The 'Age' Issue

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

As usual, like attracts like. People who are more detail-oriented and want to know are more likely to be forthcoming with the info, and more likely to attract similar people.

Likewise, people who are more open-ended and not as concerned with the details will be naturally drawn to one another.

I wouldn't get anywhere near a guy who wasn't forthcoming about what I consider to be a very important piece of information. Other women wouldn't care.

Great answer Ruby, thanks! 

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Someone stated before, a lot of times you know since it is listed on the dating app.I believe this is because dating sites know it does matter to some people in dating, along with religion, ethnicity, body type, etc. People typically certain have characteristics and interests based upon their age groups. It’s not set in stone, of course, but it’s just a marker people find useful. 

Another reason why people find it useful in dating is because for many, the goal of dating is for it to lead to a life-long relationship or marriage. In a situation where you are trying to get a general idea of your future. age does become relevant.

Example:  If you are 25 and want to wait to start a family, yet you are dating someone who is 35 and don’t know their age, that may have an impact on your decision, when you consider the risks that come with pregnancy after 35. 
 

Another example, would be if you are 25 in the person is 45. It may not seem insignificant to you now, but in 10 years this person will be planning their twilight years and retirement. In 10 more after that, their health will significantly decline due to old age, though you will only be 45 at that time. You will most likely be their caretaker . Not saying it’s wrong. Just  saying it’s useful information to have.

 

Now whether or not it is seen as rude to ask is a different question. That varies from person to person. However, I have been asked this question many times by virtual strangers so I will assume, at least where I’m from, it isn’t incredibly unacceptable. I think usually the person’s understands it is a touchy/personal subject for some people,  so they usually begin the question with “may I ask...”

 

 

However, in the context of dating, in light of all the aforementioned benefits of knowing someone’s age, I think it generally considered not only socially acceptable to ask about age, but expected.  And also in light of that, omission of age is seen as a red flag. If you are interested in building a future with someone, and that information is useful to them, why the hesitation in disclosing something as simple as what year you were born.
 

In regards to the other post. The man said he was doing so for “privacy reasons”  That makes no sense to me.  Red flag goes up in my mind when people say things that do not make sense. 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

Hey Poppy,  I remember having a discussion with you about my age. I had put my moms age at rounded my mom’s age 70 instead of dating 68 on a past thread and for some reason that 2 years became very significant. Interesting you don’t find it significant in relationships. 

[poppyfields]

33 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hey Poppy,  I remember having a discussion with you about my age. I had put my moms age at rounded my mom’s age 70 instead of dating 68 on a past thread and for some reason that 2 years became very significant. Interesting you don’t find it significant in relationships. 

I didn't actually care shortskirts, at the time it appears I was trying to make some stupid point, not even sure what it was now.  

Apologies for offending (or pissing you off) about that.  Which in retrospect don't blame you for.  

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

I see. No worries. I think it bothered me being accused of lying about insignificant details of my situation. And I was very on edge about my entire situation at that time. It was just a hard time in my life. All water under the bridge and I am sorry too

Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I see. No worries. I think it bothered me being accused of lying about insignificant details of my situation. And I was very on edge about my entire situation at that time. It was just a hard time in my life. All water under the bridge and I am sorry too

Thanks shortskirts, no worries on my side either.   I think I remember going through a weird time myself.   

I'm glad we got a chance to clear the air about it!  You good peeps. 

[ThereSheGoes]

Yeah, age is one of the first questions I ask a potential suitor.  Not so much for children reasons, because I don't want kids. But I am a very vibrant woman, I'm very spontaneous, I'm very adventurous. And there are some older men, who just are no longer interested in that. It doesn't make sense for them at their time in life. It's childish to them. Which is fine, but I'm 30. If I want to climb a mountain, I'm gonna do it. And I don't want to feel guilted or silly, or....worse, he feels like he has to prove himself to me, and does it and ends up getting hurt in the process.

Plus, I look like a child, I get mistaken for being 20 or 21 all the time. Just for the optics, I don't want to go through the societal scrutiny because they think this old man is sleeping with a high schooler.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Yeah, age is one of the first questions I ask a potential suitor.  Not so much for children reasons, because I don't want kids. But I am a very vibrant woman, I'm very spontaneous, I'm very adventurous. And there are some older men, who just are no longer interested in that. It doesn't make sense for them at their time in life. It's childish to them. Which is fine, but I'm 30. If I want to climb a mountain, I'm gonna do it. And I don't want to feel guilted or silly, or....worse, he feels like he has to prove himself to me, and does it and ends up getting hurt in the process.

Plus, I look like a child, I get mistaken for being 20 or 21 all the time. Just for the optics, I don't want to go through the societal scrutiny because they think this old man is sleeping with a high schooler.

I am glad you brought that up, because in my experience, age was of little relevance to how spontaneous, adventurous or active a man was.  I met and dated men in their 20s or 30s who lacked spontaneity, that adventurous spirit I seek also.  Lazy as shyt.    On the other hand, older men, late 30s, 40ish (like my current who is late 40s) were spontaneous, active, had loads of energy!  Much more to my liking.

I also know some older men who are the most immature men around.  Irresponsible, in debt, peter pan types I suppose is how they are referred to.  While younger men can be far more mature and responsible.  

That is why to me, age is just a number, literally.  I place no value on it.  I value personality and one's general nature over age with respect to those things.   

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[major_merrick]

I think age is pretty much an up-front deal.  Most people select partners based on age, either due to generation gap concerns or wanting to have children.  It is also sometimes hard to judge age by looks.  For whatever reason, people frequently assume that I'm 5-10 years older (or more) than I am.  Not flattering!  I've often had people assume that my GF#1 or my little sister are my daughters....they look younger than their age.  And it is really irritating to get labeled a "cougar" when I'm only in my mid-30's.  

As for weight and salary?  Don't ask, don't tell.  At least until you get to know each other better.  And with all three things, assume that people are going to lie.  Women especially are going to lie about age and weight.  Men will probably lie about salary. 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, major_merrick said:

Women especially are going to lie about age ...

So then why bother asking? Rhetorical question, I get it.  Age is super important to many people for the reasons stated, which is OK.  It's all good.  

[major_merrick]

Most people's dating approach is rather game-like.  Ask question or half-ask the question.  Lengthy lead-in.  Then half answer, dodge answer, change topic....  We assume that doing business in that manner is more "spontaneous" or more "romantic" than showing up with a checklist and a spreadsheet.  For LTR's, I think I'd rather compare checklists!

[smackie9]

I'm not hung up on age....as long as they are younger than me

[SumGuy]

17 hours ago, major_merrick said:

... For LTR's, I think I'd rather compare checklists!

That is why I always bring my MojoUpgrade list on dates : )  Otherwise all the things on my "checklist" are not the kinds of things that are amenable to confirmation by a direct question, rather they are discovered through a course of conversation and getting to know someone

Quote

Most people's dating approach is rather game-like.  Ask question or half-ask the question.  Lengthy lead-in.  Then half answer, dodge answer, change topic....  We assume that doing business in that manner is more "spontaneous" or more "romantic" than showing up with a checklist and a spreadsheet.  

hmmm not sure I have ever really seen that...except when it starts edging towards banter (which I like).  I wouldn't call non-linear conversations that grow from one topic to the next to be game-like...but then again I highly value good conversational skills and one can easily work in more serious "checklist" questions after breaking the ice.  Many cultures (not the US or Germany say) put a value on general mood building talk before getting down to "business."

 

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by SumGuy

[ThereSheGoes]

On 11/2/2020 at 1:08 PM, poppyfields said:

I am glad you brought that up, because in my experience, age was of little relevance to how spontaneous, adventurous or active a man was.  I met and dated men in their 20s or 30s who lacked spontaneity, that adventurous spirit I seek also.  Lazy as shyt.    On the other hand, older men, late 30s, 40ish (like my current who is late 40s) were spontaneous, active, had loads of energy!  Much more to my liking.

I also know some older men who are the most immature men around.  Irresponsible, in debt, peter pan types I suppose is how they are referred to.  While younger men can be far more mature and responsible.  

That is why to me, age is just a number, literally.  I place no value on it.  I value personality and one's general nature over age with respect to those things.   

This is true! Not everyone is going to fulfill the stereotype. But the stereotype derives from somewhere.

Also, while reading this thread.

Another reason why Age does matter to me, is because if he's too young, I feel disgusting, and if he's too old, he'll start acting like he's my father. I have a 'friend' who is nearly 10 years older than me, but we're in the same age group, we're both millennials. He talks to me like I'm a child, a child that has no clue about anything. The patronizing is atrocious. I've experienced this also while on dates with older men. I have a father. I don't need you.

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Another reason why Age does matter to me, is because if he's too young, I feel disgusting, and if he's too old, he'll start acting like he's my father. I have a 'friend' who is nearly 10 years older than me, but we're in the same age group, we're both millennials. He talks to me like I'm a child, a child that has no clue about anything. The patronizing is atrocious. I've experienced this also while on dates with older men. I have a father. I don't need you.

I know what you mean about the "patronizing," talking down to me like I was a child.   Arrogant as sh**.    Hate that!   I dated a guy like this, except he wasn't "older," in fact he was younger than me by two years!      We were in our 20s.  It was just his nature and his sis told me he'd been that way since high school.  He talked down to everyone.  

My fiance who is late 40s, nearly 10 years older than I, treats me as an equal.  

If you place value on it, no judgment from me.  I don't, it's irrelevant imo.  Just a number.  

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

When dating I have always known the person's age right away and he has always known mine. I always thought that was pretty much standard.

[CaliforniaGirl]

On 11/2/2020 at 9:19 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

Lots of women prefer a man under 40 for procreation as well, as lots of research has come out in recent years showing that risk increases with both maternal and paternal age.

And for other reasons. Retiring together, growing old together. Just a bunch of things. Age is just one of those really basic things. No, it doesn't matter to everyone but it's a very basic thing people generally bring up soon. Like where one another lives, basically. (Not necessarily your street address, I mean like what town/city.) If you're like "well, I don't want to tell you what city I live in until we've dated for a few months" or "well, that shouldn't matter" it would just seem incredibly weird.

Or "well, I don't want to tell you what my last name is for a while, why should that matter?" So is "I don't want to tell you my age, why should that matter?" It just matters because it's one of the most bare-bones basic things about you and wanting to *hide* it so the other person doesn't know the most basic stuff about you, then make her decision whether to go out with you, is pretty shady.

[poppyfields]

Thanks for chiming in and your opinion CAGirl!! 

[Blind-Sided]

I think a bigger factor in compatibility is stage of life over age.  Especially as we get older. 

It seems to me, when I read stories about how one person is in their career, and the other is still in school.... things go bad.  OR... when one person is ready to be an "Adult" and the other person just wants to go out and party... things go bad.  OR... (Since there are a bunch of singles here) when one person has kids, and needs to be the "Adult"... and the other person just wants to be free, and date/go out... things end bad.

So... in my case... I got back to school later in life, and met my exW.  She was 8 years younger... but we spent almost 20 years together, and built a life before she went nutz.  My current GF is 20 years younger.  She is also divorced, and tired of guys who treat her as a play thing, or expect her to be "Mom".  She has has a career, and a house.... so with the exception of the age... and my gray beard... we are in the same stage of life... so we are compatible.

Oh... and since having kids has come up a few times... I have 2, and don't want more... and she just had her tubes tied... so we are on the same stage there also.

Edited November 7, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

It seems to me, when I read stories about how one person is in their career, and the other is still in school.... things go bad.  OR... when one person is ready to be an "Adult" and the other person just wants to go out and party... 

Agree with ^^, but @Blinded, what do these things have to do with one's age?  These are compatibility issues, not age.

I mean, two people of the exact same age might experience these same issues.  One in school, the other has a career.  One is ready to be an adult, the other still likes to party and act like a college kid.  

I think I mentioned earlier rhat there are 40 or 50 year old men (and women) who still act like college kids, drinking, partying and 20-30 year olds who act more adult and responsible. 

Also, I think when you meet someone, you can get a general sense of how old they are.  I know I can.   Like when you meet someone say 20 years or even 10 years younger or older than yourself you're gonna notice that! 

I'm sorry I know I'm an anomaly here, but I simply could not imagine meeting a man, striking up a conversation, clicking, and having him then ask me "by the way how old are you"?  And have that be a factor in whether he asks me out or not.  It's just never happened.  

You will find out eventually.

With respect to kids, I can understand a man needing to know if a woman is within child bearing years, but is it still necessary to ask her exact age upon meeting?

She might be, but not want kids!  Or the man may not want kids.  To me, these are things you discuss once you begin dating.  

Anyway, this thread has certainly been an interesting read, all the different perspectives.  Thanks to all who chimed in!  

 

 

 

Edited November 7, 2020 by poppyfields