The 'Age' Issue

[poppyfields]

Hey guys, this is a spinoff of another thread re a man not disclosing his age to his date.  Interesting thread!  

I find LS and other such forums fascinating, truly.   All the different opinions and advice.  I've actually learned a lot!  

The issue about age, when growing up, I was taught there are three questions to never ask a stranger, someone new you've just met, or started dating - someone's weight, their salary or their age.  A big NO in my neck of the woods growing up.  It just wasn't considered "proper etiquette."  

I've taken that with me as an adult.  I seriously don't give a  rat's rear end how old anyone is, including the men I've dated.  

It comes out eventually simply by viture of spending time, getting to know and learning about each other organically but I've never asked. 

It's literally never been an issue, never.  

I read a lot of these threads and someone will post "I just met this guy (or girl), he's 30 (or however old)."  And I'm thinking to myself, how do they know that?  When two people meet, is this a typical question to ask someone, a stranger, right off the bat?  

Apparently so, since I read this so often. I never have and no one has ever asked me either, it just "comes out" eventually. 

Not judging anyone for it, this thread is not about that.  To each his/her own, it's all good.  

I just find it fascinating and thought it would  make an interesting topic of discussion as it relates to dating.  

Thoughts?  

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

My 1st internet date ever, I'm pretty sure the guy lied about his age.  He mislead me about a number of other things too.  The age I probably could have over looked but the difference between him & his picture was jarring.  He was at least 10 years older & 50 lbs heavier IRL.  

[SumGuy]

Your age is usually right up front on most OLD sites...so that is how most people know I suspect.  I am always fascinated by when people say you don't look your age (I do this to) it makes me wonder what certain ages are supposed to look like and where in the world we get those mental images.

To me ones chronological age doesn't mean much, it is perhaps a temporary proxy for other things that mean something to me but no more, so I would never hide my age from someone.  I did use age as a filter in OLD just to keep the numbers manageable and to increase the odds met someone connected with, which means focusing on women ±10% my age.

[alphamale]

is this a statement or a question? of course age matters, especially when you want to have kids

[poppyfields]

The site I was on had an age range of what I was seeking, say 35-55 for example.  It didn't ask to discluse my exact age.  It was not one of the mainstream dating sites.

Fair point however, although I've read threads where people have met each other off line and they know their exact ages.  

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, alphamale said:

is this a statement or a question? of course age matters, especially when you want to have kids

It doesn't to me, and others I know so it's subjective alpha.  

I've always been able to determine "around" how old a man is, and vice versa, I never gave it a great deal of thought.  

Re kids, we just ask - hey you want kids?  

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

The site I was on had an age range of what I was seeking, say 35-55 for example.  It didn't ask to discluse my exact age.  It was not one of the mainstream dating sites.

Fair point however, although I've read threads where people have met each other off line and they know their exact ages.  

Well, if I knew someone's full name or address (especially if they have a home) or phone number could find their age pretty quickly on the internet.  But generally, all it takes is to know when someone graduated high school etc. to get an age correct.

[poppyfields]

11 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

But generally, all it takes is to know when someone graduated high school etc. to get an age correct.

Exactly, it just comes out eventually through learning about each other.  Not by directly asking upon first meet, which apparently many people do, based on threads I've read.

My fiance and I met on a dating site, he didn't even know my last name until our second date!  We chatted two weeks prior to meeting. 

Didn't know my address until our 4th date when he came for dinner. 

No wrong or right, as I said I was raised that asking "how old are you?" or the like, is a big no.   I didn't care anyway.  

 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

....

No wrong or right, as I said I was raised that asking "how old are you?" is a big no.  

Me to, but generally with adults and women.  A couple other things as well that were a big no for polite conversation.   It's not like I have a problem with asking (guess I did not internalize that teaching  ) Just in practice never ever needed to ask if it remotely mattered to me.  By the time was interested in having kids, knew full well my girlfriends age.  

[ShyViolet]

I think it's super weird not to know, or not to ask, someone's age when you are dating them.  That's something that should come up on the first date, like within the first 10 minutes of the first date.  It's a basic fact about yourself right up there with where (what general area) do you live, what do you do for a living, do you live with anyone or do you live alone, do you have kids, etc.  And if someone wants to hide their age or doesn't want to disclose their age, then they are being weird and secretive and I wouldn't trust them.  

[Ruby Slippers]

Any man I've met in the wild has offered up his age on or before the first date, and then I do the same. On most dating sites, there's a field requiring your age. I learned that anyone who fudges this info isn't worth your time.

I wouldn't date a man who refused to disclose his age. In younger years, you need to know for family planning purposes. In older years, you want to know to get an idea of alignment on retirement, fitness for shared activities. Some people who want long-term partnership/marriage don't want to sign up to take care of someone much older in very old age, and that's their right.

[alphamale]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Some people who want long-term partnership/marriage don't want to sign up to take care of someone much older in very old age, and that's their right.

unless said old person is rich

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, alphamale said:

unless said old person is rich

That doesn't mean much. Some of the stingiest people I've met are rich. You might have access to some of the money they leave behind, depending on the length of the marriage, but not necessarily all of it. Or it could all be spent on medical bills or frittered away on who knows what. 

[alphamale]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

Some of the stingiest people I've met are rich. 

poor people can be stingy too

[poppyfields]

When I was around 10, I recall asking my uncle's new wife, who looked MUCH younger, how old she was.  That's when my mom scolded me and lectured me about never asking this question, that it wasn't "proper," I believe she even called it rude! 

That is what she was raised to believe too.  As a teenager, she lectured me on the three questions to never ask. 

Their salary was another big NO.  Okay to ask what they did for a living, but never ask how much someone earns.  That's private, none of anyone's business she told me. 

Unless you're planning a future, marriage, children, then mutual finances shouid be discussed.  

Just how I was raised, my friends too.  No one asked these questions, it just wasn't done.  

Not judging anyone else for asking or needing to know, I find it interesting is all.  

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

55 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It doesn't to me, and others I know so it's subjective alpha.  

I've always been able to determine "around" how old a man is, and vice versa, I never gave it a great deal of thought.  

Re kids, we just ask - hey you want kids?  

It’s probably more relevant to men who want kids. Rightly or wrongly 35 seems to be the age that most think of when it comes to increased risk for women to have kids. Men who want kids, or aren’t sure whether or not they want kids, would likely prefer a woman who’s under 35.

[ShyViolet]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

When I was around 10, I recall asking my uncle's new wife, who looked MUCH younger, how old she was.  That's when my mom scolded me and lectured me about never asking this question, that it wasn't "proper," I believe she even called it rude! 

That is what she was raised to believe too.  As a teenager, she lectured me on the three questions to never ask. 

Their salary was another big NO.  Okay to ask what they did for a living, but never ask how much someone earns.  That's private, none of anyone's business she told me. 

Unless you're planning a future, marriage, children, then mutual finances shouid be discussed.  

Just how I was raised, my friends too.  No one asked these questions, it just wasn't done.  

Not judging anyone else for asking or needing to know, I find it interesting is all.  

Ok but this is completely different from dating someone.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's impolite to ask someone outside the context of a potential romantic relationship what their age is. And ideally you'd never have to ask a potential date/partner, as they'd be forthcoming from the start.

I agree it's rude to ask about salary. I've never done that. Interestingly, though, some men have offered up this info as well, it seemed to me in an effort to prove their suitability for long term. My last boyfriend and I didn't discuss the topic for a few months, until I got a job offer with a significant raise. I told him I wanted to let him know what the offer was because it was a huge accomplishment for me, but we had never discussed salary. Then he immediately told me how much he made, and I told him what the offer was.

[Ruby Slippers]

33 minutes ago, alphamale said:

poor people can be stingy too

Yes, generosity is an attitude, not really about how much money you have.

[poppyfields]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

Ok but this is completely different from dating someone.

That particular instance was, but when she lectured me as a teenager about the three questions to never ask - age, weight and salary, it pertained to everything including dating. 

[Ruby Slippers]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s probably more relevant to men who want kids. Rightly or wrongly 35 seems to be the age that most think of when it comes to increased risk for women to have kids. Men who want kids, or aren’t sure whether or not they want kids, would likely prefer a woman who’s under 35.

Lots of women prefer a man under 40 for procreation as well, as lots of research has come out in recent years showing that risk increases with both maternal and paternal age.

[carhill]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I seriously don't give a  rat's rear end how old anyone is, including the men I've dated.  It comes out eventually simply by viture of spending time, getting to know and learning about each other organically but I've never asked. It's literally never been an issue, never.  

Perhaps age group or demographic is pertinent, as I don't recall such ever being a pointed issue on any side during me real world dating life, most of which occurred long before the internet with online dating and a space for age was distributed to the world. From the early 70's to late 90's, dating was mostly through socializing and mutual social circle introductions and if things progressed it occurred as for you, by virtue of spending time together. Back then, yeah, it was common for older guys to hit on obviously younger women. Marriages reflected that, sometimes double digit differences. In my fathers generation it wasn't uncommon for guys in their late 20's returning from the war to marry women in their teens. Normal stuff. Of course that changed over time but it was what I was used to growing up. Anyway, no biggie. Nowadays if the lady is vertical and breathing, how old she is is between her and her priest or doctor; if she wants to share, OK, fine.

[poppyfields]

Just wanted to add, I understand how age can be important for some people, my question was -  is this a question to ask upon first meet or within the first few dates?  Is someone obligated to disclose their age right off the top otherwise they're considered devious, disingenuous?  

Reading the other thread, apparently it is, which is fine, whatever works.  

Personally for me, I just never placed much value on age, worked fine for me and the men I dated including my current. 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Lots of women prefer a man under 40 for procreation as well, as lots of research has come out in recent years showing that risk increases with both maternal and paternal age.

Yes and it’s fair to think people closer in age would be more compatible in general. So, especially if you want kids, knowing the age of the potential partner is important.

[Ruby Slippers]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

is this a question to ask upon first meet or within the first few dates?  Is someone obligated to disclose their age right off the top otherwise they're considered devious, disingenuous?  

As usual, like attracts like. People who are more detail-oriented and want to know are more likely to be forthcoming with the info, and more likely to attract similar people.

Likewise, people who are more open-ended and not as concerned with the details will be naturally drawn to one another.

I wouldn't get anywhere near a guy who wasn't forthcoming about what I consider to be a very important piece of information. Other women wouldn't care.