Fiance is going to see a Medium

[MsJayne]

The following YouTube vid gives a very accurate depiction of clairvoyants/psychics/mediums .....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nv4pymDRfrs

I have a very close relative who believes she's clairvoyant. She's not, she's just a fantasist and a dingbat. But no where near as big a dingbat as the gullible people who pay her to spout a load of twaddle dredged up from the depths of her fevered imagination. I'd be steaming mad if some anonymous crystal-ball rubber had the gall to speak ill of me and interfere in a relationship, but you have to ask what your fiance said to the medium to make her go in that direction, because that is the actual crux of the matter.  No way would I tolerate a partner taking relationship advice from an unqualified person who had never met me, it equates to no more than being gossiped about. Totally unacceptable and very manipulative behaviour from a partner who obviously doesn't trust you. If she won't go for proper counselling I'd scrutinise the dynamics of this relationship and be very careful about making a big mistake. 

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You're missing the bigger picture.  It doesn't sound like she's going there for fun.  She's seeking advice from someone unqualified and that advice, if acted upon, could be quite damaging to the relationship.

 

How is this any different to going to her friends for advice?   

[Trail Blazer]

Just now, basil67 said:

How is this any different to going to her friends for advice?   

Read my post above the one you quoted.  

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Read my post above the one you quoted.  

Nope...I didn't see anything about asking friends.   After all, friends are the best place to find confirmation bias.

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Vocals5 said:

 Her and I have our issues just like many other couples 

I would not call your issues with your girlfriend 'ordinary issues all couples have'. You are overly jealous, suspicious, and she's maintaining blurred lines in the relationship that has you go nuts. When it's THAT hard to be together it's because it's not meant to be. You don't trust each other and this from day 1, the fact she wants to see a medium is the least of your problems. This relationship is bringing you a lot of heartaches, I don't know why you're forcing it.

No I would not mind my partner going to see a clairvoyant as I trust him and I trust his judgement and I know he can make the difference between reality and a fun activity. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How is this any different to going to her friends for advice?   

I'd be pissed about a friend feeding him negative crap about me too, and telling me about it.  

[Trail Blazer]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nope...I didn't see anything about asking friends.   After all, friends are the best place to find confirmation bias.

You're the one bringing friends into this.  Friends are a given, and many people do seek friends who don't help the cause.  If that was OP's issue then he would have said that.  He didn't, though, so it's trifling.

I cannot speak on behalf of OP, but I can readonably surmise that his issue is that he thought his fianceè was on the same page as he with regards to seeking professional advice but it turns out they're poles apart as she sought the counsel of a faux-professional.

You tell me, why would OP's fianceè seek out a medium if she can just talk to her friends for free instead?

 

[basil67]

 

2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You tell me, why would OP's fianceè seek out a medium if she can just talk to her friends for free instead?

 

I would wager that she's getting advice from many corners.  

Also, one can get advice from different sources AND seek couples counselling.  Of course, the OP can bring up his frustration about the medium in the couple's counselling.

Edited November 2, 2020 by basil67

[Watercolors]

15 hours ago, Vocals5 said:

I found out my fiance of a little over a year is going to see a Medium (Clairvoyant) with her daughter sometime this week. She doesn't know that I know she's planning to go. Apparently this 'Medium' had some 'not so nice' things to say about me when they spoke briefly on the phone. Her and I have our issues just like many other couples and we talked about going to counselling because our communication and understanding of each other needs help. To me THIS is not the answer having some psychic dictate to her who I am and how I feel. Not fair. Would you be upset if your fiance went behind your back to see some psychic about you?

I agree with Gaeta that the real issue isn't that your fiance is going to see a psychic. It's that she is doing something without your permission. That is an indicator that you have control issues and that there is a power struggle in your relationship with your fiance; you want all the power and you want to take hers away from her.

Your response to your fiance having the free will to pursue a fun activity (for herself) is the real problem here. What she does hobby-wise, is not up to you. That's not your call to make. You cannot tell your fiance what she can and cannot do. What the psychic tells your fiance at her reading is none of your business. She does not need to ask your permission to do anything -- let alone see a psychic.

Quote

She doesn't know that I know she's planning to go.

How did you find out? Who told you? Or did you snoop on her computer or cellphone calendar to find out?

I would not be upset if my finance went to see a psychic. I would be upset if my finance was having sex with someone behind my back though. That's a more serious issue than a visit to a psychic.

[Trail Blazer]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

I see talking to a medium as less invasive than talking her close girlfriends.  And I don't see anything wrong with bouncing relationship issues around with BFFS.   And after all, if she decides to walk away after talking to either, then obviously they were just confirming what she already believes.  

If she's committed to you, neither a medium or her best friends cold break that.

 

 

 

And if she's not committed she'll follow-up with unqualified advice by turning around and throwing it in his face.  Just like she is doing.  Hence, OP is pissed.

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

And if she's not committed she'll follow-up with unqualified advice by turning around and throwing it in his face.  Just like she is doing.  Hence, OP is pissed.

Nah. The psychic isn't the real issue here. It's the fact that the OP wants to control his public image. He admitted in his OP that he and his fiance already have communication problems that he believes warrants the intervention of a marriage counselor. The fact that his fiance wants to seek outside support - in addition to the counselor or not in addition to - is none of the OP's business. He cannot control his public image through coercion or threats or ultimatums. Plenty do, but that type of toxic behavior has a label for it: abuse.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Watercolors

[Trail Blazer]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I would wager that she's getting advice from many corners.  

Also, one can get advice from different sources AND seek couples counselling.  Of course, the OP can bring up his frustration about the medium in the couple's counselling.

Potentially.  But that goes without saying, especially in the case of females, that they vent to their friends and lend each other shoulders to cry on.

Where OP has an issue is that instead of going to couples therapy, his fianceè sought the counsel of someone unprofessional and is using that advice against him.

OP could be all kinds of controlling and what she shared to the medium may well all be fair and reasonable, including the advice which she received in return.

I find the likeliehood of that scenario to be highly unlikely, though.  I'd question the veracity of anything information shared by a person who feels that seeking counsel for marital problems is sound decision making.

[basil67]

@Vocals5  A look at your history with this woman indicates that her seeing a medium is the least of your problems with her.   Your relationship has far bigger problems than this.    Focus on the big picture.  

[Trail Blazer]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Nah. The psychic isn't the real issue here. It's the fact that the OP wants to control his public image. He admitted in his OP that he and his fiance already have communication problems that he believes warrants the intervention of a marriage counselor. The fact that his fiance wants to seek outside support - in addition to the counselor or not in addition to - is none of the OP's business. He cannot control his public image through coercion or threats or ultimatums. Plenty do, but that type of toxic behavior has a label for it: abuse.

I suspect that if the advice had come from someone professional, OP might not have had such an issue with it.

I know that if I was in a relationship in which a partner threw a whole bunch of accusations at me which came from a medium I'd be telling her to GTFO (figuratively) with her quackery.

If, however, OP had an issue with what a suitably qualified professional said, then that would be on him.

[basil67]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I thought mediums talked to the dead. 

I would imagine that the OP is using the word generically.  Could equally have been a Tarot reader or clairvoyant.  

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, would it bother you if your boyfriend shared the medium's/psychic's negative info about you with you?

Edited November 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

19 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I know that if I was in a relationship in which a partner threw a whole bunch of accusations at me which came from a medium I'd be telling her to GTFO (figuratively) with her quackery.

This^.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

 No way would I tolerate a partner taking relationship advice from an unqualified person who had never met me, it equates to no more than being gossiped about. Totally unacceptable and very manipulative behaviour...

So... LS?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gaeta, would it bother you if your boyfriend shared the medium's/psychic's negative info about you with you?

You made much the same comment to me too, so I will answer.   I don't believe in psychics, so I would pay no attention to what one said.   I would however want to know what the partner told the psychic because that would say a lot about how they were feeling about me/the relationship.  

 

[MsJayne]

5 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

So... LS?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You made much the same comment to me too, so I will answer.   I don't believe in psychics, so I would pay no attention to what one said.   I would however want to know what the partner told the psychic because that would say a lot about how they were feeling about me/the relationship.  

Fair enough (bolded).  Nor would I.  What would bother me is my boyfriend sharing it with me.   Like, what's the point of that?  Is he covertly or passive/aggressively trying to point out my faults without it directly coming from him?  

That's what I would be questioning.  

Assuming his fiance is the one who told him which we don't know because he hasn't returned to answer.  

He may have snooped her devices and discovered it for all we know.  Equally as toxic imo.

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[basil67]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

What would bother me is my boyfriend sharing it with me.   Like, what's the point of that?  Is he covertly or passive/aggressively trying to point out my faults without it directly coming from him? 

I would have assumed that the partner is presenting it as support for their view.  Same as "all my friends/online forum people agree with me".    Of course, it's only an assumption.   Short of the OP coming back, we're going nowhere with this.

 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I would have assumed that the partner is presenting it as support for their view.  Same as "all my friends/online forum people agree with me".    Of course, it's only an assumption.   Short of the OP coming back, we're going nowhere with this.

 

Thats precisely my point basil.   If that's the fiance's view (that he has all these faults that he apparently needs to fix otherwise why mention), then all the more reason to be concerned.  They're engaged to be married.

Edited November 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

Thats precisely my point basil.   If that's the fiance's view (that he has all these faults) then all the more reason to be concerned. 

Ever hear that phrase, "Please don't kill the messenger?" The psychic is just someone the OP's fiance goes to for life advice. So what. Would the OP respond any differently if his fiance went to a friend, a social worker, marriage counselor or family member? No, I think not. The OP is focusing on the middle man (the 'messenger') instead of his own behavior, which is all he has control over. He cannot control his fiance. Gaslighting her about going to see a psychic instead of or before going to a counselor with him to discuss their relationship problems, is the real problem here. Forget about the fact that the OP fiance's going to a psychic. That's not the real problem.

[poppyfields]

I understand the control part, fair enough.  But missed the part about him gaslighting her.   He only has the one post, and it wasn't mentioned that he ever even confronted her about it let alone is gaslighting her.