TheBlingRing14 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 Hello all. So, update on life for me. The guy who ghosted has NOT reached out, nor have I reached out to him. The guy who stood me up has NOT reached out, nor have I reached out to him. So, I move forward with a clean slate. So I got back into the muck of the dating world and here I am. I am determined not to overthink, be overemotional, and in general not make the same mistakes I seem to always make in relationships. So I am taking a breath to analyze. And to plan. I have been talking to some guys, but there are two that have seemed to bubble up to the front-runner position. Guy #1- This guy...it's hard for me to tell if he likes me. He doesn't say very flowery things, he is much more banter-driven and jokey. Which I get, because I am that way too....bantery and jokey, especially when I am nervous (see guy who ghosted me). I think it's quite likely that he is talking to other women, which is fine; obviously I'm talking to other guys. Anyway, he lives quite a distance away, so he has suggested we meet halfway for an overnight/weekend together. We have both agreed that intimacy is absolutely 100% not on the table. I'm not opposed to meeting up with him, and due to the distance, I can understand the suggestion. I suggested he come down to visit me, or I could come up to visit him, but he thought halfway made more sense, which is fair. I do worry about the prospect of spending 2 days together with someone I barely know. Guy #2- This guy comes with a lot of baggage. A lot, most of which isn't his fault. He's just been dealt a raw deal in life. He said he worries/worried about getting too close to me, because of all the baggage he has. He's been burned in the past. Anyway, the other day, he unloaded it all on me, expecting me to run for the hills. But, I didn't. Now, with him, he has been very direct with me about saying how much he likes me, how I give him butterflies, how I make him smile. He often talks about "if things work out long term..." He said he de-activated his dating profile, because he only pursues one woman at a time. You know that trite saying? About how if a guy is into you, you won't have to wonder, you won't be confused, because he'll make it clear? I've never quite experienced it until now. Now, here is where things aren't so great: so he enthusiastically asked me out on a date, for next Tuesday. Great. He then said we could figure out the details later. But...he hasn't mentioned it since. He hasn't tried to make plans. He's not brought it back up. He's also been slightly less talkative and slightly less flirty. I really don't want to have to be that person that says "So are we still on for Tuesday?" and try to get things going. I also don't want to be that person who overthinks and questions every lull in communication, but here we are. I know with OLD, it is possible to "stay too long at the fair" so to speak, with the talking phase, and it can wear out that desire for a dating phase. I definitely don't want that to happen. Should I pull back a bit, at least until an actual date takes place? Should I guide him/push for the date to take place? Or ride it out until he figures it out on his own? Anyway, that's where life is at.
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) It's great you put the others in the past and wish to start fresh 1. Forget it. Do Not do long distance. Here again you're getting hung up on "text banter", when the focus should be meeting asap Briefly. 2. You're not a therapist. Stop chitchatting with this guy. The key is to immediately rule out people who are long distance, too damaged to date, and other nonviable situations. The most important thing is to decide if you want to date someone or want a texting buddy. Since you gravitate towards too much texting and not setting up in person meets it seems like that's what you want. Dating sites are to message people you want to meet in person. Dating apps are not for honing your texting banter. Edited November 12, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Mystery4me Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 It seems you are already going down a slippery slope of possible mistakes again .. #1 - Exactly how far is he? Is he the one that suggested 2 days/overnight meet? If so, he is looking for sex. It doesn't matter you both 'agreed' it wouldn't happen. As a man he will be thinking 'I can change her mind when we are together, challenge accepted'. It's a terrible idea for a first meet, and you seem to have fallen for it. #2 - This guy should not even be in your list, let alone near the top! He's love bombing you so you think exactly how you are thinking now 'oh wow he really likes me this is so great I love this feeling' before even having met you. Very big red flag. He now has control and you are the one second guessing if he will set up the date or not etc. Not to even mention all his emotional baggage. Why do you want to be with someone who 'worries' about getting close to you? You don't. You want someone who is happy with themselves and loves themselves and is emotionally ready for a relationship. He's not. You are building up too much of a texting relationship before even meeting. Once you match with someone, if there is interest on both sides, after a few messages set up a meeting, that's it. No more messaging until then. You are just wasting time with these guys. 2
introverted1 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 #1. Too far. #2. Have you actually met in person? If not, or for less than 5 dates, he is way OTT and, yes, love-bombing. 4
SSM3 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 4 hours ago, Mystery4me said: You are building up too much of a texting relationship before even meeting. Once you match with someone, if there is interest on both sides, after a few messages set up a meeting, that's it. No more messaging until then. You are just wasting time with these guys. Completely agree. Don't waste your time getting to know someone/forming relationship with someone by messages before meeting them. It's just a waste of time. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: So I got back into the muck of the dating world and here I am. The first thing you need to do is clean up your attitude. If you go into it thinking it's "muck," you're going to have mucky results. I don't date until I feel like: there are lots of great men in this city, and I'm going to have fun with this. 6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Anyway, he lives quite a distance away, so he has suggested we meet halfway for an overnight/weekend together. Nope. If he's not even willing to make the basic effort of coming to you to meet, don't bother, total waste of your time and energy. 6 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Now, here is where things aren't so great: so he enthusiastically asked me out on a date, for next Tuesday. Great. He then said we could figure out the details later. But...he hasn't mentioned it since. He hasn't tried to make plans. He's not brought it back up. He's also been slightly less talkative and slightly less flirty. I really don't want to have to be that person that says "So are we still on for Tuesday?" and try to get things going. Nope. If you're sitting there wondering like this, he is not your guy. I think women worry about passing on potential dates as they think they'll run out of options. But that is not my experience. Once you raise your standards, higher-quality options begin to emerge. Edited November 12, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 1 2
ThereSheGoes Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 Nononononononono, NO. NO SLEEP OVERS. I don't care WHAT he said, I don't care how he STRESSED that sex was not on the table. He's an internet dude and you have never met him in person before. He's going to attempt to sleep with you. End of discussion. And this could possibly turn in to a very dangerous situation. I was sexually assaulted on a long distance meet up. TRUST ME. Don't do this. If he won't agree to meet at a coffee shop, or a park, so you guys can spend some time together in public, he is NOT the one. And the fact that as the MAN he even suggested such a deal....... Reading that line sent all kinds of alarm bells up in my mind. No. Please. Don't do it. 4
Versacehottie Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 (edited) 23 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Hello all. So, update on life for me. The guy who ghosted has NOT reached out, nor have I reached out to him. The guy who stood me up has NOT reached out, nor have I reached out to him. So, I move forward with a clean slate. So I got back into the muck of the dating world and here I am. I am determined not to overthink, be overemotional, and in general not make the same mistakes I seem to always make in relationships. So I am taking a breath to analyze. And to plan. I have been talking to some guys, but there are two that have seemed to bubble up to the front-runner position. Guy #1- This guy...it's hard for me to tell if he likes me. He doesn't say very flowery things, he is much more banter-driven and jokey. Which I get, because I am that way too....bantery and jokey, especially when I am nervous (see guy who ghosted me). I think it's quite likely that he is talking to other women, which is fine; obviously I'm talking to other guys. Anyway, he lives quite a distance away, so he has suggested we meet halfway for an overnight/weekend together. We have both agreed that intimacy is absolutely 100% not on the table. I'm not opposed to meeting up with him, and due to the distance, I can understand the suggestion. I suggested he come down to visit me, or I could come up to visit him, but he thought halfway made more sense, which is fair. I do worry about the prospect of spending 2 days together with someone I barely know. Guy #2- This guy comes with a lot of baggage. A lot, most of which isn't his fault. He's just been dealt a raw deal in life. He said he worries/worried about getting too close to me, because of all the baggage he has. He's been burned in the past. Anyway, the other day, he unloaded it all on me, expecting me to run for the hills. But, I didn't. Now, with him, he has been very direct with me about saying how much he likes me, how I give him butterflies, how I make him smile. He often talks about "if things work out long term..." He said he de-activated his dating profile, because he only pursues one woman at a time. You know that trite saying? About how if a guy is into you, you won't have to wonder, you won't be confused, because he'll make it clear? I've never quite experienced it until now. Now, here is where things aren't so great: so he enthusiastically asked me out on a date, for next Tuesday. Great. He then said we could figure out the details later. But...he hasn't mentioned it since. He hasn't tried to make plans. He's not brought it back up. He's also been slightly less talkative and slightly less flirty. I really don't want to have to be that person that says "So are we still on for Tuesday?" and try to get things going. I also don't want to be that person who overthinks and questions every lull in communication, but here we are. I know with OLD, it is possible to "stay too long at the fair" so to speak, with the talking phase, and it can wear out that desire for a dating phase. I definitely don't want that to happen. Should I pull back a bit, at least until an actual date takes place? Should I guide him/push for the date to take place? Or ride it out until he figures it out on his own? Anyway, that's where life is at. So lots of great advice on the specific guys and scenarios, I'm going to respond to the part that I think will help you overall/long term from a different perspective. Soooo is this how you work on not OVERTHINKING things??? Yikes, girl--it's the same plan. Try thinking less, planning less, trying to strategize less and be more spontaneous and go with your emotion/gut. Not the crazy part that is trying to figure everything out in advance so you can make sure you don't get "hurt", played or whatever... and especially the part where you are trying to determine where it will go/end up. This is FUELING your overthinking and anxiety. Also Ruby Slippers pointed out that you attitude needs to change and said EXACTLY what it really should be: "there are a lot of great men in this city; I'm having fun". I would add another couple thoughts that would be good to have: "who knows where this is going" and "whatever happens I can manage it at that time" . The thing is your post is asking us (and yourself to basically make a judgement on two guys you haven't even met yet or spent ONE date with in person. There is so much more to learn about a person and it will happen over time spent with each other. Your fall back opinion should be yourself. With a gut instinct of what is right for YOU. Right now it seems like you are trying to 'slot' a guy into your life, which reads as desperation to be honest. Also that you don't feel comfortable relying on your own judgement. Both of which you need to get sorted or relatively in place before either of these dates. Your mind is kinda racing about nonsense, not the big picture....The bottom line is you need to gather REAL information (not just facts on paper, but action and emotion in person and due to interacting) and know that your inner you will be able to tell if any potential guy measures up to what you want. In the meantime, you have to work the dating system like a good habit. Since it's a numbers game, you just need to make sure you are going on dates, with the purpose to have fun and bring the best of yourself and see if the other guy can meet you at your level. You can't get hyper-focused on one or two and get stuck--which sounds like a huge mistake for an over thinker, with a tendency toward catastrophizing, and kinda really really really wanting to make something happen with a guy (desperation). You need to put the onus on qualifying them for your life not the other way around--which is what you do when you lay the facts out on the table like you are purchasing a car. He could be a great guy for "someone" but not necessarily for you. That's why putting facts on paper is useless before you've met and spent time. It also illustrates that you are kinda window shopping rather than experiencing the relationship and relying on your own judgement at thresholds along the way. To answer the specific guy question, as far as it relates to feasibility and the good "habit" to be working. The distance is far for the 1st guy, but you are already talking to him so give it a shot FOR ONE DATE--uh, not an overnight anything, are you serious with this? Bad move for 100 reasons. you are making the SAME mistake again by asking him what his intentions are (for dating, for the overnight date) to see if they match up by words--rather than experiencing it and seeing if they match up by actions. No wonder you are disappointed! You are going about things backward really. Words are bullish*t especially with a virtual stranger. guy #2, I'd already be way turned off. Why you want to move forward with this at all is beyond me! That said, you can experience it once and "just have fun" and walk away. You act as if you need to negotiate and plan everything up front--you don't. Also I think your one correct instinct with all this new stuff is that you don't feel like you want to remind him about the date that was suggested...so don't. Where is the fire? Literally what is the rush? It sounds like you want a guy who can manage this sh*t himself and pursue you---so why would you EVEN consider doing anything to help move it along. All you'd be doing is creating a future problem if you got the short term want (the date to happen right away) vs not getting the long term want (a guy who plans, follows through and is into you and sees your worth). Teach people how to treat you. Don't create angst for yourself. You were already open to the date--that should be all you need to do. Also sounds like you want a guy who plans--and he may not be it, which you will never really know until you are in too deep if you do the work for him--and then you will be disappointed. Let him be himself and OBSERVE! Overall, I think you need to work on less black and white thinking, wanting things to be perfect and just experience things so that you can get a internal feeling of what is right for you--which seems to be lacking. In looking for this perfection you are also overanalyzing rather than weighting things on what really matters. For example, distance won't matter if you guys are a great fit and the future would potentially have less distance between you. Sidenote: that you both (on guy #1) are a little bit in a standoff about distance to meet for the first time, it's not looking good or chivalrous IMO. i.e. if there is a tendency toward being practical about stuff, why are you even entertaining this one? Idk, you need to treat yourself like more of a prize and more of a UNIQUE, RARE thing rather than both treat it like you are shopping for a bf/gf on the internet. Not explaining myself well at all but if you don't start to get GUT feelings and leap (in the right direction), relationships won't get off the ground or won't be the right ones. lol, more to say later as this evolves I'm sure. Good luck ps i bolded where your thinking gets problematic IMO Edited November 13, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 This is like saying I'm starting fresh on my new diet, fitness, alcoholic problems then sitting on the couch with a bucket of food and a quart of booze. If you are still texting excessively and trying to engage misfits and longshots, you'll unfortunately see the same disappointments. 3 1
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 Slim pickins I say....I would ditch the both of them and wait for something better. 2
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 One is long distance and the other is a walking baggage trolley... why are they even on your list? 1
introverted1 Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: One is long distance and the other is a walking baggage trolley... why are they even on your list? This. Bling, can you share what interests you about these guys? Do they actually have qualities you want in a man or are they just what's currently "available" (in quotes because it's not clear how available they actually are). Have you made a list of the top qualities that are important to you? I think that, as @Versacehottiealluded to, your first course of business is to be clear on what YOU want. That way, you have a yardstick against which to match a man's actions (actions, not words!). It seems that rather than proactively choosing who to date, you are reacting to whatever is presented to you. I would encourage you to flip this script and start thinking about the type of man who will enrich your life, and then rejecting offers/contact from guys who clearly do not meet your requirements. No, I am not suggesting seeking a unicorn, but rather setting some reasonable parameters. 2
Versacehottie Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 yeah 100% agree with Introverted.... kind of in part what I'm saying about looking at big picture things or dealbreakers more in black and white but you have to know what you want and just measure each guy up to that. And then because you are an overthinker, you are either looking for perfection and get caught up in small nuances that maybe you should let guy. I'm sure there are lots of us who wish our guys were planners---and if you are cool with finding out the morning of, a lot of them ARE planners! That I would just say is an example of where you can experience it and see if it's a dealbreaker like if a guy is an all around good guy and treats you well, I do think it's silly to throw him away because he doesn't read your mind or follow your hyper planning style--I wouldn't feel disrespected by it necessarily, just realize that some people are different than you and will express their interest and affection in a different way---like planning and sorting out the details of a date that doesn't happen until next week, might not be how he shows his interest. Is it cut and dry the reason, no? He could have little interest, not super motivated or just be a sh*tty planner who is into you--you don't know that part yet. Completely flip the script. It makes you more enticing. And the parameters should be reasonable. If you have this standard in place, perhaps you will do less overthinking, you know? 2
Miss Spider Posted November 13, 2020 Posted November 13, 2020 (edited) Yes, I agree with the posts. Like I said in the other thread, it is my belief that Bling is very picky. Picky is very often not about the right things. For example, a woman can only be so picky she is only attracted to men with a certain color of eyes, but still include deadbeats and jerks , etc. These two men are perfect examples of that. They are in no way good dating candidates. One is too far away. One has too much baggage’s, I would bet money that she is attracted to both of these men very strongly and she is going to let these clear problems go by the wayside because of that. Also, neither one of these men sounds that interested either. The first man is not even willing to come all the way to her and suggested an overnighter(sex). The second man made very vague plans and has not nailed down a date. Not overthinking this would be to just look elsewhere Edited November 13, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 3
boymommy Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 (edited) First off before we get into these guys..it's a good idea to be yourself and be selective. Do not worry about driving anyone away with your behavior or how you act/don't act. Be selective and act just like you normally would! That's how you find someone you are truly compatible with! Guy #1: NO. He sounds lazy and likes he is trying to get in your pants. He can agree to your "no intimacy" boundary but if he did then why is he suggesting a weekend getaway? I understand the distance but if he wants to meet he would suggest coming to you and booking his OWN hotel. So NO. DITCH HIM. Guy #2: Lots of issues here. He sounds like he's trying use you to get over some of his past issues and you sound like you really like fixing guys which is why he likes you. Trust me I've been there. It's not fun to be dating a "project boyfriend." That gets old really really quickly. They can't give back at all. Next! Trust me OLD sucks. You will have to get used to discarding guys right and left to find anyone decent. Make sure to take good care of yourself and don't go after someone just because he seems "decent." Edited November 18, 2020 by boymommy
Trail Blazer Posted November 21, 2020 Posted November 21, 2020 Nope and nope! LDR is a waste of time, unless you're already in a relationship and one of you has to move away for one reason or another. Since this isn't the case, and the guy is angling for a scenario where the lines can become blurred when it comes to intimacy, I just don't think his motives are kosher. I am pretty certain that this guy is merely an opportunist, who thinks he'll charm you over the course of the weekend and you'll wilt. I guarantee you he wouldn't turn you down if you found yourself caught in the moment after a romantic evening and you start snuggling. As for the other dude, well, he has too much baggage. It's one thing to be open and honest with someone and another thing entirely to emotionally dump on someone. I believe what he did was the latter. There's a very fine line between "this is my past but I've got a good handle on it" and "I have a lot of baggage from my past and I think being with someone [you!] will help me deal with it." Good luck! If I were in your shoes I'd move right along, though.
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