Fiance is going to see a Medium

[Watercolors]

Just now, poppyfields said:

I understand the control part, fair enough.  But missed the part about him gaslighting her.   He only has the one post, and it wasn't mentioned that he ever even confronted her about it let alone is gaslighting her.

The gaslighting is based on what he's written. He claims she is going to see this psychic to talk her about him, behind his back. How did he find this information out? Who did he ask? Did he snoop on her cellphone? It's a form of gaslighting because he wants to control what she does, and going to a psychic "behind his back" is where I formed the belief that he is insecure about her, based on her wealthy male friends and the way she talks openly about her liaisons with the OP and how "free" of a spirit she is. Whereas that is opposite of who the OP is.

There's literally no reason for him to be so paranoid about her going to see a psychic. Who cares what she tells this psychic anyway? She's allowed to do whatever she wants. She doesn't require his permission. That's the part that bothers me most about his complaint. She obviously didn't tell the OP she was going to see a psychic. That's her business. So, why does he care? He's here posting about it to strangers on an online forum. So he's literally doing the same thing; going to someone else for advice and feedback about his relationship problems. Did he tell her (or does he feel he needs to tell her) that he posts here? Probably he doesn't. Just like, why should she have to report her every activity to the OP as though he is her parole officer.

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

That's the part that bothers me most about his complaint. She obviously didn't tell the OP she was going to see a psychic. That's her business. So, why does he care? He's here posting about it to strangers on an online forum. So he's literally doing the same thing; going to someone else for advice and feedback about his relationship problems. Did he tell her (or does he feel he needs to tell her) that he posts here? Probably he doesn't. Just like, why should she have to report her every activity to the OP as though he is her parole officer.

WC, I don't think anything is "obvious," my original take was she told him she had spoken with the psychic on the phone and shared with him the negative sh** the psychic had told her.  But that's just as assumption, I don't know how he found out, and yeah, he may have snooped her phone, we just don't know because he hasn't returned to tell us.

Very fair point that he's doing the same thing by posting here.  It's very fair because I once posted an issue I was having with my boyfriend too, and no I did not tell him.  He had some negative sh** said about him from some posters that I never shared with him.  Now IF he had snooped my computer and discovered it, agree I would consider that quite controlling.     

It would be helpful if the OP returned and disclosed how he discovered (1) that she had spoken with a psychic on the phone and planning a visit (2) how he found out the psychic talked smack about him.

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, would it bother you if your boyfriend shared the medium's/psychic's negative info about you with you?

If I had a dysfunctional relationship lacking trust, boundaries, with little secrets left and right then yes it would bother me because probably *everything* in the relationship would bother me  BUT I don't have a relationship like that. I have a healthy, respectful, trusting relationship with my boyfriend so if BF comes back from the clairvoyante and he reports to me that she said something 'bad' about me I would laugh it off. 

I think their relationship is poisoned by lack of trust and respect.   

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

But that's just as assumption,

Be careful of assumptions. The OP hasn't come back to fill in the blanks for us. So, we don't have the full picture here unfortunately. We only have intangibles to base our opinions on. Advice based on intangibles is always faulty.

I am happily single, having been the doormat to guys who psychologically projected their insecurities and other problems on to me as the nearest target. They smothered me with their jealousy, their paranoia, their gaslighting and constant berating. Like I'd ever open myself up to a man's low opinion of me again. To me, there's no reason to be in a relationship let alone marry someone.

I love the book, "The All Or Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work" by Eli Finkel. He is a research psychologist who examines and comments on how much the concept of marriage has changed over the decades, and how, in the 21st century, we have almost too many relationship dynamic choices. He also comments on how delusional and unrealistic it is for people to claim that one other person in their life - the romantic partner - should be the "end all" to the other person. No one can be that to another person. That's why we have book clubs, soccer clubs, knitting clubs, friends, social networks, work wives and work husbands.

Modern marriage is a horrible, horrible idea for me. I would never put myself in that role with a man. No man gets to tell me what to do, how to think, what to wear, what to eat, and cater to his ego and id and everything in between. No way, no how.

The OP, should he come back, needs to take some responsibility for the way he's psychologically projecting on to his fiance all of his own relationship delusions and mis-ideas. She's done nothing wrong but be herself. Someone, whom the OP can't stand b/c he can't control her.

[Gaeta]

One more thing about their relationship being poisoned. He said she is going to the clairvoyant with her daughter, so all this bad mouthing him is happening in front of the daughter. 

[Watercolors]

Just now, Gaeta said:

One more thing about their relationship being poisoned. He said she is going to the clairvoyant with her daughter, so all this bad mouthing him is happening in front of the daughter. 

But again, how did he find out she's going to see a psychic and how does he know what the psychic said about him to her and her daughter? Until he posts here to fill in the blanks, all we can do is operate on assumptions and our own experiences.

 

[poppyfields]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Be careful of assumptions. The OP hasn't come back to fill in the blanks for us. So, we don't have the full picture here unfortunately. We only have intangibles to base our opinions on. Advice based on intangibles is always faulty.

I agree, which is why I posted "I don't know how he found out, and yeah, he may have snooped her phone, we just don't know because he hasn't returned to tell us."    I dislike assumptions also, which is why I stay away from them or try too.   So we agree on that WC.  I did on this thread, my bad.  But retracted when I realized it was just an assumption.

I'm getting married (no date set yet) so will have to check out the book you referenced The All Or Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work" by Eli Finkel.  Thanks for referencing it!

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree, which is why I posted "I don't know how he found out, and yeah, he may have snooped her phone, we just don't know because he hasn't returned to tell us."    I dislike assumptions also, which is why I stay away from them or try too.   So we agree on that WC.  I did on this thread, my bad.  But retracted when I realized it was just an assumption.

I'm getting married (no date set yet) so will have to check out the book you referenced The All Or Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work" by Eli Finkel.  Thanks for referencing it!

It's an awesome book, poppyfields. Finkel argues in his book that the people with the healthiest, happiest marriages are the people who have the most diverse social network. The more people you have in your life to fill in the different parts of your life, the less likely you are to pin all of your expectations on your significant other, which is what can cause marriages to fail.

 

[Gaeta]

To little information I agree but their history says a lot. 

I also find his choice of words interesting. 

To me THIS is not the answer having some psychic dictate to her who I am and how I feel.

Why he views a psychic as a dictator of feeling? Does he consider his gf too weak to have her own opinion. And the other part about the psychic dictating to her how 'he' feels, that tells me OP doesn't feel heard in this relationship. He feels ganged up against. 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

It's an awesome book, poppyfields. Finkel argues in his book that the people with the healthiest, happiest marriages are the people who have the most diverse social network. The more people you have in your life to fill in the different parts of your life, the less likely you are to pin all of your expectations on your significant other, which is what can cause marriages to fail.

Thanks looking forward to checking it out!  I also read a lot of Esther Perel, are you familiar with her works?   I love her videos, her advise is awesome imo.   

My fiance and I do not have the type of relationship you describe. I'm with you all the way re what you posted - "no man gets to tell me what to do, how to think, what to wear, what to eat, and cater to his ego."  I would NOT last one nanosecond with a man like that!  

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

To little information I agree but their history says a lot. 

I also find his choice of words interesting. 

To me THIS is not the answer having some psychic dictate to her who I am and how I feel.

Why he views a psychic as a dictator of feeling? Does he consider his gf too weak to have her own opinion. And the other part about the psychic dictating to her how 'he' feels, that tells me OP doesn't feel heard in this relationship. He feels ganged up against. 

I agree that the statement you italicized above gives insight into his position in their relationship. I interpret it as a statement of resentment, "how dare she seek outside advice without me." To me, it comes across as a power imbalance statement. He does not like the fact that she chose to go see another person for life advice, other than him or a marriage counselor. But, who selected the marriage counselor? The OP? It just seems like this issue is about who has the most power in this relationship.

I don't know that I agree with you that the OP feels ganged up against. I interpret it as more about his insecurity.

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks looking forward to checking it out!  I also read a lot of Esther Perel, are you familiar with her works?   I love her videos, her advise is awesome imo.   

My fiance and I do not have the type of relationship you describe. I'm with you all the way re what you posted - "no man gets to tell me what to do, how to think, what to wear, what to eat, and cater to his ego."  I would NOT last one nanosecond with a man like that!  

That is great that you have a healthy relationship and equal power with your fiance.

Yeah, Esther Perel is similar to what Dr. Eli Finkel thinks about modern marriage. We want our spouse to be everything to us, but that is just plain delusional thinking. No one person can fill all of those roles. Like, K-12 teachers. School administrators, principals and parents *expect* their child's teacher to fulfill multiple roles behind teaching their child content and life skills. It's delusional and the #1 cause of teacher burnout.

And I'm not a man-hater. I'm just one of those people who is happier single.

Edited November 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

Maybe it's a little of both?  He feels insecure and ganged up against, doesn't feel heard?  Again, just an assumption because he hasn't returned to tell us!!

[Watercolors]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Maybe it's a little of both?  He feels insecure and ganged up against, doesn't feel heard?  Again, just an assumption because he hasn't returned to tell us!!

It could be a mixture of both. The OP has to return and fill in the blanks for us. Who knows if he will.

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

And I'm not a man-hater. I'm just one of those people who is happier single.

Nothing wrong with that!!  I was a happy single too, I loved it!  And if (heaven forbid) something happened to my fiance or we don't end up getting married (shudders), I would be happy single again!

In fact, I think the best relationships are between those who are happy being on their own; comfortable in their own skin.  A relationship should enhance your life, not be your life.

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Nothing wrong with that!!  I was a happy single too, I loved it!  And if (heaven forbid) something happened to my fiance or we don't end up getting married (shudders), I would be happy single again!

In fact, I think the best relationships are between those that are happy being on their own; comfortable in their own skin.

Yeah! I'm a curmudgeon at heart and set in my ways. Not an ideal match for any guy!

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Yeah! I'm a curmudgeon at heart and set in my ways. Not an ideal match for any guy!

You never know WC.   The "right" guy just might come along when you least expect it, when you're not even looking.  And he will love your curmudgeonliness (not sure if that's an actual word but it sounded good lol).  My SIL sort of is, and my brother loves her to death!  

You're not even 50 yet are you?  I read 49, I could be wrong.  You never know WC.

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

I remember well his last thread. OP's girlfriend lies to him. Probably because he doesn't trust her so she wants to avoid confrontations. Once he grilled her for accepting to eat lunch with a vendor. He interrogates her often till he gets every details out of her. He told her that for him it's unacceptable to go eat with a male when business could have been solved on the phone. GF dismisses his feelings because she feels she isn't doing anything wrong.

These 2 are incompatible. 

On a side note. If my boyfriend had a fit because I went to a business lunch with a male it would be the end of us. 

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I remember well his last thread. OP's girlfriend lies to him. Probably because he doesn't trust her so she wants to avoid confrontations. Once he grilled her for accepting to eat lunch with a vendor. He interrogates her often till he gets every details out of her. He told her that for him it's unacceptable to go eat with a male when business could have been solved on the phone. GF dismisses his feelings because she feels she isn't doing anything wrong.

These 2 are incompatible. 

On a side note. If my boyfriend had a fit because I went to a business lunch with a male it would be the end of us. 

Wow, we can always count on you to dig up the dirt.  I made a promise to myself last time that I would read previous threads, sadly I have not lived up to my own promise!   Re bolded, me too!!

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Yeah! I'm a curmudgeon at heart and set in my ways. Not an ideal match for any guy!

You do like bf and I. You both keep you homes. You never get on each others nerves. 

[Gaeta]

Just now, poppyfields said:

Wow, we can always count on you to dig up the dirt.  

I had time tonight, everyone is in bed already so I can think 

 

[poppyfields]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

You do like bf and I. You both keep you homes. You never get on each others nerves. 

My fiance and I have our own rooms!   So did my ex and I.   Please don't infer anything from that, our sex life is awesome.  But we like our "space," and it's fun when he sneaks into my room in the middle of the night, and we wake up together.   

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You never know WC.   The "right" guy just might come along when you least expect it, when you're not even looking.  And he will love your curmudgeonliness (not sure if that's an actual word but it sounded good lol).  My SIL sort of is, and my brother loves her to death!  

You're not even 50 yet are you?  I read 49, I could be wrong.  You never know WC.

Ugh, don't make me reach for the bottle of Tums, poppy! The thought of some guy forcing me to take care of him makes my gastritis flare. I don't even want a man in my life. I view male romantic partners are nothing but a hindrance. I love being independent. The only person I want to take care of is me (and maybe a dog someday). I'm 49 soon to be 50. Good on your brother. But nah, I'd have be dragged down the marriage aisle and put on heavy sedatives to boot. There's no way I will ever do that to myself.

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I remember well his last thread. OP's girlfriend lies to him. Probably because he doesn't trust her so she wants to avoid confrontations. Once he grilled her for accepting to eat lunch with a vendor. He interrogates her often till he gets every details out of her. He told her that for him it's unacceptable to go eat with a male when business could have been solved on the phone. GF dismisses his feelings because she feels she isn't doing anything wrong.

These 2 are incompatible. 

On a side note. If my boyfriend had a fit because I went to a business lunch with a male it would be the end of us. 

She probably lies to him as a means to protect herself from his controlling behavior. Interrogating her because she talks to male vendors? Telling her she can't go out to eat with male business colleagues or clients? That's definitely gaslighting behavior. Very controlling and manipulative. Of course she dismisses his feelings. He doesn't even respect her to begin with, from the sounds of it.

I agree. The OP and his girlfriend w/her daughter are not compatible and need to just go their separate ways.

[Watercolors]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You do like bf and I. You both keep you homes. You never get on each others nerves. 

Good for you, Gaeta. You two can come and go as you please that's exactly how it should be.

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Ugh, don't make me reach for the bottle of Tums, poppy! The thought of some guy forcing me to take care of him makes my gastritis flare. I don't even want a man in my life. I view male romantic partners are nothing but a hindrance. I love being independent. The only person I want to take care of is me (and maybe a dog someday). I'm 49 soon to be 50. Good on your brother. But nah, I'd have be dragged down the marriage aisle and put on heavy sedatives to boot. There's no way I will ever do that to myself.

Okay fair enough!      I will never mention it again, I promise.   Dogs are awesome, we have a terrier mix, he was mine, now he's ours.  I highly recommend.