AmIcrazy Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 AmIcrazy? I won't lie I had a fleeting moment of doubt..if I hadn't picked through those lines I would have just thought as in the past..he's really trying. Being able to look back and analyze your own past behavior is a HUGE sign of growth. Wonderful. Part me is thinking how did I go from one month ago being in a fetal position crying over him and now I'm seeing what a mentally warped person he is. This shows how far you've come in one month. Pretty amazing, huh? Thought you would die a month ago. Today, you are using your head, but still have a compassionate heart -- just not letting it rule the day with this chump. I have actually started to say a prayer for my N because deep down inside I think he is a scared little boy - but acts to brave to the rest of the world. I am happy to share this with you guys out there as proof evidence that 99% of the time these people who we are twisting ourselves over are illusions we craeted. The curtain falls down and look what is behind it. A COMPLETE FAKE. This is the scariest part of the whole process for me. Why did I create that illusion? Was was/is missing in my life that would let me do that to myself? Do you think this about yourself? If so, what conclusions have you drawn, if any?
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Everyday I reflect on the why of my behavior in that relationship. Why did I create an illusion. My answer: Because I was escaping ME. I felt lonely. I was determined to attach myself and focus on making him want me back. Therefore I lost all rational thinking about who and what I clinging to. By holding on to him (and the illusion I built around him) it would take my awarenss off just how much I feared being loneliness. (NOTE I did not say being alone. There's a big difference.) I turned a blind eye to the quality of this N, in order to justify his personality type. I gave my identity over to him by obsessing and determine to win his love. It just occured to me, that the person my N is writing is not the same he dealt with so in his mind I am still the unaware person who desparately made him everything. I don't say the residue is completely gone, it's just the more I shine the light of me and how I had distorted thinking it is easy to see through his B.S. The difference he was not so fortunate to have gone through an experience of loss and take time to really look at his own actions. In order for him to exist he needs someone who is will to buy B.S. And judging by these threads and the accounts of others there are many people who fall prey to these types. The mind is powerful. I'm an actress, and we actors do nothing but use our imagination and it's real to us. And that's a technique we cultivate. The average person does it as well, they just don't realize they are willingly playing parts that our fantasy world has built up. And you better believe it, that once you convince yourself that something is true, it's going to be pretty damn hard to think otherwise it's not. Espcially when your heart is invested in this fantasy.
AmIcrazy Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Couple of more questions: 1. How old are you? 2. How old is your N? 3. How long were you two together? 4. Who ended it? 5. Is that a picture of your kitty?
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 1 -2. Think demi moore and ashton kutcher...she started a trend! 3. 2 years 4. If I was in a fetal position ..take a guess. 5. no...it's my headshot!
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 if I did not know any better I would think that kelly clarksons song"becasue of you" was about N's! I know it about her mother tho...or someones mother. I have to say that I cry everytime I hear it! Reading all the posts today, I feel better knowing I was not the only one who made up a fantasy man/relationship. It hurts when the truth surfaces, but the great thing is we are all helping each other through this and can relate to each other and I thank you all for that. My friends do not understand how hard it is to deal with people like this. THey think you can just let them go so easily. I built up my ex so much and made him out to be great and sadly I see that it was all in my head. I wish I could tear him down as much as I built him up. He is pretty predictable, so I expect that i will finally get the chance to give HIM the silent treatment. Happy Friday!
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 just read an old email from 3 yrs ago and he was so charming and sweet. this does not even sound he he wrote this! No wonder I fell so fast...he said all the right things! And I fell for them/I cannot believe all this sweet stuff he wrote. Funny, i recall showing my friends and telling them I loooooved him and they were like...this email is kinda creepy....you have not known him that long. He asked me to spend the rest of his life with him and he could not breathe with out me and I cannot believe these words came out of his mouth! what a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 My friends do not understand how hard it is to deal with people like this. THey think you can just let them go so easily. No one thinks that something tragic can happen to them. I mean unless you are truly a paranoid person that's the exception to the rule. No one plans to go into a fun-loving relationship and expect it to change before their eyes. Which leads me to say, we all want love and the fantasy of a beautiful relationship. The world can be a trying at times. Its natural to seek companionship with someone. But sometimes the DESIRE to want something so much is so strong that we force something in our minds and believe and believe and refuse to see the truth.. that a bad relationship is wrong for us. We are really on our own healing. There are plenty of books which I have relied on, but when I'm away from LS I pretty much have to rebuild myself on my own. Accept the stage of awareness you have about that realtionship and build yourself up...and his facade will fall before your eyes.
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 See this is where the NC rubber meets the road...His abandonment issues are kicking in and he feels you slipping away. So this is where your resolve will be tested......It must be flattering to get an email like that but see it for what it is, a selfish act to keep you on a leash. This is crunch time IS. how is this going to make me stronger...this is really hard..I suppose there's no point in letting him know how immature his e-mail was.huh? I guess by doing that he'll just get the pleasure he annoyed me with his diatribe. I've never actually done this with anyone before.
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 do not give him any of your time....think of all he has done to you! If yourespond (even to tell him he is a jerk), it is attn and that is what N's loooove.
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 beth you are right. I just needed to know I have support out there. You are so right. He has disrespected so many times and even in that crap he sent me. And for the life of me, what's his point. He dumped me. He wanted to end the relationship why's he so eager for me to know his social status. The nerve of that jerk, telling me about his friends as if I would care what they think? Why aren't they enough to feed his ego? Why doesn't he play narcissistic games with them? I'm so aggrivated that even to this day he's disrepectful towards me. How idiotic is he?
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 he will be like that with anyone else. Maybe not at first, but he will. He is not done with you though....in his head...he has to win you ....then if he is like my ex, he will run away after he knows he could still get you.That is why you have to stay strong and not reply. really -what good would come out of talking to him? No one on LS will LET you go back-lol
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 can you see my doggy??? He is a life saver!!!! At least one man in my life makes me smile!!!!!!
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 he will be like that with anyone else. Maybe not at first, but he will. He is not done with you though....in his head...he has to win you ....then if he is like my ex, he will run away after he knows he could still get you.That is why you have to stay strong and not reply. really -what good would come out of talking to him? No one on LS will LET you go back-lol I wish I could give you hug. You guys are the only barrier I have right now to resist the temptation of replying. I suppose you are right I can't have been the first person he's behave this way towards...actually I know he's done this before. But I never realized it was behavior of narcissism. To think the only thing I've ever showed him was kindness and love and all I got was lack of respect. That's what makes my blood boil...how can he be so devoid of sensitivity. The weekends are harder to handle this b.s. I'm just angry-crying. You know what I mean?
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Oh I know honey...I am angry and crying too! Void of emotions is a classic N identifier.....usually you would probably be the one to chase him and ask what is wrong and you are not and he is baffled! What helped me was to write a fake email to him and NOT send it. It got my thoughts out of my head and onto paper.
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 you know what, even if I ever had the opportunity to tell him how what I thought of him his immature e-mails and is basic personality, he would not let it penetrate him. He'd not listen and would sat I was a "psycho". My words would fall on deaf ears. Cute avatar pic!! One day if all the Love Shackers got together we'd have to wear name tags with our avatars in place of our names...to recognize one another!
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Cute avatar pic!! One day if all the Love Shackers got together we'd have to wear name tags with our avatars in place of our names...to recognize one another! lol---that would be fun!!!! My ex always told me I was "crazy". Anything I wanted to talk about, I was "crazy" and we were "fine" and had no problems.
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 I don't know why I feel so pissed off. Maybe its childish on my part but I wish karma would come around and knock him for a loop. We isn't he tormented about anything. Why does he get away with being hurtful? And by not having a conscious he gets away with never having to analyze or feel any responsibility for being so thoughtless. why is that those of us who experienced being with narcissistic types have to suffer the consequences and go through hell to get better and they get a free pass to just keep inflicting emotional blackmail nonstop. Why is it our fault that we got hurt by them, because we wanted love? because we trusted? why do I feel like I let it happen? that I'm to blame?
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 See you broke NC...You read that email like it was from Bid Laden and you were looking for clues. This forced your mind to go over and over your relationship like it was yesterday, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. You are reliving it in your mind and that is bringing up a lot of emotions. It doesn't' matter if you reply, although that still could make things worse This is why I counseled to block emails or to delete them ASAP without even reading them. That was not cavalier on my part. It is to help folks with addictions to people get over the objects of their addictions. NC means NO CONTACT and you unfortunately subjected yourself to a very large amount of it by reading the manipulative email that he sent. In sync I respect what you are going through. I have been going through something similar. But this is serious serious business here. We have to decide for OURSELVES that we don't want to PLAY anymore. NC is about OUR healing. Taking personal responsibility for healing is not easy to do for many of us still. I can tell you that some people CAN"T do it and they do get sucked back in. Usually those turn in to horror stories when they are told, often years later after the fall. regards
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 but I didn't reply...the urge was strong and I didn't.... I do have a question, I know its silly to ask and don't jump to conclusion I'm not looking for an excuse but objectively speaking do you think that he wrote it to be manipulative or could I be projecting that. and it's me being overreactive to anything he ould send. I'm not making sense I'm not as pissed as I was yesterday night...I'm noticing I'm sighing alot though.
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 I don't know him but you refer to him as an N...I do know that these are very disordered people..an ILLNESS a personality disorder. That's something you want NO part of on any intimate basis or even friendly basis I have learned. So the evidence suggests that this is nothing but a manipulative email to suck you back into being THERE for him. Its called a hoover. See you fill a need for him. He doesn't want you as a lover, but he NEEDS you for validation and to know that there is this woman out there who can't let go of him. In fact I bet he tells his friends that there is this woman out there who just can't seem to let him go. You've recognized what he is. Now, the LEAP is to make the DECISION that you no longer believe having him in your life adds value to your life and that continuing to PLAY with him will put your life either on hold or in a real mess, and it can get far far messier. Playing around with this email was very very dangerous because it brought you right back to the MOMENT of the relationship and the good things about it. Its more than just talking the talk. You now must walk the walk and back up the words with action that will get you through this. regards
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 Ns are dangerous and not to be messed around with. They are a direct theat to all the good you plan to do in your life and will mess it up if you continue to dance with them. So all this tension is a result from reading that e-mail? This week I was on a roll, got two parts in separate plays, one a major role..and now here I am again not being able to sleep well tossing and turning because all that's running through my head are the horrid times I had with him. This really sucks. bendit, its like you knew like clockwork how this would all go play out.
bendit Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 YES!! That is why you feel off balance. I got a little birthday hoover at the end of September. Deleted it and didn't think much about it. But you really can't stop thinking about it because it brings back memories. And thats what gets us. The constant thinking about the relationships and what happened and what you didn't do right and what if what if? That's why I say this is like going off NC because it is contact and it turned out to be heavy contact. Think. You didn't respond but I know you constructed many many responses in your mind. The only thing you didn't do was hit the enter key and send. See if you don't let go of this dysfunction, you won't ever figure out what makes you seek out people like this. I suspect on one level you were very validated by him being younger and how that looked to the outside world. That's ego driven superficiality. And you know what, a lot of men get sucked into relationships by much younger women (mine was 13 years younger) and they generally turn out to be awful devastating relationships for the men who were validated on a superficial level by someone much younger and beautiful. So as you pull yourself through this, look at the reasons why this happened and be very very honest with yourself so you can get maximum benefit from having gone through this. regards
Author In Sync Posted October 22, 2005 Author Posted October 22, 2005 You didn't respond but I know you constructed many many responses in your mind. The only thing you didn't do was hit the enter key and send. ok, yeah. that was me. an N...I do know that these are very disordered people..an ILLNESS a personality disorder. That's something you want NO part of on any intimate basis or even friendly basis I have learned. If one thing I know for sure in my bones he is a N. That I've no doubt. And aside from the thrill of him being younger, which really wasn't a big deal it became dependant on him because I was more closed off from people. He really became a confidant, someone I opened myself up to freely...or at as much as I could with anyone at that time. I had no best friend female or male, so it was my need for companionship and that's why I clung so dearly desparately to be with him. And he was aware of that, that I had no other close friends. So I was trying to fill two needs friend and lover. I know all of that as why I got involved with the N, BUT what good is it doing me now..to know that. It doesn't stop the pain of hurting. I know why and yes it's its my fault!!! yes yes yes...but what good does knowing that do me now?!!!??? I'm tired of hurting and I'm tired of crying and I just keep falling down at this.I keep pulling myself through episode after episode and I can't do it anymore.
smile95 Posted October 22, 2005 Posted October 22, 2005 Yes, just reading the mail threw you off. I am speaking from experience. I would be going laong so well and feeling like me again and finally being ok alone and NAM...a text, a call, an email....no matter WHAT it said, it still messed with my head. All the ehat if's came. What id he is different,what if he loves me, what if he misses me.....bottom line....LEARN FROM ME -I gave in and after, I always was back to square one after he knew he had me, he would stop being mr charming again and I would kick myself EVERY time!!!!
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