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Boyfriend not supportive on girlfriend's failure and his birthday wish for me was asking me to change because I make him mad.

deamiga

By deamiga
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deamiga Member

deamiga

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi guys! I would like know your opinion on this situation.

Me and my boyfriend are having a long distance relationship because I am studying abroad. On our plans is that my boyfriend will come and live with me in the near future. We had a fight two days ago because I didn't tell him about a party I wasn't attending, though I was invited and it was being organized from my roommates at our home. I know it sounds controlling but he have had some trust issues so we decided to try it again, so I was supposed to tell him. (I told him on the next day), I didn't consider it important because I was not going. Just because of that, we were arguing and he was upset all day long (calling me names as well) even though I was trying to end the discussion and showing love to him. 

Yesterday it was my birthday. 20 min before it turned 00:00 he called me (he was being cold all day long) and told me that he was moving to another country, which I don't like and don't want to live.

Of course I was sad because it meant there was no hope anymore and we were going to break up. I didn't tell him anything. I just told him "I hope everything goes the way you want, even though I don't want this decision but it is your life. If you think that your future is there, I wish you the best". He got mad because I didn't stop him or tell him that I would go to live with him, but told me in the end that he was kidding. Anyways I told him that I wasn't going anywhere without finishing my studies, because I have invested my time, my energy for over 15 years so I can't give up right now, especially because it was my dream to study abroad and my parents have done many sacrifices so I could study here (because we couldn't afford  it), basically it is a dream came true so I don't want to interrupt it for any reason. His answer was "Yes I know, you don't want to interrupt your "studies", because you are "studying" while failing the exams" (I failed on two exams this semester). I got upset because I expect partners to support each other on difficult situations, not to mention it many times and make the person feel weak. I told him "I would support you if you would fail". And he replied "I never fail".

We ended the call. At 00:00 he sent me the birthday wish. His birthday was two months ago and I sent him a really long message, full of sweet words and full of love. While his message was nice at the beginning, wishing me light in my life with or without him, that I have the best all my life, hoping that we would be together on my next birthday if we are still in a relationship, but the rest was terrible for a birthday wish. He told me "I hope you will change and change the way you see situations. I am not stupid or ******** so you can lie to me (never lied btw, he just can't believe me and thinks that I lie). But anyways I am sorry that you are making me mad every day. I hope things get better for us but we can't always hope. I don't want to make the message longer because I don't want to ruin your day the way I always do ( he makes me cry often because of the things he says). Have a nice day today and for the rest of your life! I love you"

I was sad, because no one makes such a birthday wish to his girlfriend or a loved one. No one tells you to change on your birthday. Usually they tell you to be the same. And the birthday wish I sent him was magic compared to his. While one was full of love, the other was full of sh**.

What do you think?

Edited by deamiga
LynneVicious Established Member

LynneVicious

Posted
Posted

I think you should stop wasting time with this boyfriend and free yourself up for someone who is supportive, kind, caring. 
 

im sorry, but he sounds just awful. “He’s sorry you make him mad? He wishes you would change?” Are you serious?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Its long distance, he won’t move and expects you to move because you failed two classes, he’s controlling, he’s jealous, he’s insensitive, he’s negative. He lied about moving just to set you up to gage your reaction and got mad you didnt fight him?

Girl, seriously. Wouldn’t you rather have someone closer to you whom you could spend time with? Who supports you in life?

Drop this loser. People don’t change. Don’t expect him to. 

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Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

I think you better dump him and fast. You do not date a man that calls you names, NEVER and typical abusers will say things like 'you make me mad'. You are so deep into control, manipulation and abuse that you don't even see it. This guy has nothing good to bring to you. I don't know how old you are but you need to become a woman that don't put up with that type of shYt. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Yep, he sounds awful.   Dump him.

 

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, deamiga said:

What do you think?

I think this is a terrible relationship and you would be foolish to continue it. 

  • Like 2
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted

Hey. Your boyfriend sounds really manipulative and I would consider his behavior abusive. Not cool at all. 

  • Like 2
Negotaurus Established Member

Negotaurus

Posted
Posted

Your boyfriend is being manipulative but I also feel like you might have done something to get him this anxious and paranoid. We don't have both sides of the story, so I don't know, it's just a feeling I have. 

Let each other go and move on. This won't go anywhere. 

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deamiga Member

deamiga

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Your boyfriend is being manipulative but I also feel like you might have done something to get him this anxious and paranoid. We don't have both sides of the story, so I don't know, it's just a feeling I have. 

Let each other go and move on. This won't go anywhere. 

I haven't done anything. He is always accusing me of cheating even though I have never thought about it. And calling me names because of that because he pretends I am not loyal. I have sweared to him that I haven't done it and would never do it and he still doesn't trust. 

Edited by deamiga
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I think your relationship has run it's course.  You live in one place.  He wants to live somewhere else.  He doesn't trust you & he's not supportive of you.  I suspect if you got rid of him you would do better in school.  You say this has been your dream for 15 years & your parents are making sacrifices for you to attend because you can't afford it.  If that is true, it's time to buckle down.  Failing 2 courses is not the way to make your dreams come true.  

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, deamiga said:

. He is always accusing me of cheating even though I have never thought about it. And calling me names because of that because he pretends I am not loyal. I have sweared to him that I haven't done it and would never do it and he still doesn't trust. 

Why won't you end an obviously abusive relationship?

Is this a BDSM situation where you enjoy being humiliated and controlled and hurt?

Take your pick. You agree to the abuse or you don't and you end it.

schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, deamiga said:

I was sad, because no one makes such a birthday wish to his girlfriend or a loved one. No one tells you to change on your birthday. Usually they tell you to be the same. And the birthday wish I sent him was magic compared to his. While one was full of love, the other was full of sh**.

What do you think?

No excuses for him but he is going through emotional turmoil. He's irrational.

Some people can handle LDR and some can't with your BF being the latter.

He wants you to cry because he using it to measure the strength of your connection to him. That's not a healthy measure but it's what he is doing.

Keep in mind that people who accuse you of cheating without any real evidence may very well be confessing their own sins.

If you want to stay with him you two need a plan. A plan with mutually agreed upon goals and timelines to reach them. You can't stay in school forever. You can build some flexibility into the plan but it always has to be aimed at the two of you getting together and not farther apart. Think of it as a contract.

Or you break it off. It seems as if you need to devote your full attention to school anyway.

  • Like 1
Maldives Established Member

Maldives

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ye men are pretty silly with this kinda stuff he's feeling insecure so he is testing you in a silly kinda controlling way testing your love. Men can be mean when they feel vulnerable and go on the attack.. it's a way of putting up a wall. I'm sure on reflection some where down the track he'll feel embarrassed snd kick himself for his bad behaviour

Edited by Goodguy05
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deamiga Member

deamiga

Posted
  • Author
Posted
3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I think your relationship has run it's course.  You live in one place.  He wants to live somewhere else.  He doesn't trust you & he's not supportive of you.  I suspect if you got rid of him you would do better in school.  You say this has been your dream for 15 years & your parents are making sacrifices for you to attend because you can't afford it.  If that is true, it's time to buckle down.  Failing 2 courses is not the way to make your dreams come true.  

That is exactly something I was complaining about my boyfriend. Thank you but I didn't like to hear it again. People have also a life except school or education and you never know the situation they are in. I had major family problems at that time, I was stressed and couldn't focus. I did my best but on both exams I had a panic attack right before them. I didn't eat much and slept 5 hours a day, because I was studying the whole time. Yeah, I failed and it was the first time for me so I felt terrible. I have always been noticed among others for best results. But does it mean that if you fail once, anyone can mention it to you, just because you have always succeded and it looks weired to fail? 

  • Like 1
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, deamiga said:

 I had major family problems at that time, I was stressed and couldn't focus. I did my best but on both exams I had a panic attack right before them. I didn't eat much and slept 5 hours a day, because I was studying the whole time. Yeah, I failed and it was the first time for me so I felt terrible. I have always been noticed among others for best results. But does it mean that if you fail once, anyone can mention it to you, just because you have always succeded and it looks weired to fail? 

Go to a counselor on campus. See a doctor.  Most of all, get rid of the abusive BF.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry to hear that you had family problems.  Most schools have programs where you can defer  an exam for certain qualifying reasons.  Learn more about your school's policies & inquire about re-taking the courses.  Sometimes they drop the failing grade.  Other schools average them. 

Still at that point your BF is an unwanted distraction.  Jettison him & focus on what's important. Good luck with your studies.  I hope your family distress eases 

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry to hear that you had family problems.  Most schools have programs where you can defer  an exam for certain qualifying reasons.  Learn more about your school's policies & inquire about re-taking the courses.  Sometimes they drop the failing grade.  Other schools average them. 

Still at that point your BF is an unwanted distraction.  Jettison him & focus on what's important. Good luck with your studies.  I hope your family distress eases 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, deamiga said:

I haven't done anything. He is always accusing me of cheating even though I have never thought about it. And calling me names because of that because he pretends I am not loyal. I have sweared to him that I haven't done it and would never do it and he still doesn't trust. 

This a huge red flag. 

No matter how much you deny it, and no matter how irrational his accusations are, he is not going to suddenly see reason and let it go. Abusers don't operate that way, because they're not motivated by any attempt to see logic. They're motivated by a desire to control and manipulate, and keep you under their thumb. It doesn't even matter if they know what they're accusing you of isn't true - what matters is that their intended target (you, in this case) falls all over herself trying to appease them. It's a toxic power move. 

Stop enabling him by defending yourself against false accusations. You can't prove a negative and that's not even the point. The point is that this man is verbally and emotionally abusing you and you need to get away from him. 

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

breaking up sounds like a good idea.

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, deamiga said:

...

What do you think?

I think you should dump him without delay.

SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, deamiga said:

Hi guys! I would like know your opinion on this situation.

Me and my boyfriend are having a long distance relationship because I am studying abroad. On our plans is that my boyfriend will come and live with me in the near future. We had a fight two days ago because I didn't tell him about a party I wasn't attending, though I was invited and it was being organized from my roommates at our home. I know it sounds controlling but he have had some trust issues so we decided to try it again, so I was supposed to tell him. (I told him on the next day), I didn't consider it important because I was not going. Just because of that, we were arguing and he was upset all day long (calling me names as well) even though I was trying to end the discussion and showing love to him. 

Yesterday it was my birthday. 20 min before it turned 00:00 he called me (he was being cold all day long) and told me that he was moving to another country, which I don't like and don't want to live.

Of course I was sad because it meant there was no hope anymore and we were going to break up. I didn't tell him anything. I just told him "I hope everything goes the way you want, even though I don't want this decision but it is your life. If you think that your future is there, I wish you the best". He got mad because I didn't stop him or tell him that I would go to live with him, but told me in the end that he was kidding. Anyways I told him that I wasn't going anywhere without finishing my studies, because I have invested my time, my energy for over 15 years so I can't give up right now, especially because it was my dream to study abroad and my parents have done many sacrifices so I could study here (because we couldn't afford  it), basically it is a dream came true so I don't want to interrupt it for any reason. His answer was "Yes I know, you don't want to interrupt your "studies", because you are "studying" while failing the exams" (I failed on two exams this semester). I got upset because I expect partners to support each other on difficult situations, not to mention it many times and make the person feel weak. I told him "I would support you if you would fail". And he replied "I never fail".

We ended the call. At 00:00 he sent me the birthday wish. His birthday was two months ago and I sent him a really long message, full of sweet words and full of love. While his message was nice at the beginning, wishing me light in my life with or without him, that I have the best all my life, hoping that we would be together on my next birthday if we are still in a relationship, but the rest was terrible for a birthday wish. He told me "I hope you will change and change the way you see situations. I am not stupid or ******** so you can lie to me (never lied btw, he just can't believe me and thinks that I lie). But anyways I am sorry that you are making me mad every day. I hope things get better for us but we can't always hope. I don't want to make the message longer because I don't want to ruin your day the way I always do ( he makes me cry often because of the things he says). Have a nice day today and for the rest of your life! I love you"

I was sad, because no one makes such a birthday wish to his girlfriend or a loved one. No one tells you to change on your birthday. Usually they tell you to be the same. And the birthday wish I sent him was magic compared to his. While one was full of love, the other was full of sh**.

What do you think?

I think you should stay FOCUSED on your priorities.

 

This guy is manipulative at the very least... and you don't need that kind of absurdity.

 

He's too gutless to spell-out what he truly thinks and feels, so he plays stupid games which attempt to get you to 'commit' to your would-be reaction first, so he can see/learn/hear it, withOUT having to tip his own hand.

 

Somebody who really cares, and who is comfortable in his own skin, wouldn't be afraid to spell-out his own feelings first.

 

Anything less than that sort of a person is not enough for you.

 

 

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
20 hours ago, deamiga said:

we were arguing and he was upset all day long (calling me names as well) even though I was trying to end the discussion and showing love to him. 

Stop doing that.

Anyone who cares for you doesn't call you name because they're having a temper tantrum... and because you didn't go to a party that you didn't tell him about? Does that sound mentally stable to you?  It doesn't to me--he's got  issues he needs a therapist for, not a girlfriend to use as his verbal punching bag.
 

Quote

Yesterday it was my birthday.

Belated happy birthday to you.
 

Quote

20 min before it turned 00:00 he called me (he was being cold all day long) and told me that he was moving to another country, which I don't like and don't want to live.

I just told him "I hope everything goes the way you want, even though I don't want this decision but it is your life. If you think that your future is there, I wish you the best".

He got mad because I didn't stop him or tell him that I would go to live with him, but told me in the end that he was kidding

I'd have hung up on him and put him on block. That's manipulative, coercive and plain wrong.

Quote

And he replied "I never fail".

He fails at being a decent human being.
 

Quote

 But anyways I am sorry that you are making me mad every day.

He is in control of his emotions... no one can make him mad without him thinking it's a good use of time to be mad every day.  And if you make him so mad, why is he with you? Does that make any sense? Is there something psychologically wrong with him?

Quote

 I don't want to ruin your day the way I always do ( he makes me cry often because of the things he says). Have a nice day today and for the rest of your life! I love you"

This is emotional manipulation and no one who honestly loves you puts you through that. He is a bully and he is incapable of being the kind of human being who is successful in relationships. In you, he found someone who will let him beat up on them, verbally. Why? Because you allow it and you have no grasp of your self worth. He should have been on block months ago.

Quote

I was sad, because no one makes such a birthday wish to his girlfriend or a loved one. No one tells you to change on your birthday.

Exactly my point, but yet, there you are... taking it.

Quote

What do you think?

What I think is that you're not in a place where you value yourself highly enough to not put up with this treatment and therefore, you're going to keep going down this road, thinking love will make him change.  If it could, he'd have turned that corner waaaaay before now and this post wouldn't be here.

I think you need to keep him out of your life, put him on block because he doesn't mean you or any girl any good, and get on with your studies your parents are going to the poor house over, knuckle down and raise your grades... quit trippin' off this simian on your back.

 

 

Edited by kendahke
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, deamiga said:

I haven't done anything. He is always accusing me of cheating even though I have never thought about it. And calling me names because of that because he pretends I am not loyal. I have sweared to him that I haven't done it and would never do it and he still doesn't trust. 

You are right, deamgia... no matter what, there is absolutely no excuse for someone verbally abusing another and treated the way you have been treated.  People who do that never take responsibility for what they're doing and instead, try to deflect their own bad behavior onto someone else, inventing reasons as to why you "deserved" the treatment. There are no reasons and no excuses. Periodt.

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deamiga Member

deamiga

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I didn't break up with him. Today when I woke up we videocalled as always and he asked me "What are you doing today?". I told him I was going to study. He said "As you always do." I asked him what does he mean. And he said "You failed on two exams, that is how you study." I was explaining him that failing once doesn't mean you are not successful.  We are supposed to support each other, not tell each other you are loser. We started agruing, he started accusing me again for cheating. I don't understand how you can judge someone for failing exams in university, while you have only the high school degree and didn't go to university. 
He pretends that there is somebody who just has sex with me and that is all, who doesn't love me but only uses me for his needs. And that is not true. I would never allow myself that. 
I started crying and shaking. I don't know why I think I love him and don't end this relationship. 
I know it is wrong and that is not how love is supposed to be. But I want to be with the guy I feel in love in the beginning...

Edited by deamiga
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, deamiga said:


I started crying and shaking. I don't know why I think I love him and don't end this relationship. 
...

Is this a BDSM situation? Over and over you seem to relish the humiliation, control and abuse.

Over and over you ignore advice that you are in an abusive relationship.

Over and over you go on and on about how much he hurts you and how much you seek this out.

 

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