I Have Become Officially Sick of Dating Apps

[ThereSheGoes]

This is more of a conversational post, than a 'seeking advice' post.

 

I would love to have a partner. I've been single for a year and a half, and before that last relationship, I was single for 5 years. During my single periods, I'm on apps. I use them not only to find a partner, but also to find friends. I was a home schooled kid, and when I turned 18, I immediately jumped on to OkCupid to find a friend group. Which I did. And I enjoyed these people, for many years.

Dating apps have been a part of my life for over 10 years, and I'm now at this point to where......I'm just over it. Lol.

It's so hard these days to open the app and check it, it's like a chore at this point. And I don't want to appear like an Ice Queen to some of the gentleman who have contacted me, and seem genuinely interested in striking up a conversation, but I just have......very little gumption left in me. And it makes me a bit....concerned about my future. Because though, I do want to be partnered, how else am I going to meet someone? I don't like bars. I also don't drink. I rarely ever go to a club. And I'm just generally, rarely ever out these days. Not only because of 'Rona, but I also got rid of a lot of friendships, so I don't have any friends in my area. Friends who even WANT to go out with me, rather.

Which takes me back to, I could go back on to OkCupid and find new friends............but again, I'm beginning to loathe the entire process. It's the same conversation, with 60 different people, and the same questions being asked (I literally had to put in my Tinder Profile 'Stop asking me what my ethnicity is'.) Same, 'what do you do, where are you from'. (Which also falls back in to the ethnicity question, because apparently I do not look American to these dudes? o.O) And then just the general remarks that some men make, that comes across as arrogant or prejudiced. Pushy. Lacking culture or sophistication, yet they think it's hilarious or charming, and....it really isn't.

I live in the Southern part of the US, in a very large city, that is home to a lot of Oil and Gas companies. So I come across a lot of Good Ol' Boys and Yuppies on these apps. And I know that, due to the geographic location, these guys are going to be native to the environment.  But these individuals are not what I want.

I'm tired of matching with a guy and he's married, looking for a side piece. Or he's 'Poly' looking for a new 'friend.' (These guys are usually just your standard, old fashioned cheaters, pretending to be Ethically Poly) Or, he's just in town looking for some 'fun'. Or he just got out of a relationship, so he's just looking for 'fun.' (This is the more common one. Apparently, every one on these apps just got dumped or divorced, and are not looking to connect with anyone)

Match after match after match. Even the ones who say that they are interested in a LTR  in their bio, you match with them, 'Oh, I'm looking for something casual.'

If I'm attracted to the guy, the conversation is going to be basically none existent. I also keep matching with the SAME people, and don't even realize it. Or, I match with a guy who has great conversation, but on further inspection, I'm not that attracted to him or there is some detail about his personality or life that I'm passing on. Usually those guys will keep messaging, even though I have stopped responding. It kinda feels like they are trying to bully me in to a date, and I end up blocking or un-matching them.

Another thing:

I'm beginning to feel slightly insecure when it comes to my looks on these apps.

I've actually had a friend who deleted his apps, because of this very reason. It felt like a a lot of pressure for him, and he was beginning to feel himself slipping in to insecurity, when he never felt that way to begin with.  I think I'm beautiful. I love my style, I love the way my body looks in clothes. But I am a little insecure about my weight. When you keep coming across Tinder profiles that say in their bio "I'm looking for a HEALTHY woman", and we all know that 'Healthy' is code for, 'No Fat Chicks.' And even though I don't consider myself 'Fat', I do get a bit intimidated and wonder if the reason why I can never seem to sustain a romantic anything with a man, especially from these apps, is because of my size and lifestyle. Even though I'm still on the fringes of being conventional. (But that's another topic. )

You feel like you're at a meat market, and the constant asking for 'body pics' just makes you feel like they're scoping you out to make sure you aren't fat, so they can deem you worthy enough to continue the conversation. Which, I am found acceptable most of the time, but it's the fact that I have to demean myself at all, just so you can make up your mind if I'm worth being attracted to, it's......it's annoying, and it's beginning to affect me.

Today, I opened my Tinder profile, and I counted 27 new messages, and not ONE of them inspired me to respond. Some of them were attractive and did list mutual interests, but their responses or initial message, has inspired nothing from me. Even in my text inbox, three guys are sitting there with unread messages, and I just can not bring myself to respond, because I am over the whole conversation. It's dull, it's boring, and for one guy, it's needy......and I know that it isn't going to go anywhere. I rather clean out my 500 emails, than talk to any of them.

Which I did. Yesterday.

I think this feeling is a part of me maturing. I turned 30 this year, and I'm finding myself quieting down in some aspects, but also getting fed up with what I'm used to. Things that never were an issue with me before, has now become highlighted. The personalities I used to find intriguing, are now just boring and annoying. If I could, I would just throw my phone in to the pond.

Edited November 2, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[Miss Spider]

Since you open this discussion, these are a few of my thoughts.

I think dating apps trigger the paradox of choice. There is so much to choose from and little to discern one person from another that it causes people to become a bit pickier than they would normally be. In addition to that, their ‘picker’ becomes distorted. What they normally like often becomes mundane and uninteresting. They need a real  stand out from the get-go.They often have expectations such as an inspired first message from a rando on tinder. After that, a skim of their profile needs to fit X, Y, Z from the fantasy checklist they have had years and countless dates to refine. if that doesn’t make the cut, they have many more messages in their inbox. Tomorrow that they know they will have more. So, of course there is not much really compelling them to choose today.

And then the question still remains if this ideal person they have finds them to be their ideal as well. Often times, this person has a list that they do not meet in one way or another.  Of course they feel burnt-out and tired of this rigamarole

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[smackie9]

Tho OLD can be a useful tool to met people, it sure ain't no magic bullet.

[Trail Blazer]

Ha!  I work in the Oil and Gas industry and I'm pretty sure I know which city you're referring to.  The Oil and Gas industry breeds a certain kind of person, especially in Texas.  Whilst you might think the "bro culture" in, say, Houston is bad.  I can tell you that in places like Midland-Odessa it's quit endemic.  However, I digress...

You seem very jaded.  What is it that you want from guys as an initial response?  It's difficult, in fact it's actually unreasonable, to expect a guy to tailor a witty one-liner exclusively for you when, for the most part, women just ignore whatever a dude writes as an initial message/greeting.

I feel as though women don't take enough initiative and leave it up to guys to do all the leg work.  Do you ever look through the profiles you match with and decide, "I like the look of this guy" so I'll get on the front foot and message him?

I know you're not looking for advice necessarily, which is why I'm treating this is more as a topic of discussion.  I'm curious to know what is going through your mind.  You're bored of matching with so many guys and bored of their generic responses.  However, are you taking owenership of your own experiences?

I met my wonderful, amazing and gorgeous girlfriend because she pursued me from the outset.  We met up on the same night as the morning we matched on Bumble.  She didn't wait around wondering, she straight out said she wanted to meet up. 

Sure, my girlfriend probably took a bit of a gamble that I wasn't going to just want sex at the end of the night since she didn't know me very well, but hey, fortune favors the brave.  My gf also had some dodgy OLD experiences which could have reasonably jaded her enough to be risk-averse, but that didn't stop her and all's well that ends well, as they say...

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I met my wonderful, amazing and gorgeous girlfriend...

TB, this is so sweet!  I hope my fiance speaks as highly of me as you do of your girlfriend. 

[Maldives]

And that's why I've deleted my dating apps because being a guy woman have a monopoly on these apps and the upper hand a guy has to do backflips to entertain you and gain your interest and attraction f*** that for a joke seriously the woman on there and this is also aimed at you as well are full of themselves

 

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Fletch Lives]

Dating is the tireless search for a mate. You sound burned out. 

The good news is, you only need to find one good one.

[Happy Lemming]

 

20 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Dating apps have been a part of my life for over 10 years, and I'm now at this point to where......I'm just over it.

 

Have you tried "Speed Dating"?? Are there any "Speed Dating" events in your area or next town over??

You might want to do some research and see if this might be a avenue to try.

[d0nnivain]

I never had problems meeting quality men or getting dates IRL.  At 35 when I found myself single as an adult everybody said try on line dating.  There were no apps back then.  So I did.  I lasted a whole 90 days.  It as so awful & demoralizing. Nobody who responded back to me was suitable.  I tried going on dates with 3 men I probably would not have agreed to spend time with if I had met them IRL 1st.  I can't image doing that for 10 years 

All I can say is when the pandemic clears so it's safe enough to go out again, find real life activities & interests you enjoy.  Get involved in things you care about.  Through those activities you should find like minded people.  From there see if you make a connection. 

[ThereSheGoes]

On 11/2/2020 at 6:39 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Ha!  I work in the Oil and Gas industry and I'm pretty sure I know which city you're referring to.  The Oil and Gas industry breeds a certain kind of person, especially in Texas.  Whilst you might think the "bro culture" in, say, Houston is bad.  I can tell you that in places like Midland-Odessa it's quit endemic.  However, I digress...

You seem very jaded.  What is it that you want from guys as an initial response?  It's difficult, in fact it's actually unreasonable, to expect a guy to tailor a witty one-liner exclusively for you when, for the most part, women just ignore whatever a dude writes as an initial message/greeting.

I feel as though women don't take enough initiative and leave it up to guys to do all the leg work.  Do you ever look through the profiles you match with and decide, "I like the look of this guy" so I'll get on the front foot and message him?

I know you're not looking for advice necessarily, which is why I'm treating this is more as a topic of discussion.  I'm curious to know what is going through your mind.  You're bored of matching with so many guys and bored of their generic responses.  However, are you taking owenership of your own experiences?

I met my wonderful, amazing and gorgeous girlfriend because she pursued me from the outset.  We met up on the same night as the morning we matched on Bumble.  She didn't wait around wondering, she straight out said she wanted to meet up. 

Sure, my girlfriend probably took a bit of a gamble that I wasn't going to just want sex at the end of the night since she didn't know me very well, but hey, fortune favors the brave.  My gf also had some dodgy OLD experiences which could have reasonably jaded her enough to be risk-averse, but that didn't stop her and all's well that ends well, as they say...

AH! Lol. Nail on the head! Good eye! Yes, I know things can be worst, but....LOL. At this point, I'm almost to tears. I know this is Texas and a lot of women are in to those types of men, especially in the south. But I find that they fail at relating to others who are not like them. 

 

I am glad that your girlfriend took a chance on you, and I'm glad that finally for her, she caught a good one. Because it's hard. I have messaged men who I found to be interesting, and they either did not respond or the conversation felt so strained, like they didn't want to talk to me to begin with. I have found that it's better to just sit still and wait to be chosen. I have met people that I have enjoyed when I just let them choose me, and not the other way around.

That being said; I have heard from dating sites and Hypergamy channels that a man who wants to be pursued, is feminine and does not rest in masculine energy. I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do find that I do better when the man is pursuing me, versus me pursuing him. But then again, I suck at dating, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.  

 

Also, to the point about the messages: I'm not looking for a guy to Wow me in an opening message, some guys have actually written me paragraphs, which I appreciate. I'm just literally over the whole process.  As someone else has pointed out, I'm just burned out. My fingers literally can't type the words to respond, I'm just over it.

[ThereSheGoes]

12 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

And that's why I've deleted my dating apps because being a guy woman have a monopoly on these apps and the upper hand a guy has to do backflips to entertain you and gain your interest and attraction f*** that for a joke seriously the woman on there and this is also aimed at you as well are full of themselves

 

This is what I mean when I said that I felt like a guy was guilt tripping me in to a date with him. I come across guys like this all the time on these apps, that complain about how hard it is to sustain a conversation, how girls want their money, so on and so forth, and it doesn't endear me to them, it just makes me see them as......weak. And like I'm going to be guilted or cussed out, simply because I won't go out with them. If they hadn't have come across this way initially, maybe I could have felt something, but instead it just feels like........incel whining. 

Edited November 4, 2020 by ThereSheGoes

[ThereSheGoes]

11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

 

Have you tried "Speed Dating"?? Are there any "Speed Dating" events in your area or next town over??

You might want to do some research and see if this might be a avenue to try.

I have not!

Why do you think this might be better than online dating?

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I come across guys like this all the time on these apps, that complain about how hard it is to sustain a conversation, how girls want their money, so on and so forth, 

As soon as a guy says stuff like this, delete and block.   Don't give further discussion.  Don't say "sorry I don't think you're the right fit' - just axe them.   Of course you don't want to date a misery guts, so don't give them the space to press this stuff on you.

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

That being said; I have heard from dating sites and Hypergamy channels that a man who wants to be pursued, is feminine and does not rest in masculine energy. I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do find that I do better when the man is pursuing me, versus me pursuing him. But then again, I suck at dating, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.  

You'll find that the vast majority of women who say things like this are the female equivalent of the whining men you mentioned above.  Chronically single and blaming the men for it without taking personal responsibility.

The pursuit doesn't have to be binary.  There's no harm in a woman initiating or booking a date -- she's just got to make sure that he's reciprocating.  

[Happy Lemming]

25 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

I have not!

Why do you think this might be better than online dating?

I do... I think if someone has to put forth some effort by showing up and doing the speed dating event, then they are a little more invested in the process and more serious.

With on-line dating, you really aren't invested in the process.  A few keystrokes or swipes on a phone is very minimal effort. In my opinion this individual really doesn't care, as they have minimal investment in the actual process.

 

[dispatch3d]

wow.... 27 active messages. I would be lucky to have that many sent/received in a 3 month period, tbh a year would be more acceptable a timeline to hit 27 messages..... 

 

If you were looking at dating apps from my point of view you would not be complaining.

[SumGuy]

On 11/3/2020 at 8:30 PM, ThereSheGoes said:

This is what I mean when I said that I felt like a guy was guilt tripping me in to a date with him. I come across guys like this all the time on these apps, that complain about how hard it is to sustain a conversation, how girls want their money, so on and so forth, and it doesn't endear me to them, it just makes me see them as......weak. And like I'm going to be guilted or cussed out, simply because I won't go out with them. If they hadn't have come across this way initially, maybe I could have felt something, but instead it just feels like........incel whining. 

That is pretty much what it is.   Also a startling lack of awareness...this is their best foot forward?   No wonder they lack success.   I'd hate to see them when they are not trying their best    In my view whining comes off as weak and very unattractive, regardless of your gender or age.

Now I have had OLD dates share their OLD horror stories...but not as openers or to whine, just if it comes up and having a bonding experience.   

It is next to no women who I have encountered in OLD that can't sustain a conversation (maybe one out of the dozens dated when OLD and none in the hundred plus messaged...and even that woman could probably sustain a conversation on the topic she was interested in...just happened to be one of my least favorite topics...also she may not have had that much interest, having a bad day, etc.).

[poppyfields]

>>"That being said; I have heard from dating sites and Hypergamy channels that a man who wants to be pursued, is feminine and does not rest in masculine energy. I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do find that I do better when the man is pursuing me, versus me pursuing him."<<

Absolutely 100% wholeheartrdly agree with this^.  When a woman becomes the leader and initiates, sure he's flattered, he may even say he likes it!  He will go along because it's easy and requires little effort, but it rarely if ever inspires romantic attraction.  Generally speaking, there are always exceptions.

I've heard men admit this as well.  My brothers and the men in a support meet up I used to attend. 

One guy admitted to "falling into" (his words) a relationship with a woman who pursued him, even though he never could quite figure out how he felt about her.  Sort of went through the motions.  Along for the ride.  

He was hoping to eventually feel "something" but never did.  

He eventually met a woman with whom there was high energy and chemistry, and he knew exactly what he needed to do, and did! 

He put forth most of the effort in the beginning and he loved it, it inspired him!  Inspired feelings of attraction and eventually love.

Edited November 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[elaine567]

24 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

One guy admitted to "falling into" (his words) a relationship with a woman who pursued him, even though he never could quite figure out how he felt about her.  Sort of went through the motions.  Along for the ride.  

He was hoping to eventually feel "something" but never did.

But is that not how many women feel as well, when they are pursued by a man she is not 100% sure about?
The trick is to pursue someone who is open to being pursued.
Pushing against an open door in other words.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But is that not how many women feel as well, when they are pursued by a man she is not 100% sure about?
The trick is to pursue someone who is open to being pursued.
Pushing against an open door in other words.

Fair point.  So what you're saying (I think) is, if those men who were being pursued had been 100% into that woman, then it wouldn't have mattered who did the pursuing?  

But then again, IF he had been 100% into her, then what was stopping him from taking the initiative and pursuing her?  The "masculine" energy?

I get your point though.  

Edited November 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

>>"That being said; I have heard from dating sites and Hypergamy channels that a man who wants to be pursued, is feminine and does not rest in masculine energy. I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do find that I do better when the man is pursuing me, versus me pursuing him."<<

Absolutely 100% wholeheartrdly agree with this^.  When a woman becomes the leader and initiates, sure he's flattered, he may even say he likes it!  He will go along because it's easy and requires little effort, but it rarely if ever inspires romantic attraction.  Generally speaking, there are always exceptions.

I've heard men admit this as well.  My brothers and the men in a support meet up I used to attend. 

One guy admitted to "falling into" (his words) a relationship with a woman who pursued him, even though he never could quite figure out how he felt about her.  Sort of went through the motions.  Along for the ride.  

He was hoping to eventually feel "something" but never did.  

He eventually met a woman with whom there was high energy and chemistry, and he knew exactly what he needed to do, and did! 

He put forth most of the effort in the beginning and he loved it, it inspired him!  Inspired feelings of attraction and eventually love.

This is definitely true some of the time.  This is probably how I would describe my first marriage!  It all fell into place with little effort on my end.  My ex-wife was a woman who knew what she wanted.  I was young and didn't think much beyond getting laid.

Since then I've been very clear to myself about what I wanted.  I told myself I'd never "fall into a relationship" again.  And, I've stuck to my guns and so far it's worked out pretty darn well.  

Having said that, I've been pursued a lot, specifically on OLD.  Yeah, it's been flattering, but at no point have I felt like it's due to some "feminine energy" or what not.  I haven't "wanted" to be pursued, as in, like a particular strategy or anything.  Nor as being pursued been as a consequence of an inability to pursue on my own part.

I believe that what is ultimately masculine is a male's ability to have fall into his lap enough female attention that he doesn't have to chase. 

To be honest, I lose interest real quick if I feel like I have to chase.  I'll make it clear to someone I like them, so if they aren't receptive in a timely manner then I'll just next them.

It makes sense that women want to be pursued.  It comes back to (once again) evolutionary biology.  Men do the chasing (and fighting) for a woman and the last man standing has proven himself the strongest and most capable, thus to the victor go the spoils!  In the 21st century, this is pretty irrelevant.  

It is intriguing that women want to be chased, but only by the guy they wish to be pursued by.  Women hate being chased and hit on by guys they are'nt interested in.  Yet, sitting back and waiting to be pursued opens up that door.  For mine, it's kind of counter-intuitive to identify a guy you like, then sit back and wait for him to pursue you.  If you want something in life, just go and get it!

I guess from my perspective, my girlfriend didn't waste any time and got on the front foot and made it abundantly clear that she was interested in a date.  I was a bit "meh" at the time as I had plenty of other options I'd been talking with.  Being so close (we live in the same town) we met up at a local bar that night.  I wasn't expecting much, but in person I was just blown away by her and the rest is history...

I'm glad she pursued me because I might not have bothered as much if it was purely down to me.  She convinced me that I didn't know what I was missing out on (my words - certainly not her's!).

tl:dr there's nothing wrong with women chasing men and any guy who says otherwise is just jealous!

[SumGuy]

19 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

....

Having said that, I've been pursued a lot, specifically on OLD.  Yeah, it's been flattering, but at no point have I felt like it's due to some "feminine energy" or what not.  I haven't "wanted" to be pursued, as in, like a particular strategy or anything.  Nor as being pursued been as a consequence of an inability to pursue on my own part.

I believe that what is ultimately masculine is a male's ability to have fall into his lap enough female attention that he doesn't have to chase. 

To be honest, I lose interest real quick if I feel like I have to chase.  I'll make it clear to someone I like them, so if they aren't receptive in a timely manner then I'll just next them.

.....

tl:dr there's nothing wrong with women chasing men and any guy who says otherwise is just jealous!

Have to second all of that.

Although don't buy into this whole "masculine" / "feminine" energy except as a social construct (though not to be discounted in how it influences because of that)...makes sense to me as it seems the men with a large amount of non-toxic traditional masculine energy have no problem having women pursue them...guess if you have enough masculine energy to spare her taking on a little bit is not going to be noticed by her or him.

[poppyfields]

@TB, there are always exceptions to what I posted, nothing is ever black and white.  

Your girlfriend did most of the pursuing in early stages and I suspect it worked out because there was a very strong interest from the get-go.  Before you even met in person, correct?  

That makes a huge difference. When there is strong mutual attraction from the get-go like that, she could have stood on her head, drunk, on top of a bar stool, and you'd still be attracted!  Lol  Ok, I'm exaggerating but you know what I mean.  

I think ideally, once you begin dating and mutual attraction has been established, there shouid be a balance of give and take.  I don't like the word "chased" because it implies the woman (or man) is running away and needs to be "chased after" to be "caught."

For me, when disinterested (or on the fence) and distancing myself or "running away" for the love of *, please no, do NOT chase me! 

Leave me alone, if I change my mind, which I've been known to do, I'll get in touch.  

However, when I am interested, I do prefer for the man to lead during early stages.  Not sure why, maybe it's biological or inherent or whatever, but when a man is interested in me, and displays his interest by pursuing me (not chasing), it inspires romantic attraction and interest in me. 

It's often increased my attraction and raised my interest level!  Again, not sure why exactly.

I don't think it works that way for men, jmo. 

 

Edited November 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

....

It's often increased my attraction and raised my interest level!  Again, not sure why exactly.

I don't think it works that way for men, jmo. 

 

Know I am not TB, and only have I had one woman after my initial general lack of interest pursue me over a period of days, weeks.  I do have to admit it peaked my interest and did come around, in more ways than one.   After making sure she was not a crazy fatal attraction type.   I'm discounting the times I've been seduced, which happens over a much shorter time frame.

So yah that can work on me as a man, not likely but not impossible.  Again being hesitant had nothing to do with her making the moves, she did have good ones.

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Know I am not TB, and only have I had one woman after my initial general lack of interest pursue me over a period of days, weeks.  I do have to admit it peaked my interest and did come around, in more ways than one.   After making sure she was not a crazy fatal attraction type.   I'm discounting the times I've been seduced, which happens over a much shorter time frame.

So yah that can work on me as a man, not likely but not impossible.  Again being hesitant had nothing to do with her making the moves, she did have good ones.

Thanks for this^ sumguy!  You've proved my preconceptual beliefs incorrect!  And my guess is there are more men like you too, so again thank you, I just learned something new about the male species! 

Edited November 7, 2020 by poppyfields