Am I the problem?

[veggie]

Hi all! I just need to get something off my chest and would be happy about any input, if any of you feel like commenting. Lately I have come to the conclusion that I might be too irritable. I definitely have a low self-esteem and I'm my own biggest judge and I'm wondering how much this is interfering with my personal relationships.

Here is an example of what happened tonight: it was the birthday of a good friend of mine and he wanted to organize a small gathering of close friends (within the covid guidelines of the country where I live). However, he doesn't have a living room in his flat, which is why my flatmate and I offered to do it at our place. Everyone arrived more or less on time, except a friend of ours who is always very upset when someone is late. She did notify us that she would be a bit late, but didn't specify the time. When asked if she was coming for dinner, she didn't answer. In the end, she was more than two hours late. She called me after two hours but for some reason she couldn't hear me on the phone and then hung up. I promptly went to check the messages we had exchanged and noticed that I had mistakenly given her the wrong house number (I have my head in the clouds sometimes) and texted her the right one. A few minutes later she arrived, visibly upset because I had given her the wrong number, which I apologised for. She then went on to say that it was my fault that she was late, which certainly couldn't have been the case. It would've made sense if she had been late a few minutes, not more than two hours. The conversation quickly moved on, as we were playing a boardgame when she arrived. However, she brought it up over and over again during the night and also criticised other small things (that we should've sung happy birthday longer before cutting the cake, that my flatmate and I should've cooked something too although it had been our friend's wish to just order pizza, etc.). At some point she blurted out in front of everyone: "I just have to say something: the two of you are the worst hosts I've ever seen." I was totally shocked when she said that, because I'm the sort of person that would never voice any criticism in such a direct way, let alone in front of other people. I looked at my flatmate who was clearly as clueless as I was about what she meant. I asked "why do you say that?" to which she brought up the wrong address again (for the fifth time?). At that point I couldn't hold it in any longer and replied in a sort of aggressive manner: "Well, it's also not okay of you to arrive two hours late and blame it on me."  It's probably hard to imagine this sentence being aggressive, but I guess my tone of voice and body language spoke for themselves. I don't like to lose my composure in front of others. And here is why I asked if the problem is me: All the while, my flatmate didn't lose his cool at all. He was confused about her remarks, but brushed them off, exactly because they didn't make sense to him. Whereas I took everything she said personally and reacted in a way I really don't like to react. This has happened multiple times with this friend now and usually it's about small and insignificant things. As someone who is constantly overanalysing everything everybody says, I feel like I'm maybe too sensitive and too judgemental. I seem to see everyone's flaws, but especially my own, more clearly than others. And I get defensive whenever someone points them out to me, or criticises me in any way. Does that make sense? Am I truly the problem? And how can I snap out of it?

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. :) I appreciate it.  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

 

I don't sense anything measurable that you need to 'correct' in your stance.

 

Obviously there are many variables relating to the scenario you describe, but none of them are 'red flags'  from this point of view.

 

[Wiseman2]

This just seems like a miscommunication about time/place blown way out of proportion by everyone drinking. Too bad it ruined your friends birthday party.

Next time, only invite people over who you are friends with. 

This has nothing to do with all these much deeper issues. It has to do with biting off more than you could handle and a very disorganized mess of a party.

[veggie]

Thank you both for your replies, SincereOnlineGuy and Wiseman2! 

I'm an overthinker and will always look at a situation and try to figure out what I could have done differently, so it's good to read your input. 

 

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This just seems like a miscommunication about time/place blown way out of proportion by everyone drinking.

There was not much drinking involved, it was just a small gathering with a handful of friends and a bit of wine. The time was clearly communicated. In regards to the place, my friend had been at my flat once before, but she couldn't remember exactly where on the street it was. And I made the mistake of only giving her the number of the apartment, but not of the street number. I corrected the mistake as soon as I saw it. 

 

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Next time, only invite people over who you are friends with. 

Everyone who was invited is also friends with me, so that wasn't the issue. 

 

I felt like she was exaggerating the situation, as my mistake doesn't justify her being more than two hours late and I also was quick to correct it and apologised for it. Later she mentioned she had been to another birthday dinner before coming over to ours, so clearly this was the reason she was late. It also seemed a bit harsh to me to call us the worst hosts she had ever seen due to that mistake. This was when I snapped. However, I'm not happy with my reaction either. I would've liked to take her criticism more calmly, like my flatmate did and not react to it in a semi-aggressive manner. I'd like to be able not to take things that personally, I guess.  

[Wiseman2]

Distance yourself from "friends" who irritate you. Stop the right-fighting. It's going in circles.

You are both wrong. You gave her the wrong address, hung up on her then kept fighting at a supposedly fun event.

Learn to let things go.

[veggie]

Yes, I agree that I have to learn how to let things go. How do I go about it though? Often my overanalysing brain just won't let me haha. 

 

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You gave her the wrong address, hung up on her then kept fighting at a supposedly fun event.

Yes, the wrong address was definitely my mistake, which I apologised for. I wasn't the one who hung up on her though, she hung up the phone, because she couldn't hear me. I then read through the messages we had exchanged earlier, noticed my mistake and corrected it. 

I certainly didn't want to fight over it, but she kept bringing it up. In what way could I have reacted in order to stop the negativitiy and just have fun?

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, veggie said:

Yes, I agree that I have to learn how to let things go. How do I go about it though? Often my overanalysing brain just won't let me haha. 

 

Yes, the wrong address was definitely my mistake, which I apologised for. I wasn't the one who hung up on her though, she hung up the phone, because she couldn't hear me. I then read through the messages we had exchanged earlier, noticed my mistake and corrected it. 

I certainly didn't want to fight over it, but she kept bringing it up. In what way could I have reacted in order to stop the negativitiy and just have fun?

It takes 2 to drag out an argument. Be gracious and let it go.

Accept responsibility for your role/mistakes instead of all the right-fighting. Then drop it.

It's not about "overthinking", it's about keeping your ego in check. Learn diplomacy and that being right isn't always the best approach.

But, but, but...she kept.... 

Just let it go. If you don't like this person, pull back and relax.

[veggie]

Alright, thanks for your honest advice   I'll take it to heart and try not to let my ego get in the way so much. 

I do like this person a lot though, sometimes I just have difficulties to deal with the way she voices her criticisms, as we're very different in that regard (she's very outspoken and I'm more reserved). Maybe a bit of distance to gain some perspective is not a bad idea though, as lately we have been spending a lot of time together. 

[d0nnivain]

You have to recognize that she is overly critical & sensitive too.  You both overreacted.  Her by saying what she did & bringing up the wrong house # over & over after you apologized & you for letting it get to you as much as it did.  There was just too much rawness.  

Let things simmer down.  In the future recognize that she will be persnickety but don't let it get to you.  It's how she is.  You won't change her.  If you can't accept her put some distance in here.   

[Watercolors]

Yes, you both screwed up and both got mad at each other for feeling like the other person wasn’t genuinely sympathetic to the other’s plight. It was wrong of her to tell you she was late b/c she prioritized another person’s birthday party over your party. And it was a mistake for you to give her your apartment number instead of street number. 

You and she are two opposite personality types. You’re more empathetic and sensitive, whereas she’s more about the superficial and instant gratification. If this pattern has existed for the entirety of the friendship, I’d probably just downgrade her from friend to acquaintance if her personality bothers you that much. I’ve done that when I’ve reached my limits with friends. I just either cut them loose or downgrade and fade them out. I can’t be bothered putting up with nonsense. 

[MsJayne]

She didn't let you know whether or not she would be there for dinner, didn't mention she was going to another dinner, and if she couldn't find your place and your 'phone didn't work why didn't she just ring the birthday boy/girl who she is presumably friends with and who was at your place?  You didn't deliberately give the wrong address, (but it sounds like maybe you should have ).  Then she proceeds to give out bad vibes by petty criticising and repeatedly bringing up the address thing.  I'd cut this 'friend' loose, she sounds like a downer.