Been dating for two months, but we rarely meet

[Amanda141]

Hello everyone

The past few months have been very chaotic. I spent the summer working as a babysitter in Spain, when I finally received an amazing call: I got my very first graduate job! It was supposed to be in Manchester (where I studied) but very last-minute they relocated me to...Berlin, where I didn't know anyone nor I speak the language...At the beginning I was shocked! In that situation I felt very lonely, so I decided to use Tinder. The first day I arrived in the city (18/09) I matched with this amazing guy (I am 23 and Italian, he is 28 and German). At the beginning I was texting with other guys as well, but then I realised that he had something special. Plus, we also live very close to each other, just 30 minutes on foot. We met a week after, and our first date went really well. Then his friends came to visit him, so we met two weeks later (so much time passed!)... Honestly I was thinking that he wasn't interested, given also the fact that after our second date, which lasted only 1.5 hours, we didn't kiss... but as soon as I got home, he sent me a message saying "short meeting, but nice". I didn't know what to think! We met again a week later, and finally we kissed. He told me that he usually takes a lot of time to kiss someone, so he wasn't expecting a kiss that night, but it happened and he liked it. We continued to text (mostly in the evening, as during the day we are busy working) and finally, on 26/10 I went to his place and we made love I was very happy! He texted me as soon as I got home. But unfortunately, the following day he left for a 10 days vacation in an island (one of the few spots where covid is not that big of a deal). We texted regularly and I was really happy when he asked me if I wanted to go to his place the day after he would get back to Berlin. He has many friends here, but I was the first person he decided to see after his holiday... this made my day :). So we met on Sunday to his place, had sex, ordered dinner and watched a movie together, hugging each other. He is very caring, and even if he is handsome with an amazing body, I find him quite shy and introverted. He doesn't seem very secure of himself, but that it's just my impression. He texted me if I got home safe and we are still texting. However, my concern is this: why meet up just once a week or even less? We live SO close to each other! For example, yesterday I asked him if he wanted to meet this weekend at my place, but he told me that he is already busy and asked if we can meet next week. 

On the one hand I think he likes me, but on the other hand I am not sure... if you like someone, wouldn't you like to see him/her more often?Especially if you live within a 30-minute walk. For me it would be ideal twice a week... We are both super busy with our jobs (I work for an ecommerce so you can imagine now, with the shops closed in half Europe, and Black Friday approaching...). I know that we are still in the very early stages of dating, but I want more. I am 100% involved with him, we texted basically everyday but have met just 5 times...

How can I tell him that I would like to see him more without being smothering and oppressive? I made this mistake in the past so I really don't wanna do it again. When I am with him I feel great, there is no place I'd rather be and time flies. I would like him to become my boyfriend, I think he takes this process slower, but I want at least to know if we are going in the same direction. I don't think he is the type of guy who sees more girls at the same time, but at this point I don't know... 

Any advice?  

 

[Miss Spider]

I think his interest level is low. Man who is interested will want to see you as much as possible . He certainly won’t go a week without a date if you’re 30 min away. Also, his words and actions are inconsistent. He said he takes awhile to kiss, yet he didn’t and you guys  slept together pretty quickly 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[ccas93]

I'd not get too hung up on this guy and see other people in the meantime. As of now it seems like he likes you casually. Maybe ask him where you stand and where this is going after your next meetup. 

[smackie9]

Yes move onto someone who meets your expectations...stop frittering around with someone who meets at their convenience.

[Wiseman2]

He's not as into this as you are. He's keeping his space and distance because right now it's just hooking up and apparently that's how he wants it.

If he wanted more or a GF, it would be crystal clear.

[yesilikebread]

I think you should ask him for what you want, you can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy. If you have spoken to him about your preferences and needs and he follows up, then great, but if he doesn’t, then you leave.

 

There are several things you can say to him,

‘’I enjoy your company and would like to meet more often ’’

‘’I know it’s still early for us, but to not waste my or your time I need to know if you are at a place in your life where you can be in a relationship’’

Choose your own words

Also, early stages of dating I try to meet someone only once a week but it’s because It’s still early and I want to miss/crave them. Doesn’t mean I don’t like them. Sometimes I’m just a pleasure delayer, I guess.

 

also #2, please don’t see your past actions as smothering and oppressive necessarily, which causes what seems to be fear of expressing your feelings/thoughts. Sometimes they are just ‘happy accidents’, like Bob Ross says (love him). All of those things have taught you something which allows you to move forward into a great relationship.

[Amanda141]

Thanks to everyone who replied! I like this guy A LOT, I certainly see myself with him long-term, but sometimes he's still a mystery for me. 

He does seem serious to me, but of course I can't expect to know 100% of him already. 

We are still texting, hopefully I will see him on Monday/Tuesday. He's coming to my place for dinner (here in Berlin restaurants are shut for the whole month). I definitely want to have the "defining the relationship" talk to see if we are on the same page  I don't want to marry him tomorrow, but also I want this to continue and evolve, even if slowly...He has 99% of the characteristics I look for in a guy (and I am super picky) so I hope this goes well.

I will update you, hopefully with good news  otherwise I'll just move on

[Miss Spider]

Good luck. Hope it works out for you

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SSM3]

Hey, good luck for next week and hope it goes well.

[d0nnivain]

23 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

How can I tell him that I would like to see him more without being smothering and oppressive?

Ask him for a date once in a while so you get to see him more often.  Don't couch it in terms of needing more time or defining the relationship.  Don't talk about it just yet.  Simply plan a date & ask him to accompany you.   You will get to see him more.  He will not feel smothered. 

It's waaaayyyyy too early for the define the relationship talk.  You open that can of worms & he will bolt for sure.  Just go with behavior for now.  Keep your emotions & expectations in check.  You are far more invested then he is at this point.  If you play the long game you may get what you want.  If you pressure him into a discussion he's not ready to have, you will lose him.  

Edited November 12, 2020 by d0nnivain

[introverted1]

 

23 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

 I don't think he is the type of guy who sees more girls at the same time, but at this point I don't know... 

 

 

I don't have sex with guys who are also having sex with other women (and I find this out before I have sex), so I'd start here and ask if you are sexually exclusive.  If the answer was anything but a resounding "yes," I'd be out.  But you're not me, so you can at least make a decision based on what he says. 

[Emerald_11]

1 hour ago, Amanda141 said:

Thanks to everyone who replied! I like this guy A LOT, I certainly see myself with him long-term, but sometimes he's still a mystery for me. 

He does seem serious to me, but of course I can't expect to know 100% of him already. 

We are still texting, hopefully I will see him on Monday/Tuesday. He's coming to my place for dinner (here in Berlin restaurants are shut for the whole month). I definitely want to have the "defining the relationship" talk to see if we are on the same page  I don't want to marry him tomorrow, but also I want this to continue and evolve, even if slowly...He has 99% of the characteristics I look for in a guy (and I am super picky) so I hope this goes well.

I will update you, hopefully with good news  otherwise I'll just move on

I would NOT bring up the defining the relationship talk unless you are prepared for him to be scared away from you & stop talking all together...In my opinion that is a very bad idea.  

If he wants to talk about this subject he will. You will have to be patient and give him more time to get to know you. 

It is awesome that you found someone that you like so much. That can be hard to find!  I think you are moving pretty fast so maybe it would be smart to pump the brakes a little on the sex. Hold off on any more sex until he decides to initiate the talk. This way you can protect yourself from becoming too attached to someone before you know how he really feels about you. This way if it doesn't work out the hurt will be more manageable for you.  There are other ways to be intimate and connect. 

If he doesn't initiate the talk soon maybe consider beginning to date other people as well......

I hope you both have a wonderful dinner together and enjoy some quality time together! 

Wishing you the best!

 

[Amanda141]

@Emerald_11 thanks so much! At the beginning I was dating other people but I stopped quite soon as I was not interested in them. I didn’t do anything with them (not even a kiss) and decided to fully concentrate on this guy. I don’t know if he is seeing other girls, I really hope he doesn’t he doesn’t seem the type but never say never.

I wish things were normal, without covid, so we could meet in other places and not just our flats. Maybe next time I’ll see if we can go on a walk together, he is very sporty so I think he could like it. Plus we live in a city full of things to see

maybe you and @d0nnivain are right and the “talk” is too soon. I’ll try to go with the flow and see how things evolve.. he knows I like him so it’s up to him.

i really hope for the best

[Miss Spider]

I can’t say I agree on holding back the sex until he gives the talk. That sounds super manipulative. Also he won’t have a clue while why you are holding back on sex and he’ll probably assume it was something wrong he did.  I think two months should be enough time to know if you want to be exclusive or that is within the realm of possibility. Right now you don’t even know if he is having sex with/spending time with other people when he is gone for a week not having sex /spending time with you. The only person that asking for exclusivity will scare off is someone that has absolutely no intention of being exclusive w you.. so they would be doing you a favor. 
 

anyway, whatever you decide to do, wait or talk, I hope it works out in your favor

Edited November 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[dangerous]

Interesting that you say " I like this guy A LOT, I certainly see myself with him long-term, but sometimes he's still a mystery for me."

That is classic attraction. We always want more what we fear to lose. If you knew everything, then there would be no chase, no yearning, Enjoy it!

On a more practical side, you said you are both busy with jobs, and he has other interests eg friends so it natural that you can't see eachother so often, and especially with Covid: apart from the practical restrictions in place, don't underestimate the psychological implications it has on us, being more cautious and not so out-going/ going out.

[Aus]

okay. you are in a foreign city where you don't know anyone. you are fixated on this guy and expecting him to fill all the companionship voids you're experiencing (friends/family/BF).

That's why you want to define the relationship. I beg of you not to do that!!. He is local, living his life, seeing his friends going on holidays and you are pining for him when you are not with him. Please know that men can feel these vibes even when you do your best to hide it and trust me when I say they run from it, even if they can't pinpoint the cause

Meeting once a week initially is a good pace for the beginning stages of dating, having slept with him without knowing where you stand has caused you to panic and wanting to speed up the process. 

You need to chill girl. Is there not a female colleague you can get together with? I know it's difficult with lockdown but please turn your attention elsewhere and let this guy come to you, pursue you, let him DTR.  

[Mystery4me]

You need to talk to him. You have been seeing each other for 2 months and are being intimate with each other. There is nothing wrong with telling him you want to see him more often as you enjoy spending time with him.

There is also nothing wrong with telling him you are not seeing or talking to other guys, and ask him how he feels about becoming exclusive.

The only time this will be 'too much' is if he doesn't feel the same about you as you do about him. Then you will have your answer.

From what you have posted, my initial reaction is that you will end up disappointed as you are right, when you meet someone you really like you want to see them as much as possible, but I hope I'm wrong.

Either way let us know how your talk goes.

[Amanda141]

I am so confused and still don’t know if telling him that I would like to see him more or just go with the flow and see how it evolves We are finally seeing each other on Wednesday (yeep, still so far away). Unfortunately with the covid situation is not super easy to make friends... I have just 3 colleagues now as the rest on the team is working from home but luckily more people are coming to Berlin soon. Being eith them and not just thinking about “my guy” will certainly help

 

i’ll keep you updated

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

I am so confused and still don’t know if telling him that I would like to see him more or just go with the flow and see how it evolves We are finally seeing each other on Wednesday (yeep, still so far away). Unfortunately with the covid situation is not super easy to make friends... I have just 3 colleagues now as the rest on the team is working from home but luckily more people are coming to Berlin soon. Being eith them and not just thinking about “my guy” will certainly help

i’ll keep you updated

Hey Amanda, just had a chance to read this thread.   My take?  Continue to go with the flow, however, since you're having sexual relations, then at least talk with him about exclusivity. 

I can understand wanting to go slow, once a week was fine for me and my fiancé during the first couple of months.   Once in awhile we'd see each other more often, but for the most part it was once a week, Saturday into Sunday.

In between we texted and emailed, mostly email, which I loved!  We had some great conversations that way.  Maintained our connection.   After around 2.5 months, I asked him very casually in a cute easy way "hey, do you want to be exclusive"? 

His response?  "I thought we were already exclusive'!"  It was a light conversation, nothing heavy or pressuring.

I absolutely 100% agree with shortskirts, do NOT cut off sex.  That little ploy will backfire on you, I can almost guarantee it!  It's manipulative, will confuse him and may even piss him off.  It's game playing at its finest, even though that's not your intention.  That is how HE will interpret it.

So yeah still take it one day at a time, but talk with him about being exclusive.  He may tell you just what my fiancé told me but it's good to confirm it.  Have it out in the open so you're not wondering about it.

If he gives you any reasons or excuses why he can't, then if it were me, I would reconsider the relationship, tbh I'd probably stop seeing him.

Keep us posted and good luck!

 

Edited November 13, 2020 by poppyfields

[Amanda141]

UPDATE

Hello guys, yesterday we indeed met but unfortunately it didn't go as I hoped. We had dinner at my place, then he suggested going for a walk. I found it odd but okay let's go. After some time that we were walking he starts... "I need to tell you something"... basically last week his ex (they broke up at the beginning of september) reached out to him saying that she misses him and wants another opportunity. They met last weekend and he realised he still has feeling for her...

Of course I was very disappointed and sad  but at least I really appreciated his honesty and the fact that he had the guts to tell me this in person even if he is very introverted and shy... he told me that should I ever need anything, he's there for me, but at the moment it's all that he can offer. He still thinks about her and wants to give her a second chance. He said he was sorry and was feeling guilty, but wanted to be sincere...

 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry, Amanda. At least now you know and can move forward 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Don't stay friends or stay in touch. You don't want to be caught in the middle of anyone's on/off drama.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Start fresh. Live and learn. Next time view this much hesitation as a red flag

[peach302]

15 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

UPDATE

Hello guys, yesterday we indeed met but unfortunately it didn't go as I hoped. We had dinner at my place, then he suggested going for a walk. I found it odd but okay let's go. After some time that we were walking he starts... "I need to tell you something"... basically last week his ex (they broke up at the beginning of september) reached out to him saying that she misses him and wants another opportunity. They met last weekend and he realised he still has feeling for her...

Of course I was very disappointed and sad  but at least I really appreciated his honesty and the fact that he had the guts to tell me this in person even if he is very introverted and shy... he told me that should I ever need anything, he's there for me, but at the moment it's all that he can offer. He still thinks about her and wants to give her a second chance. He said he was sorry and was feeling guilty, but wanted to be sincere...

 

When a man says he's  too busy to meet you when you only live 30 minutes  away. That is most definitely  a red flag. 

 

[Mo_Do]

Had a GF that was rarely around a couple years ago.  The reason I figured was she didn't want a full boyfriend, she just wanted reliable sex when she felt like it, usually followed up with dinner and a movie every week or 2. 

[StrongHands]

At least the guy had the decency to be upfront about his situation.