Are these considered red flags, or just signs that he's really interested?

[Ladiixmk]

So towards the very end of September, I matched with a guy on Bumble. We really connected automatically, and within a week (on October 3rd) we went on our first date, which went great! I like him, however they're a couple of things he does which kinda signals a red flag to me...

• First, I feel like he's moving things a bit TOO fast. It started off subtle - such as creating a list of shows we should watch together, or him upgrading his gym membership so that he can take me to the gym. Then on October 12th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him not right now since we need to get to know each other more. Within the past month, he has mentioned me meeting his family this upcoming Thanksgiving, moving in together in March, describing our future home and "future kids", etc. He'd say stuff like "once we move in together and start a family, we can do XYZ" or even last night he asked me if I would like a table in our future dining room, or to just eat in the living room.  I told him multiple times we need to slow things down, which he would respond he respects that and doesn't want to push me to do something I don't want to do. He'd always say he's never felt a deep connection with someone like me before, and how special I am.
• Another thing that is weird - I've realized that most of the times he changes his opinions after he hears mine. Then he would mention how much in common we have. For example, I'd ask him what states has he considered moving to. He'd tell me the Carolinas and Florida. Then he'd ask for my opinion, and I'd say California and Texas. Then he would rearrange his answer to say "yea, I've been considering California, Texas, Florida, and the Carolinas". Or a couple of weeks ago I asked him what are his favorite exercises, and he said push ups. I told him mine were leg presses and squats. Then randomly this past weekend, he said his favorite workouts were leg presses, squats, and push ups.
• Over the phone, he talks about himself a LOT. I can ask him a question like what is his favorite TV show. He'd go on to say his favorite TV shows, followed by his favorite foods to eat while watching TV, followed by what he's eating for dinner today, etc. And most of the time, he'd never redirects the question back to me.
• Not sure if this is a "red flag", but he also talks down on his ex. Now from what he told me, his ex cheated on him. He broke up with her in January 2019, so it's been some time. But, sometimes he'd randomly bring her up out of nowhere. The other day he spent 30 minutes going on about the messed up stuff she did to him besides cheating. Or another time, we were talking about a conversation we saw about a scammer and how the scammer randomly started swearing on G*d. I said "wow that's messed up" and he said "yea, G*d talk don't mean nothing to me, my ex was a church girl went there every Sunday and, well, you know everything that happened so meh". All I said is oh wow.

Am I just overanalyzing things or are these red flags?

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, angelsface200 said:

So towards the very end of September, I matched with a guy on Bumble.

he also talks down on his ex. Now from what he told me, his ex cheated on him. He broke up with her in January 2019, so it's been some time. But, sometimes he'd randomly bring her up out of nowhere. The other day he spent 30 minutes going on about the messed up stuff she did to him besides cheating

Yes  definitely some red flags. Too much too soon. Future-talk. Most of all hard luck stories about his cheating ex. Slow way down. Take your time, especially if either one of you is on the rebound. It would be best to talk in person, even if you are used to long  phone talks.

Nothing is real until it's real, whether it's family, moving in kids, etc. Unfortunately he seems immature and thinks talking like it's a forever thing is the best way to insure sex. Future-talk is often string-along talk , think about it, it makes no sense.

[d0nnivain]

The future talk & moving too fast are red flags but maybe not reasons to dump him just yet.  You will need to slow him down & you certainly can't be moving in with him in March.  Under normal circumstances I'd say meet the family at Thanksgiving but with Covid you have a built in justifiable reason not to do that.  

The rest of the stuff is a yellow flag.  It's born more of insecurity then malice. He is trying to mirror you because he wants to be a couple.  He may be an obsequious doormat.  He may still be hurting over the EX.  You will have to see.   It also is some evidence of love bombing.  Again it is something you need to keep an eye on.  

[Calmandfocused]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder 

Red flag number 1: He’s “Mirroring you!” Read up on this. You like it, He likes it. 
 

Red flag number 2: He’s love bombing you. Wants to go from 0 to a 100, future faking, progressing the relationship way too quickly. 
 

Red flag number 3: disrespectful and bitter towards the ex. Over shares the details. Makes himself out to be the victim. 
 

I could go on but I won’t. 
 

Be very careful. 

[Miss Spider]

These are red flags IMO. Don’t get how you can still be attracted to this guy. He sounds like way too much. This is the stuff I would do to try to scare  someone

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

The future talk isn't necessarily disingenuous, but it comes across as a bit desperate. When a man really likes a woman and is ready for something real, he tends to want to move fast. But you have to slow it down so you can get to know him better.

The real red flag, in my view, is this: 

2 hours ago, angelsface200 said:

• Not sure if this is a "red flag", but he also talks down on his ex. Now from what he told me, his ex cheated on him. He broke up with her in January 2019, so it's been some time. But, sometimes he'd randomly bring her up out of nowhere. The other day he spent 30 minutes going on about the messed up stuff she did to him besides cheating.

When somebody goes on about their ex, it's a clear sign they have NOT healed and they WILL punish you for that person's mistakes. I never talk negatively about an ex because I've dealt with it and moved on. If I communicate difficult things that happened, I do so in a calm way, just the facts, and keep it short. In the future, if a guy badmouths his ex whatsoever, I'll run for the hills immediately.

[Allupinnit]

Only people who are emotionally unstable act like that in the beginning.

[ThereSheGoes]

As someone who has been in a relationship with someone who moved just a little too fast for my liking......this is a red flag. For me. But it could be a yellow flag, if you could get him to slow down and chill. Sometimes, some men just get really excited and start to jump the gun. You have to pull them back down to earth.

If the ex talk is bothering you, let him know.

[ShyViolet]

The talk of marriage, kids, moving in together, yes that's a huge red flag.  He has poor judgment and he sounds desperate.  If he won't stop talking about it even after you've told him that it's way too fast and he needs to stop, that's even worse.  Be very careful with this guy.

[SumGuy]

3 hours ago, angelsface200 said:

So towards the very end of September, I matched with a guy on Bumble. We really connected automatically, and within a week (on October 3rd) we went on our first date, which went great! I like him, however they're a couple of things he does which kinda signals a red flag to me...

• First, I feel like he's moving things a bit TOO fast. It started off subtle - such as creating a list of shows we should watch together, or him upgrading his gym membership so that he can take me to the gym. Then on October 12th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him not right now since we need to get to know each other more. Within the past month, he has mentioned me meeting his family this upcoming Thanksgiving, moving in together in March, describing our future home and "future kids", etc. He'd say stuff like "once we move in together and start a family, we can do XYZ" or even last night he asked me if I would like a table in our future dining room, or to just eat in the living room.  I told him multiple times we need to slow things down, which he would respond he respects that and doesn't want to push me to do something I don't want to do. He'd always say he's never felt a deep connection with someone like me before, and how special I am.

Holy moly!  How many dates have you been on?  This is like a month old relationship.  The gym and shows Ok, can see that a more things to do together especially if you are a gym person.  The other stuff, whoa boy, slow your roll.  Planning out a future after a month is a warning sign to me.

• Quote

  Another thing that is weird - I've realized that most of the times he changes his opinions after he hears mine. Then he would mention how much in common we have. For example, I'd ask him what states has he considered moving to. He'd tell me the Carolinas and Florida. Then he'd ask for my opinion, and I'd say California and Texas. Then he would rearrange his answer to say "yea, I've been considering California, Texas, Florida, and the Carolinas". Or a couple of weeks ago I asked him what are his favorite exercises, and he said push ups. I told him mine were leg presses and squats. Then randomly this past weekend, he said his favorite workouts were leg presses, squats, and push ups.

  That is called mirroring, and it is not a good sign.  At best it is an eager to please/insecurity thing.  At worse manipulative love bombing.  Yah warning sign in my book.

• Quote

  Over the phone, he talks about himself a LOT. I can ask him a question like what is his favorite TV show. He'd go on to say his favorite TV shows, followed by his favorite foods to eat while watching TV, followed by what he's eating for dinner today, etc. And most of the time, he'd never redirects the question back to me.

  He's a gabber, who likes to talk and gets lost in his own narrative.  Known many a good person who can get caught up in their own story. Taken alone this kind of thing never worries me.

 

• Quote

  Not sure if this is a "red flag", but he also talks down on his ex. Now from what he told me, his ex cheated on him. He broke up with her in January 2019, so it's been some time. But, sometimes he'd randomly bring her up out of nowhere. The other day he spent 30 minutes going on about the messed up stuff she did to him besides cheating. Or another time, we were talking about a conversation we saw about a scammer and how the scammer randomly started swearing on G*d. I said "wow that's messed up" and he said "yea, G*d talk don't mean nothing to me, my ex was a church girl went there every Sunday and, well, you know everything that happened so meh". All I said is oh wow.

  If it comes up in context, yes perfectly legit to talk about it but he needs to really, really keep it focused and not turn into a gripe or bashing session.   Certainly too soon after a month to start venting on about the ex.  It is hard to tell if this is just not being over it enough and she was truly that bad, or if he always lames his exes unfairly.

Quote

Am I just overanalyzing things or are these red flags?

Thinking you are being very reasonable on having concerns.  In my view this is one reason we take it slow.   Gives you time to see if these are just quirks of a good person or red flags of a messed up one.

Edited November 12, 2020 by SumGuy

[Velvet teddy]

3 hours ago, angelsface200 said:

So towards the very end of September, I matched with a guy on Bumble. We really connected automatically, and within a week (on October 3rd) we went on our first date, which went great! I like him, however they're a couple of things he does which kinda signals a red flag to me...

• First, I feel like he's moving things a bit TOO fast. It started off subtle - such as creating a list of shows we should watch together, or him upgrading his gym membership so that he can take me to the gym. Then on October 12th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him not right now since we need to get to know each other more. Within the past month, he has mentioned me meeting his family this upcoming Thanksgiving, moving in together in March, describing our future home and "future kids", etc. He'd say stuff like "once we move in together and start a family, we can do XYZ" or even last night he asked me if I would like a table in our future dining room, or to just eat in the living room.  I told him multiple times we need to slow things down, which he would respond he respects that and doesn't want to push me to do something I don't want to do. He'd always say he's never felt a deep connection with someone like me before, and how special I am.
• Another thing that is weird - I've realized that most of the times he changes his opinions after he hears mine. Then he would mention how much in common we have. For example, I'd ask him what states has he considered moving to. He'd tell me the Carolinas and Florida. Then he'd ask for my opinion, and I'd say California and Texas. Then he would rearrange his answer to say "yea, I've been considering California, Texas, Florida, and the Carolinas". Or a couple of weeks ago I asked him what are his favorite exercises, and he said push ups. I told him mine were leg presses and squats. Then randomly this past weekend, he said his favorite workouts were leg presses, squats, and push ups.
• Over the phone, he talks about himself a LOT. I can ask him a question like what is his favorite TV show. He'd go on to say his favorite TV shows, followed by his favorite foods to eat while watching TV, followed by what he's eating for dinner today, etc. And most of the time, he'd never redirects the question back to me.
• Not sure if this is a "red flag", but he also talks down on his ex. Now from what he told me, his ex cheated on him. He broke up with her in January 2019, so it's been some time. But, sometimes he'd randomly bring her up out of nowhere. The other day he spent 30 minutes going on about the messed up stuff she did to him besides cheating. Or another time, we were talking about a conversation we saw about a scammer and how the scammer randomly started swearing on G*d. I said "wow that's messed up" and he said "yea, G*d talk don't mean nothing to me, my ex was a church girl went there every Sunday and, well, you know everything that happened so meh". All I said is oh wow.

Am I just overanalyzing things or are these red flags?

I don't like to label people as narcissists.

But those are all the signs of a narcissist. 

Love bombing, conversations about himself, playing the victim, insulting the ex.

And i didnt  read calm's post till after i made those observations. 

Edited November 12, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Miss Spider]

29 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

As someone who has been in a relationship with someone who moved just a little too fast for my liking......this is a red flag. For me. But it could be a yellow flag, if you could get him to slow down and chill. Sometimes, some men just get really excited and start to jump the gun. You have to pull them back down to earth.

If the ex talk is bothering you, let him know.

True. It’s common for men to move fast when they’re really into someone, but does that typically end well  ? Has anyone really been able to successfully  ‘walk it back’  to where things were balanced enough? They say dating is like a dance, and this person is basically twerking frenetically while the other is slow dancing. My experience is that this mismatch in interest only gets worse. If this person had the wherewithal/sense to hone it in, I feel like they would have done that in the beginning

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I know of a few long-term relationships and marriages that began with aggressive pursuit by the man, a slow warmup by the woman, and they've lasted for many years.

My parents' relationship started this way. My dad met my mom one night while they were out, took her for a spin on the dance floor when her date wouldn't. He was in town on business. He asked her out for the next night, but she had a softball game. After his work that day, he drove 3 hours just to see her again and watch the game, then pursued her aggressively even though he was traveling all over the country for work. They've been married almost 50 years now.

[Miss Spider]

4 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I know of a few long-term relationships and marriages that began with aggressive pursuit by the man, a slow warmup by the woman, and they've lasted for many years.

My parents' relationship started this way. My dad met my mom one night while they were out, took her for a spin on the dance floor when her date wouldn't. He was in town on business. He asked her out for the next night, but she had a softball game. After his work that day, he drove 3 hours just to see her again and watch the game, then pursued her aggressively even though he was traveling all over the country for work. They've been married almost 50 years now.

I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but longevity is not enough for me to classify it as ‘successful’. Is it happy union with roughly mutual level of attraction and desire? Obviously don’t have to answer that question in the case of your parent’s marriage. I am just saying that I don’t disagree that this can end in a lasting relationship, but with the mismatch of interest that intense in the beginning, is that something that ever improves

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

4 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Is it happy union with mutual level of attraction and desire?

It was for the first 5 years or so. Beyond that it's more practical - but all things considered, I think it's what they both want. They always had very obvious mutual attraction. We kids used to giggle at them being touchy-feely all the time.

I know a gay couple who are married, have been together for more than 10 years, with a similar story, and they are a very happy couple. One pursued the other one aggressively, they were living together within a couple months, and now they're living happily ever after. 

Edited November 12, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Miss Spider]

^ thanks for the insight 

[ExpatInItaly]

He's trying to slot you into the life he imagined with his ex. 

 

 

[lana-banana]

Yeah, all of these things would be pretty normal in isolation but are worrisome in one person. It sounds like he's very eager to please you and he's desperate for you to be in his life. ExpatInItaly's remark about trying to fit you into a slot seems spot-on. We all try to show off the best parts of ourselves in the first few months, but he's taking it to an extreme that suggests low self-esteem, poor boundaries, or all of the above. And he should be far more interested in you, not just spouting off about himself. Tell him you want to date him, not the guy he's trying to be for you, and that you're not his ex. The relationship won't work if he's just trying to recreate what he had (or what he thought he had) with his ex.

[Lotsgoingon]

All of these are red flags.

Stop!

 

 

[Mystery4me]

They are red flags because you are not on the same wavelength as him. You are incompatible.

[Caauug]

I have to mostly agree with everyone here, he has yellow/red flags showing very early in the relationship.

This stuck out and should have hit him in the face also.....

6 hours ago, angelsface200 said:

or him upgrading his gym membership so that he can take me to the gym. Then on October 12th, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I told him not right now since we need to get to know each other more.

You want him to upgrade his gym membership for you (so you don't have to pay)….. But you will not be exclusive to be his girlfriend???

I don't know the costs of gym memberships are where you live, but where I live they are not cheap, some employers even offer it as part of their employment package.... like maybe along with health care....

You want him to sign you up for how many months with your name on his membership? and at what extra costs? And he will only be one of your orbiters...… Therefor likely never to be a BF.... I can see that NOT being a good deal for him....  Maybe somewhat a reason to press you for better things to see if you are worth the investment? Or is this one of your crap tests to see how he behaves??? 

The whole relationship should be a "NO"....

[Ladiixmk]

52 minutes ago, Caauug said:

I have to mostly agree with everyone here, he has yellow/red flags showing very early in the relationship.

This stuck out and should have hit him in the face also.....

You want him to upgrade his gym membership for you (so you don't have to pay)….. But you will not be exclusive to be his girlfriend???

I don't know the costs of gym memberships are where you live, but where I live they are not cheap, some employers even offer it as part of their employment package.... like maybe along with health care....

You want him to sign you up for how many months with your name on his membership? and at what extra costs? And he will only be one of your orbiters...… Therefor likely never to be a BF.... I can see that NOT being a good deal for him....  Maybe somewhat a reason to press you for better things to see if you are worth the investment? Or is this one of your crap tests to see how he behaves??? 

The whole relationship should be a "NO"....

So I should mention here - I did not tell him to upgrade his gym membership.

Back story: I just got a new membership at another gym about a month ago, but told him I was seeking out a new gym since I didn't like it as much. He suggested we start going to the gym together and recommended the gym he goes to. I said sure I wouldn't mind doing a gym date, and even over the phone I was looking at plan information. We agreed to check out the chain closest to me, and while we were at the counter, he told me that same morning he upgraded his membership so that he can take a guest with him, which would be me, and therefore we can go to the gym together. We never discussed him upgrading his membership for me at all prior to that day - he just did it.

[Ladiixmk]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I know of a few long-term relationships and marriages that began with aggressive pursuit by the man, a slow warmup by the woman, and they've lasted for many years.

My parents' relationship started this way. My dad met my mom one night while they were out, took her for a spin on the dance floor when her date wouldn't. He was in town on business. He asked her out for the next night, but she had a softball game. After his work that day, he drove 3 hours just to see her again and watch the game, then pursued her aggressively even though he was traveling all over the country for work. They've been married almost 50 years now.

Aw that's sweet! Yea I've been pursued aggressively before which lead to a relationship. However, I think here it's different because it's not about just hanging out a lot - but talking about the future too fast for me, when we barely actually know each other.

[Ladiixmk]

5 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Holy moly!  How many dates have you been on?  This is like a month old relationship.  The gym and shows Ok, can see that a more things to do together especially if you are a gym person.  The other stuff, whoa boy, slow your roll.  Planning out a future after a month is a warning sign to me.

• That is called mirroring, and it is not a good sign.  At best it is an eager to please/insecurity thing.  At worse manipulative love bombing.  Yah warning sign in my book.

• He's a gabber, who likes to talk and gets lost in his own narrative.  Known many a good person who can get caught up in their own story. Taken alone this kind of thing never worries me.

 

• If it comes up in context, yes perfectly legit to talk about it but he needs to really, really keep it focused and not turn into a gripe or bashing session.   Certainly too soon after a month to start venting on about the ex.  It is hard to tell if this is just not being over it enough and she was truly that bad, or if he always lames his exes unfairly.

Thinking you are being very reasonable on having concerns.  In my view this is one reason we take it slow.   Gives you time to see if these are just quirks of a good person or red flags of a messed up one.

Thanks for the insights!! I will try my best to take this more slowly, but I don't think that's what he wants. We've been on a couple of dates (about 4 regular dates and 2 gym dates), but that's about to slow down due to COVID spikes in our state. About the ex thing, it's hard to know because he says that was his only relationship before me.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I see. I don’t mean to be rude, but longevity is not enough for me to classify it as ‘successful’. Is it happy union with roughly mutual level of attraction and desire? Obviously don’t have to answer that question in the case of your parent’s marriage. I am just saying that I don’t disagree that this can end in a lasting relationship, but with the mismatch of interest that intense in the beginning, is that something that ever improves

Me neither on the longevity point. My parents were married for 60 miserable years. But a happy marriage from 'love at first sight' is possible, I saw one once.