stillafool Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 Basically you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It just doesn't work and you have to accept it. 5
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, diana9 said: Okay we talked a little. He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. He always felt like this that having a child can be stressful and hard. The man is 37...he acted like he was 19. He's had 37 years to "experience things." He's blowing smoke up yer butt saying he wants kids some day....or at least trying to convince himself he will. The right man knows he wants kids WITH YOU. Now if you were say 25 I wouldn't much, but you being in your early 30's, this isn't the time to take such chances. Edited November 6, 2020 by smackie9 1
kendahke Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 15 hours ago, diana9 said: Yes, I am thinking about it. He says that he wants a relationship, he knows that he is in a serious age but does not want to plan much ahead and not to rush. He doesn't want children. He's told you. Wishful thinking on your part or ignoring what he's saying because the sex is so good isn't going to change his mind. It would be highly unfair to any child you conceive to continue with him knowing on 11/6/20 that he feels this way. That's not a risk that should be borne on the psyche of a child. Find another guy who is open to children--be fair to any future children you may have by having two parents who want them more than the next breath they take. 1
kendahke Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 4 hours ago, diana9 said: He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. He always felt like this that having a child can be stressful and hard. Translation: I don't want the sex train to leave the station, so I'll tell her whatever I need to say to keep the train at the station. meanwhile, 10 years goes by and the parameters are on opposite sides of the universe. He's blowing smoke up your veejayjay. 3 2
Author diana9 Posted November 6, 2020 Author Posted November 6, 2020 27 minutes ago, smackie9 said: The man is 37...he acted like he was 19. He's had 37 years to "experience things." He's blowing smoke up yer butt saying he wants kids some day....or at least trying to convince himself he will. The right man knows he wants kids WITH YOU. Now if you were say 25 I wouldn't much, but you being in your early 30's, this isn't the time to take such chances. Yes, I also think that now that he is in a state of a mind of 19 year old. 25 minutes ago, kendahke said: Translation: I don't want the sex train to leave the station, so I'll tell her whatever I need to say to keep the train at the station. meanwhile, 10 years goes by and the parameters are on opposite sides of the universe. He's blowing smoke up your veejayjay. I also think it is the truth. He said today that he is ready for a serious relationship just not ready for a child, but I think that his reaction says that there is more to that. I am a woman, it is my body I should be scared of it and I want a man who will react normally to that situation like okay I am freaking out but what will we do. He also mentioned that one day he would like to travel with his friends and not have possessive problems because he had those kind of problems in previous relationships. Oh my God..
smackie9 Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 2 minutes ago, diana9 said: He also mentioned that one day he would like to travel with his friends and not have possessive problems because he had those kind of problems in previous relationships. Oh my God.. George Takei says OH MY!
Miss Spider Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, kendahke said: He's blowing smoke up your veejayjay. Hahah once again, I love your figures of speech so much. He could just not want a family right now, 4 months into it. But I agree with the consensus that it if you do want kids, it’s a better idea not to put your eggs in this basket Edited November 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
kendahke Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 5 hours ago, diana9 said: He also mentioned that one day he would like to travel with his friends and not have possessive problems because he had those kind of problems in previous relationships. He's sounding more and more like someone who is not compatible with you. It's best you find this out now rather than years down the road and you've got a baby he doesn't want anything to do with--or worse: he's emotionally abusive toward it. 2 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I think it's responsible to realize when you're not ready to have kids. That's just my opinion. Are you saying you do want kids and that you want them now? If so, you guys aren't compatible. If you do want children and he never wants them, then this isn't a match. I think you guys need to talk. If he never wants an oopsie, he should probably have a vasectomy and tell any future girlfriends about it, but that's for him, for his future. If you want children in your future and he never does, you can't keep wondering if you'll have an accident and worrying that he might not be into it. That will honestly be a disaster and your child will pay the price. 2
Author diana9 Posted November 7, 2020 Author Posted November 7, 2020 8 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I wouldn't say it's a red flag. I think it's responsible to realize when you're not ready to have kids. That's just my opinion. Are you saying you do want kids and that you want them now? If so, you guys aren't compatible. If you do want children and he never wants them, then this isn't a match. I think you guys need to talk. If he never wants an oopsie, he should probably have a vasectomy and tell any future girlfriends about it, but that's for him, for his future. If you want children in your future and he never does, you can't keep wondering if you'll have an accident and worrying that he might not be into it. That will honestly be a disaster and your child will pay the price. I don't want kids at the moment, I want them of course but I am 32 years old and what scares me is that he said that he wants children much much late, because I don't when it will be or if this is just an excuse. With all that talk about experiencing life and that he wants to travel with his buddies and not having problems with that, I am wondering where am I there. He also mentioned few times that I should take birth control pills because he is an anxious person and also he is afraid of std's, he won't go down on me until I am tested .How can I be relaxed, now I am wondering what if condom brakes it is a path to disaster. I feel awful, not like a person anymore, just a woman who if accidentally got pregnant her boyfriend will flip out.
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 He's already at an age ie over 35, where having children for him poses an extra and increasing risk to both the child and the mother. So how old will he be when he finally decides to settle down? I have no problem with people wanting to do their own thing and not wishing to be tied down, but why mess with you when you are obviously a person looking for a long term partner? Women can often use up all their fertile years with guys like this, hoping he will change his mind... 2
Fletch Lives Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 Women are generally more interested in popping out babies than men. Often, in relationships, the guy will accept kids later down the road.
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 12 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Women are generally more interested in popping out babies than men. Often, in relationships, the guy will accept kids later down the road. OK I get that but this guy at 37 is still at the "I wanna go travelling with my buddies" stage. 3
Author diana9 Posted November 7, 2020 Author Posted November 7, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, elaine567 said: OK I get that but this guy at 37 is still at the "I wanna go travelling with my buddies" stage. Yes, that is the problem, he wants to experience things and not to have problems again with his travelling with buddies, and I don't think that he will plan anything serious soon. And I want a person where we will experience things together and who will travel with me because I like it too. Edited November 7, 2020 by diana9
Ruby Slippers Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 Your intuition is spot on. Every man I've been involved with, when he we had the talk about what we'd do if I accidentally got pregnant, said he'd ask me to marry him and we'd go from there. It's 100% natural not to want to have sex with a man who has any other stance. At 32, you don't have time to waste with this guy. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 4 hours ago, diana9 said: With all that talk about experiencing life and that he wants to travel with his buddies and not having problems with that, I am wondering where am I there. Good question. He's warning you that this isn't long-term without specifically saying that he doesn't see you in his future. I would end it here. You're going to get even more hurt if you continue dating him. 2 1
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 1 hour ago, diana9 said: And I want a person where we will experience things together and who will travel with me because I like it too. Exactly, and you will take your kids when they arrive, with you.. Travelling with buddies is all about alcohol, partying, clubbing and sex, basically... 3
stillafool Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Travelling with buddies is all about alcohol, partying, clubbing and sex, basically... This is exactly what he meant. He's admitted to wanting to be a 20 year old so of course travelling with his buddies means chasing young girls as well. This isn't looking good. 3
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 You should be dating someone that wants you to be a part of their life, share their life with you, and make future plans in the right direction, not exclude you from travel, etc. What he's showing you is a big blank space of the unknown. You ain't got time for that. 1
FMW Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 Wanting to travel with his buddies is a much bigger red flag in my book. There's really no other way to interpret that than he doesn't want to have commitments to anyone, he wants to be free to do as he pleases. 1
Watercolors Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 On 11/6/2020 at 5:19 AM, diana9 said: Okay we talked a little. He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. He always felt like this that having a child can be stressful and hard. *sigh* Diana it's obvious from this situation that he doesn't consider you to be the woman he wants to have children with. I'm sorry for that bad news. The question is: why are you still with him? He doesn't see you as the woman to bear his children with. And this is at the 4 month mark. He's doing you a favor. He's giving you information that you and he are not compatible and if you ignore it and plead with him and try to coerce him into believing you are the woman, you're only doing yourself a disservice here, because you are investing your emotional time and physical energy towards a man who is flat out rejecting you. The "parameters" that he's indirectly referencing, means "the right woman," which you are not..for him anyway. You and he do not match. For whatever reason. But you will find the right man as long as you let go of this man. He's not interested in you long-term and the sooner you accept that and break up with him, the happier you will be in the long run. Where people get into trouble with their relationships, is when they spend their time trying to convince their partner to love and accept them. But that doesn't work when the partner is incompatible, i.e. emotionally unavailable. It's like, trying to convince a square peg, that it will fit into a round hole. It's a futile endeavor because 1) why are you chasing someone who rejects you and 2) great sex doesn't equal emotional compatibility; it just means it's great sex. He's emotionally unavailable to you and he's actually showing you through his actions, that he's not emotionally connected to you. It's up to you to draw the line and walk away, or stay and throw away your time convincing someone who isn't interested in having children with you, that he should give you a chance because you want to have children.
Watercolors Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 6 hours ago, diana9 said: Yes, that is the problem, he wants to experience things and not to have problems again with his travelling with buddies, and I don't think that he will plan anything serious soon. And I want a person where we will experience things together and who will travel with me because I like it too. And you are staying with him because?! Look he doesn't want to commit to you for the long haul. He wants to be a bachelor and party with his buddies and not commit to anything right now. If this isn't a clear indicator that he's incompatible with you, then, I don't know how else to convince you that you are throwing away your time with the wrong man. 1
Author diana9 Posted November 7, 2020 Author Posted November 7, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: And you are staying with him because?! Look he doesn't want to commit to you for the long haul. He wants to be a bachelor and party with his buddies and not commit to anything right now. If this isn't a clear indicator that he's incompatible with you, then, I don't know how else to convince you that you are throwing away your time with the wrong man. I know, we had a talk and he said that those parameters mean that he wants to be with me just doesn't want children now. I think at the moment that we are breaking up because I said that that relationship looks to me like a casual one and that I don't want that. 1
Watercolors Posted November 7, 2020 Posted November 7, 2020 52 minutes ago, diana9 said: I know, we had a talk and he said that those parameters mean that he wants to be with me just doesn't want children now. I think at the moment that we are breaking up because I said that that relationship looks to me like a casual one and that I don't want that. Good. I know breakups suck but consider yourself fortunate. Now you'll be available for the man who is compatible with you; you won't have to chase that man or convince him to accept you because he naturally will. 4 months is a bit of time but it's not 4 years. You dodged a bullet here. 1
kendahke Posted November 8, 2020 Posted November 8, 2020 On 11/7/2020 at 5:53 AM, diana9 said: Yes, that is the problem, he wants to experience things and not to have problems again with his travelling with buddies, and I don't think that he will plan anything serious soon. And I want a person where we will experience things together and who will travel with me because I like it too. then he's not the guy to invest in, is he?
Recommended Posts