emerald86 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 I met a guy through some mutual friends and we've had four dates so far. I had a lot of fun on each date, enjoyed being with him and talking to him, but I'm not really sure how I feel about a relationship for a number of reasons. I feel like some of our values and beliefs are fundamentally different - he seems to be more conservative than I am. Nothing that raised any red flags, but it still had me thinking about the future of the relationship. There are some other things that really stand out to me. Firstly, he doesn't text me at all between dates, and sometimes we'll go weeks without seeing each other. He explained to me that it's not because he's not interested, it's because he's swamped with both work and school (he is pursing a degree at the moment). He did tell me though that he hopes this heads in a serious direction, as he is looking to eventually get married and start a family. I explained that that was my goal as well, so we know we both want the same things. He also told me that he hopes we can take a trip together in the next few months. The other thing that really, really confuses me is that he hasn't made any sort of physical move so far. The most we have done is hugged, and it all still feels so platonic at this point. I just have a lot of questions, things I hope to clear up with him the next time I see him. But most importantly, we've met 4 times and I still don't know if I want to be exclusive with him. Is that necessarily a bad sign? In the past, it's always taken me a long time to open up and truly fall for someone, and I still don't feel like I've fully let my guard down to know if this is a relationship I want to pursue. I definitely sense potential (I always have fun with him), but I feel like I need to spend more time with him to know for sure. The other dilemma I'm in is that I've also been on an OLD website for a while, and have guys messaging me on there, but I feel too guilty to respond to any of those messages at this point. I know I'm not exclusive with this guy yet, and I do want to get to know multiple people before I commit. But I've never done the whole dating multiple people thing, and I feel like it would mess with my head.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 If he's going weeks without talking to you, he isn't just busy. His interest level is also too low, despite what he's telling you. Saying he wants to go on a trip together is silly when you have never done so much as kissed each other. I would let this one go. There's just not enough to work with here. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 No one is "too busy for weeks at a time" when they're interested. Since you met through mutual friends, it sounds like he's using the "too busy, so busy, very busy" excuse to try to get out of this. Just stop talking and trying to date him In this case the slow-fade approach is best to get each other off the hook. 1
Blind-Sided Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Yep... I agree with both of the above. Even if he's busy... he would txt when I got a moment if he was thinking of you. Before COVID... I was a busy "Professional" kind of business man. I would travel, (A week at a time) and be on the phone with clients when I was "At the office". (or at home) My job was kind of 24/7 because I was the guy who put the contract together, and was the contact point if things were wrong. Even with that... if there was a girl I was interested in... I would check my phone to see if she would have txted me. When I was away from home... I loved to hear from someone special.
Fletch Lives Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) So you guys have been dating for about two months and he has not gone for the first big kiss? Sorry, but some guys don't know what to do. It looks like you will be in the friends' zone. Edited November 10, 2020 by Fletch Lives
ThereSheGoes Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Question: Since you said he's really conservative, is he religious and serious about it? That could be a reason for him not kissing or touching you. Don't feel guilty about entertaining other guys. You are not in a relationship, you two are barely even dating. At this point, you're just hang out buddies. Light hang out buddies. I would put him on the very BACK burner and see what else is out there. Don't wait around for him to figure out if you're worth it or not. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 Since it takes you a while to warm up too, I suggest you tell him that him not talking to you for weeks at a time is not working for you & that you'd like more contact more often. It doesn't have to be daily but I think one date per week & a a few phone calls in between is an OK pace. It's certainly more then you have now. Even busy people should be able to fit that in Don't bail just yet. See if more frequent contact helps you to evaluate him. Keep an open mind although his level of interest does seem pretty low. Question: have you tried initiating contact when you haven't heard from him? Does he respond? It may be that he's hoping you do some work too to move things forward. If he's religious & conservative, physical contact may not be in the cards. You better find out whether he's religious, uninterested or painfully shy/ inexperienced. Your response may be different depending on him. I will share with you that my husband waited until our 3rd date to kiss me & it drove me batty. I was fully prepared to dump him if a kiss hadn't happened. Are you giving him green lights to kiss you? Try upping your flirting game to see his reaction. I wore a ridiculously short tight skirt on that 3rd date to see if that helped & it did. All in all I'm not optimistic that he's particularly interested but the above are things you can try to see if that wakes him up a bit.
Miss Spider Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 No reason for you not to date others and him while you’re still deciding. I will say though, every time I’ve had this feeling about someone and waited it out, I’ve regretted it. He will probably only like you more and more. 2
smackie9 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 20 hours ago, emerald86 said: There are some other things that really stand out to me. Firstly, he doesn't text me at all between dates, and sometimes we'll go weeks without seeing each other. Deal breaker. Send him to the curb. 1
Author emerald86 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 8 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said: Question: Since you said he's really conservative, is he religious and serious about it? That could be a reason for him not kissing or touching you. Don't feel guilty about entertaining other guys. You are not in a relationship, you two are barely even dating. At this point, you're just hang out buddies. Light hang out buddies. I would put him on the very BACK burner and see what else is out there. Don't wait around for him to figure out if you're worth it or not. Yup, he is religious. You're right. I've decided not to place all my eggs in one basket and date other people for now. I figured maybe part of the reason I feel slightly wrong/guilty talking to other guys is because I may have developed slight feelings for him. I'm not crazy about him or anything, but I think I might like him at least a little.
Author emerald86 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 7 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Since it takes you a while to warm up too, I suggest you tell him that him not talking to you for weeks at a time is not working for you & that you'd like more contact more often. It doesn't have to be daily but I think one date per week & a a few phone calls in between is an OK pace. It's certainly more then you have now. Even busy people should be able to fit that in Don't bail just yet. See if more frequent contact helps you to evaluate him. Keep an open mind although his level of interest does seem pretty low. Question: have you tried initiating contact when you haven't heard from him? Does he respond? It may be that he's hoping you do some work too to move things forward. If he's religious & conservative, physical contact may not be in the cards. You better find out whether he's religious, uninterested or painfully shy/ inexperienced. Your response may be different depending on him. I will share with you that my husband waited until our 3rd date to kiss me & it drove me batty. I was fully prepared to dump him if a kiss hadn't happened. Are you giving him green lights to kiss you? Try upping your flirting game to see his reaction. I wore a ridiculously short tight skirt on that 3rd date to see if that helped & it did. All in all I'm not optimistic that he's particularly interested but the above are things you can try to see if that wakes him up a bit. That's a good idea. I do like him a little, but certainly need to know him better before deciding to commit (if it gets there lol). I do initiate contact every now and then, and he does reply. Sometimes it takes him a day or two, but he does reply. I'm not really optimistic either, but I do hope things change in the next few weeks or so. If not, I'll move on.
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