sophia34 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I don't regret a single thing about my decision to get married. I did what I felt was right at the time. And I was very deeply in love with him. It was as you said though, just that nagging voice or feeling that's trying to tell you something. Nothing concrete, or that you can put your finger on, just there. ... I guess the best I can tell you is, you won't regret doing something you felt was right for you, and if you did the best you could. That's all we can do. Nothing is perfect, nothing is set in stone, but do your best with what you've been dealt. Then learn from your mistakes. And enjoy the time you have. Oh, this thread was incredibly helpful to me as well! Ponder24, we could be the same person (in a relationship we're not sure of, heading toward marriage, overly logical, and incredibly indecisive!). I am so glad to read your experience and how you're dealing with this, as well as Walk's wonderful response. Although I know there might be someone out there that gives me that "I can't live without this person" feeling, there also might not. I've never felt it before, and I don't know if I'm capable of it or if it's possible for me. I'm with a great guy and I'll move forward with that. This has been an incredible help--thank you for sharing your experience!
sophia34 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I had another thought--so many people say that "If you have doubts before getting married, don't do it. It will likely lead to divorce." With 50 percent of American marriages ending in divorce, though, I just can't believe that they ALL came from people like you and me, ponder, who just weren't sure of the marriage? I would think that many of them got married knowing they were with "the one," "their soulmate," and "the person they couldn't live without." And yet, the marriages still ended. So, if that's the case, I have to believe that it has to also work the other way. That some of the people in the 50% of marriages that stay together had doubts about the marriage, but ended up realizing after the fact that it was indeed the right decision. Just a thought.
stitchie21 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Maybe you should put the wedding off and see if your feelings change, or if you feel ready...If they don't then I would say you just aren't ready, or he just isn't the right guy.
sophia34 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Walk, you say you're now in an amazing relationship. I wondered, what does your new man add to you and to your relationship that your ex did not? That's my main dilemma--I'm already with a man "who loves me for me and will encourage me to grow and achieve my dreams" as yours does for you. And yet, I'm still not feeling as I should. I was wondering what the difference is for you, between what you had with your ex and what you have now?
Walk Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Walk, you say you're now in an amazing relationship. I wondered, what does your new man add to you and to your relationship that your ex did not? I think the biggest difference... In my marriage, and while we were dating, I felt there was a power struggle. It wasn't bad, and we were working on it, so I felt there was comprimise and communication. 10 years later, I realized that he had all the control and I had freely given it up. But the harder I tried to get it back, the more he struggled to retain it. Nothing verbal. It was all underlying. You couldn't see it, or touch it. We never fought, we discussed things. We never went to bed angry. We used all the advice in the communication books. We both felt comfortable going to the other with a problem. It's just that I realized after a while that he was taking a lot more then I was getting out of the relationship. In my curent relationship, I don't feel that power struggle. Very, very occasionally it happens, but not on a regular basis. I feel more comfortable, and that he trusts I'm not going to do something to intentionally harm him. There's a lot more give and take emotionally. The second big one. I know myself better. I know what I'm willing to comprimise on, and what I cannot. I don't feel like I'm bending every which way, and being swayed in my opinions or desires. I'm more willing to stand up for myself and my views. While still knowing where I can comprimise. It has also made the current relationship more passionate in the bedroom. I ask for what I want, he's more then happy to oblige. I find it a huge turn on that he doesn't feel threatened by me, my desires, or my changes. He accepts them, and we work together to grow together. Long story short... Know yourself and you'll know what you need to make yourself happy. However, sometimes this can't happen until your ready.
Walk Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 I wondered, what does your new man add to you and to your relationship that your ex did not? Last thing... the current loves foreplay. I don't get groped in the middle of the night like I'm a blow up doll. It's not insert, thrust, repeat. He's taken a lot of time to get to know my likes and dislikes, and we work together to make each other happy. And he makes me believe my dreams are attainable. With or without him. And that no matter what happens, he wants me happy and to enjoy my life. Not just my life as long as I'm with him.
Walk Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 Last thing... I SWEAR. One of the things that helped keep our relationship going (with the ex) was finding hobbies that we could enjoy together. We took up Mountain biking, snowboarding, hiking, canoeing, rock climbing. Things that added some amount of excitment to our lives, in addition to spending time together. I think it's necessary if two people are going to commit for a lifetime to develop interests together that are going to make them feel alive. (You need seperate hobbies too) But it's sharing something that gets your heart pounding, and fear going, that helps add to the closeness. And I do believe that marriages are work, no matter if you think he's "the one" or if you're a little concerned about it. We can't control all aspects of our lives, but do your best with the things you can. I think it's very possible to have a successful marriage if you are willing to bust your ass for it. (both of you.)
sophia34 Posted December 16, 2005 Posted December 16, 2005 That makes me feel better, still. My fiance is good in every way, except for my uncertainty about him. The only thing I could possibly fault the relationship on is "boredom" (That's the one question that RecordProducer asked earlier that I could say "yes" on). But that's also something that he would be more than willing to address. We have many similar interests, and when we're not just tired from work, etc., we go out and do them together. And I think we can work on conversation a bit more as well, to make things a bit more interesting and not take each other for granted. And it's so funny that you say that your new guy says "he wants you to be happy" with or without him. My fiance has told me many times that he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, and he wants me to be happy even if that means we're not together. He's encouraged me to travel or even live in another city if that's what I think I need to do to be happy. I thought that was the sweetest thing in the world. I'm not getting married tomorrow--we're engaged and we're looking for a house together (stressful enough!). I'm hoping that the process will clear my head. THEN when we are ready to set a date, I'll truly be ready to proceed. Thank you again--you've helped so much. (And I must apologize to ponder...I think I unintentionally highjacked her thread!)
Author ponder24 Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Ha ha- Sophia34 that is too funny,,and please don't worry I read your posts and again,,it is always so nice to hear of someone else in my shoes. You never think(well at least with me) that anyone else out there may know how you are feeling. Yes, I basically looked at the whole thing, well me stressing/worrying/consuming my thoughts and emotions with pondering (hence the name) over "is he the one,,,feelings",,and fear of marriage as not so much,wasting my time,,,,but just eating away at my life,,and making me feel crappy. I am trying to just go with it,,and see what happens,,,and if it doesnt work out,,,I will deal with that when that happens. I know that sounds kinda bad,,,but that is where I am at. I am happy with him, he is a great guy, the wondering if there is someone better,,or better suited for me,,,bla bla,,,is completely legitimite concerns for sure,,but unless I can come to a concrete decision, I have to stop the worrying,,it is not good for my mind,,or body for that reason. The cliche statement,,,life is short,,and unpredictable for that matter,,really means something. Will these feelings come back,,probably,,I feel them time to time,,I may read something or see something,,that makes me start questioning things all over again,,,but I just have to hope and pray that this is what I am supposed to be doing,,and I will figure it out as I go. It is good to plan things out and be a perfectionist,,,but it can go to far for sure, and have an adverse affect I think.....I dunno...we will see. Wish me luck and I truly wish the best for you,,and Walk. Thank you for your words,,always nice to read.
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