What should I think? What should I do?

[Queenz07]

I met a guy back in May. I saw him on a mutual friends snapchat and decided to "shoot my shot". The mutual friend ultimately tricked me into messaging and following him on social media. When I introduced my self to the guy and said I got his information from our mutual friend he told me that the mutual friend never even told him I was interested in him (as he told me he did tell him) so after we laughed about that we exchanged numbers and began going back and forth in communication. We met up a week later for drinks at my house (this was during lock down for Covid so going out for drinks wasnt really an option.) We had a great night, we talked alot and the vibes were definitely great. From then we continued to talk and text. He is very involved in the community and works 3 jobs and is also a mentor to a couple of kids in the community as well. He told me upfront about his schedule being super busy while trying to juggle all of the things he had going on in his life. He also told me he isnt looking for anything serious for the moment because he just got out of a relationship and he felt like she stopped him from accomplishing all that he wanted to accomplish. I was a little devastated after he told me that and was hesitant on continuing communication with him because how long was I supposed to wait until he was ready. I took some time to figure out what I was okay with settling for and decided that the way fate brought us together and how well we clicked that I want to continue to get to know him. Since that conversation, He would often visit for small amounts of time. This frustrated me because often during these small visits we would have sex. Although it wasnt like this all the time, i began feeling used for sex because he would often have to leave and go to one of his many jobs. I spoke up about it and he told me that I he apologizes but this is just his life. I dealt with this for a couple of months until I finally just got tired of this routine and began talking to something else. As i started talking to that other person, my communication fell off with the original guy I was talking to. As this happened he began texting and communicating with me more in the areas that I had fell off. A month went by with very sporadic communication and not seeing each other. When we finally saw each other again he spent the night for the first time ever. The sex was way more passionate with alot of kissing.During the night, he constantly held me or had to be touching me,and even though i hate cuddling all night, i missed him so much and I cherished that interaction so much that I cuddled with him all night. Now this time around I have been letting him lead the communication, we still havent been on dates but he is letting me into his life slowly. It has now been 6 months since we've first met and I am wondering if things are starting to change for him in regards to wanting a relationship but i am scared to ask. My friends tell me to let is ride out and dont ask but I also am very curious about how he feels about me. Im at a loss, I dont know what to do or what to think. It is the holiday season, are we to the point where we would go see the Christmas lights together? exchanging Christmas gifts? Any insight would be great.

[Wiseman2]

 Have you been invited to his place? Is he living with someone, married, still in a relationship? No don't buy Christmas gifts for a hookup.

[smackie9]

Number one no one is being used for sex if you are consenting to it and enjoying it. Sex is not a currency for relationships. The big red flag here is, there has been no discussion, there have been no dates, just 6 months of hanging/sex. That is a FWB arrangement and nothing more.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Queenz07 said:

I saw him on a mutual friends snapchat and decided to "shoot my shot". The mutual friend ultimately tricked me into messaging and following him on social media. 

If you decided to shoot your shot how did you friend trick you into messaging and following this guy on social media?  He did not use you for sex because you wanted it.  He was upfront that he didn't want a relationship but you still continued to sex him.  You are just a FWB.

[ThereSheGoes]

Girl. He said what he wanted. His behavior has proven to you what he wanted. No strings attached.  Men like emotional intimacy too, but it doesn't mean that they are willing to settle down with you. They have this uncanny ability to spend emotional time with you, yet not get anywhere near invested. I hate to say it, but you're a bit of a place holder for him right now. His life is very busy, he's trying to find himself after his last relationship, and it sounds like he just misses the intimacy of being with another human being. Don't confuse this with, he actually has feelings for you.

Now, if you have this conversation with him, he's more than likely going to run away. Because the worst thing you can do to a fling, is bring up how you feel.  You have to weigh your options. You can 1. Tell him how you feel, with a strong 90% chance of him running off afterwards. 2. Stay quiet and ride the wave, which will more than likely end with you feeling used and like you wasted a lot of time and effort with him. 3. Change your mindset.  Just think of it as what it is. Which is just sex. Because when things do end, you will see it coming, and not really care. Or 4. Drop him. Cease all communication. You don't even have to give him a reason, just block him.

This whole scenario is not going to turn out the way you envisioned. You can't make him commit to you. He's not going to change his mind about you. Maybe with someone else, but not with you. I'm sorry.

Edited November 4, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[ShyViolet]

Listen to what he said.  He is not interested in being with you.  "My life is very busy" plus "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" is code for NOT interested.  If he really wanted to be with you, trust me you would know.  He would be making you a priority.  How long do you want to settle for being his casual plaything, until he finds someone who he actually wants to be in a relationship with?

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Queenz07 said:

I was a little devastated after he told me that and was hesitant on continuing communication with him because how long was I supposed to wait until he was ready.

You aren't.

Don't expect devotion after one meeting. When he said that, that was your cue to put your expectations back on the leash and choke collar.

No matter how much "friend" time you spend with him, he's already told you that women who expect more get dropped off at the mall--he doesn't have time for it in his life right now.

Quote

often during these small visits we would have sex. Although it wasnt like this all the time, i began feeling used for sex.  When we finally saw each other again he spent the night for the first time ever. The sex was way more passionate with alot of kissing.During the night, he constantly held me or had to be touching me,

You weren't being used just because you didn't get your way.  You clearly wanted more out of him and thought you could sex him into a relationship he already told you he wasn't interested in having with you.  Also, you willingly took part in having sex, so no, you weren't used. At all.  You volunteered.

As long as sex is offered, he's going to help himself to some.

If you push the relationship thing with him, he's going to remind you that he told you at the start, up front, what was up. Doesn't matter how this all started, doesn't matter how you've attempted to manipulate him into a relationship--he's not checking for you like that.5w

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by kendahke

[ExpatInItaly]

I disagree with the friends telling you to ride it out.

You’ve been riding it out for 6 months. That’s plenty long enough. I feel that if  he’d wanted more, you’d know by now. He still enjoys your company and doesn’t want to lose the sex but I don’t think his stance on not wanting s relationship has changed. 

So no, I wouldn’t be making any plans to see Christmas lights together or exchange gifts. That’s for dating couples, and well, you’re neither dating nor a couple. 

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, Queenz07 said:

. He also told me he isnt looking for anything serious for the moment because he just got out of a relationship and he felt like she stopped him from accomplishing all that he wanted to accomplish.

He was very straightforward with you from day one about his intentions. He never lied or deceived you. Hate to ask, but if a guy tells you that he doesn't want anything serious, what do you expect? Besides sex that is.