Waldo P Schmeer Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 I am a man in my 30s. I don't have children. I have a really good job where I have accumulated something that I quite frankly never had, but never lacked: a respectable reputation. I have people that I mentor, and I have people who were kind enough to take me under their wings. As my life has fallen in place for the last 5 years, I am just now starting to come to the idea that I would like to have someone to share it with. A partner in crime- someone who I can plan trips and weekend getaways with, or just skate around the kitchen in our socks cooking. To be perfectly honest and clear, for the last 3 years, I have had the pleasure of being friends with the most beautiful and amazing woman of my world. She has humility and modesty. She's so intelligent and has taught me so much about art, and history, and ANYTHING. We spend hours talking about history and sciences and our favorite movies or shows. We joke around and do christmas and birthdays. Before the pandemic, we'd leave stupid little notes and jokes at each other's desks. Now that we are all virtual like most of the rest of the world, we chat all day while working. I have never understood or believed ideas like "broken hearts" or "thinking about someone every second of the day". But I get it now. God almighty, I finally found out how this feels in my 30s. She is the first thought in my mind when I get up, and the last thing I see when I close my eyes at night. She doesn't intimidate me. At all. I wish that I could be around her all the time, or just spend hours talking on the phone at night. However, I am terrified that if she can't return my feelings, she might run or I can lose her. It almost happened! When we first met, we hung out and had what felt like a date in MY head, but obviously was just a hang out in hers lol! I told her that I think that she's wonderful and that I would like an opportunity to maybe see her romantically. She did not return those feelings- and that's ok. Although I went home feeling sick for weeks after it and couldn't do much but lay down and play catch with my ceiling, I understood. And things DID become weird after and we talked very little. Some time passed and we are back on talking terms and having fun. So obviously, it seems we're just friends and that's all. So I feel trapped out of ever approaching her again, because maybe next time she may run for good. This sucks, this hurts. I feel like I am trying to keep a room full of fans blowing air from toppling a house of cards. I don't even know if I need advice here. I don't. I just needed to vent a little because my heart is feeling too small for everything it has to carry right now. After the kind of life that I have lived, I now realized that my life is infinitely better because of her presence in it and I am ridiculously grateful for the chance to ever have met her. And the day where we don't know each other will be very noticeable to me and she will leave a gaping hole in my heart that I am going to spent time nursing. I am at least far enough in my life where I can recognize these kinds of things when they are coming. Take care of each other.
Maldives Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Word of advice I'm nearly 50 and learnt this the hard way like you...remember these words..."U can never be friends with a woman you have romantic feelings for" 3 3
Wiseman2 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) Sorry to hear that. Don't orbit around in the friend zone if what you want and are ready for is a GF. It seems like you are work pals in her eyes You'll have to meet women through groups,clubs,interests, volunteering,etc. Additionally, get on some quality (paid) dating apps with a good profile and pics and start messaging and meeting women. Edited November 5, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Miss Spider Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) Thanks for sharing. I liked how you so eloquently described your feelings for your friend. It must be nice, albeit bittersweet, to have someone in your life who elicits those feelings. I hope it works out for you. From what I’ve read, being in the position you are in is a tough place to be. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but from what I’ve seen, most of the time they don’t make the transition. That’s what it’s inadvisable to continue being friends with you like romantically unless you are okay with staying that way Edited November 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
Fletch Lives Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 You are in love with her. But she only sees you as a friend, and probably always will. It's a classic mismatch - your feelings don't match, so it's just not a match. Date other women to find a love match. You might have to cut contact so you can move on from her, sorry to say. You are lovesick over her. 1
schlumpy Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Let me echo that you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. It's just mental torture. If you are set on her and will have no one else then I suggest you tell her that you can't be chummy any longer because you have to move on. She already knows you are interested so the ball in her court. Keep everything straight up and professional. Then you wait. If she changes her mind, she will let you know. I also suggest that you take that time to try to detach your feelings from her because you will have to move on at some point. Things will work themselves out.
smackie9 Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 This is a sad topic, and is a very common one. Out of balance attraction makes us even more obsessed because we know we can't have them. On a funny note, I'm getting sexy lingerie ads on this thread...why is that? lol
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 Alas I have to agree. She thinks the issue is settled & you are just friends. You want more but that will never be. Put some distance in this friendship for a while. Put effort into finding a GF who likes you back. Once you do that, her friendship won't hurt so much 1
Interstellar Posted November 5, 2020 Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) 45 minutes ago, smackie9 said: On a funny note, I'm getting sexy lingerie ads on this thread...why is that? lol I was gonna ask you the same thing, is there anything you’d like to tell us, hmmm...? this is why I have a healthy dose of cynicism with everyone I meet. to avoid building up this idealized image of this person in my head and to remain grounded in reality. as a man I know it sucks to be rejected, all men know that feeling, but you should’ve kept your mouth shut about your feelings my friend and just enjoyed the ride. Edited November 5, 2020 by Interstellar
Author Waldo P Schmeer Posted November 5, 2020 Author Posted November 5, 2020 14 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: Thanks for sharing. I liked how you so eloquently described your feelings for your friend. It must be nice, albeit bittersweet, to have someone in your life who elicits those feelings. I hope it works out for you. From what I’ve read, being in the position you are in is a tough place to be. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but from what I’ve seen, most of the time they don’t make the transition. That’s what it’s inadvisable to continue being friends with you like romantically unless you are okay with staying that way Hey! Thank you. Yea, I was thinking about everyone's response today and everyone is right. I guess I just thought by this stage in my life I would be immune to this feeling. One of the things that has helped me get myself carried away is that I have finally begun to understand music again and those silly little chiches like being able to "build" your dream woman- because that's exactly how I'd make her. But our job got made permanently work from home so I will see her less and less. And I guess that will help. Just never realized I'd be dealing with it this tough at my age I can't believe that this feeling actually gets worse. But I will bounce back. Always have! Thank you so much for taking the time to talk w me!
Versacehottie Posted November 6, 2020 Posted November 6, 2020 I think it's mostly a lost cause unfortunately. However, the only thing that will maybe help is a shake up. You have to date someone else that you really care about as well (maybe not as much at first which is understandable) and don't be fake about it because that is bad karma and not cool to do to another human. And if she has feelings for you that are romantic they might come to the surface when she is faced with losing you. It's a long shot but best chance is make it happen. The overall point is that you need to show her that you are moving on with where you put your romantic feelings and attention. That will sometimes cause people to come to their senses about a relationship. Don't get your hopes up too much and be cautious that she is not someone who pulls you back to still keep you in the friend zone--put it like this, she gets one chance to pull you back, that's it. I often make comments when people rely too much on things they've seen in the movies that aren't real life. I've seen this happen in movies obviously AND more than a few times in real life. There's not a guarantee BUT I do think if you want things to change, it's the only way, I've seen it change. You change, then other things/people around you change. It takes forward motion, moving on--which ultimately IS a win-win. If it doesn't work for getting this girl to return or realize romantic feelings for you, you will be on the first step of finding that love with someone who DOES return the feeling. Good luck
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