PM, dangerous said:

Just venting, but interested in how others might read this situation...

... I felt pretty deflated and decided I just wanted to relax alone at home, so I texted her and said I wouldn't be around at the weekend and talk soon. She replied quickly and said, have a nice time.

....

And its happened to her before that men have messed her around!

 

I don't understand.  You bailed on communicating with her over the weekend because you were not feeling it, and made up an excuse so all can save face.  Fair enough.

She correctly guessed you were not interested (or you would likely have checked your messages), or herself came to the same conclusion of not being interested.  

So what's the issue?  That she guessed correctly?   Her behavior isn't a red flag, it is just insightful.   She correctly figured you were messing her around, in the sense you made an excuse (you said you were not going to be around but were) because you were not that interested.   Why "blame" her, isn't this what you wanted?

You snooze you lose.

That's how I read it.

[dangerous]

12 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I don't understand.  You bailed on communicating with her over the weekend because you were not feeling it, and made up an excuse so all can save face.  Fair enough.

She correctly guessed you were not interested (or you would likely have checked your messages), or herself came to the same conclusion of not being interested.  

So what's the issue?  That she guessed correctly?   Her behavior isn't a red flag, it is just insightful.   She correctly figured you were messing her around, in the sense you made an excuse (you said you were not going to be around but were) because you were not that interested.   Why "blame" her, isn't this what you wanted?

You snooze you lose.

That's how I read it.

I do not have an issue that she (like me) wasn't "feeling it". What i did find a red flag, was the assumption that because I did not read here message, that I was singling her out. This was not the case. I had a weekend out, no messages sent or checked: you could call it a "spiritual retreat". 

For her, and me citing some on here for being too demanding, is my view, and one that will be shared by half of the dating population. I/we do not place such a high value on immediate/ often text responses. I appreciate, however, that there is another (probably larger) half of the dating community who desire and expect intensive communications, case in point there is a fundamental mismatch in these two groups.

[dangerous]

btw, in conclusion, I have learnt from this experience with that lady, and also from some of the posters on here, that I need to revisit and remain focused on my priorities, expectations and values, and probably need to communicate these more clearly to any potential dates.

[Fletch Lives]

I don't see anything wrong with being busy for the weekend and dropping off the grid. But she saw it as a red flag.

Welcome to dating, the world's biggest cat and mouse game.

[poppyfields]

On 11/12/2020 at 3:28 PM, dangerous said:

Next day, she sent me a message saying the reason she didn't respond is because..

She could see I didn't check my messages all weekend, that was a red flag to her. So she deleted my number! (the only reason she replied was because I sent her a new message on the Monday).

And its happened to her before that men have messed her around!

Hey dangerous, putting aside that neither one of you felt a huge spark, if I have this right, you had two weekend dates with a chick, then after hearing the news about covid, you were feeling down and needed some lone time that weekend. 

Absolutely nothing wrong with that imo.   When I first started dating my finance, I recall needing a weekend or two to myself, so did he!  

You didn't ghost her that weekend, you let her know!   This is to be applauded, not criticized; do you know how many men would have just disappeared without telling her anything?  Tons.  

So, this^^^ (above quote) is her reaction.  Well, I'm sorry to have to go against my own gender, but I do think it's a red flag. 

And what was her over-reaction based on?  Other men from her past messing her around.  That's the red flag along with too high expectations.  

You are allowed to some down time for a couple of days without a woman you had two dates with going semi-psycho on you like that.   

Like really?  After giving her the heads up you wouldn't be around, you didn't check messages and that to HER is a red flag and she deleted you?   

Good lordy, you had two dates.  She really needs to chill and not bring her past baggage into her new dating experiences.

Edited November 14, 2020 by poppyfields

[dangerous]

53 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey dangerous, putting aside that neither one of you felt a huge spark, if I have this right, you had two weekend dates with a chick, then after hearing the news about covid, you were feeling down and needed some lone time that weekend. 

Absolutely nothing wrong with that imo.   When I first started dating my finance, I recall needing a weekend or two to myself, so did he!  

You didn't ghost her that weekend, you let her know!   This is to be applauded, not criticized; do you know how many men would have just disappeared without telling her anything?  Tons.  

So, this^^^ (above quote) is her reaction.  Well, I'm sorry to have to go against my own gender, but I do think it's a red flag. 

And what was her over-reaction based on?  Other men from her past messing her around.  That's the red flag along with too high expectations.  

You are allowed to some down time for a couple of days without a woman you had two dates with going semi-psycho on you like that.   

Like really?  After giving her the heads up you wouldn't be around, you didn't check messages and that to HER is a red flag and she deleted you?   

Good lordy, you had two dates.  She really needs to chill and not bring her past baggage into her new dating experiences.

Wow Poppyfields, exactly how it happened! Thank you! 

[SumGuy]

4 hours ago, dangerous said:

I do not have an issue that she (like me) wasn't "feeling it". What i did find a red flag, was the assumption that because I did not read here message, that I was singling her out. This was not the case. I had a weekend out, no messages sent or checked: you could call it a "spiritual retreat". 

For her, and me citing some on here for being too demanding, is my view, and one that will be shared by half of the dating population. I/we do not place such a high value on immediate/ often text responses. I appreciate, however, that there is another (probably larger) half of the dating community who desire and expect intensive communications, case in point there is a fundamental mismatch in these two groups.

Well yes one can have spiritual retreats, but was that the case?  I suspect if you were going to a spiritual retreat or somewhere without phones or internet that would have been fine, and she may have well been interested in your retreat and how it went.

Sometimes people can figure these things out.  I may have misread it, but I thought she was concerned that you didn't check your messages as opposed to answering.

In any case it is a good compatibility check if you do like to have weekends where you are unplugged.  Even if you turned it into kind of a test (I'm not a fan of tests) this is an incompatibility thing.  Some just are not up for dating someone who drops off the radar for a whole weekend.  Being unsettled by a person who goes incommunicado for a whole weekend is not anywhere near the same as needing "intense communication." 

So disappearing for a weekend is not a great way to start.

I think from her point of view it is reasonable to conclude disappearing is an indication of many other not positive things (like no interest, married, partier, etc.) and not just a need to unplug completely for a weekend.  So in my view it is not a "red flag" if she concludes you disappearing for a weekend is most likely in the not positive category than in the more unlikely spiritual retreat category.   People oft judge us by our actions not our intentions as unfair as that may be.

 I mean she did guess correctly that your interest level was low.

I hate to say it, as I too love to be completely unplugged and hate when it is judged, but being incommunicado for a whole weekend so soon is a yellow flag to most.  When I do this I am certain to communicate why (not just the fact that will not be in communication) to avoid misunderstanding.

And yes COVID means you may not be able to meet in person (and admirable to keep in person contacts to the minimum), but how does that prevent one from communicating?

Even if perfectly legit, people will wonder how often you disappear for a weekend, if this is not so often why not wait to date until after the weekend, or do these things just come up out of the blue and will that mean you can't make plans with this person.  All in all the probability that a guy disappearing for a weekend after you first met him is for a good reason are really low.   Thus in my view you really need to communicate it better, explain, if you expect understanding. 

So her behavior is not red flag to me just valuing her own worth, if you can't be bothered to keep the communicating going with her in the beginning (if that is your best foot forward) then next.  Now I would consider it a red flag on her part if your being unreachable for the weekend was due to circumstances beyond your control and there was no way, short of buying a satellite phone to communicate, and she knew this and was still upset. 

 

Edited November 14, 2020 by SumGuy

[Ellener]

I'm with you @poppyfields Anyone who expects me to be available 24/7 now my only child has grown up is going to be disappointed! It's too needy.

 

 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's true that some women like more space and distance in dating. But this simply wasn't a match. It may have been that if you both had been feeling it, she would have been fine with the weekend apart. I agree that the way she stated her reason was odd. If it were me, I would have just said I'm not feeling it, wished you well, and moved on.

[FMW]

OP, as has been pointed out, plenty of women like space and time apart (I'm one of them), so it comes down to finding someone with whom you have that in common.  Someone who wants/needs daily contact is NOT going to be cool with going an entire weekend without any communication and no reasoning or explanation is going to make it ok with them.  You discovered this incompatibility after only a few dates, so you didn't lose much with the experience.  Now you know that's something to be aware of with your future dates.  When that mismatch appears - move on down the road.  

[basil67]

My main thought is that different people want different levels of contact and that's OK.  To want something different to someone we date isn't a red flag. Nor is it a fiasco.    It's simply incompatibility.    The exaggeration in description of what happened makes me wonder if you're feeling a bit jaded.  

[dangerous]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My main thought is that different people want different levels of contact and that's OK.  To want something different to someone we date isn't a red flag. Nor is it a fiasco.    It's simply incompatibility.    The exaggeration in description of what happened makes me wonder if you're feeling a bit jaded.  

lol you may be right. 

[dangerous]

Update: 

Maybe she has calmed down. Tonight, after 4 days, she has texted me, asking me how is my day?

So, accepting, that we/I do not feel the spark of attraction, do I:

a) ignore

b) spell it out that I'm not feeling it and happy to keep in touch as friends, or

c) answer her politely, and keep it civil?

I'm tempted with c. but interested on opinions....

[basil67]

I'd choose option C.  Then block   If you were really attracted to her, I'd suggest option D of talking about what happened and discussing what each of you wants.  But she's not your type anyway.

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

My main thought is that different people want different levels of contact and that's OK.  To want something different to someone we date isn't a red flag. Nor is it a fiasco.    It's simply incompatibility.    The exaggeration in description of what happened makes me wonder if you're feeling a bit jaded.  

Agree with the bolded, however I don't agree dangerous exaggerated. 

It's fine that she needs and wants  more contact, that wasn't the red flag.  It was her emotional over-reaction that was the red flag.  

Two dates.  He needed two days to himself, he gave her the heads up.  Didn't check his messages. 

And her reaction was to send an emotional text saying because he hadn't checked messages, she's deleting him!  Why?  Because she's been messed with in the past.  Wha?

THAT's a huge red flag.  And now?  Four days later, she undeletes him and shoots him a text?  

dangerous, you had it right the first time, girl is over-reactive and emotionally unstable. 

You did nothing wrong. 

I think you shouid tell her you don't think you're the right fit for each other, wish her well and walk.

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, dangerous said:

Maybe she has calmed down. Tonight, after 4 days, she has texted me, asking me how is my day?

So, accepting, that we/I do not feel the spark of attraction, do I:

'Make your mind up!' is the response springs to mind

It's up to you! If you want to give things another try I mean. If you do- just be yourself and be up front like before. 

It sounds high maintenance for me, but then I would not be a good match for anyone who cannot communicate...especially this year when there's enough stress!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

Did it say that she was emotional? I thought it said thsr she texted to say that she didn’t want to date a guy who went ghost mode for weekends at a time... and there is nothing wrong with that. That is not a red flag. That is just a preference 
 

you know what is a red flag though. It’s a red flag that she now is messaging you four days after she told you she wasn’t interested like nothing happened. It’s red that you are entertaining c) engaging in small talk with this person. What exactly is your goal with that? I say to simply tell her the truth that you are not interested and move on. Block her if she persists. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[elaine567]

23 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I say to simply tell her the truth that you are not interested

But is he actually not interested or just peeved?
To me he did the common male thing - drop off the radar and see if she is really interested. She gets sad and upset, he gets some validation and knows he is onto a winner.
Here she was not going to play that game, she called his bluff and dumped him.
He got upset as his trick didn't work and is now blaming her for being someone who is needy, jaded, burned out, when in reality that probably describes him...

He needs to reassess the situation, does he want this woman or will his pride prevent him from taking it further?
If he doesn't want her then he needs to leave her alone.

[Miss Spider]

Cxxxxxx

Edited November 15, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[beauty0815]

On 11/12/2020 at 6:28 PM, dangerous said:

 

1. She talked about herself all the time, ALOT, and asked very little about me. She said she wanted to see me again, and was keen with texting and calling, BUT I just didn't feel any "spark". She certainly didn't promote or reciprocate any physical escalation at all.

Anyway, last weekend, after the crap UK situation of a lockdown #2, I felt pretty deflated and decided I just wanted to relax alone at home, so I texted her and said I wouldn't be around at the weekend and talk soon. She replied quickly and said, have a nice time.

Hmm, I just had a feeling..

On the Monday, 2 days later, I was back to life, and work, and I texted her saying I was back and how was she? I didn't hear back all day, and thought it a bit strange that no reply. I mentioned it to a  friend, and he said she is just a normal, busy woman, not needy. I had my suspicions.

Next day, she sends me a text, saying the reason she didn't respond is because:

She could see I didn't check my messages all weekend, that was a red flag to her. So she deleted my number! (the only reason she replied was because I sent her a new message on the Monday).

And its happened to her before that men have messed her around!

Talk about red flags.... NEXT lol  

 

It seems as though , after the first date you weren’t interested in her. Hence the reason of you texting her and saying you wouldn’t be around for the weekend. In her mind she probably thought 

A. He’s leaving the weekend open for other women to go on dates with. 

Or

B. He’s not interested in a second date with me so he’s letting me down easy. 

Both assumptions conclude to you being uninterested. She probably took the “hint” or so she thought and deleted your number. If that wasn’t your intended message , maybe some communication during the weekend would have helped. 

[dangerous]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But is he actually not interested or just peeved?
To me he did the common male thing - drop off the radar and see if she is really interested. She gets sad and upset, he gets some validation and knows he is onto a winner.
Here she was not going to play that game, she called his bluff and dumped him.
He got upset as his trick didn't work and is now blaming her for being someone who is needy, jaded, burned out, when in reality that probably describes him...

He needs to reassess the situation, does he want this woman or will his pride prevent him from taking it further?
If he doesn't want her then he needs to leave her alone.

This is not what happened. I did not actually intend any game playing. I simply took a weekend off. For myself, no dating or other agenda, 

But you are right though, I am not interested enough in pursuing this woman.

Thinking further about it and reading the main two viewpoints from the contributors to this thread, i think the issue is: Is what I am looking for in tune with her wants? Definitely not, I'd say: Failing a full-on immediate mutual attraction, then I am looking for a slow burn, get to know one another, non-exclusive, casual arrangement (until we get to that stage when a commitment is made). She already seems to want more.

I think the telling factor is that in two x 2 hour dates, we haven't built the communication in either direction to make clear what we want, and this polite, "vapid" interaction, confirms that we are not a match, and I should just end it, whether I spell that out or just fade.

Thanks to all, it certainly made me think from some different perspectives, and it's helped. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, dangerous said:

a) ignore

b) spell it out that I'm not feeling it and happy to keep in touch as friends, or

c) answer her politely, and keep it civil?

If you genuinely aren't interested, Option B. 

Why would you ignore or keep it "civil" otherwise? 

Unless your ego is getting in the way and you're now reframing your thoughts about her more negatively because she didn't take kindly to your weekend break, I can't see why you'd keep the the door open. I would ask yourself if you are more interested than you are willing to admit to yourself. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Did it say that she was emotional? I thought it said thsr she texted to say that she didn’t want to date a guy who went ghost mode for weekends at a time... and there is nothing wrong with that. That is not a red flag. That is just a preference 

ss, in his original post he wrote:

>*"Next day, she sent me a message saying the reason she didn't respond is because..

She could see I didn't check my messages all weekend, that was a red flag to her. So she deleted my number! (the only reason she replied was because I sent her a new message on the Monday).

And its happened to her before that men have messed her around!"<<

I'd say that was quite an emotional over-reaction simply because he did not check messages over the weekend. 

He did not ghost her, he straight up told her he needed lone time, he was down due to recent news re covid and would not be checking messages. 

That is not being ghosted.  I think he shouid be applauded for his honesty, and letting her know.  

And that was her response?  They only had two dates for goodness sake .  

Girl needs to chill and not bring past baggage into new dating experiences.

And now 4 days later, doing a 180 and unblocking, texting?  Girl is crazy cray.

 

Edited November 15, 2020 by poppyfields