bendit Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 Beth I guarantee that if you strictly follow NC it works. Btw, I hope you are counting the days! 45 for me. Days turn into weeks, weeks into months and....well by then there may be a new Mr. Right out there! regards
smile95 Posted October 16, 2005 Posted October 16, 2005 thanks! I hi-light every day at work and soon I hope I do not even care to mess with all that or maybe one day I will not even keep track! Good luck to you and Insync! We can all do this!
Author In Sync Posted October 16, 2005 Author Posted October 16, 2005 Moment by moment I gain some insight to myself in regards to coping...the reason I was reluctant and broke NC even before this last e-mail back in the early stage of our break-up in April, was I did not see it as a change in my own personal perception of me. NC is not just a simple tool.. it's about regaining self respect and dignity I lost in the interum of the relationship. I understood the principle intellectually, but "THE HITS" were throwing my self respect to te wind again. I guess at the core of NC is the question to oneself "HOW MUCH DO I CARE ABOUT MY DIGNITY?" Responding to e-mails and text messages or any other means of contact with a person who showed me so little is not being kind hearted or forgiving (as I had thought). It's a form of self hatred. I don't think this is being overly dramatic when I say this. Beth you love yourself more than that guy. And I love myself more than my ex. This has been a monumental lesson that I probably needed to learn. It's my time to learn it not continue down the path of ignorance.
Author In Sync Posted October 18, 2005 Author Posted October 18, 2005 Ok. I received another e-mail this morning. And I have not responded to it. This is a big change for me, because I have never not answered one of his e-mails right away. I have to keep telling myself his droppings are not about me...it's all about him. That and all the stuff we've discussed is sinking in. If I can get through this I'm so much more capable than I gave myself credit for.
smile95 Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 be prepared for the "Ok I will leave you alone, you must not want me in your life" email from him when you do not respond....mark my word.....this kills him that you have not responded. DO NOT! It is all in his game. He needs a fix. Make him wonder about YOU!
Author In Sync Posted October 19, 2005 Author Posted October 19, 2005 I haven't responded to his lastest e-mail. I have an extrememly strong urge to to, but I don't have to satisfy it. What is that urge guys...I mean I know it's utterly dumb to think whatever I'd write back to him would matter. In fact I really don't have much to say to it anyway, it was rather benign again...he writes how he got caught in the rain and his throat is sore..Duh? No words like how are you or what are you up to, just about him. My automatic response was to wish him well and offer sympathy. And the thought of that seems ludicrous considering the idea of the hurt he's dished on me that I should be sympathetic to him catching a cold. The narcissist are really just about themselves..aren't they.
bendit Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 plain and simple what you are feeling is withdrawal from the symptons of your attachment and your conditioning...your mind is now in enough control that it can impartially observe what is going on here and you can be calm enough to make the right decision..and so far so good. Be very careful of the narcissist (dangerous) and be aware of YOUR OWN role in this dance of dysfunction that is the relationship with the n person. They can't damage you without your cooperation. Its imperative to get at the root causes of why we go there. For me the root cause was selfishness, as it always in when human suffering is involved...I got completely off track in my life due to my own selfishness..for personal sense pleasure, for attention, adoration..the list goes on.. Remember that each time you resist "playing" you grow stronger and become more self reliant and confident. Focus on where the puck is going, not where it is now..(the PUCK is your life). regards
bendit Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 btw, if you you're able to resist this hoover, then you may trigger some panic in your ex and then the test for you may really start in earnest. That's why this is such a dangerous time because you are still vulnerable emotionally. You're at a point where you can resist these innocuous emails but more diligent efforts like him phoning or him knocking on your door may not be so easy to deflect. Be on guard and be prepared for anything. And KNOW, deep down, what you really want because if you still think you want him, your NC would be crushed with any serious attempt by him at contact. And when NC goes your personal power to get through this is up in smoke. regards
smile95 Posted October 19, 2005 Posted October 19, 2005 right on bendit! They will try harder once you do not respond. Also, see how hetalked about himself in the email???Hesounds like he is acting like nothing has happened between you guys? I hate N's!!!!!!!!!
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Ok Gangs, Wanna hear something weird, I created a new thread on my ephiphany about NC, quite brilliant...I encourage you to read it. I had a clearing of the mind in fully understanding what it truly means. As I was writing my thoughts, and getting ready to attend a party...which I am making extreme efforts to look hot...I receive another e-mail. From the you got it, the ex. Not only was it an e-mail it was the longest e-mail I have in two years on knowing him ever received. I barely skimmed through it...because I have to admit..I felt embarassed for him. Gotta go to the party and have a good time. The Infinite Universe always comes full circle.
bendit Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 See this is where the NC rubber meets the road...His abandonment issues are kicking in and he feels you slipping away. So this is where your resolve will be tested. Keep in mind if he actually is a disordered person you really have to RUN as fast as you can away from him and eliminate yourself as a potential source of supply. Ns are dangerous and not to be messed around with. They are a direct theat to all the good you plan to do in your life and will mess it up if you continue to dance with them. I have read about the damage they can cause over many many years to people who can't break the chains that tie them together. It must be flattering to get an email like that but see it for what it is, a selfish act to keep you on a leash. This is crunch time IS. regards
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 it is not unlikley that he will turn into this sweet man who you always wanted. My ex does this all the time and usually I fall and that is where I mess up. Take pleasure in the control he has given you. Please do notreply to him. I know you are really vulnerable now, but this test is so important.
bendit Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Beth you make a good point about the content of the email. The pros who counsel about breaking up with these folks say DO NOT even read the email because of exactly what you said. It can lure you back in. They advise blocking all emails or deleting Any correspondence before opening it. Its a safety precaution and is advisable for anyone struggling with NC. regards
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 beth5201 bendit and all others who happen to read this- I did read his e-mail. But what struck me was one sentence I missed when I quickly scanned it last night Anyway, I hope you didnt write again since I dropped you that short line cause if you did I missed it again. Im sorry if you did. I thought I had this thing fixed. If you didnt, then thats not a problem, in that case I just gotta find out why you are not writing to me! The main bulk was a description of his life, school..he likes to describe his successes and how he's receiving compliments. If it were a genuine friend those things great to hear but from him in my gut I'm feeling (queasy) he's still obsessed with having to be on top. more blah blah stuff about him him him and finally at the tippy tip end again If you wrote before, im sorry. If you didnt, you dont have any excuse now! Whats going on... ? Here sitting I'm thinking to myself was this not the same guy who not just yelled but would fly into a rage whenever I use to ask him to write me and then he'd accuse me of wanting sooo much from him...like e-mail which he was too busy to write. I got a good chuckle because he's so into himself he actually thinks that I wrote to him but that by some e-mail error it never got to him. When you stand back from this and watch this and not become emotionlly attached it is like watching the mind of a crazy person at work. No wonder a person can't get out of the entanglement when involved with these types.
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 I appluad you if you did not respond....what a jerk. all about him and how dare you not respond...there must be something wrong with his computer if you did not write back he feels!!!!! Did he ask about you at all??? What are you going to do? Reminds me of once my ex told me in a mail"We can be friends, if you just chill and not want so much". So basically he is doing me a favor of "letting" me be a friend. Yours is all about him! Now he has time to email becasue you are not feeding the ego anymore.
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 Did he ask about you at all??? What are you going to do? That last line was a veiled questioned but I gather that is more asking why haven't I jumped at his bones. It gave him pleasure to have someone, me...be so available to his childish and immature ways. Until he finds another victim he's probably itching for fix. He's addicted to the role of I give you attention and take it away. Instead of me saying outright I'm not going to contact him I'm taking sections of time at a time, by saying to myself I'm making NC for the next hour. And so forth. I know that I am vulnerable but for the next hour I'm going to do something else. I'll see how I feel in the next hour after that. In the meanwhile the bottom line is what's in it for me? What do I gain by answering him. There's now so much time and awareness on my part now, I don't see what I get out of it. I'm not getting a free drink or dinner or sex any other superficial token reward. He's a non-entity in my life now. So what curiosity would I be serving by answering back? Nothing as far as I can see. He's already given me power back. AND for that N that's knawing at his ego that I could do that to him..ignore him.
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 yes this is killing him.When was the last you replied to him?
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 beth, Again I was rereading the e-mail and as I told you I skimmed through it, now I'm picking passages that are telling of his distorted thinking of himself. I'm stunned at the level of insanity he's displaying. Here I can only show you what he wrote before so you'll see what I'm talking about. It regards his diatribe about his classmates...hint hint. Hmm... I think someone insulted me the other day though. There are these two people at school that I know. One I know better than the other, but they are both cool and we have a laugh when we are there. The one I know well was a bit upset with me because I didnt want to do anything all week except play poker and sit in (you know what im like), and of course I didnt want to hear it. Anyway the other girl asked her why she was miserable, and she told her. And the other one said "dont worry, hes just a typical alpha male actor"! Hmmm....Now I looked up this alpha male ****, and to be honest, it could be taken as rather flattering, but it was not meant as a compliment. Anyway, it was just light hearted. Thought you might get a kick out of that. I looked up alpha male, because what was he talking about? Apparently its a syndrome of thinking that assume everyone loves you and its extreme confindence and all women want you, its purely distorting mind set thats like a Narcissist's rulebook. So he's trying to convey to me that these girls think he's some super sex magnet. Hell No AM I RESPONDING TO THIS BULLS***! He's demented! What person in their right mind would tell his ex crap like this and think they would respond..why does he think I would get a kick out of it.
bendit Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 you've ALREADY responded. He's ALREADY gotten to you. You're parsing this email like the CIA would parse a letter from Bin Laden. ANY reaction, (he knows you're reading it) is a GOOD reaction to them. The only question in doubt now is how FAR your response is going to be taken. regards
smile95 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 wait-did you respond?? Ok that is purely hurtful to send all that in an email and you are right....he is trying to gt you to think that other people want him. Forget him. Do not play his game. That is all he is doing. Now grasping at straws to get yo uto call....I am telling you...the next one is going to be like "Ok I will not bother you anymore. Goodbye" It will hurt, but it is just more of his game! I am proud of you for not replying and you may be analyzing the letter, but ya know what, at least each time, you see something new that convinces you that you CANNOT call. He is trying to get you jealous.
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 bendit He's ALREADY gotten to you. You're parsing this email like the CIA That's REALLY FUNNY...I mean I actually had laugh at that one because its so true. Nothing gets past you! Come on...I didn't answer it give me some credit here!
AmIcrazy Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 beth, Hell No AM I RESPONDING TO THIS BULLS***! He's demented! What person in their right mind would tell his ex crap like this and think they would respond..why does he think I would get a kick out of it. Woo Hoo In Sync! I admire your strength. I don't know if I will ever hear from N, but if I do, I know I will read the email and then BEG FOR HELP HERE TO NOT RESPOND! Because you read it AND are seeing his sickness is a positive thing. BUT PLEASE, please, please do not respond! Just envision getting an email from a wonderful man -- and not having to do mental gymnastics about whether to respond -- because you will know that it is heartfelt, sincere, honest, REAL, and healthy. One more thing -- I think your N is a TOTAL liar about not receiving emails you sent! Did you send any - or is he so flippin' twisted he's making it up? It sounds to me as though he is to damn insecure to just say, "In Sync, I messed up. I am messed up. I miss you. Please help me." Oh no, never let someone see how you feel -- not an N. If you need someone to convince you to NOT respond -- stay tuned in here with everyone. Hugs. I don't even know you and I admire your strength thus far.
Author In Sync Posted October 21, 2005 Author Posted October 21, 2005 AmIcrazy? I won't lie I had a fleeting moment of doubt..if I hadn't picked through those lines I would have just thought as in the past..he's really trying. But come on..this stuff is too good not to go through. Part me is thinking how did I go from one month ago being in a fetal position crying over him and now I'm seeing what a mentally warped person he is. It's like if ever I received a message from the Greek Gods above this is one telling me...Look exactly what you were crying over. I am happy to share this with you guys out there as proof evidence that 99% of the time these people who we are twisting ourselves over are illusions we craeted. The curtain falls down and look what is behind it. A COMPLETE FAKE. This is a Gift and I know bendit is right about over analyzing it, but for me I'm not looking for any signs of hope in his writing each line is a confirmation that he's so much smaller than I ever imagined. Not responding to him is more than he can handle. There are other bits in it too that were equally sad. When did the tables get turned? Come on bendit, you have to see some humour in this.
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