Author CloudyHead Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 Age wise - I'm 52, he is 50. I appreciate everyone's comments/opinions. I was dumbfounded by his comments, especially since we have not discussed living together. I took his comments as an attack on me and my decisions in life. My interest in him has dropped in light of his comments about me. 3
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 Since your interest has dropped -- as it should have -- over these comments be thankful that he showed you who he is. Now you don't have to waste more time on an incompatible person. It does sound to me like he's insecure about the fact that you have more to show for your life than he does. Your homeownership seems emasculating to him. You don't need an insecure man like that. You also don't need a presumptuous one who is already talking about moving in. Who invited him at this early stage? Finally the claimed inability / unwillingness to commit is another strike against him. So what IS the upside of dating him? 3
pinkpaw Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 2 hours ago, CloudyHead said: Age wise - I'm 52, he is 50. I appreciate everyone's comments/opinions. I was dumbfounded by his comments, especially since we have not discussed living together. I took his comments as an attack on me and my decisions in life. My interest in him has dropped in light of his comments about me. 50!!!! And living at home???? Does this even happen still? Unless he is looking after an infirm relative, there's no excuse that could keep him within the realm of 'attractive' due to this. I'm cringing so much. 1
ShyViolet Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 He's not interested in you, and these are the excuses he came up with. Move on.
SumGuy Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 On 11/10/2020 at 6:07 PM, CloudyHead said: I've been dating a guy for a few months. He's become distant over the past few weeks. Today, I asked him if he was still interested in me. He stated he had not lost interest in me but did not want a committed relationship. He likes being with me and talking with me. But, he said he did want to live in a house with a significant other and not have one nickel in the house, no say so over the household, having to maintain a large yard and expenses. Then he asked "Are we really compatible?" I own my home (mortgage of course), do my own yard work, pay my own expenses and lived in the same house for 13 years. He rents a room in a house and, while he maintains steady work, he changes jobs often. We have not even talked about a future together! Never in dating or having a relationship have I had a man tell me that stability in my life is a reason not to have a relationship with me. Bolded the most important parts. He's getting way ahead of himself...but doing a good job of telegraphing his insecurity and foolishness. IF you ever got to the point of living together THEN these kinds of things can be solved together. Of course, my take is he can't see that because it is not about together, it is about him not having all the "power" in the relationship. Yes, the house is yours, if it didn't work out he doesn't get your house, yes if you lived together there may be expected he help around the house without getting any equity in your home. He is getting to live rent free after all. He's thinking of all this in transactional terms what he gets like this is some kind of business deal. Unless you find his views of relationships attractive, ditch the bozo. You have you life together, he doesn't. Last, but not least, if it was really that he is just a laid back dude (without power and transactional issues), you know like "The Dude" he wouldn't even be sweating this stuff. So you live together, it ends, he's back where started, The Dude don't care. Bozo's do. 2
Author CloudyHead Posted November 12, 2020 Author Posted November 12, 2020 2 hours ago, SumGuy said: Bolded the most important parts. He's getting way ahead of himself...but doing a good job of telegraphing his insecurity and foolishness. IF you ever got to the point of living together THEN these kinds of things can be solved together. Of course, my take is he can't see that because it is not about together, it is about him not having all the "power" in the relationship. Yes, the house is yours, if it didn't work out he doesn't get your house, yes if you lived together there may be expected he help around the house without getting any equity in your home. He is getting to live rent free after all. He's thinking of all this in transactional terms what he gets like this is some kind of business deal. Unless you find his views of relationships attractive, ditch the bozo. You have you life together, he doesn't. Last, but not least, if it was really that he is just a laid back dude (without power and transactional issues), you know like "The Dude" he wouldn't even be sweating this stuff. So you live together, it ends, he's back where started, The Dude don't care. Bozo's do. @SumGuy- Thank you for The Dude reference! I just read a "Sex in the City" thread here and needed The Dude comment to center myself. This guy is definitely not The Dude. 1
dangerous Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 OP, I don't get why the house is the issue. You have only been dating a few months. Has he asked to move in, or did you bring the subject up? talking about moving in together so soon, is a ref flag, whichever side it comes from!
Author CloudyHead Posted November 12, 2020 Author Posted November 12, 2020 22 minutes ago, dangerous said: OP, I don't get why the house is the issue. You have only been dating a few months. Has he asked to move in, or did you bring the subject up? talking about moving in together so soon, is a ref flag, whichever side it comes from! We have not had any discussions about living together.
Author CloudyHead Posted November 16, 2020 Author Posted November 16, 2020 I sent a text to the guy that I no longer was pursuing a relationship with him. He responded that he wanted to be friends. I did not respond. Hours later he called me to tell me that his life plan is to find land, build a house and buy a $10K fishing boat over the next 15 years so that he will be debt free and retired at age 65. He does not want to wake up after age 65 and worry about going to work. I told him "good luck with that plan". He also said that he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Today, he sent me a "good morning" text and that he was excited to play golf this morning. Luckily I have not heard from him since that text. 2
Miss Spider Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 4 minutes ago, CloudyHead said: "good luck with that plan". Haha , good job. You did the right thing by ending it with him
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 5 minutes ago, CloudyHead said: Today, he sent me a "good morning" text and that he was excited to play golf this morning. Why would he do that?? That seems odd. 1
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 8 minutes ago, CloudyHead said: Hours later he called me to tell me that his life plan is to find land, build a house and buy a $10K fishing boat over the next 15 years so that he will be debt free and retired at age 65. 2 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Haha , good job. You did the right thing by ending it with him Yep... another "pie in the sky" dreamer without a plan actually based in reality. 1 1
Chilli Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 On 11/12/2020 at 1:34 AM, CloudyHead said: Age wise - I'm 52, he is 50. I appreciate everyone's comments/opinions. I was dumbfounded by his comments, especially since we have not discussed living together. I took his comments as an attack on me and my decisions in life. My interest in him has dropped in light of his comments about me. From what l can gather nah don't think it was attacking at all he's just being upfront early in bc your all established and he doesn't care about being established atm. And if he did then he'd wanna be an owner to not just sharing. He says he'd love to be seeing you and being together , just not the rest. He just wants it light and breasy , at least he's been upfront. Who knows where he's been in life before he might be thoroughly enjoying living commitment free right now, sounds like it. So if you want more he ain't the man for you but he's basically told you that so, up to you. 1
poppyfields Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: >>"Today, he sent me a "good morning" text and that he was excited to play golf this morning."<< Why would he do that?? That seems odd. Rubbing her nose in the fact he has an easy carefree lifestyle and she has responsibilities like most adults which repulse him cause he's a boy in a 50 year old man's body. Good riddance and block! Edited November 16, 2020 by poppyfields 1
SumGuy Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 13 hours ago, CloudyHead said: I sent a text to the guy that I no longer was pursuing a relationship with him. He responded that he wanted to be friends. I did not respond. Hours later he called me to tell me that his life plan is to find land, build a house and buy a $10K fishing boat over the next 15 years so that he will be debt free and retired at age 65. He does not want to wake up after age 65 and worry about going to work. I told him "good luck with that plan". He also said that he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Today, he sent me a "good morning" text and that he was excited to play golf this morning. Luckily I have not heard from him since that text. Not so much a plan as a dream. I'm glad he said that as most people have the dream of couch surfing and working a grueling retail job after age 65; confusion dispelled! 1
Fletch Lives Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 he wants sex but not a relationship. We call those guys players
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Rubbing her nose in the fact he has an easy carefree lifestyle and she has responsibilities like most adults which repulse him cause he's a boy in a 50 year old man's body. You are probably right, just seems overly childish for a 50 year old man to do that. At 50, you'd think he was mature enough to just say "Good bye and good luck with your search" When I got dumped I never cared to contact the woman again. If she changed her mind, called me and if I wanted to see her, I'd return the call, but otherwise I considered the matter closed. I would delete her number from my phone, so I didn't pocket dial or drunk dial her, but I wouldn't block the number.
poppyfields Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: You are probably right, just seems overly childish for a 50 year old man to do that. Agree, but is it any surprise? Kinda fits with his "boy" mentality. I mean flitting around from job to job, living at home with mom? He's 50! Unless he's caring for her or something, which it doesn't sound like since he told OP he "wants to do what he wants when he wants." His comment reminds me of grammar school when a boy skipped class- "nah nah, I get the day off while you still have to go to school"!! Edited November 16, 2020 by poppyfields
Happy Lemming Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 10 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I mean flitting around from job to job, living at home with mom? I thought he was renting a room (in someone's house), he is living at home with his mother?? 1
poppyfields Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I thought he was renting a room (in someone's house), he is living at home with his mother?? I just re-read, I stand corrected. Not living with mom, he rents a room, my bad.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 I'm glad to hear you're moving on. I think you can do much better.
Chilli Posted November 16, 2020 Posted November 16, 2020 (edited) Yeah of course if that's what you want then he ain't the man, but he's been honest . Plenty of women wanna be care free in 50s , don't even want relationships they've had enough of the bs too.We know nothing about him maybe his had the other life divorced got cleaned out and thinking to hell with that, or maybe he's 50s and never had 2 pennies , we don't know. A lot of pensioners are selling up here last few yrs buy vans and live on the road instead, so what they love it after a life of the other life, good luck to em.. Edited November 16, 2020 by Chilli
boymommy Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 To me thats a control issue..and he has a lot of b.s. excuses as well. But it sounds like more a control issue. He doesn't want to live in YOUR house because of the WORK? What is he 16? Sounds like he is a man child and has some growing up to do. Find yourself an adult man who has his priorities in check and more in line with your's. Also congratulations on owning your own home! I bought my own house (as a single mother of 2 kids) 6 months ago and it is so rewarding! 3
Emerald_11 Posted November 18, 2020 Posted November 18, 2020 He is not willing to step up his game to create a life for himself that would make sense alongside your life. He is doing you a favor by telling you this. He is saying he is not brave enough or motivated to do anything more because it is outside of his comfort zone. I had a guy tell me that he was not good enough for me before. It made me sad to hear him say that but I understand and respect his choice. He still thought he could video chat me all the time so I blocked him on that app because he was distracting me. Now we are still friends and he just can text me which is only every once in a while. We are still on social media together but never interact much on there. I think that strong independent women intimidate men sometimes without even doing anything wrong. I have been given good advice- to stop falling in love with potential. Just because you see something amazing in a person and believe in them doesn't mean that they do. This is a case of it it not you it is him! 2
Author CloudyHead Posted November 23, 2020 Author Posted November 23, 2020 For a guy who told me that we are not compatible, he continues to text me daily. Always a "good morning" text to which I respond "good morning". Usually a text early evening asking if I am still working or a good night text to which I respond either "yes", "no" or "goodnight". I do not initiate any contact with him. I do not understand the daily reaching out. It has turned into a science experiment to me, i.e. how long will he continue to text?
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