City Gent Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 (edited) Hey everyone, would appreciate any advice on a very complicated situation, thanks! I have been in a sort of relationship/very close friendship with H for [redacted] years. To start with it was a very full on relationship, although we don't live together. Then it became more like just very close friends with no sex. Then about [redacted] years ago she started seeing an old friend from her work, at first she said he was just a friend, but it was obvious he was more. I got sidelined and was extremely hurt and upset. We still met up occasionally but there were lots of arguments. I joined a social group and met a very sexy woman J and asked her out and started seeing her. We didn't have full sex as she wanted to take it slowly but we did other things including oral which was mindblowing, she has an amazing body and I fancied her like mad, she said she fancied me like crazy too, all great!. H was extremely jealous and as soon as she could tell it was going somewhere, she suddenly dumped her work colleague completely and wanted me back. We had enormous arguments. Maybe it was the stress but I was [redacted] off work for 6 months. I kept in touch with J by text etc, and H did look after me a lot [redacted]. It took at least a year before I could go back to work. All this time I have kept in touch with J, although mainly by text. H and I are still very close friends but no sex. Then last week H and I went to a pub for a drink before the new lockdown. Across the room I saw J with a male friend. We saw eachother but didn't say anything. Next morning we texted a fair bit, I asked about her love life, she said she was just dating and seeing how it goes. I explained that me and H were just friends, nothing more. I keep thinking about wanting to see J and have amazing sex with her. We have been texting a lot over the past few days, today we had a lot of banter and were teasing eachother a lot. I want to ask to see her again once lockdown is over, but I know if she agrees, (which is not certain as she is dating a guy), and we do start seeing eachother again, that H will freak out and our friendship will be over. My head is spinning and I am going crazy. I really want to see J and make love to her, but don't want to throw 6 years of close friendship down the drain either . Please help!!!!! Edited November 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Member request for privacy concerns
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 Personally I wouldn't throw away a close six-year friendship with someone just for good sex without close friendship involved. That's just me. However, I also couldn't be satisfied to be limited to just close friendship without sex in a relationship. Sounds to me as if you need to have a discussion with Helen and let her know you need to begin dating others. Then you can find someone you have both friendship and sex with.
Versacehottie Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 Idk, to me, this one point stuck out, are you willing to put your love life on hold indefinitely or until Helen finds someone and doesn't need YOUR friendship anymore for just a friendship? I think it's time to be clear with Helen about what could or could not be. if you want to make one last attempt with Helen then do it but I think you already have enough information to know that you guys don't work as romantic partners. She can't have it both ways--it's not fair to you. There's a threshold of where she is not only doing it to you but you are doing it to yourself. I think you will have great regret for living your life that way. 1 1
Author City Gent Posted November 8, 2020 Author Posted November 8, 2020 3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Idk, to me, this one point stuck out, are you willing to put your love life on hold indefinitely or until Helen finds someone and doesn't need YOUR friendship anymore for just a friendship? I think it's time to be clear with Helen about what could or could not be. if you want to make one last attempt with Helen then do it but I think you already have enough information to know that you guys don't work as romantic partners. She can't have it both ways--it's not fair to you. There's a threshold of where she is not only doing it to you but you are doing it to yourself. I think you will have great regret for living your life that way. Thanks, I already have a lot of regrets. A few weeks ago now while we were texting one evening Janet said 'you owe me a drink', it was only a throwaway comment, and stupidly I didn't respond, when now I realise she was probably expecting me to say 'let's go out for a drink then, when are you free?' And now she is dating this other guy and probably thinks I wasn't interested, and I don't blame her, lol. That was so stupid of me. So although we have had a lot of friendly banter since, she may not want to meet up now if I ask her. I guess I need to pluck up courage and just ask if she would like to meet for a catch up, and play it cool? I dunno. A lot of this mess is of my own making for not standing up to Helen before when I was seeing Janet. After dumping me for her work colleague, she had no right to be jealous and want me back. I am beginning to realise that I really messed up there and made some very bad decisions by not being strong enough. Could have been in a great relationship with Janet by now, instead of which she may have found someone else. The fact that its my fault I didn't handle it better for myself is very depressing.
Miss Spider Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 (edited) Your friend Helen should have nothing to say about who you date. You are not with her. She may have helped you, but that does not give her the right to rule your life and decide who you bang . Sounds a bit toxic tbh Edited November 8, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 2
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 I agree. It’s no friendship if she dictates whom you date or associates with in threats . Not worth it. I would move on from the friendship and enjoy the freedom to do whatever you want....go live your life. 3
kendahke Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Guitarman69 said: I explained that me and Helen were just friends, nothing more. Rule #1: never lie to yourself. This is not true--you have serious enough feelings for Helen that: Quote she started seeing an old friend from her work, at first she said he was just a friend, but it was obvious he was more. I got sidelined and was extremely hurt and upset. We still met up occasionally but there were lots of arguments. If you didn't harbor deeper feelings than just friendship, then it wouldn't have phased you one way or the other who Helen started seeing... and if Helen didn't harbor deeper feelings than just friendship for you, this wouldn't be holding you back from pursuing Janet: Quote I know if she agrees, (which is not certain as she is dating a guy), and we do start seeing eachother again, that Helen will freak out and our friendship will be over. This speak way more to the issue that there is far more going on between you and Helen that you need to talk about, get out into the open and be completely truthful with one another. You dating Janet and having sex with her shouldn't have any bearing, really, on a friendship with Helen, from whom you're not getting any sex. Let Helen feel however she's going to feel--if you want to date Janet and Helen isn't checking for you sexually, then you need to tell Helen to stand down on the high dudgeon tip. 3
kendahke Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 2 hours ago, Guitarman69 said: Janet said 'you owe me a drink', it was only a throwaway comment, and stupidly I didn't respond, when now I realise she was probably expecting me to say 'let's go out for a drink then, when are you free?' And now she is dating this other guy and probably thinks I wasn't interested, and I don't blame her, lol. That was so stupid of me. So although we have had a lot of friendly banter since, she may not want to meet up now if I ask her. I guess I need to pluck up courage and just ask if she would like to meet for a catch up, and play it cool? Nope... that ship has sailed. Disregard my response above. I think you need to be fine with a sexless friendship with Helen.
Acacia98 Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 You need to figure out what you want out of your relationship with Helen: do you want to be lovers or friends? If you decide to just be friends, set the appropriate boundaries and change the way you interact with her so that, if someone new comes into either of your lives, there is room for that person. What you guys are doing right now is not fair to the people who get involved with you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 Not really a dilemma. One is a platonic friend who helped you through some tough times and the other was a short term fling who now has a BF. What exactly is there to choose from?
Author City Gent Posted November 9, 2020 Author Posted November 9, 2020 Thanks everyone for your comments!. Good news! I took the plunge and Janet still wants to see me! Happy days, will take it from there. 1
Calmandfocused Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 You’re lucky that Janet is still interested Op. I’m not sure many women would have that level of patience but clearly Janet sees something in you too. In regards to Helen; You need to re-establish the boundaries. You can not be expected to accept a friendship as a substitute to an intimate relationship. Why should you? You made the fatal error of handing all your control over to Helen. Helen is under the impression that she can call the shots and you will accept whatever she offers you. Stop letting Helen pull the strings of your life. Take the control back. Stop being so dependant on Helen and how live your life. She doesn’t dictate how you live it. You do. My sense is that you need to wean yourself off Helen physically and emotionally. When you do, you may find that you build up attachments with other women and that your friendship with Helen will naturally subside. I hope it goes well with Janet. Keep us updated.
ShyViolet Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 I don't understand your relationship/friendship with Helen. She doesn't sound like a good friend, she sounds controlling. So she doesn't want to actually be in a proper relationship with you (or I'm sure it would have happened by now). Yet she "freaks out" whenever you are with someone else. You have someone else who you are interested in, yet you are afraid to date them because Helen will "freak out" and end your friendship. What kind of friend is that? I'll answer that question.... not a good one. She has no right to control who you date or say that you're not allowed to be with anyone else, yet she isn't even actually "with" you either. Do what you want, and LET Helen "freak out". She deserves to lose you as a friend if she thinks she can treat you this way. 3
elaine567 Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 I have a feeling Helen does not think they are just friends. I guess she thinks she is still in a relationship with him. 1
mark clemson Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 General rule: don't let orbiters interfere with your moving on. That sounds a lot like what Helen is doing. What's going to happen when the two of them are in the same room? Nothing good I expect. Although I get wanting to maintain a friendship, my thought would be to seriously back-burner Helen. That may need to become permanent IF your relationship solidifies and Helen can't stop being possessive of you. 1
ajequals Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 Saw a great video over the weekend ,It applies to me and I think it applies to you. Men make the mistake of putting a women they value on the pedestal and they acquire a rock star status. In turn. they make us a fan loosing all respect for us. we can have a signed photo but nothing more.. Instead of valuing what we are, they fight with us instead for they dopamine hit..Ask yourself. what effort is she putting into your relationship ,keep your interest ,are you doing all the work? If your like me. you see she is putting in No effort. 2
kendahke Posted November 9, 2020 Posted November 9, 2020 11 hours ago, City Gent said: Good news! I took the plunge and Janet still wants to see me! Happy days, will take it from there. Good. Now you need to make sure Helen understands that you aren't checking for her as a girlfriend anymore, because from the years of posts I've read on this site, here is what's going to happen: If Helen isn't crystal clear that you aren't checking for her as a romantic partner, what's going to happen is she's going to attempt to wage psychological warfare on Janet. When you bring Janet to your favorite haunts for a drink and Helen happens to be there, she's going to get territorial and show completely out. She's going to get super drunk, try to sit on your lap, whisper in your ear in front of Janet--and basically do whatever she can to undermine Janet's confidence. She will also turn on the drunk tears at some time during the whole sordid display, too. And if you don't put your foot down and make it unmistakably clear that she ain't that one and that Janet is, she's going to succeed in driving a wedge between you and Janet... Janet has already shown you she's not the sort to wait around for you. The numbers of threads of new girlfriends writing in to complain that a "friend" of the guy they're seeing is not staying in her lane and him not checking her in the moment and putting her on Straight Street would pave a highway to the Oort cloud and back. If this is true about Helen: Quote Helen will freak out then you're going to have to handle Helen and perhaps lose that friendship in order to have Janet. 1
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