Why does dating have to be so brutal?

[kendahke]

17 hours ago, Myasylum said:

The endless texting over and over again that leads to nothing. 

It leads to nothing when you don't state up front in your profile that you aren't interested in a protracted texting adventure or to be electronic pen pals.

If by 7 days of initial contact you're not talking about an in-person meeting, quit wasting your time. They're not interested in meeting you--they're only after online attention.

Also, you're going to have to face the fact that no one owes you a relationship just because you want one.  It's what a lot of us have had to come to terms with when it comes to relationships.  That's just the reality in 20 damn near 21.  If it's too much, don't do OLD. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by kendahke

[Miss Spider]

Kendahke is right. 
also, like the very high value guy that will be inclined to sleep with a woman below his standards, remember that women will be inclined to chat or get attention from guys that are below their standards. The endless chatter should be sign  for you that things are not progressing and that you might be being used as an emotional tampon, not a prospective sexual partner 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Allupinnit]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I'm sure this is accurate for some men and some women.  My direct personal experience says otherwise.  

In my experience men overinflate their value all the time, their ego is incredibly fragile.   They think they are in better shape than they are in, they think they are more interesting than they are, they think they are better in bed than they are, they think their contribution ot the relationship is more than it is, they think they are smarter and more important than they are (this is so common there is even a word for it "mansplaining"...I just love that word it describes so much behavior I've seen in L2 meetings, from women as well as men).

If she is below his "league" and she doesn't warm to his advances there is something wrong with her....and maybe women in general....which quickly turns into she overinflates her value.   Same on OLD or dating in general where men go on and on about how great they are (usually just a list of baseline half-way decent traits) and get hurt and offended when they can't find a woman.  Somehow it is always women who are messing up the pre-ordained "natural order" by such actions.   Bullocks.   

If one must use the transactional metaphors of the market, and view the dating world through such a lens, then accept that a persons "value" is whatever the market will bear....value changes all the time, there is no natural order, just supply and demand.  If women have such an easy time getting the sex they want then they are not overvaluing themselves at all...that is just the market.  Men that get hurt by this somehow want to think this is unfair while saying that is the way it is.  If one buys into such market views, it is not unfair, in fact far from it.   It is free and open competition with zero barriers to entry....it is far more fair than most markets.  It's like complaining your business fails when you have a sub-standard product, that may be hard to use, poor marketing and when customers complain you blame them.  Of course your business is going to fail, why shouldn't it?

Just to be clear, I think the market analogy (really a transactional analogy) for dating or relationships is a poor one that leads to bad decisions, all the while understanding that many people subscribe to it and appear to take comfort in it.  Personally, I have strived my entire life to steer clear of dating those with such a mindset....and invariably have never experienced all those stereotypical awful or confusing things women do.  Alas the few times I ignored this is when the stereotypical behavior arose.

All of this!

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I'm sure this is accurate for some men and some women.  My direct personal experience says otherwise.  

In my experience men overinflate their value all the time, their ego is incredibly fragile.   They think they are in better shape than they are in, they think they are more interesting than they are, they think they are better in bed than they are, they think their contribution ot the relationship is more than it is, they think they are smarter and more important than they are (this is so common there is even a word for it "mansplaining"...I just love that word it describes so much behavior I've seen in L2 meetings, from women as well as men).

If she is below his "league" and she doesn't warm to his advances there is something wrong with her....and maybe women in general....which quickly turns into she overinflates her value.   Same on OLD or dating in general where men go on and on about how great they are (usually just a list of baseline half-way decent traits) and get hurt and offended when they can't find a woman.  Somehow it is always women who are messing up the pre-ordained "natural order" by such actions.   Bullocks.   

If one must use the transactional metaphors of the market, and view the dating world through such a lens, then accept that a persons "value" is whatever the market will bear....value changes all the time, there is no natural order, just supply and demand.  If women have such an easy time getting the sex they want then they are not overvaluing themselves at all...that is just the market.  Men that get hurt by this somehow want to think this is unfair while saying that is the way it is.  If one buys into such market views, it is not unfair, in fact far from it.   It is free and open competition with zero barriers to entry....it is far more fair than most markets.  It's like complaining your business fails when you have a sub-standard product, that may be hard to use, poor marketing and when customers complain you blame them.  Of course your business is going to fail, why shouldn't it?

Just to be clear, I think the market analogy (really a transactional analogy) for dating or relationships is a poor one that leads to bad decisions, all the while understanding that many people subscribe to it and appear to take comfort in it.  Personally, I have strived my entire life to steer clear of dating those with such a mindset....and invariably have never experienced all those stereotypical awful or confusing things women do.  Alas the few times I ignored this is when the stereotypical behavior arose.

There's no doubt that when men lower their standards for sex, their entitlement then increases immensely. 

A man who lowers his standards (in his eyes) often thinks that sex is fait accompli.  When his advances are rejected, he can't understand why and thus, his nose become severely out of joint.

The problem is that many men are just stupid and hav no idea how women think.  They operate only from the male frame.

This, however, doesn't change my point.  Men's standards drop when seeking the instant gratification of sex.  Heck, I've done it many times in my youth by way of picking up at the club someone I'd never take home to Mom.

How many women do you see going home from a club with a man below her league.  I've never seen it happen because, I dare say, it very rarely does happen.

Men who want to entertain a relationship are going to be more picky about the face they're going to be waking up to every morning than the one they only have to wake up to once.

So, the point is that women don't understand that a man's need for sex will potentially reduce his standards.  Women think "if he wants to have sex with me then he must find me attractive" which is simply not always the case.

Do you see where the problem lies when that's then transferred to than standard women are accustomed to pulling for sex, when they seek relationships?  It's why many women get used for sex and get huffy when anyone suggests after the fact that they are being too fussy.

[Miss Spider]

I agree with trail blazer .

 

A problem I also could also see happening is that the women looking for serious rships are tied up in a casual relationship/situationship with a guy from the app that’s spinning like 5+ women including them. This guy is probably has a lot of women on the app that want him because of his looks, success, personality, or whatever, but his standards are way up there. While he looks for his unicorn(or doesn’t), he is willing to sleep with/have casual sex with all these other women, who think they have a shot of winning his heart because he’s showing interest. But it is a conquest, validation, or just plain sex for him...

So, what does that leave Joe Average ? The woman has her hopes tied on Mr. Perfect and because he’s spending some time on her and giving some attention to her [to bang her]why would she give Mr. Average the time of day. 
 

but I also agree with sumguy. I see this on the other side with men to some extent. I’ve seen a lot of guys pine over women who throw them a bone or two by letting them take her out and buy her and her friends drinks when she’s bored one night. Or help her install her stripper pole or something. Chatting with Instagram catfish who say they will meet “soon” for months... they just need a little money first. And where does that leave the girls who actually would be interested in them and most likely are a better match ... 

 

you have to account for this in a lot of what’s happening online

Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[SumGuy]

19 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

....

The problem is that many men are just stupid and hav no idea how women think.  They operate only from the male frame.

....

 

100% agree and I think the very idea their problems in finding Mr. Right due to inflated images of themselves is exactly a "male frame" / projecting how men think on to women...and a potentially dangerous line of thinking as I go into more below.

Quote

This, however, doesn't change my point.  Men's standards drop when seeking the instant gratification of sex.  Heck, I've done it many times in my youth by way of picking up at the club someone I'd never take home to Mom

On that point I won't disagree...the last part sounds very madonna-whore complex to me.

Quote

How many women do you see going home from a club with a man below her league.  I've never seen it happen because, I dare say, it very rarely does happen

I believe that if by league you mean looks (which it must because that is the only info you have) this is just more male frame thinking.  As I thought you yourself have said there is more to attraction for most women than looks, of course there are women who are mostly about looks and maybe those are the ones at these clubs.  On that note, anecdotal evidence from observing women who go to clubs to pick up guys just does not extrapolate to why most women in general get "picky."  I seriously doubt your theory applies to most of these women you observed at the clubs let alone women in general.

Quote

 

So, the point is that women don't understand that a man's need for sex will potentially reduce his standards.  Women think "if he wants to have sex with me then he must find me attractive" which is simply not always the case.

Do you see where the problem lies when that's then transferred to than standard women are accustomed to pulling for sex, when they seek relationships?  It's why many women get used for sex and get huffy when anyone suggests after the fact that they are being too fussy.

 

Oh I agree that men lower their standards for sex (women too on other fronts that you may not see)....more my point is that men overvalue themselves because they are surprised when the woman so "clearly beneath them" says no, which I think we agree on...that whole male frame I believe you mentioned.  

Maybe it is my generation or just people I've known, but it has been common knowledge amongst all the women I have met since high school (and seen on the internet) that a fair number of men will lower their standards for sex, that is just the tip of the iceberg, they will lie and deceive and say whatever the woman wants to hear for sex...so much so men will pay good money on how to deceive for sex hence the whole PUA community.   I'd say women know it so much that when they meet a genuine decent man they wonder.

I do think it is a lot more complex why women are picky and the primary reasons have nothing to do with the ability to get laid when they want with who they want.  (let's just assume that is true)

That the reason they can't find a good man and get picky because they can get easy sex and thus get deluded sounds like a very incel kind of thing to say. 

It sounds like jealousy of women's sexual freedom and power, of their sexual choice, and more importantly to disenfranchise them by saying women don't really know their own minds.  Or more importantly people who live a way someone else doesn’t like don't know their own minds.....the incel can thus safely ignore what women say because he knows all the women who do not behave the way he approves of are just deluded.   Now it helps if one can find a cherry picked subset of women or video of a truly deluded women and then hold that up as the poster child for all women. 

For those reasons it sounds very incel....and it's not like I had to come up with this line of "reasoning"...I've seen this on websites, forums, etc. that cater to this, just look at any PUA site, MGTOW, etc. and you can find the lament about how women are deluded as you mention with a healthy dose of throwing around evolutionary biology phrases (and cherry picked anecdotes) to make it sound like it is anything but the millennia old libel that "women are the root of all evil." 

In my experience, on the sites where I would personally call the women so picky they are defeating themselves it has nothing to do with easy access to sex, they do not have a history of going to clubs, or hook-up apps, etc.  In fact, of the women I have seen who do go pick up people just for sex, they are very much aware that the pool they are selecting such men from is less than optimal...they more have a problem of where to look for the good men and just can't find them.  

The men who are lowering their standards for sex these women are hooking up with may be more physically attractive than these women could "otherwise get" but that is the only thing these men have that is out of these women's "league."  When it comes to everything else of importance to a LTR these men are below the standard these women could get...and they know that and that is what they complain about when they say they can't find a good man.  It is not looks but character that is in their "league" that is hard to find.  Or maybe there is the unspoken view that women who would just sleep with men are of low character and the Mr. ONS is the best they can get?  You know the whole madonna-whore complex thing.

Of course men want to say it is all about looks (more male frame there) and then they get to play the I told you so card because these women won't date them.  They like to say women would have no problems if they weren't stuck up and deluded (the proof of them being stuck up and deluded is because they won't date these men who say these things).   Alas if these poor women had not bought into sexual freedom (although the guys who sleep with them never say no) and stuck to more proper male-female relationships they would have no problems. 

These "i told you so guys" seem to think the only reason they are not getting dates is because women have an inflated sense of the looks they can get in a man (ohh so much projection/male frame their).  Nope the reality is that in most cases these guys have some character defect in addition to probably being far below average in looks.

Sure there are women who are all about looks, as there are plenty of men as well.   Sure there are women (and men) who are just plain dumb.  In either case I think that mindset, or lack of mind, sets one up to be delusional.  Nevertheless do not agree the majority of women fail to find Mr. Right because they are deluded and picky about the attractiveness of the guy they can get because getting sex is easier for women. Again even assuming that fundamental axiom (upon which this whole conclusions rests) is true.

Hey though, whatever guys want to tell themselves to make themselves feel better.  As long as this thinking doesn't snowball into violence.

 

 

 

Edited November 3, 2020 by SumGuy

[Allupinnit]

Maybe men could start with treating women like human beings with feelings instead of something to masturbate into until wifey shows up. 

[CLS63AMG]

On 11/2/2020 at 12:20 AM, MsJayne said:

Yep, a lot of people are quite misguided about what they have to offer in a relationship and they price themselves out of the market. I know a lot of women who are truly deluded.  60 YO girlfriend, once a statuesque blonde goddess, now a wrinkly old lady but convinced that she's still smokin' hot. Has spent the last few years in a sea of dating confusion, unable to understand why "high quality" men, (she wants a doctor, a lawyer, anyone who comes with built-in prestige and a respectable bank balance), aren't beating a path to her door. She looks down her nose at guys who are actually in her league. I think this kind of self-delusion is pretty common behaviour now, whatever a persons age. Back when I was still dating I used to leave the sports car at home and turn up to dates in an old Ford that I own, complete with a few dents and an engine rattle. Why? because I wanted to avoid the kind of men who would think I was beneath them because I was driving the wrong kind of car.  

And yes, the world has gone barking mad. Narcissism and greed are rampant, and so are appallingly bad manners, and both women and men are guilty. 

Yup, I keep quiet about my lake front cottage and business that allows me free time to do anything.  I purposely use less than awesome photos and see what comes to me, #1 I dont want a super model I just want a good girl but those seem to be quite rare on the apps.  Seems to be 10's or 1's

[smackie9]

If you are referring to OLD, it used to be OK until the predatory, mentally unstable, anxious people discovered it and made it gross.

[Ruby Slippers]

21 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, the point is that women don't understand that a man's need for sex will potentially reduce his standards.  Women think "if he wants to have sex with me then he must find me attractive" which is simply not always the case.

I think most women do understand this. Some men lower their standards for easy sex, and some women lower their standards for easy money. Most loving, lasting relationships not based primarily on the trade of money for sex/arm candy/etc. involve two people in about the same league.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think most women do understand this. Some men lower their standards for easy sex, and some women lower their standards for easy money. Most loving, lasting relationships not based primarily on the trade of money for sex/arm candy/etc. involve two people in about the same league.

I totalltly agree.

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, SumGuy said:

 

100% agree and I think the very idea their problems in finding Mr. Right due to inflated images of themselves is exactly a "male frame" / projecting how men think on to women...and a potentially dangerous line of thinking as I go into more below.

On that point I won't disagree...the last part sounds very madonna-whore complex to me.

I believe that if by league you mean looks (which it must because that is the only info you have) this is just more male frame thinking.  As I thought you yourself have said there is more to attraction for most women than looks, of course there are women who are mostly about looks and maybe those are the ones at these clubs.  On that note, anecdotal evidence from observing women who go to clubs to pick up guys just does not extrapolate to why most women in general get "picky."  I seriously doubt your theory applies to most of these women you observed at the clubs let alone women in general.

Oh I agree that men lower their standards for sex (women too on other fronts that you may not see)....more my point is that men overvalue themselves because they are surprised when the woman so "clearly beneath them" says no, which I think we agree on...that whole male frame I believe you mentioned.  

Maybe it is my generation or just people I've known, but it has been common knowledge amongst all the women I have met since high school (and seen on the internet) that a fair number of men will lower their standards for sex, that is just the tip of the iceberg, they will lie and deceive and say whatever the woman wants to hear for sex...so much so men will pay good money on how to deceive for sex hence the whole PUA community.   I'd say women know it so much that when they meet a genuine decent man they wonder.

I do think it is a lot more complex why women are picky and the primary reasons have nothing to do with the ability to get laid when they want with who they want.  (let's just assume that is true)

That the reason they can't find a good man and get picky because they can get easy sex and thus get deluded sounds like a very incel kind of thing to say. 

It sounds like jealousy of women's sexual freedom and power, of their sexual choice, and more importantly to disenfranchise them by saying women don't really know their own minds.  Or more importantly people who live a way someone else doesn’t like don't know their own minds.....the incel can thus safely ignore what women say because he knows all the women who do not behave the way he approves of are just deluded.   Now it helps if one can find a cherry picked subset of women or video of a truly deluded women and then hold that up as the poster child for all women. 

For those reasons it sounds very incel....and it's not like I had to come up with this line of "reasoning"...I've seen this on websites, forums, etc. that cater to this, just look at any PUA site, MGTOW, etc. and you can find the lament about how women are deluded as you mention with a healthy dose of throwing around evolutionary biology phrases (and cherry picked anecdotes) to make it sound like it is anything but the millennia old libel that "women are the root of all evil." 

In my experience, on the sites where I would personally call the women so picky they are defeating themselves it has nothing to do with easy access to sex, they do not have a history of going to clubs, or hook-up apps, etc.  In fact, of the women I have seen who do go pick up people just for sex, they are very much aware that the pool they are selecting such men from is less than optimal...they more have a problem of where to look for the good men and just can't find them.  

The men who are lowering their standards for sex these women are hooking up with may be more physically attractive than these women could "otherwise get" but that is the only thing these men have that is out of these women's "league."  When it comes to everything else of importance to a LTR these men are below the standard these women could get...and they know that and that is what they complain about when they say they can't find a good man.  It is not looks but character that is in their "league" that is hard to find.  Or maybe there is the unspoken view that women who would just sleep with men are of low character and the Mr. ONS is the best they can get?  You know the whole madonna-whore complex thing.

Of course men want to say it is all about looks (more male frame there) and then they get to play the I told you so card because these women won't date them.  They like to say women would have no problems if they weren't stuck up and deluded (the proof of them being stuck up and deluded is because they won't date these men who say these things).   Alas if these poor women had not bought into sexual freedom (although the guys who sleep with them never say no) and stuck to more proper male-female relationships they would have no problems. 

These "i told you so guys" seem to think the only reason they are not getting dates is because women have an inflated sense of the looks they can get in a man (ohh so much projection/male frame their).  Nope the reality is that in most cases these guys have some character defect in addition to probably being far below average in looks.

Sure there are women who are all about looks, as there are plenty of men as well.   Sure there are women (and men) who are just plain dumb.  In either case I think that mindset, or lack of mind, sets one up to be delusional.  Nevertheless do not agree the majority of women fail to find Mr. Right because they are deluded and picky about the attractiveness of the guy they can get because getting sex is easier for women. Again even assuming that fundamental axiom (upon which this whole conclusions rests) is true.

Hey though, whatever guys want to tell themselves to make themselves feel better.  As long as this thinking doesn't snowball into violence.

 

 

 

We'll have to agree to disagree with a lot of our beleifs, or we'll just keep going around in circles.

What I will say about looks is that all things being equal, the better looking guy will always win out.  A guy could tick all a woman's boxes, except in the looks department.  If she doesn't feel sexual attraction, no right swipe for him!

Of course, looks will only get a man so far before all of his other attributes come into play.  But on an OLD site, looks and usually looks only will get him through the door.

To suggest otherwise is to actually suggest that the many, very decent men, using OLD who aren't the best looking and subsequently have very little success have observable metrics which preclude them from being swiped on, which is simply not the case.

The only correlation between the quantity of swipes generally both sexes will receive would be dependent upon their looks.  From a profile stack, when choosing to swipe right or left, what else do women have to go on?

Sure, there might be things about a guy who's otherwise attractive physically, but something about his profile is off-putting.  That particular woman will swipe left. 

However, it doesn't work the other way around.  No woman is going to see an unattractive man and then go looking for other aspects that she might find attractive.  It'll just be an instant NEXT!

And, just for the record, I'm not speaking through personal experience or frustration when it comes to OLD.  I just feel for many of the guys' experiences I've read on here where they are at their witts ends with constant rejection.  The common denominator throughout all of their postings is seemingly about looks.

 

 

[Allupinnit]

@Trail Blazer - is that you in your profile pic?  Do you use that one for online dating?

[Trail Blazer]

18 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@Trail Blazer - is that you in your profile pic?  Do you use that one for online dating?

It's actually my identical twin brother, but for all intents and purposes it is me as we are genetically the same.  And no, I have not used OLD for a year as I'm in a relationship.

Edited November 4, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

It's actually my identical twin brother, but for all intents and purposes it is me as we are genetically the same.  And no, I have not used OLD for a year as I'm in a relationship.

@Trail Blazer are you sure it's your identical twin brother?  I think it looks not unlike Lucifer from the TV series.  

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it's true. There's an inordinate amount of time wasters on dating apps.

Some people think of it as an entertaining mindless browsing session.

Some people are on there in an attempt to "move on", when still in the throes of a breakup or the aftermath of divorce.

Some people see it as online shopping as if it's the Amazon or Walmart of  sex

Some people are catfishing, some are just bored, some are lonely and desperate for attention.

The only way to protect yourself from burn out is to first of all avoid free and hookup style apps.

Most importantly is to have strict protocols for talking, meeting and messaging. That means skip the texters and meet  promptly with the real person.

It also means having a firm list of red flags and deal breakers to quickly rule out people. Including people who won't meet promptly or seem to be jerking you around.

This means being realistic. Not communicating with people from distant places or with a tractor trailer of baggage.

Once a good online dating strategy is formed, it can more swiftly get rid of the garbage and move straight to those with some potential.

Not everyone will be a good match. That's determined after careful screening and a brief coffee meet.

If that doesn't pan out to a second date, then you just move forward.

 

Edited November 4, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

@Trail Blazer- is that you in your profile pic?  Do you use that one for online dating?

Are you looking for dates from forums?

[Trail Blazer]

17 hours ago, CLS63AMG said:

Yup, I keep quiet about my lake front cottage and business that allows me free time to do anything.  I purposely use less than awesome photos and see what comes to me, #1 I dont want a super model I just want a good girl but those seem to be quite rare on the apps.  Seems to be 10's or 1's

I hope you don't turn up to a first date in the Merc, either, in that case...

Edited November 4, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[Allupinnit]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you looking for dates from forums?

Happily married.

[ThereSheGoes]

19 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

However, it doesn't work the other way around.  No woman is going to see an unattractive man and then go looking for other aspects that she might find attractive.  It'll just be an instant NEXT!

 

And, just for the record, I'm not speaking through personal experience or frustration when it comes to OLD.  I just feel for many of the guys' experiences I've read on here where they are at their witts ends with constant rejection.  The common denominator throughout all of their postings is seemingly about looks.

 

 

....I do this. o.O Does this mean I'm doing the online dating thing wrong? Because when I'm swiping, I'm not just looking at pictures, I'm also looking at bios. And if I see a man who is 'Unattractive', I'll still look and see if we might have stuff in common, personality-wise. And if he does seem like a cool guy, I'll swipe Right. I have dated guys in the past who would be considered 'ugly' and they were pretty decent, for the most part. And I also don't put too much value in to physical looks to begin with. In fact, if I see a guy with abs, regardless of his bio, I'm more inclined to swipe Left. Just because, to ME, it comes across as physical appearance being something very important to him. For me, it's more of a reflection of his character. And as someone who is not in the Bros of the world, I'm repulsed by superficiality.

That being said, 'unattractive men' for some reason, don't put a lot of stuff in their Bio. It's usually bare. So, as someone who doesn't care about looks, will see these guys, and since you're not giving me anything to consider, thats an automatic swipe Left for me. It's like submitting a blank resume.

[ThereSheGoes]

Just now, ThereSheGoes said:

....I do this. o.O Does this mean I'm doing the online dating thing wrong? Because when I'm swiping, I'm not just looking at pictures, I'm also looking at bios. And if I see a man who is 'Unattractive', I'll still look and see if we might have stuff in common, personality-wise. And if he does seem like a cool guy, I'll swipe Right. I have dated guys in the past who would be considered 'ugly' and they were pretty decent, for the most part. And I also don't put too much value in to physical looks to begin with. In fact, if I see a guy with abs, regardless of his bio, I'm more inclined to swipe Left. Just because, to ME, it comes across as physical appearance being something very important to him. For me, it's more of a reflection of his character. And as someone who is not in to the Bros of the world, I'm repulsed by superficiality.

That being said, 'unattractive men' for some reason, don't put a lot of stuff in their Bio. It's usually bare. So, as someone who doesn't care about looks, will see these guys, and since you're not giving me anything to consider, thats an automatic swipe Left for me. It's like submitting a blank resume.

 

[poppyfields]

Yeah I guess everyone is different and @TB not sure what women you’ve spoken to or referring to, but for me and many women I know, I don’t go for just straight looks (all things being equal).  In fact when I used to work in the entertainment industry in NYC where there were tons of classically good looking guys, I had models hitting on me and wasn’t interested in ANY of them, literally.   

Ever see the movie Sleepless in Seattle where Tom Hanks character is telling his son, when it comes to dating, I like to “get a feeling” about a woman?  That’s how I feel about dating too, I simply “get a feeling” about them and go from there.  And as odd as this might sound, I am able to “get that feeling” from interacting on line too.  I did with my fiancé, and it was almost immediate.  Just from talking/ interacting on line, and it was mutual. 

He looks sort of like Richard Gere about 20 years ago, but that is not what attracted me.   There were men that I would consider better looking who hit me up (again all things being equal) but there was just something about my fiancé's look that clicked with me.  That somethin somethin as they say.

I’ve been attracted to men that some of my friends thought were no great shakes at all.  But again, for me it was just that somethin somethin, it’s hard to define.   Something about his look that was appealing to me, that I found attractive.  None of my friends could see it, but didn't matter.  I did.  

Edited November 4, 2020 by poppyfields

[Trail Blazer]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Trail Blazer are you sure it's your identical twin brother?  I think it looks not unlike Lucifer from the TV series.  

On second thoughts, I don't have an identical twin brother.  So, it must be that dude from Lucifer!

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

On second thoughts, I don't have an identical twin brother.  So, it must be that dude from Lucifer!

Lol, will the "real" Trail Blazer please stand up? 

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

....I do this. o.O Does this mean I'm doing the online dating thing wrong? Because when I'm swiping, I'm not just looking at pictures, I'm also looking at bios. And if I see a man who is 'Unattractive', I'll still look and see if we might have stuff in common, personality-wise. And if he does seem like a cool guy, I'll swipe Right. I have dated guys in the past who would be considered 'ugly' and they were pretty decent, for the most part. And I also don't put too much value in to physical looks to begin with. In fact, if I see a guy with abs, regardless of his bio, I'm more inclined to swipe Left. Just because, to ME, it comes across as physical appearance being something very important to him. For me, it's more of a reflection of his character. And as someone who is not in the Bros of the world, I'm repulsed by superficiality.

That being said, 'unattractive men' for some reason, don't put a lot of stuff in their Bio. It's usually bare. So, as someone who doesn't care about looks, will see these guys, and since you're not giving me anything to consider, thats an automatic swipe Left for me. It's like submitting a blank resume.

Do you seriously bother looking at bios?  I doubt you look at nearly enough bios to say with any conviction that you give many of the not-so-physically-attractive guys a real shot.

I can understand why you wouldn't go for the shirtless ab guys.  I do know that it turns off a lot of women.  It's not my thing to do, either.  Whether I have a body for it or not, every one of my OLD photos had me fully clothed!

I'm surprised that to hear that your opinion is that unattractive guys don't put effort into their bio.  I would have thought it'd be the other way around.  Unattractive guys do everything they can to make their profilr as appealing as possible, while attractive guys don't really have to.

From my own experience, I never bothered reading bios until after I'd match with someone.  The very odd few profiles I may have looked before swiping, but that was either someone I was extremely attracted to, or someone who I was on the borderline of swiping either left or right.  Something in their bio may way me either way.

I personally never bothered with a bio.  Other than mentioning that I work out of town a lot and if you're someone who needs to be joined at the hip, please next me.  I still received more than enough matches to keep me out of trouble (or get me into trouble)!