I can't really understand her

[jamesler]

Hi, I need your help. My goal is / was to get into a relationship and not just sex, but I have serious difficulty understanding how the situation has evolved and what were the mistakes that brought me here.

We are both 28 years old. I met her on Tinder a month ago, we both had a long story of about 8 years (ended more than a year ago), after about ten days of chat, we get to see each other. According to her, she couldn't wait to find out if I could make her laugh as much as in chat.

I opted for a walk because I like to be able to talk to get to know each other, to be next to and to be able to do kino. So we end up walking for 5 hours, during which we had a good time, we were practically NEVER silent, we laughed, joked and I often tried to kino.

We had dinner, spend a few more hours walking and then we say goodbye.

Less than ten minutes after saying goodbye, she gets back to me, thanks me so much for the evening and we continue to text. From the beginning she is the one who contacts me to wish me a good day and we talk practically until bedtime.

Suddenly, she writes to me that in this period she lives for the day, she doesn't know what she wants from her life, that before having a relationship you have to be comfortable with yourself (and she is not very well with herself in this period).

I ask her if the goal was to get away or what, she answers absolutely no, that she doesn't want to get me away and continues to confirm how good she was the night we met and how pleased she is to hear from us.

After a few days I invited her to dinner at my house, she accepted immediately and we spent the evening together. Once dinner was over, on the sofa, we were all the time hugged, hand in hand and kissed repeatedly.

She tried to kiss me several times and, once back home, she thanked me for the evening and we continued to feel normally.

Having to leave for a business trip, I told her "I'm sorry, but I don't know when we can see each other now".

She told me: "I'm so sorry too, I had a really good time last night, I already told you it's not the right time in my life, but you make me feel good no matter what I want for now, but you are a really nice person, it makes me feel good to hear you and it was a really beautiful evening ".

In the following days she always continued to contact me and, if I stop answering her, she found an excuse to be able to start texting again.

I think I made a serious mistake at some point: I pointed out to her that she wasn't particularly interested in something that happened to me and we had an argument.

She explained me how she doesn't like to have stakes, she doesn't want to have any form of obligation, that she doesn’t want a relationship right. She just wants to be herself and not adapt to another person, she doesn't even want to think about it.

Even though I tried to recover from the situation (she told me that the discussion was over), she had stopped contacting me. I waited for two days, I contacted her with something “soft”, we exchanged about ten messages and stop.

I contact her the next day several times during the day, she replies almost instantly, but lets the conversation die, so I give up the blow.

I let three days pass and I contact her again, she sends me some photos, some audio notes to describe what she was doing and, after asking her if she would do something in particular in the evening, she displayed and never replied, which he has never done in the previous three weeks. It's been two days and he hasn't contacted or answered me anymore, the only thing she does is "like" on social media.

 

I think I messed everything up, I made so many mistakes, above all I let her perceive my desire for a relationship and my neediness.

I don't know if she wanted a sex-only story or if he wanted to go very slow about some past disappointment.

At this point, is there any advice you can give me?
Thank you!

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she liked you OP but wanted to keep it casual and light. Your saying she didn’t seem interested in something that mattered to you made her think she didn’t want that pressure too soon. It was reasonable of you to mention it, if it mattered to you.

Without knowing what it was exactly, it is difficult to judge her reaction. I suspect she’s not ready for a real relationship, just fun times. Sounds like she’s not right for you if you are looking for something more committed in the long run.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is an inordinate amount of drama for one tinder meet and one date.

Yes a lot of mistakes . Telling her you don't know if/when you'll see her. Way too much texting. 

Dragging out the first meet way too long. Having the second meet be a Netflix and chill attempt.

There seems to be mutual disinterest. She wants to "work on herself". You are going on a trip and can't even say if you'll see her again

Don't waste each other's time. It's 2 meets and you're having text arguments. I mean...What the?

Edited November 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Trail Blazer]

Just let this one slide, brother.  She's not in the right frame for what you want.  Until she is in a better headspace for dating, you'll only be left feeling frustrated.

[jamesler]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like she liked you OP but wanted to keep it casual and light. Your saying she didn’t seem interested in something that mattered to you made her think she didn’t want that pressure too soon. It was reasonable of you to mention it, if it mattered to you.

Without knowing what it was exactly, it is difficult to judge her reaction. I suspect she’s not ready for a real relationship, just fun times. Sounds like she’s not right for you if you are looking for something more committed in the long run.

Hi! Exactly it was her not asking if my business trip were ok or not. 
I know, it sounds so stupid, I don't know why I expected her to be interested, perhaps because in the previous days she was interested in my life. I feel so teenager right now, please be good to me!

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately this is an inordinate amount of drama for one tinder meet and one date.

Yes a lot of mistakes . Telling her you don't know if/when you'll see her. Way too much texting. 

Dragging out the first meet way too long. Having the second meet be a Netflix and chill attempt.

There seems to be mutual disinterest. She wants to "work on herself". You are going on a trip and can't even say if you'll see her again

Don't waste each other's time. It's 2 meets and you're having text arguments. I mean...What the?

Hi wise,
I think you are right, this is too much drama, but just because I feel so good with her, I think she is really interesting, we laugh a lot together and talk to each other as if we have known each other for years.

My business trip will end in a couple of months, of course I know I could see her again, I said that badly. Why do you think this is mutual disinterest?
As regards text arguments, you are perfectly right, I have no excuses.

46 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Just let this one slide, brother.  She's not in the right frame for what you want.  Until she is in a better headspace for dating, you'll only be left feeling frustrated.

Hi Trail,
thank you for your message. I just want to understand why she went from texting me 18 hours a day to totally ignoring me.
Is she testing me in any way?

[ShyViolet]

Just stop wasting your time with this girl.  She straight out told you that she doesn't want a relationship with you.  Yet she kept contacting you and sending you very mixed messages.  She is playing games with you.  Maybe she enjoys playing with your feelings and leading you on.  You're wasting your time and energy if you let her do that.

[Fletch Lives]

 

You did not make any mistakes. You got the wrong girl.

That kind of waffling means she's on the rebound and not ready to love a new guy yet.

Women who are ready and like you are consistent.

[smackie9]

Some women want to be chased, and some do the chasing...she likes to chase. You are showing your interest for a relationship too eagerly, so things are out of balance....and from an outsider's POV you two are not right for each other. Plus if this is how she behaves over something trivial, then you are best to keep your distance.

You don't understand her is because she a little nuts.

Edited November 2, 2020 by smackie9

[jamesler]

Hi,
since the last time that I wrote, she commented me 3 Instagram Stories.
In particular I think that one time she tried to strike up a conversation with me, but even if I was friendly, didn't carry on the conversation.

 

Believe me, I tried to understand every single message on this discussion, and I'm not ignoring them, but I would like to learn as much as possible from this situation, this is why I'm asking you:

• What is she doing? If she understood we want two different things, or if she felt too much pressure, or if she doesn't like me that much it wouldn't be easier to just ignore me in a definitively way?
• How should I behave in her regards in order to let her invest on me? Should I carry on conversation or should I keep ignoring her until she reaches out in a proper way and not just commenting on social?

[poppyfields]

On 11/1/2020 at 2:17 PM, jamesler said:

After a few days I invited her to dinner at my house, she accepted immediately and we spent the evening together. 

Having to leave for a business trip, I told her "I'm sorry, but I don't know when we can see each other now".

I don't know if she wanted a sex-only story...

Gotta ask, did you have sexual relations on this dinner date at yours?  After which you told her you didn't know when you could see her again?   

The second bolded above caused me to question that.  And if you did, it changes the entire context imo.

Edited November 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[jamesler]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Gotta ask, did you have sexual relations on this dinner date at yours?  After which you told her you didn't know when you could see her again?   

The second bolded above caused me to question that.  And if you did, it changes the entire context imo.

No sex, just kissing.

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, jamesler said:

should I keep ignoring her until she reaches out in a proper way and not just commenting on social?

Delete and block her from ALL your social media. Why waste time on this, when you could be out dating interested women?

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, jamesler said:

No sex, just kissing.

Ok, thx for clarifying.  What makes you believe she might want a "sex only story"?

Yes you made a huge mistake telling her you were bothered that she failed to ask you about a business trip.  What was your mindset, that she didnt care or wasn't attracted?   

Assuming it was and that you felt hurt, that reflects incredible neediness man, you must know that, right?  

I think she felt pressured and suffocated.  She may have also felt confused and generally unsure about your behavior.

On one hand you're telling her you don't know when you can see her again and stopped responding  to her messages, on the other hand, you're hassling her for not asking you about a trip.  

Too much drama after only two dates.  Since you really like her, maybe lay low for awhile, make contact in a few weeks, and try again. 

In the meantime, work on you.  Your own uncertainty, your own neediness.

Good luck!  

 

Edited November 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[jamesler]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Ok, thx for clarifying.  What makes you believe she might want a "sex only story"?

Yes you made a huge mistake telling her you were bothered that she failed to ask you about a business trip.  What was your mindset, that she didnt care or wasn't attracted?   

Assuming it was and that you felt hurt, that reflects incredible neediness man, you must know that, right?  

I think she felt pressured and suffocated.  She may have also felt confused and generally unsure about your behavior.

On one hand you're telling her you don't know when you can see her again and stopped responding  to her messages, on the other hand, you're hassling her for not asking you about a trip.  

Too much drama after only two dates.  Since you really like her, maybe lay low for awhile, make contact in a few weeks, and try again. 

In the meantime, work on you.  Your own uncertainty, your own neediness.

Good luck!  

 

I thought that she may want just a sex story because she accepted to come to my place. Why would have accept and kiss me if she doesn't want a relationship? Sex only story makes sense to me.

My mindset was "she didn't care enough about me, and I really can't understand her. One day she is interested, another day she almost ignore me".

Yes, I already understood that my neediness came out.
I didn't stop responding to her messaged, just stopped to carry on the conversation, to let her do her part if she is interested in.

Anyway you are right, too much drama after only two dates, I really need to work on myself, on my neediness and on my attachment.

May I ask you what do you think she is doing with me?

[kendahke]

On 11/2/2020 at 4:37 AM, jamesler said:

I expected her to be

Expectations are future resentments under construction

[poppyfields]

6 minutes ago, jamesler said:

Anyway you are right, too much drama after only two dates, I really need to work on myself, on my neediness and on my attachment.

May I ask you what do you think she is doing with me?

I have no idea, all I know is that every action generates a re-action, that reaction in turn generates another reaction, lather rinse repeat.

It can become a vicious cycle of negative reactions until things become so exhausting, it's done. 

My advice is to chill, do nothing.  Reach out in a few weeks.  Talk, communicate, try again, do better.  

Nevermind what she's doing, figure out what you're doing, your own motivations. 

Don't play games.  Your intentionally  not continuing the conversation to see if she stepped up was a game.

Most women will catch on to that pretty quick.  It reflects your insecurity and can be a turn off.

Anyway, I'm sorry man.  Lesson learned.   

Good luck and keep us posted, hope.it works out in your favor!  

 

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like she doesn’t want a serious relationship with you and you want one with her. I am sorry but that’s not a mistake. That’s probably how you both really feel. It’s just an incompatibility. 

Edited November 6, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes