do men appreciate when a woman approaches them first?

November 7, 2020

I know you are going to say that this is 21st century and there is nothing wrong for a woman to make a first move. Of course, I can only speak from my personal experience but approaching any guy never worked for me personally. Guys say that they would love for a woman to approach them, but do they really?

When I was younger and tried to flirt with the guys that I found cute, they would not be interested in my shy advances. They were never overly rude but would brush me off. When I got older, it was pretty much the same thing. It worked better when a guy actually approached me first. Me making the first move never amounted to anything. Guys simply showed disinterest in me making any first moves. They would say things like: "You are great but I already have a girlfriend, I am busy at work, I am not looking for a relationship, blah, blah, blah." Basically tell me any white lie as to why they don't want to date me. Any relationships I ever had was as result of men telling or showing me that they are interested in me.

Even on-line dating is the same. In a best case scenario, a guy simply doesn't reply if I shoot him a message first. At the worst, men get defensive. I've had several guys asking me: "Why did you message me? What do you think we have in common? Why, why, why?" lol. I told one guy that I simply wanted to chat, it's not like I was asking him to marry me, neck, it's not like I was even asking him to meet me for a cup of coffee or anything. After that he calmed down and we ended up chatting for a bit and actually had a nice convo, believe it or not, but my interest in him was gone. And he is not the only one who acted that way. I realize that online dating makes some people think that they are better than they really are but it still hurts. Majority of guys are not very receptive when I write to them. It's almost like, how dare she? Or they give me one-word answer to show the disinterest. So, my approach now is to be as passive as possible. If a guy likes me, he can approach me first. If not, then not. Not going to approach any guys anymore.

I can't be the only one who feels that way, can I? What are your thought about this?

November 7, 2020

I'm the opposite...guys liked it (this was over 30 years ago btw), I asked guys out on dates / accepted, only one I remember that said no because I was a smoker at the time and that was a deal breaker for him...fair enough. I found the majority of ones that did approached me first were players, jerks, weirdos. I guess I looked vulnerable to them. It was annoying.

My answer to you is, It's about their attraction to you...they weren't and we all know we don't appeal to just anybody and the same goes for us too.... with the online thing they may have thought you were a prostitute (no offense intended), which do use the dating sites frequently and that would probably would explain them being apprehensive/not trusting of your intentions or they thought you were just going to jerk them around for attention which many women do on there. People are weird on those sites anyways, just have to navigate around the bull crap.

Whatever works for you, stick with it. I wish you success in finding Mr. Right

November 7, 2020

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

...Guys say that they would love for a woman to approach them, but do they really?

Men are not monolithic. Some do some don't. In my life experience and social circles men love it. Now of course, just like when men approach women just because you approach and they like to be approached is no guarantee they are into you. Then again, the men I've known are not into f*ing anything that moves.

There are men I hear, at least from women on LS and I'm certain some men as well, that do not like to be approached first, guess it is a turn off for them. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this in any kind way except perhaps it is like a cat, who is not interested in the mouse in front until it runs and tries to get away, then the predator instinct kicks in. An animal analogy that for some men the chase is the thing

Quote

Majority of guys are not very receptive when I write to them. It's almost like, how dare she? Or they give me one-word answer to show the disinterest.

The former is just rude, the latter a bit more gentle. Welcome to guy world. Just move on. I don't assume that when I get such things that women don't like to be approached, rather they just didn't want to be approached by me. Now again you could be completely correct, you may be just selecting somehow for the men who hate to be approached.

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So, my approach now is to be as passive as possible. If a guy likes me, he can approach me first. If not, then not. Not going to approach any guys anymore.

That's perfectly legitimate. Some men seem to take the same approach. Of course if one is going to be passive and let the world come to them, then don't complain if you don't get what you want. I can say in OLD that I approached women I was interested as long as did not have too many (3-4) already messaging and moving to meeting. However, the OLD sites I used would show me to women that they would not show me, so a woman could see me and think "oh I hope he contacts me" but I never saw her so not going to happen unless I notice her in the literally 1000s of search results I'd get for my criteria limited to people within 15 miles of me.

All I can say is you could miss your match if you leave it to others. My gf, and dare i say about as close to soul mate as have ever met (which is very close indeed), reached out to me first on OLD. Now I may have met here eventually as she did come up in my matches I think after our 3rd date. I am still ecstatic she did. I didn't make any negative assumptions based on that, rather I liked it, shows confidence (or at least being able to face ones fears), a proactive, can do approach to life. For me that is huge, I have a hard time tolerating can't do people....and for the record she is very "traditionally" feminine in nature: nurturing, kind, diplomatic, giving...and also laid back, open minded, insightful, humorous, creative, active, wicked smart and wicked sexy (and no her OLD picture was not a wicked sexy come hither one...actually a pretty mediocre picture of her..it was her messages that really got me to want to meet here ASAP).

I will say I did ask her out first. Now she may have dropped the idea for a second date first, but found that was pretty common for the woman to do that in OLD.

Quote

I can't be the only one who feels that way, can I? What are your thought about this?

Oh you are certainly not alone and your approach falls square within "traditional" gender roles. Also it is easy, and largely avoids rejection.

My thought is that approaching men first can serve as a kind of filter to exclude men who are put off by women who do such things....that is if you don't want those men. If you do want those men then by all means do not approach men first.

Edited November 7, 2020 by SumGuy

November 7, 2020

56 minutes ago, Alvi said:

.

I can't be the only one who feels that way, can I? What are your thought about this?

Ultimately, there's no answer that works for everyone. Some guys would appreciate it, some wouldn't. And some women are comfortable doing it, while some aren't.

As for the amount of rejection you've experienced: that's normal. The more you put yourself out there, the greater the number of rejections you will experience. But there's also a greater chance of meeting that one receptive person. If the repeated rejection is too hard for you to handle, then you should just do what works for you: wait for the guys to ask you out.

November 7, 2020

My understanding from having five brothers, reading books/articles and my own experience, is that yes most men love when a woman approaches or asks him out, it's a huge ego boost whether he's physically/sexually attracted or not.

If not attracted, he may even accept the invite, and go through the motions of dating, being in a relationship.

However, having a woman take the lead rarely inspires romantic feelings and love.

Despite what's been spouted by society, men become inspired through effort. They are the natural hunters and chasers, it's biological.

Of couese there are exceptions, some men are naturally passive and possess more feminine energy than masculine. In that case, he would be turned on sexually if a woman approached and pursued him.

But generally speaking, even though a man might be flattered, enjoy the attention and ego boost, I've never heard of, seen or experienced a man feeling inspired romantically when a woman approaches or takes the lead.

Men in the support group I used to attend admitted to thinking what was wrong with her, why she was approaching, leading.

It lowered her value in their eyes since men are the natural hunters, and in their eyes high value women do not need to approach first.

They are pursued and chased after. And men as the natural hunters, when interested will have no problem doing so!

Edited November 7, 2020 by poppyfields

November 7, 2020

I think it works best when there is a balance of push and pull from both.....as they say the less available /aloof they are we tend to chase. That is instinctive in women and men.

November 7, 2020

9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I think it works best when there is a balance of push and pull from both.....as they say the less available /aloof they are we tend to chase. That is instinctive in women and men.

To each there own, I have no interest in going after a women who is aloof. As in all these rules about waiting or not acting "too" interested. I get that some guys love that, to me it smacks too much like jumping through hoops, the very opposite of "masculine." It seems needy to me to chase after someone who pushes you away, as if you have no options and someone who is lukewarm about you is the best you can get.

Whatever. I have no problem with a woman wanting to take it slow, get to know me, etc. but by communication not games: acting one way when you feel the opposite to manipulate my reaction to you....next.

I will agree that there may be an instinct about it, it strikes on some of the core principles of sales (and the con) an "exclusive," "limited time offer" so "act now," on one's "fear of missing out" because it "must" be a good thing if it is so hard to attain.

November 7, 2020

You are getting it wrong...I'm not say complete shut down, not answering texts,..... but both parties not acting all too eager, just a good balance of light flirting, then pull back, teasing all that fun stuff....give a little take a little.

November 7, 2020

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are getting it wrong...I'm not say complete shut down, not answering texts,..... but both parties not acting all too eager, just a good balance of light flirting, then pull back, teasing all that fun stuff....give a little take a little.

Fair enough...not sure what a good balance means, maybe different for different people. By aloof I don't mean shut down either, just a general lack of enthusiasm, untoward delays in communication. Don't get me wrong, as I post I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and don't jump to conclusions.

Teasing is fine as there is more to communication than just words, so, so much more . I do think I am on the more enthusiastic & passionate side of the spectrum (which doesn't mean throwing caution to the wind)...worked for me.

I react negatively to the whole push-pull thing as it appears to me to be a core concept of "the rules," which I consider far from good for many.

November 7, 2020

If someone (man or woman) is gonna "play games" (I won't talk to x before they talk to me first) ever before the first date that goes to show what to expect in a relationship with them, I mean being chased I'm sure is fun, until like you're 22 maybe, after that let's get real. If you like someone go after them.

Now another one sided criticism I guess, many women nowadays are unapproachable.

Edited November 7, 2020 by MrPlop

November 7, 2020

@sumguy, balance = both people pursue "each other."

Might be in different ways, different styles, like for example, my now-fiance, when dating before we became an official couple, he would ask me out, plan and pay, and in turn, I would invite him for dinner at mine. We sort of pursued each other.

That's my definition of balance anyway.

I never liked the intentional push/pull game, but I do think it happens on some level in early stages.

Edited November 7, 2020 by poppyfields

November 7, 2020

Push pull, do the dance, body language, whatever you call it, it does happens naturally. If one doesn't like the dance the other is doing, then you are not a good fit.

November 7, 2020

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Push pull, do the dance, body language, whatever you call it, it does happens naturally. If one doesn't like the dance the other is doing, then you are not a good fit.

Fair enough, those I am ok with...again when I read push/pull my mind goes to all the internet stuff about "the rules" and if you push them away (act disinterested, and play hard to get/date) they will want you more.

Of course heard of this before the internet existed. Certainly to each their own, just seen things such as "the rules" held up as the solution to ones dating woes and the reason you have problems with men or women is because you don't follow them, or follow them enough.

November 7, 2020

all this stuff is learned on the play ground starting with a girl or boy punching the arm of the one they like then running away.

Edited November 7, 2020 by smackie9

November 7, 2020

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Men are not monolithic. Some do some don't. In my life experience and social circles men love it. Now of course, just like when men approach women just because you approach and they like to be approached is no guarantee they are into you. Then again, the men I've known are not into f*ing anything that moves.

There are men I hear, at least from women on LS and I'm certain some men as well, that do not like to be approached first, guess it is a turn off for them. I have a hard time wrapping my head around this in any kind way except perhaps it is like a cat, who is not interested in the mouse in front until it runs and tries to get away, then the predator instinct kicks in. An animal analogy that for some men the chase is the thing

The former is just rude, the latter a bit more gentle. Welcome to guy world. Just move on. I don't assume that when I get such things that women don't like to be approached, rather they just didn't want to be approached by me. Now again you could be completely correct, you may be just selecting somehow for the men who hate to be approached.

That's perfectly legitimate. Some men seem to take the same approach. Of course if one is going to be passive and let the world come to them, then don't complain if you don't get what you want. I can say in OLD that I approached women I was interested as long as did not have too many (3-4) already messaging and moving to meeting. However, the OLD sites I used would show me to women that they would not show me, so a woman could see me and think "oh I hope he contacts me" but I never saw her so not going to happen unless I notice her in the literally 1000s of search results I'd get for my criteria limited to people within 15 miles of me.

All I can say is you could miss your match if you leave it to others. My gf, and dare i say about as close to soul mate as have ever met (which is very close indeed), reached out to me first on OLD. Now I may have met here eventually as she did come up in my matches I think after our 3rd date. I am still ecstatic she did. I didn't make any negative assumptions based on that, rather I liked it, shows confidence (or at least being able to face ones fears), a proactive, can do approach to life. For me that is huge, I have a hard time tolerating can't do people....and for the record she is very "traditionally" feminine in nature: nurturing, kind, diplomatic, giving...and also laid back, open minded, insightful, humorous, creative, active, wicked smart and wicked sexy (and no her OLD picture was not a wicked sexy come hither one...actually a pretty mediocre picture of her..it was her messages that really got me to want to meet here ASAP).

I will say I did ask her out first. Now she may have dropped the idea for a second date first, but found that was pretty common for the woman to do that in OLD.

Oh you are certainly not alone and your approach falls square within "traditional" gender roles. Also it is easy, and largely avoids rejection.

My thought is that approaching men first can serve as a kind of filter to exclude men who are put off by women who do such things....that is if you don't want those men. If you do want those men then by all means do not approach men first.

I agree with all this and your gf sounds very much like mine! Your experiences resonated!

November 7, 2020

Quote

do men appreciate when a woman approaches them first?

Think it depends on the guy AND how she does it. For myself, it's fine, e.g. if (hypothetically) I was single and woman gave me her number or similar I think I'd know what to do with it.

When approaching, I think it's possible for a woman to be TOO direct with some men. Cut right to the sexuality stuff - some guys will eat that up and be like "sure thing!" but others will find it off-putting. Probably the woman feels like she is just being "direct" and "bold" and thus matching the (stereotyped) masculine "style". While that's true, there are some guys who can't process that well. Generally I think it's better to move step-by-step, e.g. conversation, rapport, perhaps some light touching, deepening initial pair-bonding, THEN physical intimacy and/or suggestions thereof.

Edited November 7, 2020 by mark clemson

November 7, 2020

Why do most men get this image of a woman slinking up to a man and start rubbing his chest with sexual overtones? That isn't what this is about. It's simply a woman starting a conversation, and possibly suggesting a date, that's it.

Edited November 7, 2020 by smackie9

November 7, 2020

9 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Think it depends on the guy AND how she does it. For myself, it's fine, e.g. if (hypothetically) I was single and woman gave me her number or similar I think I'd know what to do with it.

When approaching, I think it's possible for a woman to be TOO direct with some men. Cut right to the sexuality stuff - some guys will eat that up and be like "sure thing!" but others will find it off-putting. Probably the woman feels like she is just being "direct" and "bold" and thus matching the (stereotyped) masculine "style". While that's true, there are some guys who can't process that well. Generally I think it's better to move step-by-step, e.g. conversation, rapport, perhaps some light touching, deepening initial pair-bonding, THEN physical intimacy and/or suggestions thereof.

Many men would be too suspicious of a woman who is too direct like that. Assuming they'd be otherwise attracted to her. If she looks like a giant forest hog, then they'd just laugh and dismiss her advances period.

Edited November 7, 2020 by Trail Blazer

November 7, 2020

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Why do most men get this image of a woman slinking up to a man and start rubbing his chest with sexual overtones? That isn't what this is about.

I understand that this thread is more general. I was just making a point that was on my mind. There are women who can be quite brazen, although yes, that isn't the usual case.

November 7, 2020

Like with most things, “it depends...”

If a man is attracted to a woman and she approaches him, I think he would be very appreciative.

That’s not to say I believe that approaching a guy, or even how you approach a guy, has no impact on his attraction to you. As illustrated above, in a lot of places/situations it could break convention to the point ‘red flags’ might go up in a man’s head. Even depending on his opinion of your attractiveness relative to his, he might think there’s something wrong with you or you’re playing a prank on him.

He might just be a man who prefers to do the ‘chasing’ and a woman pursuing him is a turn off.

As for your experience, correlation does not imply causation. They could have not been attracted you for a completely other reasons. In both cases I have approached men, a long-term relationship came of it. I won’t go as far as to say asking them out increased their attraction to me. However, it is interesting to note that in both cases the men seemed to take amusement in relay the tale about how I was the one who pursued them.

Edited November 7, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

November 7, 2020

I do. My wife and I sort of approached me and I am sure glad she did.

November 7, 2020

If you are randomly approaching people--men approaching women or women approaching men--then the vast majority of approaches will "fail" in the sense that nothing magical happens.

But for many people, they just take a small move. A woman smiles at a guy. Is that an approach? A woman says hi. Guy responds. Or guy says hi and woman smiles. In other words, the best way for either gender to approach is often through small steps. Take a step. See what the response is like.

I go to dances where traditionally guys are "leaders" and women are "follows." Yes, most of the time men will ask women to dance. But that's only on the surface. Because what really happens is a guy like me will look at around, notice someone who isn't dancing who I want to approach. I will approach. So I'm taking the initiative right? No so fast! What women at dances do is as follows. They will make eye contact and notice me coming towards them. That indicates they are open to me asking them to dance. And when they aren't interested in me approaching them, they'll move. They turn their vision in a different direction, start walking as if to meet someone else. The reality is they see the man approaching them. They stand still if they're interested. They move and avoid all eye contact if they're not.

So in reality, I'm looking around, looking for women who don't move. I'm looking for women who are showing interest. Am I really taking the initiative here?

In addition to the above, there is the direct approach of a woman directly asking me to dance. That's fine. Once we're dancing, the only question is, am I enjoying the dance? Doesn't matter if I've approached her or she me. If there's chemistry on the dance floor, I'm in bliss. If there isn't, it's an OK dance. Basically this applies in real life as well.

November 7, 2020

5 hours ago, Alvi said:

They would say things like: "You are great but I already have a girlfriend, I am busy at work, I am not looking for a relationship, blah, blah, blah." Basically tell me any white lie as to why they don't want to date me.

Sometimes the reasons are legit. They may already be in a relationship. Or not have time to date. And sometimes you're right, they may not be interested at all.

Guys have been putting up with this problem since day dot. Even if you've got a lot going for you, you'll still fail more times than you will be successful.

November 8, 2020

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I understand that this thread is more general. I was just making a point that was on my mind. There are women who can be quite brazen, although yes, that isn't the usual case.

Been to many parties where this has happened. It's embarrassing, especially if it's a new friend or coworker that was invited, ugh!

November 8, 2020

I don't think it's that complicated... I like it if I'm interested in the girl, and I'm flattered if I'm not into her. (But I'll still say no)

I do have to say that in online dating (not Tinder, but the websites where you can send anyone a message) I probably reject 90% of the women there. It's not at all because they approached me first... I just wasn't attracted to them. I don't know why but most women who approach me online are the ones I'm not interested in. That's also why I prefer the apps with a matching system

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