Was this guy trying to trick me into what he truly wanted?

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

My BS meter is fine, hence my question here and me already deleting him.

I edited my post and deleted that.  Next time though, guy initiates contact who lives a distance away, best to just automatically block him, don't bother engaging at all, waste of time.  

Good luck. 

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[ladybug2021]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I edited my post and deleted that.  Next time though, guy initiates contact who lives a distance away, best to just automatically block him, don't bother engaging at all, waste of time.  

Good luck. 

The reason I engaged with him was because when I saw the distance on that App (that is for people who crossed paths locally), I though that perhaps he lives nearby but is away on holidays or work. But then he said he lives far away and said that about relocating, and that sounded weird to me. 

Next time I'll tell them something like "ok, call me after you relocate here. Bye".

[ShyViolet]

27 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

The only reason I considered was because he said he was considering moving back to my city (he used to live here and said all his family lives here). But now after all his dodgy requests I think that was just BS to get me hooked.

"considering moving to your city"?  No, still not enough of a reason to meet up with someone who lives so far away.  Moving is a huge decision and a huge process and takes time.  So many unknowns.

[ladybug2021]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

"considering moving to your city"?  No, still not enough of a reason to meet up with someone who lives so far away.  Moving is a huge decision and a huge process and takes time.  So many unknowns.

Exactly. That's why in my previous post I said next time someone says that I'll tell them "contact me after you relocate. Bye for now."

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ladybug2021 said:

Next time I'll tell them something like "ok, call me after you relocate here. Bye".

Sounds good.  But, when I did OLD, I didn't tell them anything, I just deleted them.  

Why?  I tried engaging, telling them just what you proposed or similar, and it only kept the drama going.  I became a bigger challenge, and they would try harder.  

The amount of BS I was forced to endure boggled the mind.  Enough of that and you learn to simply delete straight from the get-go.

Total waste of time.   

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

This is more of a vent right? My gut churned reading your post...the guy is pretty slimy. Some people eh? >.<

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't be interested in meeting this guy. 

He's too far away and he's already suggested a weekend-long date for the first meeting. No thanks. 

Next. 

100% agree. I learned not to bother with men who live elsewhere. You get messages from men in other cities, states, even countries. I frequently got messages from military guys deployed overseas. Beyond this, the obvious angling for sleeping over before you've even met makes him a double no-go.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

He wants something quick and easy, and I’m willing to bed the tactics he’s using have worked on women before. Good for you for not falling for it!

[ladybug2021]

34 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Sounds good.  But, when I did OLD, I didn't tell them anything, I just deleted them.  

Why?  I tried engaging, telling them just what you proposed or similar, and it only kept the drama going.  I became a bigger challenge, and they would try harder.  

The amount of BS I was forced to endure boggled the mind.  Enough of that and you learn to simply delete straight from the get-go.

Total waste of time.   

I didn't engage in any conversation with him. I told him this doesn't work for me and we are not a match so I wish him well. And deleted him. Simple.

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I met a guy on OLD last Sunday, and he lives 3h away from me. We seemed to have a lot in common, he said he is also looking for something serious, he called me on the phone and it was nice. We have been texting, and yesterday he said he wants to meet me in person.

Then he asked what do I think about me going to the city where he lives for the weekend so we can get to know each other... I asked him why doesn't he come to my city instead? He said ok he will, but I do the driving! I asked him "what driving?" Then he started laughing and asked if I wanted to meet half way for the weekend. I told him I do not spend weekends out with strangers... I was getting pis*** off with the conversation and then he said oh I am joking, I wasn't serious, etc. I asked him "are you sure you were joking, or were you trying to see if you could get away with it?", to which he didn't respond.

Then he started saying he will come to my city and he will have to search for a cheap bedroom in the city I live in. Wait, what!? First of all he said all his family lives in my city, so why doesn't he stay with them? Second, he works as a luxury real estate broker. So, unless he is really bad at his job, why does he have to stay in a cheap hotel bedroom? 

That seemed to me he was trying for me to tell him to stay at mine... which of course I didn't.

Then today he just called me on the phone out of the blue without messaging first, when I was at work. I didn't answer and then I told him that if he wants to call me I appreciate if he sends me a message first because I am working, like he did before. He said sorry and didn't reply anything else. Didn't say ok I'll do that, anything.

All of this seems very dodgy to me, and I think he is just looking for casual sex and doesn't want to say it. It's too much too soon. I think an intelligent and respectful man will not ask a woman to drive to him for the weekend or spend the weekend half way "being funny", because he knows it can scare a nice woman with boundaries away.

Also, I don't give a shyt where he stays when he comes to my city. I never saw him before in my life! I don't care if you stay in a cheap hostel or The Ritz. All I care is to know where and when are we meeting and doing what. Caring about his life is for after the date if I like him, right!?

Are all these red flags and should I delete this guy? Thank you!

LB, there is no need to be so defensive.  Reading your original post (quoted) it appears you engaged with him quite a bit.  And then created this thread asking strangers if his behavior was dodgy.  

I'm not judging you for it.  We are all here to help.  Now you know, guy reaches out long distance = automatic delete.  Don't even respond. Waste of time.  

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I don’t think he tried to trick you. Maybe he didn’t say it explicitly, I think he was pretty obvious about his intentions. Looking for a serious relationship is pretty broad. It doesn’t necessarily mean with this situation. He made it pretty clear that he did not see that potential here, considering he was reluctant to even drive full way for a date and was going to get a “cheap hotel.” I agree with others that three hours is too far.

Edited November 4, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Alvi]

Just this morning a guy who lives far away reached out to me. I asked him what he thinks about the distance between us. His response? Don't you have an apartment or house I could stay when I visit you? Automatic block from me.

Only date local people. No point wasting your time on this type of situations. 

Edited November 4, 2020 by Alvi

[ThereSheGoes]

Yeah, as soon as a guy starts mentioning sleep overs, it's time for you to close the gates and shutter the windows. He is on to some bull. NEXT!

I have been in contact with a guy for about 4 or 5 months. He lives a few minutes away, and we have had very intelligent conversations. He doesn't seem pervy and mentioned something serious. But every time I mention meeting up, he wants it done at his apartment. Or out in a park, that is more like a large walking trail, where it's more enclosed and away from the street, and where the possibility of other people being around, won't be an issue. I've mentioned different parks, parks that were more open and where people will most likely be around, and he was hesitant on it. As a veteran OLDer, I see what he's up to and his plan isn't going to work out.  I rarely ever talk to him.

WHENEVER a guy mentions a meet up that isn't out in the open or uses words like 'sleep overs' and wants to immediately come to your apartment or you come to theirs.....no. At the very least, he's just a piece of scum trying to score some ass, at the very worst, he's a murderer or a human trafficker. Don't do it.

You did right, girl.

(You were also right in thinking that if a guy was genuinely interested in you, he would just drive the three hours to you, not ask you, the woman, to come there or to meet you half way. If he was so wealthy, it would have been easier for him to get to you, than you to him. Like someone else mentioned, he sounds married or entangled, and is in the market for some out of town booty to keep his behavior on the low. Nasty.)

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

I wasn't saying about the decorum, but about having the guts to throw things out there and see if the other part does what they want. That's what sales people do.

Ok. 

I have always been of the mindset that if you want something you need to ask for it.  The worst thing is the other person says no but that's no skin off your nose.  Without asking you absolutely weren't getting it so by asking you at least increase your odds somewhat.  I think you are right that those in sales probably do do that because that's how you make the sale.  

I rarely have a problem with somebody else's polite ask, even when my answer was no.

Here, the idea that he threw out the idea of an overnight before you had even met was not a polite ask.  It was a thinly veiled request for sex way too early & thus it was impolite, bordering on vulgar & entitled.  If I otherwise liked the guy in your shoes I probably would have deflected with a joke along the lines it's way too early to talk about sleepovers but if you are concerned about a 6 hour R/T drive, I'd meet in you in the middle for dinner or I could recommend a local hotel.  If he didn't drop the subject, I'd drop him, like you did.  

[girlnextdoor2020]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Ok. 

I have always been of the mindset that if you want something you need to ask for it.  The worst thing is the other person says no but that's no skin off your nose.  Without asking you absolutely weren't getting it so by asking you at least increase your odds somewhat.  I think you are right that those in sales probably do do that because that's how you make the sale.  

I rarely have a problem with somebody else's polite ask, even when my answer was no.

Here, the idea that he threw out the idea of an overnight before you had even met was not a polite ask.  It was a thinly veiled request for sex way too early & thus it was impolite, bordering on vulgar & entitled.  If I otherwise liked the guy in your shoes I probably would have deflected with a joke along the lines it's way too early to talk about sleepovers but if you are concerned about a 6 hour R/T drive, I'd meet in you in the middle for dinner or I could recommend a local hotel.  If he didn't drop the subject, I'd drop him, like you did.  

I just don’t understand why some guys do this.

Why not just be upfront about what they are looking for and save each other time and problems?

Why not say hey I want casual sex. I want some weekend casual encounters, etc.

There are many women up for it.

So why say like you want something serious, when their intentions are other? Why create future issues and heartbreak?

Does doing that validates their fragile men ego? That they were able to trick someone into sex?

Do they just have zero character and zero empathy, and are just a piece of entitled walking sh** that don’t care about others!?

Seriously, is beyond my understanding. 

[poppyfields]

I don’t get it either girlnextdoor.   Men’s preoccupation (more like obsession in many cases) with sex to the point they lose all perspective of what’s right and wrong.   Lying, deceiving, telling LB he is looking for something “serious”?  IMO, yes he was trying to trick her in that sense.

I read a post from a guy years back on another forum admitting, out of all the accomplishments in his life thus far, having sex with as many women as he can was the biggest, the most validating. 

WTF, would any of you guys care to explain this?  The mindset?  I love sex as much as the next person, but I simply do not understand this mindset.

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I think it is because while there is a subset of women DTf, there’s a much larger group of women who date for an LTR.  So I think many guys can pull a much higher caliber of woman by offering commitment....

 

My thoughts are that the two things only vaguely overlap and no one owes anyone anything for sleeping with them.
 

I know there are plenty of examples of guys who actually “trick“ women and use them for sex.  They tell them they love them or get in relationships to seduce them, then bounce... or live another life 
 

 I see another phenomenon  where there was a belief in a likelihood it would lead to something more than sex and it never does. However, this wasn’t the agreed upon by  both people. Contrarily, there are almost always plenty of signs that there was very little to no emotional investment from the other person at all. 
 

 I somewhat understand a person that says that they are looking for something serious even when they are not necessarily sure. I had always told guys when I was dating I was looking for a serious relationship, even when I was not. I didn’t want to close the door entirely and I just felt I would attract better quality men that way 

Edited November 5, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Trail Blazer]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I don’t get it either girlnextdoor.   Men’s preoccupation (more like obsession in many cases) with sex to the point they lose all perspective of what’s right and wrong.   Lying, deceiving, telling LB he is looking for something “serious”?  IMO, yes he was trying to trick her in that sense.

I read a post from a guy years back on another forum admitting, out of all the accomplishments in his life thus far, having sex with as many women as he can was the biggest, the most validating. 

WTF, would any of you guys care to explain this?  The mindset?  I love sex as much as the next person, but I simply do not understand this mindset.

It's not as easy to come across casual sex for (most) men as it is for women.  Thus, to be able to have many women agree to have sex with you is somewhat of an accomplishment.

It goes back to evolutionary biology, where it's programmed in men to spread their seed to as many women as possible to ensure the continuation of their genes.

In reality, this dude probably just enjoyed bragging to his buddies about how much of a stud he is.  The more "notches on his belt" the more validity there is to the claim.

Edited November 5, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[MsJayne]

You read this sleaze like a book. Well done.  Only thing you could have done to improve the scenario would be to let him to drive all the way to your city and then you cancel the date via text a half hour before.

[ThereSheGoes]

7 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

You read this sleaze like a book. Well done.  Only thing you could have done to improve the scenario would be to let him to drive all the way to your city and then you cancel the date via text a half hour before.

Ooooooh, or just didn't show up!!!

Oh, that would have been wonderful.

[poppyfields]

58 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's not as easy to come across casual sex for (most) men as it is for women.  Thus, to be able to have many women agree to have sex with you is somewhat of an accomplishment.

It goes back to evolutionary biology, where it's programmed in men to spread their seed to as many women as possible to ensure the continuation of their genes.

In reality, this dude probably just enjoyed bragging to his buddies about how much of a stud he is.  The more "notches on his belt" the more validity there is to the claim.

Well thanks for explaining TB, makes sense, especially the second paragraph.

I still don't quite get why people (and apparently women do as well as per shortskirts post) can't simply be honest and say, "I'm looking to click with someone, date, and if all goes well, pursue an exclusive relationship."  

Is it really necessary to lie and tell someone you seek a serious relationship (when you're not or not sure) otherwise you risk attracting a person of lower quality?  

No one knows whether they want a serious relationship with a particular person until they date that person for awhile.  Which is reasonable.  No reason to lie about it. 

Edited November 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[SincereOnlineGuy]

16 hours ago, ladybug2021 said:

 

Are all these red flags and should I delete this guy? Thank you!

Of course

[zouzbd]

IMO If you are not looking for a casual dating/hooking then you should delete this guy.

I don't believe  in getting lucky for a serious relationship using online dating ...

I might be mistaken , but even when a guy claim to be serious ; who told you that after 1 month , 2 month or more he will not get what he wants and disappear

I advise you to engage more in other methods of meeting people ; such as Internations.org, meetup groups , and so on ; those platforms enable people to meet and then gradually if you find yourself into a person , it would be in real word.

 

best 

[Fletch Lives]

He sounds like a player - he's never met you, but wants to spend the weekend with you. You are supposed to make one date at a public place, not plan a weekend.

[ladybug2021]

Hi guys, an update on this.

I deleted the guy's number from my phone but forgot to delete him on the App we met, so he sent me a message saying he was really joking about spending the weekend, he really wanted to drive to my city and get to know me, but he can see I don't want to, blablabla.

You know what I did? I was going to delete him without a reply, but then decided to say this to him: "Ok, let's do this. After you decide to move back to my city and after you actually move, then we can meet for a date. Until then, take care". 

He responded: "Oh ok, let's stay in touch". 

And I deleted and blocked him.

Edited November 5, 2020 by ladybug2021