allofyou Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 I have posted things about this guy before. Since then, we have been on and off casually for another 6 months. I have finally ended it again. We were together on and off for about 8 months in total with gaps in between. Today I realised he was my Mr Big. Like Carrie and Mr Big, we spent a lot of time together like a couple (tho we are casual). The sexual chemistry was amazing and we couldn’t get our hands off each other. We got on very well as friends too. Like Carrie and Big, we just have so much fun together. We like each other. We care for each other. Even the age gap is similar. He has been single for a while and enjoys being single. Neither of us were seeing other people and both of us were looking for a relationship. At the same time, like Big, he just doesn’t see me as “the one” and he doesn’t think he will have those deeper feelings for me It’s been a mental rollercoaster for me, for someone to say they like you, care for you, invest that kind of time and energy in you for a long period of time, and still think you’re their Carrie, and you’re not “the one”. Now I want to move forward. It’s daunting to me. I always fall back on these emotionally unavailable guys or guys who are probs just not that into me because I’m drawn to how easy and comfortable it is. The sexual chemistry. The trill. Everything felt so right but wrong at the same time. Now it’s hard for me to imagine I can eventually find someone who are compatible with me on different levels, sexually, personality wise, life goals etc. And it’s also hard for me not to think it’s not my imagination again when I thought someone actually are very into me
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 It wasn't your imagination. He exhibited some signs of being into you. The issue is the actions & the words don't match. When they tell you that you are not "the one" believe them even if their behavior is kind & interested. You have to recognize that as interested for now, not forever. Since you have now identified the problem -- you being attracted to emotionally unavailable men -- try finding ones who are available. 1
Author allofyou Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: It wasn't your imagination. He exhibited some signs of being into you. The issue is the actions & the words don't match. When they tell you that you are not "the one" believe them even if their behavior is kind & interested. You have to recognize that as interested for now, not forever. Since you have now identified the problem -- you being attracted to emotionally unavailable men -- try finding ones who are available. I agree completely. I am just so confused and upset now. Why do I always seem to be after emotionally unavailable men? It’s been years of this. For the first few, I’d say it was because I was young and looking for a thrill. Now I do feel more secure about myself and life is great. I still managed to be back with Mr Big’s. I really thought I was just looking for someone who I have great sex, who can make me laugh and who seems to care about me. They all turned out to be Mr Big!
smackie9 Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 I'm not trying to be harsh here but lets flip the coin and ask: maybe there is something about you that makes them not want to commit to. I have heard on these boards from the guys that strong feelings/emotional level for someone, does and can come from great sex next to having things in common.....so what is making these guys back away from you? I can't imagine someones picker being that bad that each and every guy they choose isn't interested in a relaitonship. 1
Miss Spider Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 I never saw sex and the city but uh, that sucks
poppyfields Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) Not trying to invalidate your feelings and looking within to determine why you make the choices you make is the right way to go. But let's not forget, Carrie and Mr. Big did eventually get married. He did commit. She did turn out to be his "the one." Just took him longer to get there with many bumps along the way. As Shakespeare wrote - "the course of true love never did run smooth." ~ A Midsummer Night's Dream Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields
Weezy1973 Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 4 hours ago, allofyou said: Why do I always seem to be after emotionally unavailable men? Desiring people that are unavailable is often a defense mechanism. It could mean deep down you feel unworthy of being loved, so if you know the guy is unavailable it’s “safe” as it won’t become something serious and committed. Often these feelings of unworthiness stem from childhood. You relationship with your parents or your parents relationship with each other when you’re young forms a lot of how we feel about ourselves when we get older. If you’ve noticed a pattern, and that you fall into it over and over, therapy can help. Be forewarned though - change is not easy. These thought patterns and defense mechanisms run deep. 3
Lorenza Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 38 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Not trying to invalidate your feelings and looking within to determine why you make the choices you make is the right way to go. But let's not forget, Carrie and Mr. Big did eventually get married. He did commit. She did turn out to be his "the one." Just took him longer to get there with many bumps along the way. As Shakespeare wrote - "the course of true love never did run smooth." ~ A Midsummer Night's Dream Carrie and Big ending up together was just producers providing fanservice. The author was really against that idea - realistically so. A Mr Big would never commit to a Carrie in real life which is what happening to the OP. And even if a guy like that would eventually commit after years of stringing someone along - I would just assume he didn't find someone better and settled for something comfortable in order not to end up lonely. Edited November 11, 2020 by Lorenza 4
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 As a young woman I was a very aggressive dater. I never let a man "best" me. I always saw it as a power struggle. I do tend to like confident almost cocky successful men & usually dated actors, salesmen, trial lawyers, politicians etc. That guy who's presence commands a room. There were always issues. My husband has a quiet deep calming strength. He's also an introvert. It's very different. When I met him I had promised myself I would stop initially trying to be on top, to being in charge. I committed to let the next guy I dated be the Man in our relationship. Please note I had a good "picker". Even though they could be larger than life, the men I dated were quality, moral, ethical, intelligent guys. I didn't change my standards, just my behavior. I also threw it out to the universe that I wanted a sexy guy with a dry sense of human & a good work ethic who was strong enough to let me be weak. I got a US Marine. So amend your mindset to you wanting an emotionally available guy who makes you laugh, who's great in bed who wants a commitment & see what happens.
poppyfields Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Carrie and Big ending up together was just producers providing fanservice. The author was really against that idea - realistically so. A Mr Big would never commit to a Carrie in real life which is what happening to the OP. And even if a guy like that would eventually commit after years of stringing someone along - I would just assume he didn't find someone better and settled for something comfortable in order not to end up lonely. Simply not true Lorenza. One of my brothers (I have five) married his girlfriend after an off/on relationship that lasted ten years. Bless her heart, she "hung in" and my brother told me he literally woke up one morn, had some sort of epiphany or something and realized she was "the one." He was not just settling because he couldn't find anyone better. Same thing with one of the female attorneys I work with, it took her boyfriend five years. They were off/on as well. They are married now and extremely happy. I'm not saying that will happen in OP's situation, there is no way to know what the outcome would be. But it does happen. Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 10 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: What is a Mr. big. Is this guy hot Mr. Big is a character on a TV show: Sex and The City. He was played by the actor Chris Noth. He was handsome, rich, emotionally unavailable & a bit of a player who was a total commitment phobe & philanderer 1
Author allofyou Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Not trying to invalidate your feelings and looking within to determine why you make the choices you make is the right way to go. But let's not forget, Carrie and Mr. Big did eventually get married. He did commit. She did turn out to be his "the one." Just took him longer to get there with many bumps along the way. As Shakespeare wrote - "the course of true love never did run smooth." ~ A Midsummer Night's Dream Aww Bless you and thanks for this adorable comment. I ofc would not expect that’s how things would play out for me haha and I don’t have years to waste on someone hoping they would change their mind. I have seen it happen to my friends tho. :) 1
Miss Spider Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Mr. Big is a character on a TV show: Sex and The City. He was played by the actor Chris Noth. He was handsome, rich, emotionally unavailable & a bit of a player who was a total commitment phobe & philanderer Ohh I see. Thanks. And the show ends with her ending up with him for fan service? And that’s supposed to be romantic or something? Because “oh yeah I didn’t see you worth committing to and wanted to bang everything else but I guess I change my mind. happily ever after.” How is that romantic. I just don’t get some chicks, man. Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 Real life is not a TV show. In real life, Mr. Big never would have married Carrie. It was a happy twist at the end for audience feel-goods. Adjusting your "picker," as they call it, is a process. If you have trauma, abuse, neglect, etc. in your past, you're going to see the product of that in your romantic relationships and it can take years to get it right. 3
Author allofyou Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Lorenza said: Carrie and Big ending up together was just producers providing fanservice. The author was really against that idea - realistically so. A Mr Big would never commit to a Carrie in real life which is what happening to the OP. And even if a guy like that would eventually commit after years of stringing someone along - I would just assume he didn't find someone better and settled for something comfortable in order not to end up lonely. The only thing I would expect from my Mr Big is maybe circling back for more, which is exactly what Mr Big did in the show
Author allofyou Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said: Real life is not a TV show. In real life, Mr. Big never would have married Carrie. It was a happy twist at the end for audience feel-goods. Adjusting your "picker," as they call it, is a process. If you have trauma, abuse, neglect, etc. in your past, you're going to see the product of that in your romantic relationships and it can take years to get it right. I feel like I have always known my picker is off but I just never had success adjusting it
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 12 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Ohh I see. Thanks. And the show ends with her ending up with him for fan service? And that’s supposed to be romantic or something? Because “oh yeah I didn’t see you worth committing to and wanted to bang everything else but I guess I change my mind. happily ever after.” How is that romantic. I just don’t get some chicks, man. Supposedly he reformed. He rescues her from another bad relationship but it does get worse. He leaves her at the alter but she eventually takes him back. Very Hollywood & totally self destructive, unrealistic. Works on TV, not real life. 2
Miss Spider Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: Supposedly he reformed. He rescues her from another bad relationship but it does get worse. He leaves her at the alter but she eventually takes him back. Very Hollywood & totally self destructive, unrealistic. Works on TV, not real life. Agree. And that sounds atrocious.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 3 minutes ago, allofyou said: I feel like I have always known my picker is off but I just never had success adjusting it I've done all kinds of self-healing work - counseling, books, videos, meditation, journaling. I feel like I was about 95% there when I began my last relationship, which started out well with latent issues emerging a couple months in. Hopefully I'm 100% there now and next time around will be better. Have you done any of this stuff to get at the root of your hangups? 3
poppyfields Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) Guys, SITC was a TV show. Fiction, not reality TV. The OP used as an example. Re Mr. Big marrying Carrie, of course it was fan based. The entire show was built on attracting a fan base. A little escape from real life for one hour a week. allofyou, no one knows what the outcome might be, but follow your own intuition, and if you don't have years (or desire) to wait, then wish him well and walk. All the best moving forward! Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields 1 1
Miss Spider Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Guys, SITC A little off topic, but the name of the show is Sex AND the city. The only thing I know of the show is it’s a common example of The Mandela Effect , where a large group of people remember something to be different than what it is. A lot of ipeople remember it as sex IN the city Edited November 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Happy Lemming Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 48 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Mr. Big is a character on a TV show: Sex and The City. He was played by the actor Chris Noth. He was handsome, rich, emotionally unavailable & a bit of a player who was a total commitment phobe & philanderer I had heard that there was a screen play for the next installment of the "Sex and the City" movie series where they were going to "kill off" Mr. Big (heart attack) and have Carrie be a widow. Apparently, one of the four main actresses said "no", I think it was Kim Cattrall... https://www.gaytimes.co.uk/culture/this-is-why-kim-cattrall-refused-to-do-sex-and-the-city-3/ I only know this because my girlfriend is a HUGE "Sex and the City" fan and enjoyed the "Carrie and Mr. Big" story line.
poppyfields Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: A little off topic, but the name of the show is Sex AND the city. The only thing I know of the show is it’s a common example of The Mandela Effect , where a large group of people remember something to be different than what it is. A lot of ipeople remember it as sex IN the city Lol, interesting! I stand corrected! SATC, lol. You never watched it? Edited November 11, 2020 by poppyfields
Weezy1973 Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 34 minutes ago, allofyou said: I feel like I have always known my picker is off but I just never had success adjusting it That’s because adjusting it is really hard. Your picker is formed by a combo of your genetics, childhood, and environment. Your brain essentially is wired a certain way. Luckily, our brains are “plastic” and moldable, but it’s really hard. And the more ingrained the wiring, the harder it is. Think of someone that loves junk food. That’s how they’re wired. It’s what tastes good and what they crave. But it’s unhealthy. If they want a healthy body, they need to eat healthy food. But they don’t like healthy food. And it’s really hard to change what you like.
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