girlnextdoor2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) Met this guy on OLD, he said he is looking for love and have his life all sorted and great and would like to find a great love. I am basically in the same place so though that is a good place to start. We started texting and he called me and we spoke on the phone and he said he was really keen to meet me. So yesterday he drove to where I live and we had a nice coffee and conversation was easy, it was fun and open. Then he called me later on and said he had no idea how I felt about him during the date, because he thinks I am open in other areas but closed off in this one. I told him I really enjoyed meeting him, felt comfortable, it was fun, etc. He said he feels the same and would like to repeat, to which I responded me too. I also told him that I am slow and need time to know the other person before I open up more emotionally. He said he is very fast in this kind of things... Then he said that for him things need to be equal effort, as in planning to meet, sending messages, etc. And that's my question. I'm not sure if we are compatible. For example, he said he doesn't like to plan things in advance such as dinner at 8pm on Friday, or anything else. He likes to just be spontaneous and let's meet now or in the next hour, etc. Although I like that from time to time, I prefer that when I am in a relationship. In these very early stages I like to plan things in advance and especially I like the man to do the planning. For example, when he said he would like to repeat and I said me too, it would have been nice if he now invites me for dinner and plan it in a nice restaurant for the weekend. But I guess he is waiting for me to do it, which makes me confused at this very early stage. Also, he said he was married twice and has 3 kids from different women and that together with him saying he jumps quite fast, makes me think twice about him. Last but not least, he said he is looking to buy a house, but he is living with his mom at the moment. This came as a surprise to me, as he said he makes really good money from his job and he also said he's got all his life sorted. I don't think that living with his mom is "having life sorted". He was sending me good morning messages every day and today he didn't sent anything. I guess he was expecting me to jump as fast as he likes and because I am not like that, he is backing off. Any advice? Thank you. Edited November 10, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020
Maldives Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Sounds like your having some doubts about him already not a good sign. See if that feeling changes if not maybe let him go ...doesn't sound like your sure you wanna take this further 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 "Looking for love" means something different for you than whatever type of men you are meeting. Get off the free hookup apps. Every guy on there has learned to use the "looking for a relationship" line. Skip all the heavy duty chitchat like this. You're trying to get into relationship talks with some random guy you had coffee with. Next time use your energy to observe, not micromanage.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Skip all the heavy duty chitchat like this. You're trying to get into relationship talks with some random guy you had coffee with. Next time use your energy to observe, not micromanage. Not sure what this all means, but ok.
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 21 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: Sounds like your having some doubts about him already not a good sign. See if that feeling changes if not maybe let him go ...doesn't sound like your sure you wanna take this further I did want to take things further, but I feel he is making pressure for me to go at a faster pace and I don't like that. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) It means get on better apps, use better screening criteria and simply observe during a coffee meet to gather enough information and feel for things to decide if you want to date again. In this case you were turned off by his fast pace remarks so you end it and move on. Edited November 10, 2020 by Wiseman2
Calmandfocused Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Op, be careful with this one. He’s trying to love bomb you! Because you’re not receptive to his 100 mile an hour relationship advances, he’s got the hump! Wanting a “instant relationship” , and bigging themselves up, without the evidence to back this up is very typical of narcissism. Also take note of the fact that he wants to progress the relationship his way or no way. As someone who has a lot of experience with this personality type, my advice is to proceed with extreme caution and pay heed to these red flags. I think he’ll stop pursuing you when he realises that you’re not going to do exactly what he wants. That’s good news for you. 1
Chilli Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 You actually sound quite different in a lot of ways really, dunno if he's the right man tbh it does sound like your guts running true on this but still , nothing that another date or two won't clear up for you if your game to be sure. As for him married twice 3 different kids and still likes to rush in , man , some people never learn, sorry.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 1 hour ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: And that's my question. I'm not sure if we are compatible. For example, he said he doesn't like to plan things in advance such as dinner at 8pm on Friday, or anything else. He likes to just be spontaneous and let's meet now or in the next hour, etc. Yeah, good luck finding many women who can be that spontaneous, dude. OP, I also see a number of red flags with this man. He's too intense, and doesn't appear to have his life together the way he thinks he does. For me anyway, I wouldn't be interested in a second date. 2
Mystery4me Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Married twice, 3 kids with 3 different women? As soon as you found that out, should have been your time to drop him. Why would you want to be with someone with that much baggage who clearly can't think long term only short term? 1
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: he said he doesn't like to plan things in advance such as dinner at 8pm on Friday, or anything else. He likes to just be spontaneous and let's meet now or in the next hour, etc. That is often the MO of married/attached guys. Are you sure it is his Mom he lives with? Edited November 10, 2020 by elaine567 t 4
Fletch Lives Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 I does not sound like you are too into this guy. Why not date someone you really like?
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Living with mom in a pandemic isn't terrible. They both probably weren't lonely so that's no so bad. All in all he can't commit -- 2 failed marriages & the inability to even plan ahead for dinner. He likes falling in love & the dizziness of the newness but he won't do the work to sustain a relationship. Don't waste your time. 3
poppyfields Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: I also told him that I am slow and need time to know the other person before I open up more emotionally. He said he is very fast in this kind of things.. No need to overthink this, guy is pushing for sex, plain and simple. I agree with others that he may be married or living with someone. I'd take a pass based on what's quoted^, but your call. Choose wisely from the get-go and avoid disappointment or heartbreak later. 3
CLS63AMG Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 "Lets meet now or in the next hour" = married. "Living with mom (you cant come over)" = married. 5
SumGuy Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: .... Any advice? Thank you. Don't follow up with him. You dodged a bullet here. Even assuming he is not lying about his mom and love of spontaneity (a big assumption)........unless he is taking care of his mom, like she needs his help in day to day life, living with his mom while looking for a house is not really having his life together and making good money in my book. I make/made good money...you rent a place, get a storage unit, it's no big deal. Also how long has he been looking? Most places in the US are a complete buyers market with interest rates and prices very low, and a person with a good job (and a good credit score as that is part of having your life together) is like a superstar to mortgage lenders these days. I would also wonder how much of a momma's boy mentality he has, him appearing to put so much of the planning effort on you up front seems to be the kind of thing a momma's boy does...they can't even see how this is asking other grown adults to take care of them. You two are far, far from the place where he could reasonably wonder if you are using him for free meals. If that isn't enough, clearly at one point he did not have his life together, 2 marriages, 3 kids by 3 different women...is not together and shows a whole lot of not having it together for some time. What changed to make him now magically to have it together? He really is not what he thinks he is, even if he can be fun on a first date. This is kind of how you find out these things, his actions are showing he is not together and not very fun. Realize what you are seeing is his best foot forward from his self professed being emotionally in to you. Yikes! Imagine what he might be like if he ever got bored or thought he didn't have to try in the relationship. Edited November 10, 2020 by SumGuy 1
ThereSheGoes Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Like Calmandfocused said, he's love bombing you, girl. He's in love with the feeling of being in love. He's pressuring you to fast forward the relationship, when you just had COFFEE. No. Don't let him push you to do something you don't want to do. Even though I don't think living at home with your mother is a negative (Not in 2020. There could be all types of reasons why they could be living together, other than/including that he's lying about his financial security) the fact that he has two ex wives, three kids, and two baby momma's, should be a bigger red flag. This means, he makes horrible life choices and he sucks at relationships. Gee, I wonder why. Girl. Run. Leave that man alone. He has enough on his plate, and you don't want any of it. (Also, if he has three kids and two ex wives, thats probably why he's living at home. Child support and maintenance payments really do eat up a pay check) 1
Miss Spider Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) “Spontaneity”= back up option Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 4
ThereSheGoes Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Just now, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Spontaneity = back up option Oooh! Never thought about that. I've had guys who always wanted to pop up randomly, and they called it 'fun'. I called it annoying. Good theory, Short!
ShyViolet Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 There are red flags everywhere with this one! Three children by three different women? Lives with his mom, yet telling you that he "makes really good money" and is buying a house? Somehow that sounds like he might be lying. Telling you that you seem "closed off" after only the first date? Something about this guy sounds really off.
Watercolors Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Yikes. This guy sounds like a serious renovation project. He is definitely love bombing you too. 59 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: There are red flags everywhere with this one! Three children by three different women? Lives with his mom, yet telling you that he "makes really good money" and is buying a house? Somehow that sounds like he might be lying. Telling you that you seem "closed off" after only the first date? Something about this guy sounds really off. Seriously, girlnextdoor2020, why would you even give this guy a second date. Let alone a first date. If you want to take on all that baggage of his as your own, see him again. But if you prefer to be with a guy who is truly single without any baggage, this is not that type of guy.
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 You got me at "He's been married twice.." run forest run! 1
Miss Spider Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Three children, two ex-wives, and lives in his moms basement. Why are you even entertaining this if you are looking for something serious, Op? 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Three children, two ex-wives, and lives in his moms basement. Why are you even entertaining this if you are looking for something serious, Op? Very good points everyone, thank you, especially this one! I decided to delete this guy's number and not entertain anything else anymore. He also said to me that as soon as he sees something in the other person he doesn't like he immediately moves on. I am aware of the narcissistic cycle of love bombing/discard, and this seems the way he is. Moving on myself. Edited November 10, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020 1 1
Author girlnextdoor2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 1 minute ago, girlnextdoor2020 said: Very good points everyone, thank you, especially this one! I decided to delete this guy's number and not entertain anything else anymore. He also said to me that as soon as he sees something in the other person he doesn't like he immediately moves on. I am aware of the narcissistic cycle of love bombing/discard, and this seems the way he is. Moving on myself. Edited November 10, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020
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