Dating a Married Woman

[Bonifidelifelover]

5 hours ago, Beca L said:

I was a single (still am) mother of 3 and lonely and I guess vulnerable just like you. They do it because they can and they use us.

In regards to your questions, I ask myself the same each day. The answer is really, who knows. These men and women are narcissists and have no respect or compassion. A friend from this site recently told me that yes they probably do miss us or pine after us but then they turn to the BS and ask if they want a cup of tea and discuss what holiday they will go on or plants they will buy for the garden. They really only care about themselves, just remember that. You deserve someone better.

Yep spot on 

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 12/8/2020 at 6:44 AM, kconleyk said:

Out of nowhere she just texted me "trying to be upfront and honest, we have been in the same bed again since Friday, nothing has or will happen physically but wanted you to know"

Like she was/is some amazing person, and being upfront and honest, 5 days after it started.   I am a f***ing idiot.....

Wow. See. Games. She doesn’t fool this community, we know what’s up

[Beca L]

51 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

Why is this so easy to understand but so hard to mentally comprehend 

Because you are still in love with the person you thought she really was, the one who 'bewitched' you as others have mentioned. So it's hard to comprehend how that same person could now be back tracking and telling you she's sleeping with her husband again, blowing hot and cold and then going silent.

NC is so very hard, I know because I'm doing it, but it is the only way for you to heal and move forward with your life. It may take 6 months, a year or two but one day you will feel better and you have a chance of happiness and love. She, on the other hand will still be in a marriage that does not fulfil her, with a BS who she had lied and cheated on. You have dodged a bullet! 

[Bonifidelifelover]

13 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Because you are still in love with the person you thought she really was, the one who 'bewitched' you as others have mentioned. So it's hard to comprehend how that same person could now be back tracking and telling you she's sleeping with her husband again, blowing hot and cold and then going silent.

NC is so very hard, I know because I'm doing it, but it is the only way for you to heal and move forward with your life. It may take 6 months, a year or two but one day you will feel better and you have a chance of happiness and love. She, on the other hand will still be in a marriage that does not fulfil her, with a BS who she had lied and cheated on. You have dodged a bullet! 

I agree just shut her down! Even if she shows up take ur heart & power back & don’t answer thee door

[kconleyk]

Apparently a mutual friend texted her some not nice stuff about her, one of her co-workers told me she was all upset over some things a mututal friend texted her telling her how awful a person she has been.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

Apparently a mutual friend texted her some not nice stuff about her, one of her co-workers told me she was all upset over some things a mututal friend texted her telling her how awful a person she has been.

All hearsay and gossip. Now that she is back in bed with her husband did she  block you? Why can't you communicate directly?

[kconleyk]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All hearsay and gossip. Now that she is back in bed with her husband did she  block you? Why can't you communicate directly?

I blocked her, not hearsay, the assistant sent me a screen shot of the text 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

I blocked her, not hearsay, the assistant sent me a screen shot of the text 

You are still thinking about her... you are still very much engaged in her drama. 

Things will get better when you spend more time thinking about your own life, and less time thinking about her...

Edited December 10, 2020 by BaileyB

[kconleyk]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You are still thinking about her... you are still very much engaged in her drama. 

Things will get better when you spend more time thinking about your own life, and less time thinking about her...

I'm trying, I'm trying so hard 

[Bonifidelifelover]

30 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

I'm trying, I'm trying so hard 

Maybe go on a little getaway with ur daughter just u two. It’ll give u time to evaluate. Invest in ur daughter. Trust me it might seem lonely & like u might not find love again but u will! 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, kconleyk said:

Apparently a mutual friend texted her some not nice stuff about her, one of her co-workers told me she was all upset over some things a mututal friend texted her telling her how awful a person she has been.

Are they wrong?

[kconleyk]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are they wrong?

I want to be there, I want to have no feelings for her, I want to be able to say she was awful and used me, and I am better than her and I am stronger than her but right now I miss her, and miss her body and miss her words so much 

[Mrin]

3 minutes ago, kconleyk said:

I want to be there, I want to have no feelings for her, I want to be able to say she was awful and used me, and I am better than her and I am stronger than her but right now I miss her, and miss her body and miss her words so much 

Dude here. Going to give you a bit of tough love. A few things:

1. Go read up on "limerence". You've got a really bad case of it.

2. You're missing the sex. She had to be pretty great in the sack. My advice to you is take two blondes and call me in the morning.  Seriously, go get freaky with a single hot woman or two (see #5 first though!). 

3. Your ego is bruised. You got the feels - for whatever reason and they got crushed. Brotha - I know what that feels like. Rejection sucks. But.... if it is any consolation, she didn't reject you outright - she rejected the situation. There's a difference. Although, it sounded like you got all needy (I think you recognize this) so it was going to happen eventually regardless of her marital status. 

4. She's not a bad person. Well, not any worse that any married person who cheats. But her rejection of her situation (the affair) actually redeems her in some ways. She dabbled with you, experienced happiness after being in an unhappy marriage for so long, got addicted to it and then managed to shake herself awake (with the help of a friend it sounds like). Don't castigate her for doing the responsible thing and trying to get her head (and marriage) figured out before diving in further with you. Her story is common with people in no-so-happy marriages. She has a TON of stuff to figure out and the last thing she needs to be doing is getting boned by the coach. Sorry.

5. I'm going to fast forward here a bit - you probably have zero chance with her (long term) even if she files for divorce tomorrow. First, this place is littered with stories about when MM or MW finally gets a divorce they don't end up with the AP (you). There are tons of reasons for this that I won't go into except for one - which leads me to my second point - you got all f***ing needy on her. Listen to her words. She was overwhelmed by all your texts and needing to respond right away so you did get your feelings hurt. Dude - that was like a drop kick to the clit. Total turn off. Probably made her think of you as Whiny Husband #2. She's already got one. And a kid or three to take care of. She certainly didn't need it from you. It probably made her feel like she was in a second marriage - gross. And.... when she gets out of Marriage #1 the last thing she is going to want to do is get right back into a big ass relationship where she feels like she has to take care of you and your insecurities. The only hope you have is to just keep up the NC and maybe in a year or two after she's divorced and bagged a few other Bad Ideas she will think fondly of your good times and send you the "heyyyy" text. 

6. Speaking of bagging. Dude, stop nailing the moms of the players on your team. This doesn't sound like the first. Make it the last. You meet a terrific single mom with whom you want to have a real relationship through your coaching? Great - go get her tiger! But casually bagging the single moms of your players? Come on man. You're "That Guy". Don't be That Guy. Go get on Tinder or Bumble and find some fresh meat outside of your immediate coaching circle. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, kconleyk said:

I want to be there, I want to have no feelings for her, I want to be able to say she was awful and used me, and I am better than her and I am stronger than her but right now I miss her, and miss her body and miss her words so much 

My friend, there will be another woman who will say nice words and hold you at night... someone who won’t come with all this baggage and someone you can love AND trust. 

You really need to take some time to understand why you are so desperate for affection, for companionship, that you were willing to accept someone like this into your life. Surely being alone is preferable to all this drama. 

[Bonifidelifelover]

7 hours ago, Mrin said:

Dude here. Going to give you a bit of tough love. A few things:

1. Go read up on "limerence". You've got a really bad case of it.

2. You're missing the sex. She had to be pretty great in the sack. My advice to you is take two blondes and call me in the morning.  Seriously, go get freaky with a single hot woman or two (see #5 first though!). 

3. Your ego is bruised. You got the feels - for whatever reason and they got crushed. Brotha - I know what that feels like. Rejection sucks. But.... if it is any consolation, she didn't reject you outright - she rejected the situation. There's a difference. Although, it sounded like you got all needy (I think you recognize this) so it was going to happen eventually regardless of her marital status. 

4. She's not a bad person. Well, not any worse that any married person who cheats. But her rejection of her situation (the affair) actually redeems her in some ways. She dabbled with you, experienced happiness after being in an unhappy marriage for so long, got addicted to it and then managed to shake herself awake (with the help of a friend it sounds like). Don't castigate her for doing the responsible thing and trying to get her head (and marriage) figured out before diving in further with you. Her story is common with people in no-so-happy marriages. She has a TON of stuff to figure out and the last thing she needs to be doing is getting boned by the coach. Sorry.

5. I'm going to fast forward here a bit - you probably have zero chance with her (long term) even if she files for divorce tomorrow. First, this place is littered with stories about when MM or MW finally gets a divorce they don't end up with the AP (you). There are tons of reasons for this that I won't go into except for one - which leads me to my second point - you got all f***ing needy on her. Listen to her words. She was overwhelmed by all your texts and needing to respond right away so you did get your feelings hurt. Dude - that was like a drop kick to the clit. Total turn off. Probably made her think of you as Whiny Husband #2. She's already got one. And a kid or three to take care of. She certainly didn't need it from you. It probably made her feel like she was in a second marriage - gross. And.... when she gets out of Marriage #1 the last thing she is going to want to do is get right back into a big ass relationship where she feels like she has to take care of you and your insecurities. The only hope you have is to just keep up the NC and maybe in a year or two after she's divorced and bagged a few other Bad Ideas she will think fondly of your good times and send you the "heyyyy" text. 

6. Speaking of bagging. Dude, stop nailing the moms of the players on your team. This doesn't sound like the first. Make it the last. You meet a terrific single mom with whom you want to have a real relationship through your coaching? Great - go get her tiger! But casually bagging the single moms of your players? Come on man. You're "That Guy". Don't be That Guy. Go get on Tinder or Bumble and find some fresh meat outside of your immediate coaching circle. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Listen to this man ^^^ 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, kconleyk said:

I miss her, and miss her body and miss her words so much 

You miss NSA sex and a bunch of pillow talk and lies.

[kconleyk]

15 hours ago, Mrin said:

Dude here. Going to give you a bit of tough love. A few things:

1. Go read up on "limerence". You've got a really bad case of it.

2. You're missing the sex. She had to be pretty great in the sack. My advice to you is take two blondes and call me in the morning.  Seriously, go get freaky with a single hot woman or two (see #5 first though!). 

3. Your ego is bruised. You got the feels - for whatever reason and they got crushed. Brotha - I know what that feels like. Rejection sucks. But.... if it is any consolation, she didn't reject you outright - she rejected the situation. There's a difference. Although, it sounded like you got all needy (I think you recognize this) so it was going to happen eventually regardless of her marital status. 

4. She's not a bad person. Well, not any worse that any married person who cheats. But her rejection of her situation (the affair) actually redeems her in some ways. She dabbled with you, experienced happiness after being in an unhappy marriage for so long, got addicted to it and then managed to shake herself awake (with the help of a friend it sounds like). Don't castigate her for doing the responsible thing and trying to get her head (and marriage) figured out before diving in further with you. Her story is common with people in no-so-happy marriages. She has a TON of stuff to figure out and the last thing she needs to be doing is getting boned by the coach. Sorry.

5. I'm going to fast forward here a bit - you probably have zero chance with her (long term) even if she files for divorce tomorrow. First, this place is littered with stories about when MM or MW finally gets a divorce they don't end up with the AP (you). There are tons of reasons for this that I won't go into except for one - which leads me to my second point - you got all f***ing needy on her. Listen to her words. She was overwhelmed by all your texts and needing to respond right away so you did get your feelings hurt. Dude - that was like a drop kick to the clit. Total turn off. Probably made her think of you as Whiny Husband #2. She's already got one. And a kid or three to take care of. She certainly didn't need it from you. It probably made her feel like she was in a second marriage - gross. And.... when she gets out of Marriage #1 the last thing she is going to want to do is get right back into a big ass relationship where she feels like she has to take care of you and your insecurities. The only hope you have is to just keep up the NC and maybe in a year or two after she's divorced and bagged a few other Bad Ideas she will think fondly of your good times and send you the "heyyyy" text. 

6. Speaking of bagging. Dude, stop nailing the moms of the players on your team. This doesn't sound like the first. Make it the last. You meet a terrific single mom with whom you want to have a real relationship through your coaching? Great - go get her tiger! But casually bagging the single moms of your players? Come on man. You're "That Guy". Don't be That Guy. Go get on Tinder or Bumble and find some fresh meat outside of your immediate coaching circle. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Thanks for your response

I think you nailed most of it, for the record, I do not coach her daughter.  I coach other sports, this is soccer which I don't coach.  I am just another parent at the games, like she is.     In the sports I coach, I have never hooked up with a parent.

The rest I think you nailed.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, kconleyk said:

for the record, I do not coach her daughter.  I coach other sports, this is soccer which I don't coach.  I am just another parent at the games, like she is.     In the sports I coach, I have never hooked up with a parent.

Respectfully, and I’m not sure that it matters. It’s never a good idea to date or have sex with your child’s friend’s mother - not only because she is married, but because if/when the relationship goes sour, your sex life could possibly affect your child in a VERY negative way (case in point, if this becomes known and becomes part of the current gossip, your daughter will make this very clear to you). 

Edited December 11, 2020 by BaileyB

[kconleyk]

So after a week of NC, she reached out over the weekend.   I know I shouldn't allow someone to tell me or control how I feel but it instantly made me feel worthless again.     She reached out about our daughters getting together, then it lead to us chatting, and talking, then she just disappears for 8 hours or the next day after I ask questions.   It is so baffling to me, that she won't talk on the phone to answer questions, but then when I text something she just ignores it.

She gave me the "If you love something set it free, if it is meant to be it will come back, if it isn't it won't" line which is BS to me, I get the concept if you love something, you want them to be happy above your own needs but that is BS in my mind, if you love someone you want to be with them.  If we were talking about my child going to a far away college or local, and I love them, it would make sense to me, it would hurt me but if they wanted the far away college, and it made them happy set them free, but for someone you are in love with I don't.    

Every text she sends, she ends with my feelings ARE true and real, I know how much I care about you and your daughter, or RIGHT NOW I can't follow my feelings or things haven't worked out for us TO THIS POINT.

She doesn't just say things didn't work out, or saying she doesn't want me.   She keeps saying she wants me in her life, and TO THIS POINT things haven't worked out, and that almost makes it even worse.

 

 

[BourneWicked]

Hey two cents... for me I've had to think a lot about why I let myself be in a situation like I was. I am successful, ok looking, generally get male attention. The person I fell for was smart and special... but what ultimately attracted me was that he was wholly unavailable and ultimately couldn't meet my needs. My father was unavailable, so this felt like that first relationship. He is never going to be able to meet my needs, neither will this guy.  

 

This might not be you, but consider if it is. Was there an early relationship where you were not good enough, or not prioritized (either childhood or early romantic)? I believe most people will move on quickly when they realize they're with an unavailable person. But some of us get hung up on feeling not good enough, because it affirms our deepest fears/beliefs. We keep this loop and cycle going because we think it's what we deserve. The crazy highs and lows are great... until they're not, and you realize they are just an awful torturous indefinite limbo. 

 

Again may not apply to you at all, but if it does might be helpful. Good luck to you moving on from this person. I know it feels like love, but in my experience this kind of love feels a lot like pain (and real love should not). 

[kconleyk]

3 minutes ago, BourneWicked said:

Hey two cents... for me I've had to think a lot about why I let myself be in a situation like I was. I am successful, ok looking, generally get male attention. The person I fell for was smart and special... but what ultimately attracted me was that he was wholly unavailable and ultimately couldn't meet my needs. My father was unavailable, so this felt like that first relationship. He is never going to be able to meet my needs, neither will this guy.  

 

This might not be you, but consider if it is. Was there an early relationship where you were not good enough, or not prioritized (either childhood or early romantic)? I believe most people will move on quickly when they realize they're with an unavailable person. But some of us get hung up on feeling not good enough, because it affirms our deepest fears/beliefs. We keep this loop and cycle going because we think it's what we deserve. The crazy highs and lows are great... until they're not, and you realize they are just an awful torturous indefinite limbo. 

 

Again may not apply to you at all, but if it does might be helpful. Good luck to you moving on from this person. I know it feels like love, but in my experience this kind of love feels a lot like pain (and real love should not). 

Thank You for your reply

I have a great relationship with my mom, my dad died when he was 50 (they were married) and she has been my rock through it all, she is my biggest helper when it comes to my helping with my daughter who I have sole custody of and can't do it all sometimes, so I don't think it would be anything from that relationship.

I am a bigger guy, and it's always been an insecurity, even through being very active in sports through high school and college, I stayed heavy.   As an adult I am heavy, but have been told I am amazing eyes, and I am attractive but being heavy I always feel not good enough for the women I find attractive.   Probably a completely other therapy issue, but when friends try and set me up, it's always with people that I don't find attractive.  Not that I a tall thin blonde to be attracted to, I just need some sort of physical attraction, and yes I am aware women say the same about me.

When I was 18 I got my first real girlfriend, I was still in high school, early bday, and she was 16, but one year behind me in school, late bday.     Her parents hated me, they told her constantly I wasn't good enough or good looking enough for her.  It eventually led to us splitting up, so maybe that feeling of worthlessness stems from that.   However I don't remember ever feeling as high as this new woman made me feel from October to Thanksgivingish.

 

[Zona]

No offense, but she is likely a cake eater who enjoys the security of her marriage. You were becoming a loose canon that could blow up her comfy life.

I think that getting involved with a married woman is nuts, but if you are going to do it, respect the fact that she has a husband and children. Don't do anything to put her at risk of exposure. The best you are going to get is some stolen moments here and there because she has other commitments that take priority.

If she ends up falling in love with you, things might be different. We constantly hear about women dumping their husbands for a chance of the LTR with OM. In most cases, the guy has no intention of leaving his marriage. Besides, do you think it is wise to commit to someone who can so easily lie and deceive? This is likely not her first time stepping out.

Edited December 14, 2020 by Zona

[kconleyk]

8 minutes ago, Zona said:

No offense, but she is likely a cake eater who enjoys the security of her marriage. You were becoming a loose canon that could blow up her comfy life.

I think the getting involved with a married woman is nuts, but if you are going to do it, respect the fact that she has a husband and children. Don't do anything to put her at risk of exposure. The best you are going to get is some stolen moments here and there because she has other commitments that take priority.

I agree, and I thought I was getting involved with someone who was seperated and in the process of getting a divorce, not only did a learn well after I fell for her it was anything but that 

[Bonifidelifelover]

We already told u what she’s up to. Why don’t u get it?? She’ll continue to play this Game with u as long as u let it happen. Ur the only one losing in this situation at the moment. Like the above poster says she’s a cake eater. She’s doing the classic push & pull that mostly men do to the other woman. Ur the other woman. Ur sitting at home alone, wondering when she’s going to text or call. While she’s with her husband! This story is classic. Like all The rest, just ur a guy. This position is mostly what women go thru. 

[kconleyk]

7 hours ago, AngelinaCassy said:

We already told u what she’s up to. Why don’t u get it?? She’ll continue to play this Game with u as long as u let it happen. Ur the only one losing in this situation at the moment. Like the above poster says she’s a cake eater. She’s doing the classic push & pull that mostly men do to the other woman. Ur the other woman. Ur sitting at home alone, wondering when she’s going to text or call. While she’s with her husband! This story is classic. Like all The rest, just ur a guy. This position is mostly what women go thru. 

Maybe it's hard to grasp because I am a guy, I just always believe in the good in people, always have.    I said a therapy appointment on Friday to talk through everything, after NC for several days we talked yesterday, and I burnt a lot of bridges, I didn't want to but thought maybe it was the only way to make things stop.

I've just never been one to intentionally hurt someone, and lie to their face and having it done to me is hard to grasp right now.