Realised I have ended with who seems to be my Mr Big again

[allofyou]

35 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I've done all kinds of self-healing work - counseling, books, videos, meditation, journaling. I feel like I was about 95% there when I began my last relationship, which started out well with latent issues emerging a couple months in. Hopefully I'm 100% there now and next time around will be better. 

Have you done any of this stuff to get at the root of your hangups?

How do you make use of journaling btw?

I would say I only come across these sort of situation once or twice a year. Last time I encountered my previous Mr Big was a year before this. Would be good to know how I keep the journaling when I’m not actively dating or thinking about these sort of things too 

[allofyou]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

That’s because adjusting it is really hard. Your picker is formed by a combo of your genetics, childhood, and environment. Your brain essentially is wired a certain way. Luckily, our brains are “plastic” and moldable, but it’s really hard. And the more ingrained the wiring, the harder it is.

Think of someone that loves junk food. That’s how they’re wired. It’s what tastes good and what they crave. But it’s unhealthy. If they want a healthy body, they need to eat healthy food. But they don’t like healthy food. And it’s really hard to change what you like. 

And I think the simple solution would be to quit cold turkey, i.e. breaking things off as soon as I know they are not available to me or could give me the relationship I want. Absolutely no casual arrangement etc. 

[poppyfields]

allofyou, it's been said that people who choose to become and remain involved with those with commitment issues, have commitment issues of their own.

The one pulling back or running away = active commitment fears.

The one who remains, waiting, hoping = passive commitment fears.

The theory being (for the passive partner aka you), if a commitment is truly what you want, then why remain involved with a person (your Mr. Big) whom you know is incapable of ever giving you one! 

On some level, it feels safe to you, because you may fear commitment yourself, but not be aware or in touch with those fears.   That's the theory anyway. 

There is a great book I often recommend that explains this phenomenon called "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Our Relationships."

It was sort of my bible for a time, I learned a lot from it!  

 

 

 

Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Most people do not have fears of commitment. Most people have fears of committing to the wrong thing when they don’t wanna.  If they don’t recognize your value and see you are worth locking down, recognize your own value and move on to someone who does. 
 

I think I saw a couple episode reruns for a few min back in the day but I thought it was boring 

Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Happy Lemming]

27 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

allofyou, it's been said that people who choose to become and remain involved with those with commitment issues, have commitment issues of their own.

 

Yes, but some people are very good at hiding their commitment issues and can lie about the subject with expertise. 

Including me...  Yes, I could lie with a straight face every time the subject came up.  I am a Commitment-phobe with a capital "C", and could lie with the best of them.

Sometimes you don't know who has commitment issues and who doesn't.

My current girlfriend is the only woman I've told that I NEVER want to get married and I've dated A LOT of women.

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yes, but some people are very good at hiding their commitment issues and can lie about the subject with expertise. 

Including me...  Yes, I could lie with a straight face every time the subject came up.  I am a Commitment-phobe with a capital "C", and could lie with the best of them.

Sometimes you don't know who has commitment issues and who doesn't.

My current girlfriend is the only woman I've told that I NEVER want to get married and I've dated A LOT of women.

Thanks for this Lemming, and for proving that "commitment-phobia" is a real thing, and that you can love your partner and still have these issues.  

I'm happy to see you settled with one woman, and that she's accepted you, no holds barred!! 

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I'm happy to see you settled with one woman, and that she's accepted you, no holds barred!! 

It's not really an acceptance thing...

She NEVER wants to get re-married.  After a really rough divorce, she has no desire to ever get married again.

So she was relieved that we are both on the same page.

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, allofyou said:

And I think the simple solution would be to quit cold turkey, i.e. breaking things off as soon as I know they are not available to me or could give me the relationship I want. Absolutely no casual arrangement etc. 

That won’t fix you being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. You’ll just date more of them for shorter periods of time. You have to get to the core of why you’re only attracted to men that are unavailable to you.

[Chilli]

13 hours ago, allofyou said:

I agree completely. I am just so confused and upset now. Why do I always seem to be after emotionally unavailable men? It’s been years of this. For the first few, I’d say it was because I was young and looking for a thrill. Now I do feel more secure about myself and life is great. I still managed to be back with Mr Big’s. I really thought I was just looking for someone who I have great sex, who can make me laugh and who seems to care about me. They all turned out to be Mr Big!

Why , pretty simple. You mention the sexual side l dunno how many times in you first post and again in this one. Anytime anyone talks like that round here it;s always the same old story.

Start using your brains not the v , think about these things and get to know him , be selective , very selective, think about what you want and how you feel before getting involved. Him, casual , writings all over the wall day one wtf were you even with him. Give you one guess, not thinking with your brain again.

Edited November 12, 2020 by Chilli

[Lorenza]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Simply not true Lorenza.  One of my brothers (I have five) married his girlfriend after an off/on relationship that lasted ten years. 

Bless her heart, she "hung in" and my brother told me he literally woke up one morn, had some sort of epiphany or something and realized she was "the one."  He was not just settling because he couldn't find anyone better.  

Same thing with one of the female attorneys I work with, it took her boyfriend five years.  They were off/on as well.  They are married now and extremely happy.

I'm not saying that will happen in OP's situation, there is no way to know what the outcome would be.

But it does happen. 

Just because it ended in a fairytale for someone, somewhere, doesn't mean a woman should hang in there and wait for a commitmentphobe to have an epiphany. Most likely it wont happen. That would be a very bad advice. I would never wait 5 years and you never recommend someone does. 

[Ruby Slippers]

19 hours ago, allofyou said:

How do you make use of journaling btw?

I would say I only come across these sort of situation once or twice a year. Last time I encountered my previous Mr Big was a year before this. Would be good to know how I keep the journaling when I’m not actively dating or thinking about these sort of things too 

I've been writing/journaling for years and there are many different ways to approach it. Check out a book and workbook by Louise Hay called "You Can Heal Your Life." I haven't read it yet, but many people I know have raved about it. Another approach is from Julia Cameron, called "morning pages." Every morning, as soon as you wake up, you sit down and free-write for 3 pages / 30 minutes. Don't think. Don't stop moving the pen. Just write. What will happen is that everything that needs addressing in your life will come out on the page. Review every few weeks and highlight what jumps out at you. You can't sit there and write every day about what you need to work on without doing something about it. You'll naturally start to face the issues and find solutions.

Friends are also very important. I have one close friend who's like a sister that I talk to for about an hour every week, about anything and everything - relationships, work, fitness and health, goals. We help keep each other accountable, offer endless support. This is a huge help.

19 hours ago, allofyou said:

And I think the simple solution would be to quit cold turkey, i.e. breaking things off as soon as I know they are not available to me or could give me the relationship I want. Absolutely no casual arrangement etc. 

Yes. I don't do anything casual. But I have minimized potential issues that came up early on, only to realize later I could have foreseen in the first week of dating that it would become a problem. While I wasn't aware of it at the time, looking back I can see that the reason I did that is because on some level I wasn't confident I could do better. I rationalized it to myself by saying I shouldn't be so picky, give the guy a chance.

Where I am now is that I'd rather be single than be in something compromised. I know exactly how it turns out when I ignore my intuition early on. So if I get the slightest off feelings about a guy in the future, I plan to move on right away.

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, Lorenza said:

Just because it ended in a fairytale for someone, somewhere, doesn't mean a woman should hang in there and wait for a commitmentphobe to have an epiphany. Most likely it wont happen. That would be a very bad advice. I would never wait 5 years and you never recommend someone does. 

I don't disagree with that.  And I never said a woman should hang in there.  Nor did I recommend she wait five years or however long.

I was simply responding to your post stating it never happens.  That an initially reluctant man will never commit (paraphrasing).

Did you miss this part of my post?

>>I'm not saying that will happen in OP's situation, there is no way to know what the outcome would be.  But it does happen." <<

With respect to my brother's situation and the woman I work with, they weren't "fairly tale" endings.  It was real life.  And they are both extremely happy now.  

 

Edited November 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

On 11/11/2020 at 1:18 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

What is a Mr. big. Is this guy hot

Not to derail this but I'm 99% sure from reading your posts over time that you will really like this series....binge it immediately!  I probably saw the whole series at least 8 times during lockdown....it's always on E! 

So to the OP, wondering maybe if you pick emotionally unavailable guys because you like the challenge?  Guys aren't the only ones that like a challenge.

Secondly, I totally agree with smackie, that you can simultaneously (even preferably) approach your problem (not with this guy but future ones) by addressing the problem of why they are not committing to YOU.  I'd guess the problem is a little of both to be honest.  To be committed to, you have to conduct yourself in a girlfriend way, which kinda means saying no to "not girlfriend stuff".  You allow entrance into your life rather than beg or even show guys that you merit entrance into theirs.  See the difference?  It's a big one in reality and should help you.Good luck

 

ps oh I wouldn't recommend trying to fix things with this current guy.  Once he's set an opinion that you are not his romantic match, it's pretty unsurmountable---not totally impossible, of course, but typically a waste of time and likely to chip away at your self esteem.  A better approach that has to do with snagging him back is to move on like his word is gospel (that he sees no future with you like that).  That way you cover the bases of finding someone who could REALLY love you as well as flip things with this guy.  You won't get him by behaving the "same". 

Edited November 15, 2020 by Versacehottie

[smackie9]

On 11/11/2020 at 3:16 PM, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

 

I think I saw a couple episode reruns for a few min back in the day but I thought it was boring 

I did the same thing. I couldn't get into it. I preferred those old shows like Dallas and Dynasty, they were way more juicy/fun, appealed to a wider audience.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

So to the OP, wondering maybe if you pick emotionally unavailable guys because you like the challenge?  Guys aren't the only ones that like a challenge.

 

i would add that part of the reason people like a dating or romantic challenge is they seek validation and worth externally. In other words, deep down you might think "if only I can win him over, it will mean I'm worthy".  Secondly, there's this thing that if you are CLOSE to reaching a "goal" it keeps you hooked in.  Even if on some level, you realize it's unattainable or a waste of your time or causing you more pain than the "win" would.  That's one reason if you have a back and forth thing with someone or a FWB that you want to be more it's not a good idea to stay in touch with them---especially if you are not actively replacing the minuscule attention you get from them with attention from someone else that has potential.

I also think the belief systems you have about yourself have a sneaky way at coming true.  You believe you always fall for commitment-phobic guys, therefore you do.  Therefore the patterns you create with a person that has the potential to avoid a relationship (with you, or in general), does exactly that.  On some level when I read your initial post, I feel like you think you are cursed in some way regarding relationships--change that belief system and watch your results change.  It's not even hokey to believe this.  It's the same thing that has been proven for elite sports performance and things along those lines.  When you believe you CAN, you brain starts figuring out the appropriate steps and attitude toward things.  When you believe you can't, it stays concentrated on those steps.  Honestly, it's in most interactions and expressions (like even a sentence someone says or writes), you can tell their self-positioning in relation to what they believe they are capable of or how they will fare in the world or some situation.  If you can't make it to thinking it's 100% possible to have a healthy relationship with a great available guy, try to at least get yourself AWAY from the negative thinking pattern, where you don't exactly know what will happen but anything could happen, ie neutral.  AND if you are functioning in neutral (or any state) you need to be VERY careful how you characterize what does happen to you.  Like in your current situation, I would probably characterize it as a learning lesson or that you are LUCKY in love because it was very short.  Or take the good parts about the relationship and remind yourself, that you are this or that that build you UP and allow you to apply that out into the world with others.  But have the wisdom and self-assurance to move away from this one.

[allofyou]

@Versacehottie I loved everything you said there and agreed completely
 

I told him I do not wish to stay in contact. I just really wanted to close that chapter. Then next day, he messaged me to ask me a random question. I deleted everything immediately. 
 

I 100% agree with you on the affirmation point. I spent years telling myself dating is hard and I’m never gonna meet anyone because it hasn’t happened after x years why would it happen now. Then every guy that came along who did the absolute bare minimum (to me this means just consistent texting and meet-ups) had a much bigger impact on my life than it should’ve. From now on, I’m going to remind myself that I need to be open to love and will find love eventually with someone who actually is great for me. It may take a while but I do think I will get there. :)

[Versacehottie]

yeah see in part your own mindset has been working against you.  You can't see guys on the whole as the enemy, or yourself as cursed or your lack of a relationship for years or currently as deficient.  It will probably all make "sense" when you find your person.  If you characterize it in a way that keeps you motivated to keep trying, keep fine-tuning your efforts and not chip away at who you are WHILE still doing the steps & habits that are necessary to put yourself out there and meet people in a way that showcases who you are.  You have to stop focusing so hard on the end result of "have a boyfriend" and enjoy dating.  Even a bad date is a funny story for your friends, a chance to practice dating skills (don't say why would you bother--the reality is that will help you be prepared in a dating sense for when you are ON a date with guys you want to keep dating), a chance to grow yourself.

when you meet the right person, the road you traveled will make sense.  I actually even know more than several when a failed date LED a girlfriend to the guy (or at least a good guy she dated for a while).  It requires openness to see those opportunities though.  maybe you've been single and not succeeding all this time because the right guy is around the corner and the universe needs you to wait for him and grow in order to be ready for him.  Idk, there is science, art and magic in relationships.  You kind of have to work all angles to your best ability and then trust the rest will fall in place.  Funny that you brought up sex and the city---if you look at the series again, it's essentially set up to tell part of this story, Carrie and her friends go on bad date after bad date, get their hearts broken, break a few, all the while growing as people and learning from these experiences--hence the Carrie voiceovers and her column (and question posed in many of the episodes.  It may take a while but you will get there, good luck

[Ruby Slippers]

Why not block him? Then he won't be able to wiggle his way in at a weak moment. 

[allofyou]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Why not block him? Then he won't be able to wiggle his way in at a weak moment. 

I feel indifferent now. I don’t tend to block people. It’s too drastic for my personality. And the thing is, I do need him to be able to tell me if there are terrible news like if he’s got COVID or STD...cos I have been exposed to him 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

People have difficulty blocking people that they’re into. It’s a very rare thing when that happens and they’d have to be pushed to the very very edge after a long period of time to even consider it 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

People have difficulty blocking people that they’re into. It’s a very rare thing when that happens and they’d have to be pushed to the very very edge after a long period of time to even consider it 

Not me. I find it a very useful tool. If I don't want to hear from a guy, I'll block him everywhere except on email. Then he can contact me if he really needs to tell me something - but otherwise I don't have to be bothered. Since our phones are basically phantom limbs for all of us now, I only give people I like and trust such a direct connection to me.

But if @allofyou doesn't need or want it, that's her call.

[Miss Spider]

7 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Not me. I find it a very useful tool. If I don't want to hear from a guy, I'll block him everywhere except on email. Then he can contact me if he really needs to tell me something - but otherwise I don't have to be bothered. Since our phones are basically phantom limbs for all of us now, I only give people I like and trust such a direct connection to me.

But if @allofyou doesn't need or want it, that's her call.

So you find it easy to even for men that you are really interested in/like? I guess you are stronger than most people because it is not very common on here for a person to block someone they like. I think I would struggle with it too.I’ve blocked a lot of people, but only people I have 0 interest in so didn’t want to communicate with anymore 

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[allofyou]

15 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

People have difficulty blocking people that they’re into. It’s a very rare thing when that happens and they’d have to be pushed to the very very edge after a long period of time to even consider it 

I just don’t block people in general unless they harass me. He didn’t. I also don’t see the need to block him, which means his number will be forever stored in my phone. I rather not have his number. 

[Miss Spider]

Can you delete his number at least? I’ve noticed it’s a lot easier for people to do that

Edited November 17, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Ruby Slippers]

I only block people I no longer want any communication with. Just deleting has not worked for me in the past, because they just keep texting and trying to draw me back in, so it becomes a nuisance.