diana9 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Hello everyone. I met someone and we have been dating for four months. I like him very much and we spent quite time together. When we had relationship talk, he said that I am his girlfriend and that we are in a relationship. We use protection but last time we had sex he quite panicked because the condom moved a little bit, and after that we had a little talk about what would happened if I got pregnant. And he said that he would go crazy, because kids are responsibilty and so on but I am afraid that he won't change because he is 37 years old. I feel quite bad because I am not ready for children yet but his response is making me like I should consider this as a red flag? Any advice appreciated.
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, diana9 said: we had a little talk about what would happened if I got pregnant. And he said that he would go crazy, because kids are responsibilty and so on but I am afraid that he won't change because he is 37 years old. Ok, can you use more protection? Contraception/STDs safety is important while dating 16 weeks, however family talk is a bit premature. Do you want a husband, family one day? That's fine but it seems that is not on his agenda anytime soon.
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 In his panic, he showed you what he really feels about kids. If you want kids, then this is not the guy for you. 7 1
Author diana9 Posted November 5, 2020 Author Posted November 5, 2020 I understand it but it bothers me that maybe he won't be ready for kids with me and that I am maybe wasting time. I want a husband and a family one day. Maybe this talk is premature but I think that is better to know now, and not to waste my time. And also his tripping about getting pregnant is putting me off. 1
FMW Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 My impression from reading your opening post was that he just wasn't ready to commit to having children with YOU at only four months in. I think that's reasonable. Bring up the topic of kids with him again and see if you can get a better idea of where his head is at - if it's just right now in a new relationship or if it's more than that. In my opinion, four months is too soon to be ready to commit to having children with a specific person (and so him freaking out thinking you might have gotten pregnant isn't that unusual), but not too soon to have a discussion about the topic of having children in general. 5
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 1 minute ago, FMW said: My impression from reading your opening post was that he just wasn't ready to commit to having children with YOU at only four months in. I think that's reasonable. Agree. "I think the condom slipped, what if I got pregnant", is not the way to introduce the subject of wanting a family one day. At a calm time lay out your goals and values. 2
Author diana9 Posted November 5, 2020 Author Posted November 5, 2020 Thank you but my impression is that he does not want children anytime soon, not because it is four months. He said imagine baby is crying omg and that he would like to be twenty years old again and I felt quite awful. 2
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 At 37 he will be well aware of his position on having kids. He is unlikely to change his mind. Having kids is hard enough without having to drag along a reluctant partner. 5
kendahke Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) I can understand being scared in the moment, but it was a bit extreme. You both need to take more care in how you're going to approach birth control--you both need to make sure things are in place to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. 1 hour ago, diana9 said: I feel quite bad because I am not ready for children yet but his response is making me like I should consider this as a red flag? I think you've been put on notice that he really means that he doesn't want children and an oopsy pregnancy isn't going to go over well. Like I said you both need to be extra vigilant if you're going to continue to see each other. You now can't claim you don't know how he feels if you should fall pregnant. Edited November 5, 2020 by kendahke 1
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 it's a no brainer you need to stop wasting your time with this guy. Him: doesn't want kids, You: not yet but sometime...=not a match 5
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Tip: when using condoms, you should use a spermicidal foam or cream just in case it breaks or slips off. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 58 minutes ago, diana9 said: He said imagine baby is crying omg and that he would like to be twenty years old again and I felt quite awful. Run 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 At 37 his position regarding children is unlikely to change. the more time you spend with him the more time you waste not moving closer to eventual children & marriage. Since he's 37, assuming you are over 30, your biological clock is ticking. You can clarify if he never wants children at all or if his panic was solely about the idea of being tied to you forever "by accident" because the relationship ship was too new. I suspect the former but you do need to know. Then you can make a decision about what is best for you when it comes to your hopes & dreams. 2
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 You can't assume everyone wants to get married and have kids. It's a subject that should be brought up early enough when you know there is serious potential with that person.
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You can't assume everyone wants to get married and have kids. It's a subject that should be brought up early enough when you know there is serious potential with that person. Little point of anyone hanging around for 6 months to find one or the other doesn't want kids...
stillafool Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 How old are you OP? Whatever your age it doesn't matter this man has stated he does not want kids. You can't make him change your mind. You do so you two are not compatible. End it now before you accidentally get pregnant and all hell breaks loose. Find a man who wants what you want.
stillafool Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 3 hours ago, diana9 said: And also his tripping about getting pregnant is putting me off. Why? He isn't your husband. He's smart to be concerned about not getting you pregnant if he doesn't want kids. 1
stillafool Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Run I agree. Sooner or later he will be looking at 19 year olds. 2
Author diana9 Posted November 6, 2020 Author Posted November 6, 2020 35 minutes ago, stillafool said: How old are you OP? Whatever your age it doesn't matter this man has stated he does not want kids. You can't make him change your mind. You do so you two are not compatible. End it now before you accidentally get pregnant and all hell breaks loose. Find a man who wants what you want. He is 37 I am 32 years old. Yes, I am thinking about it. He says that he wants a relationship, he knows that he is in a serious age but does not want to plan much ahead and not to rush.
Interstellar Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 (edited) I don’t think your values match. You want kids and he doesn’t. You’ll just waste your time with him. Edited November 6, 2020 by Interstellar 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 He doesn’t want kids. It’s very obvious now. if you do, you’re with the wrong man. There’s really no other way to slice it. 1
Author diana9 Posted November 6, 2020 Author Posted November 6, 2020 Okay we talked a little. He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. He always felt like this that having a child can be stressful and hard.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 6 minutes ago, diana9 said: Okay we talked a little. He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. He always felt like this that having a child can be stressful and hard. He's already 37. I wouldn't bank on this happening, diana. Sorry. 5 1
stillafool Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: He's already 37. I wouldn't bank on this happening, diana. Sorry. I agree. He may want children one day but not with you. He can afford to wait it out because he's a man. At 32 you can't afford to wait until his "someday" plan. If you want kids you should be starting soon. He could marry a 25 year old and still have his "someday". Look it is what it is and it's up to you to decide what is most important to you. 1
Caauug Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 14 hours ago, diana9 said: He is 37 I am 32 years old. Yes, I am thinking about it. He says that he wants a relationship, he knows that he is in a serious age but does not want to plan much ahead and not to rush. No planning and no rush? Ok, you have not been dating long and don't know each other that much. But.... when will be a "Time is Right" for him? 5 yrs? maybe 10 yrs? That doesn't really match with your clock does it? Actions speak louder than words, he has shown you enough.... He's not on the same page as you are...… Maybe not even the same book... 3 hours ago, diana9 said: He does want to have children someday, but he wants to experience more things and to have children much later and when parameters match. So he's 37 now, say in 10 yrs = 47yrs old has his first son..... his first legal beer he can have with his son is at age: 47+19 (outside some of USA) = 66yrs old.... (In USA) 47+21=68, that's nearly old enough to be the president!!!! Children are not on everyone's "Bucket List".... He has shown you kids are not on his bucket list.
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