Convicted felon

[yesilikebread]

Hello,

 

I want to start off by saying that I have met very nice men on online dating apps, I do think it's a good way to meet people/partners, but as always in life, you have to be very careful. Before I meet up with someone I do my research, and so I did with this man that I've been chatting with for a few weeks. He seemed nice and naive or not, I thought he had 'kind eyes'. What I mean by kind eyes is that sometimes you can tell a lot about someone by seeing their eyes. I found his details after doing some research and found that he had a sentence of x years in prison for r*pe, and it felt almost surreal to see it on the screen. I understand that you can't tell by looking at a person if they're a dangerous person, and I think I'm in some sort of shock or something and needing to rant but also to warn everyone out there who don't look up their dates, to please do your research! Even if you feel a connection.

Has anyone been in similar situations? Would you unmatched/block straight away if you found this out prior to meeting someone or would you  be ok with dating someone with a criminal record? 

[smackie9]

You should be reporting this to the police...he could be violating his parole.

not everyone uses their real name or you could be cat fished...you can use reverse face image on google to see who they really are.

Edited November 9, 2020 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

Yikes. That’s terrifying. Criminal record? I wouldn’t for serious relationship, but I did date a guy with a felony for selling drugs. But  sex and violent crimes are a different story altogether. Yes I would unmatch. Most likely purge my profile and crush my phone too. I find it creepy. & yea you can never really know with people 

Edited November 9, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, yesilikebread said:

I found his details after doing some research and found that he had a sentence of x years in prison for r*pe.

Run. .  What you are describing is known as "predatory stare" Google it. Bundy and the rest had this. Delete and block him on everything asap. No explanation. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

1 hour ago, yesilikebread said:

you have to be very careful.

 

ARE you being very careful??

 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

ARE you being very careful??

There are paid dating apps that include background checks,  (do you homework online also) but they're not the ones people swipe through for free out of boredom.

[yesilikebread]

Yes, 

I'm not using my first name in my profile and I haven't given him my phone number or any other personal information, really. This freaked me out so much I had to share. Hopefully it reaches someone who doesn't do background checks on their dates.

8 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

ARE you being very careful??

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

I thought he had 'kind eyes'. What I mean by kind eyes is that sometimes you can tell a lot about someone by seeing their eyes.

This is a nice idea, but it's not grounded in reality. You've just learned that lesson. 

No way in hell would I continue talking to this person. 

[Wiseman2]

Yes, googling is a good screening tool.

Just courious what prompted you to dig further and find court records?

[yesilikebread]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, googling is a good screening tool.

Just courious what prompted you to dig further and find court records?

When I found him and his address it also stated that he had a criminal record. I always check my dates prior to meeting them it's like a pre date check box, first address and age and all that to see if it checks out, but then also check if they have been convicted. Since that has never happened before it was strange but I thought he had been convicted of something like theft etc.  

In my country you can get court documents fairly easily and almost always for free.

 

Nothing he did or said sparked anything in me, I had been chatting with him for a while so I guess that's why it felt so scary to get hold of. 

I believe people can be rehabilitated, but also I must choose who I allow into my life & I'm not perfect, but I find crime, especially of violent/sexual nature to be very dark and I wouldn't be able to see that person in the eye to be honest. 

The sentence was ten years ago but I will still report to the dating app, I feel that's the least I can do. My heart goes out to the survivor of his assault. 

 

[Fletch Lives]

Instant dealbreaker.

Yeah, I met a couple of cwack hos when I dated online........I found their mugshots online. 

[ThereSheGoes]

I remember once, YEARS ago, I met a guy on a messaging app, and he kept inviting me out to his trailer. In the woods. About an hour and a half away. Well, I didn't drive at the time, and I didn't have a car, so that was my excuse to him. But he still kept asking, even suggesting that he comes and picks me up and take me back.

To his trailer.

In the woods.

That was an hour and a half away.

So, I obviously said no. But I remember I asked him what his last name was, and I did a search on him.

Found out, he got wrapped up in a sting, about two years before. Think a local, To Catch a Predator type of situation. He met a '12 year old girl' in a chat room, and went to go meet up for sex. When he got there, he found the police instead. He was arrested, spent a few months in jail, was on probation and will forever be on the sex offender's registry.

I immediately blocked him.

Seriously. As soon as these people give you their last name, age and location, look these people up. Yeah, it could be a fake name, but just do your due diligence.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

The fact that he didn't tell you early on and demonstrate the positive changes he's made in his life is a big red flag. 

Don't tell him what you found out, just tell him you've changed your mind and GO!

Hopefully, he doesn't know where you work or live.

Edited November 10, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

 I believe people can be rehabilitated, but also I must choose who I allow into my life & I'm not perfect, but I find crime, especially of violent/sexual nature to be very dark and I wouldn't be able to see that person in the eye to be honest. 

I know a man that did something similar around 10-12 years ago. He was a childhood friend of my ex's, who grew up to be someone none of his old friends recognized (or associated with) When we were in ours 20s, he was charged and convicted of an armed rape in our hometown. It was a random attack on a woman out walking her dog. 

He did his time (a few years) and was released, though he could not return to our town, where the rape had happened.  None of the old group had anything to do with him, but we heard that he had returned to his former line of work and was dating. He was a good-looking, fit guy. Very charming, and probably had several ladies who knew zero about where he'd been for the last few years. Heard nothing about him for several years, until earlier this year. He was in the news again, this time for the attempted murder of his girlfriend in front of her children's school one morning. Stabbed her in a jealous rage and took off. He was caught, and fortunately, she survived. 

My point? A guy like this is not worth the risk. Not even a close call. There is something seriously wrong with violent sexual predators and the risk of re-offending is high. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Miss Spider]

Why does it matter if this guy can become rehabilitated? Why should you have to take the risk that he cannot? There are millions guys online that have not been convicted of rape. Why take your chances are the one that has? You don’t owe this man anything. 
It’s a random stranger online

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

On 11/9/2020 at 1:55 PM, yesilikebread said:

I found his details after doing some research and found that he had a sentence of x years in prison for r*pe, and it felt almost surreal to see it on the screen. I understand that you can't tell by looking at a person if they're a dangerous person, and I think I'm in some sort of shock or something and needing to rant but also to warn everyone out there who don't look up their dates, to please do your research! Even if you feel a connection.

Has anyone been in similar situations? Would you unmatched/block straight away if you found this out prior to meeting someone or would you  be ok with dating someone with a criminal record? 

Why on earth would you want to date a convicted rapist. I mean, I have nothing positive to offer you as far as advice. Just...complete exasperation that you'd even consider putting yourself in harm's way, going out with a convicted rapist who is using online dating as a legal channel to look for more rape victims. No, I'm not being facetious.

[yesilikebread]

16 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Why on earth would you want to date a convicted rapist. I mean, I have nothing positive to offer you as far as advice. Just...complete exasperation that you'd even consider putting yourself in harm's way, going out with a convicted rapist who is using online dating as a legal channel to look for more rape victims. No, I'm not being facetious.

Haha, where did you get that from? I never said I wanted to date him after finding this out, I have more respect for myself than that. I was not asking for advice, I was posting this 1, to share awareness and 2. to get it off my chest & and 3, to ask if someone had experienced the same thing/how you would react to this.

Edited November 10, 2020 by yesilikebread
Add 1 thing

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, yesilikebread said:

Haha, where did you get that from? I never said I wanted to date him after finding this out, I have more respect for myself than that. I was not asking for advice, I was posting this 1, to share awareness and 2. to get it off my chest.

Well it came across like you were seeking advice.

On 11/9/2020 at 1:55 PM, yesilikebread said:

Has anyone been in similar situations? Would you unmatched/block straight away if you found this out prior to meeting someone or would you  be ok with dating someone with a criminal record? 

I mean, why post about it to get it off your chest if you weren't considering it at least.

[yesilikebread]

12 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well it came across like you were seeking advice.

I mean, why post about it to get it off your chest if you weren't considering it at least.

Well, why do people need to talk about their awful day for example? Same thing. Processing things like this, especially if you don’t have a lot of people to talk to offline, and it’s the first time you encounter something like this. It may not have been a big thing for others’, but for me this was very scary, knowing I got away in the nick of time.

[Watercolors]

7 minutes ago, yesilikebread said:

Well, why do people need to talk about their awful day for example? Same thing. Processing things like this, especially if you don’t have a lot of people to talk to offline, and it’s the first time you encounter something like this. It may not have been a big thing for others’, but for me this was very scary, knowing I got away in the nick of time.

Ok, fair play to you, as the Irish would say.

I agree that it would be scary to find out that a man you were interested in contacting online for a date, had a conviction of rape in his background. You did indeed get away in the nick of time.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, yesilikebread said:

When I found him and his address it also stated that he had a criminal record. 

 

Uh, you can get most any name in society to pop up a reference to some "criminal record"  (in a large, bright red notification)

 

But there is a giant difference between Ted Bundy and somebody who just got arrested during a BLM protest.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, yesilikebread said:

if someone had experienced the same thing/how you would react to this.

I had a friend I was walking and talking with during lockdown, it was pleasant and we talked about a lot of things, very deep sometimes. Later I learned her husband's a convicted child sex offender, I was annoyed because I'd been regularly parking outside their home and introduced to the man. I think she should have given me a heads up at least but when I asked her later ( on the phone I haven't seen her since I found out ) why did you stay with him? she said 'he's a wonderful man'. That seems deluded to me given the recidivism rates. And they have grandkids. 

Given that he'd been to prison your guy online @yesilikebread it's likely not some teen technicality 'rape' charge. Yes I'd delete and move on. 

And I also was a bit weirded out that I'd unknowingly been hanging out with a sex offender- I ranted about it a bit for a few weeks. 

I don't routinely check out people online, interesting thought.

 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Rapists, murderers, torturers ... have eyes of all kind ... and they don't have marks on their foreheads announcing their violent tendencies. People assault for all kinds of twisted reasons ... the naivete you picked up could be a sign of some kind of social disconnect, some kind of dissociation, some kind of mental illness. 

Yes, it's interesting that he had "kind eyes." Perhaps he's kind to some people in his life. Doesn't mean he's not a rapist. Move on. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I know a man that did something similar around 10-12 years ago. He was a childhood friend of my ex's, who grew up to be someone none of his old friends recognized (or associated with) When we were in ours 20s, he was charged and convicted of an armed rape in our hometown. It was a random attack on a woman out walking her dog. 

He did his time (a few years) and was released, though he could not return to our town, where the rape had happened.  None of the old group had anything to do with him, but we heard that he had returned to his former line of work and was dating. He was a good-looking, fit guy. Very charming, and probably had several ladies who knew zero about where he'd been for the last few years. Heard nothing about him for several years, until earlier this year. He was in the news again, this time for the attempted murder of his girlfriend in front of her children's school one morning. Stabbed her in a jealous rage and took off. He was caught, and fortunately, she survived. 

My point? A guy like this is not worth the risk. Not even a close call. There is something seriously wrong with violent sexual predators and the risk of re-offending is high. 

This hits close to home.  One of my best friends, beautiful, educated, successful, had been dating a man who served 7 years in prison and working as a janitor.  

I kept telling her she could do better but she kept telling me how AWESOME he was, totally rehabilitated, he was the sweetest, kindest, blah blah.

Till one day she called me crying saying he got so mad at her for something so ridiculously stupid, he beat the crap out of her.

I don't believe in prison "reform."  People are often more dangerous after release than before they entered! 

Edited November 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

True, LGO, You often cannot tell. But I think it might be something that is just in my intuition/instinct, I often see a  mugshots or pics of a person in an article or something and know they committed a violent crime before I read it 

They have 1000 yard stare or something just barely there that’s lurking under the surface.  Obviously, I can’t say everyone who does these things to has that look because I don’t know. But like Ted Bundy. He looks freaking creepy independent of his crimes. I think he was inbred though. Jared Laughner, cho seung hui, Adam Lanza. These people don’t look healthy/normal at all compared to average 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes