Wife having an affair!

[RamblingMan]

I feel like I have encouraged my wife to have an affair with a mutual friend. My sex drive dried up some years ago and from that we as a couple became less intimate. my wife has always been way more sexual than I am. Before we met she had 'lovers' and was not interested in a relationship. We have been married for 15 years and we are now retired and living a new life in a new town. She joined a reading group and met this lovely man. I am not into reading like she is and so it was great for her to have someone to talk to. This I encouraged. I was busy renovating our old house. About two months ago she became different in that she was less talkative and more distant! I snore a lot and that has always irritated her but now so much so I sleep in our spare bedroom.
She stopped inviting him around for a drink or a meal and now visits him. I said could I join them one night and she said what for? I said for company and she said they talk books, politics and teaching (both retired teachers) which would be of no interest to me.
Last Saturday she was going to meet him as usual but I followed her. They met in the park and just from her body language I could tell she was like a teenager running towards him. They kissed and hugged then walked off hand in hand!
Since then I have busied myself and almost ignored her! I overheard her on the phone saying I am impossible and being a pain! I can only presume she was talking to him.
My fear is I have no money apart from a tiny pension! She owns the house and we are both in a new town with no jobs! He is married late 60s to a woman who he cares for as she has dementia and he won't leave her!

I don't know what to do

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

My fear is I have no money apart from a tiny pension! She owns the house and we are both in a new town with no jobs

Sounds like you are fine with the open marriage because it provides financial security and you're not interested in her or the marriage anyway.

Not much you can do since you're not interested in being a loving spouse and not in a position to divorce.

[elaine567]

55 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

My fear is I have no money apart from a tiny pension! She owns the house and we are both in a new town with no jobs! He is married late 60s to a woman who he cares for as she has dementia and he won't leave her!

He may never leave her but she may die, and that would leave him free to pursue something more serious with your wife.
You may want to hide from change, but change may happen anyway.
You need to get real.
Find a job would be a start.
Forget about renovating HER house.

[schlumpy]

55 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

I don't know what to do

I guess it depends on who you are as to what you will do.

People that value themselves would leave this situation. Others would take advantage of it and get their own significant other. You could always shame her (if she can be shamed) and expose her by broadcasting the affair to anyone who will listen.

You have let yourself slip into a bad position in life. All your eggs on in one basket at the moment.

What to do:

>Do you care if your sex drive is going away? If you do then have you sought out medical help? Lots of people do. 

>Since you are not in a financial position to walk, then you will have to return to the job market. Instead of renovating her house for free you should offer your services for hire to others. Save that money for escape. This means staying for a period of time before leaving so you will have to mollify her and ignore her affair.

>Pull the pin on the grenade. Expose everything and hurt her as much as you can. Hurt him as much as you can. In fact you should be gathering intel on this guy's life so you can hit hem where it hurts then leave, even if it means sleeping under a bridge. 

>Be happy that you found out that she has opened the marriage and participate by finding your own lost love(s). She can't complain. She's the one who changed the rules.

>Ignore her affair and just use her for for lodging and food. Don't be unpleasant but don't allow her the luxury of the attention of two men.

>Stay quiet and plan your escape. Work towards the day then leave suddenly without an explanation. Maybe leave your wedding ring on the kitchen table. Never see her again. Let her be tortured by her thoughts if she still cares.

I have to say you need to take some blame for this. The way you described her she was not wife material to begin with so in a way you built your own cage.

I do hope you escape to the tune of their wrack and ruin.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

 Expose everything and hurt her as much as you can. Hurt him as much as you can. In fact you should be gathering intel on this guy's life so you can hit hem where it hurts then leave, even if it means sleeping under a bridge. 

Sorry I disagree with this revenge meme that's going around the cheating sites.

Revenge like this is futile in general and in this case in particular.

There's nothing to expose. It's an open marriage because he checked out and depends on her financially .

In fact implying that nonsense revenge is worth being homeless for makes no sense.

It makes better sense if he's unhappy about it to look into appropriate resources and solutions.

[elaine567]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Revenge like this is futile in general and in this case in particular.

I agree. If they are in love then they won't care a damn.
Whilst the OP will look like a bitter loser.
She will chuck him out of her house and mock his lack of sexual prowess.
I doubt anyone will really care that two "oldies" have found friendship and are in a relationship...

This was an accident waiting to happen.
NO sex and approving of her burgeoning relationship with another highly compatible man, was self sabotage.

Edited November 3, 2020 by elaine567

[Harry Korsnes]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I agree. If they are in love then they won't care a damn.
Whilst the OP will look like a bitter loser.
She will chuck him out of her house and mock his lack of sexual prowess.
I doubt anyone will really care that two "oldies" have found friendship and are in a relationship...

This was an accident waiting to happen.
NO sex and approving of her burgeoning relationship with another highly compatible man, was self sabotage.

I think he's just venting wanting suggestions. He should up and leave find a cheep place to live until he's back on his feet. Dont speek dont tell just leave.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

I think he's just venting wanting suggestions. He should up and leave find a cheep place to live until he's back on his feet. Dont speek dont tell just leave.

In the United States, they may co-own the house, since they are legally married. He also needs to divorce legally not just abandon the house.

[Harry Korsnes]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

In the United States, they may co-own the house, since they are legally married. He also needs to divorce legally not just abandon the house.

I dont think he's in the us bc the time of day op posted. The way he wrote i think she's the sole owner of the house. In his finacìal situasjon it would best to separate and try to find a way to fund a lawyer and have her served.

[Fletch Lives]

Sorry about all this. Her love level has gone down for you, proably from the lack of intamacy. Usually people in a relationship need sex to stay attached. So I would go to a doctor, take Viagra, whatever it takes.

She has to come clean about the affair and break it off, or you have to leave her for awhile - if you leave, hopefully she'll see the light and want to work it out. But, if her love for you has dropped past the point of no return, it might be time for divorce.

I would also recommend counseling.

[pepperbird2]

in know many don't agree, but I see cheating as a form of abuse.
I would suggest you look at your situation from that angle. Begin to plan your escape. Get out there and meet some new friends, and if you can pick up some odd jobs or even a full time gig, do it.

You may have to live with her right now. Be polite, the way you wold with a casual acquaintance. Tell her nothing of your plans, and keep your own counsel. As for the advice about ramping up your sex drive? She's already cheated on you. That is such a level of disrespect that it's not really worth trying to keep her. Focus on yourself and your own future.

[RamblingMan]

I am in the UK. Jobs where I am are rare as it is a seaside town and the economy is not great. Thank you for all your positive replies. I think I need to be frank and say that when we met my wife was in a low place and I lifted her up mentally by being there and supportive. She had not had anyone like that before. She was not after sex or that kind of relationship then but as time has gone on her confidence and tastes have changed. In truth she has blossomed and I am happy for her. I feel if this thing stats as it is I could live with it but if it gets more serious then I risk losing her

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that you need to take steps to secure your own future and retirement in case she wants to divorce. 

[mark clemson]

I like the palette of distinct options that @schlumpy presented. OP can choose the approach that fits his circumstances and views. There are additional approaches one could add as well.

 

22 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

I feel if this thing sta[y]s as it is I could live with it but if it gets more serious then I risk losing her

Doing nothing is indeed an option (in your case) as you don't seem overly distressed and do not have sex with your wife. BUT as others are pointing out, you had better be prepared for that possibility you mention. She might be kicking you out to move him in one day. You need to at least have some fall back plans.

You seem like the kind of person who's more reactive than proactive, based e.g. on your actions and even your username. That's not a judgment, just an observation. IF circumstances with this go the wrong way, you might need to "ramble" once again, so again make preparations for that eventuality JIC.

[Harry Korsnes]

24 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

I am in the UK. Jobs where I am are rare as it is a seaside town and the economy is not great. Thank you for all your positive replies. I think I need to be frank and say that when we met my wife was in a low place and I lifted her up mentally by being there and supportive. She had not had anyone like that before. She was not after sex or that kind of relationship then but as time has gone on her confidence and tastes have changed. In truth she has blossomed and I am happy for her. I feel if this thing stats as it is I could live with it but if it gets more serious then I risk losing her

Do you need to stay in that town? You Could try elswhere, do you have kids?

[Ellener]

18 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

I am in the UK. Jobs where I am are rare as it is a seaside town and the economy is not great. Thank you for all your positive replies. I think I need to be frank and say that when we met my wife was in a low place and I lifted her up mentally by being there and supportive. She had not had anyone like that before. She was not after sex or that kind of relationship then but as time has gone on her confidence and tastes have changed. In truth she has blossomed and I am happy for her. I feel if this thing stats as it is I could live with it but if it gets more serious then I risk losing her

Losing her? You already lost her. She's with someone else leaving you in a precarious living arrangement.

In the UK you should be able to apply for housing and benefits. 

Actually I think as a spouse you might have some entitlement to the 'matrimonial asset' home, it's judged on a case by case business in the UK .

Difficult situation since you want to keep things on a good footing.

 

 

[RamblingMan]

9 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Do you need to stay in that town? You Could try elswhere, do you have kids?

Kids live abroad now. No family left

[RamblingMan]

5 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Losing her? You already lost her. She's with someone else leaving you in a precarious living arrangement.

In the UK you should be able to apply for housing and benefits. 

Actually I think as a spouse you might have some entitlement to the 'matrimonial asset' home, it's judged on a case by case business in the UK .

Difficult situation since you want to keep things on a good footing.

 

 

In truth I lost her before he came along! One good thing about the replies is it helps me to put the situation in focus. We are poles apart as people. I am a natural submissive male who is happy being single and was for most of my life. I have never attracted women or had anything to do with them in the relationship sense. I adore them yes but have no inclination sexually! Anyway you hit the nail on the head I have lost her but it was not him it was me!

[RamblingMan]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I like the palette of distinct options that @schlumpy presented. OP can choose the approach that fits his circumstances and views. There are additional approaches one could add as well.

 

Doing nothing is indeed an option (in your case) as you don't seem overly distressed and do not have sex with your wife. BUT as others are pointing out, you had better be prepared for that possibility you mention. She might be kicking you out to move him in one day. You need to at least have some fall back plans.

You seem like the kind of person who's more reactive than proactive, based e.g. on your actions and even your username. That's not a judgment, just an observation. IF circumstances with this go the wrong way, you might need to "ramble" once again, so again make preparations for that eventuality JIC.

I am not distressed at all you are right. I suppose a tad jealous as I cannot suppy her demands but I except that! The thing is she is spending more and more time with him and the time she is spending with me is becomming fraught! I upset her at every turn! I washed all the clothes and ruined her bra! It cost a fortune! I tidied up and now can't find her contact lens case! Funny she has not worn thos for a long time but suddenly wears then whenever she meets him!!

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

(I) have no inclination sexually!

How old are you?
Is this lack of drive a relatively new thing or did this predate your marriage, or have you always been like this.?

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

 the time she is spending with me is becomming fraught!

She is likely making you out to be "bad" so that he can be "good". Justifies her actions in her own mind to a certain extent.

Having some legal leverage over her house as was mentioned above might become important for you at some point (e.g., to save you from being tossed out of it). You might consider talking to a lawyer in case that applies to you. In the US many will give free 1/2 hour consults, not sure if that is true where you live. DO be careful with lawyers, some can be quite manipulative.

[Harry Korsnes]

25 minutes ago, RamblingMan said:

I am not distressed at all you are right. I suppose a tad jealous as I cannot suppy her demands but I except that! The thing is she is spending more and more time with him and the time she is spending with me is becomming fraught! I upset her at every turn! I washed all the clothes and ruined her bra! It cost a fortune! I tidied up and now can't find her contact lens case! Funny she has not worn thos for a long time but suddenly wears then whenever she meets him!!

Why on earth are you still there? Leave she can wash her bra herslf and were glasses if she can't find the lens case, she's abusing you big time and your acting like a dør matt. Time to change be a happy new with a happy new life. 

[Harry Korsnes]

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

She is likely making you out to be "bad" so that he can be "good". Justifies her actions in her own mind to a certain extent.

Having some legal leverage over her house as was mentioned above might become important for you at some point (e.g., to save you from being tossed out of it). You might consider talking to a lawyer in case that applies to you. In the US many will give free 1/2 hour consults, not sure if that is true where you live. DO be careful with lawyers, some can be quite manipulative.

In some contries you can get legal advice its called no cure no pay.

[RamblingMan]

35 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old are you?
Is this lack of drive a relatively new thing or did this predate your marriage, or have you always been like this.?

No my entire life. I am 60

[RamblingMan]

14 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Why on earth are you still there? Leave she can wash her bra herslf and were glasses if she can't find the lens case, she's abusing you big time and your acting like a dør matt. Time to change be a happy new with a happy new life. 

It has only really dawned on me the past few days.