Everything going great! and now this?

[william51]

Hello!  I'm wondering if someone can help  me make sense of this.  I'm really confused and upset by some behavior of a woman I started dating.

So here is a little background.  I started dating a woman about 2 months ago.  We are both in our early 50s. Met on a dating site.  From day one we really connected.  Since then we have seen each other regularly and everything has gone amazing. She is the  most amazing woman I've met and makes me feel #1 in her life and wanted and desired and everything.  She has 3 kids late teens to early college age. 

We connect on so many levels. I even introduced her to my parents a few weeks ago. We are so aligned on everything in life that we have been talking a lot about a future together. 

We live about a 30 minute drive from each other.  Typically we phone chat every evening. We start around 8:30- 9:15 and talk for 30 minutes or so about politics or our day etc. She always texts or emails several times during the day. It really makes me feel connected and secure.

So the incident occurred last night on Halloween.  She has a few of her kids staying with her this weekend. She usually comes over on the weekends she doesn't have the kids and stays with me the entire weekend. This weekend she had a couple of her kids staying with her so she came over Friday but left around 9pm. Saturday is Halloween and she texted me throughout the day as usual.  Since it's Halloween and she has her kids I figured we'd  just text and I wasn't expecting to phone talk with her since she is busy with Her kids, trick or treaters etc. 

However, at around 6:30pm she texts and asks what are you doing? I tell her that I was practicing my guitar. She replies ok "call me when you are done. enjoy the practicing". So I'm thinking. oh wow that is nice it's Halloween and she has a lot going on but she still wants to find time for our nightly talk.  So I reply,  "I will for sure".

So 9pm rolls around and I notice the time (our usual time to start our nightly convo). I'm still practicing so I text her that Ill call her around 9:20pm ish. She replies "sounds good!"

So 9:19pm comes and I'm about to call her and suddenly I get a text from her,  "my cousin just called. i'll text you when I'm done! Sorry!!".

I immediately thought the text was weird. Her "cousin" calls coincidentally  a few second before I was going to call?  And what is with the "Sorry!! (exclamation exclamation)?

So it rubbed me the wrong way but I waited. I figured she'd text me in a few minutes may 5 or 10 at the most to either say she was ready to talk or that there was some issue. She is usually very communicative.  48 minutes go by before I hear anything from her.  It's a text that says "I' am free- are u"?

WTF?   She usually goes to bed by 10 and wants to get off the phone by then. But suddenly during our talk time (and she asked to talk to me  not the other way around), she gets this call from her "cousin" and then is radio silent for nearly 50 minutes while I'm waiting?  The behavior was really out of character for her.  

So I call her and tell that I couldn't help but admit that the whole thing "rubbed me the wrong way".  She was apologizing saying "Let  me make it up to" and "I should have texted" etc etc.

It was really weird. Now I don't even believe her "cousin" really called. 

In my opinion it was a huge red flag.  And now I'm not even sure I want to see her today (we were supposed to spend the day together).  

It's not that I'm inflexible. Quite the opposite. I'm super flexible and cool all the time with her (dealing with her kids, work, etc etc) but this was just really disrespectful and makes me wonder about her. 

Help! Not sure what to do.  Do I give her another chance? Am I overreacting?  I'm really hurt by her behavior (its usually indicative of future behavior).  I just don't know what to think now because everything was going so great! She is usually very thoughtful and communicative.  That is why her behavior seems so weird.  

 

[Mystery4me]

There was nothing disrespectful about what she did. You are acting like a spoilt kid and way overreacting.

Give her another chance? She should be the one thinking whether to give you another chance as you seem very controlling and don't even trust her.

[ShyViolet]

Whoa.  You are REALLY overreacting.  She did nothing wrong, nothing remotely weird about what she did.  You are getting all bent out of shape and saying that what she did was "disrespectful"?  So she is not allowed to talk on the phone with her cousin for 50 minutes on a Saturday night?  You are the one being really rigid and weird here.

[schlumpy]

You described her as a once in a lifetime soulmate and now you want to kick her to the curb for not dumping her cousin for you?

What happened to you in the past that has brought this out?

If there are other things that is creating a "gut feeling" then I get it that this incident may have raised the defcon awareness level, but talking to her cousin? Why do you think she wasn't talking to him or her?

This is really thin evidence to be raising a red flag on. Surely there is something more?

If not, then re-examine your own feelings and fears.

Martin Herringbone D-28 and Cordoba C5. You?

[carhill]

How's the sex?

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, william51 said:

I started dating a woman about 2 months ago.  We are both in our early 50s. She has 3 kids late teens to early college age. 

Since it's Halloween and she has her kids I figured we'd  just text and I wasn't expecting to phone talk with her since she is busy with Her kids, trick or treaters etc. 

I call her and tell that I couldn't help but admit that the whole thing "rubbed me the wrong way".  She was apologizing saying "Let  me make it up to" and "I should have texted" etc etc.

Sorry to hear this. You barely know her and her family dynamic, etc. If you want to date her or in general you'll have to lighten up a bit. 

[william51]

Carhill -- not great. lol

[carhill]

Shocker but my first lover was a mother of three and I was, even though the R didn't last over a year, quite impressed with how she could juggle mom, work and lover. I didn't need to write books explaining the parameters of the interaction. Back then it was landline phone or a 30 minute drive. My advice as an old, formerly married guy? Don't sweat the details; however, if the proactive interest and physical intimacy from your lover isn't floating your boat, move on. It's as good as it's going to get at this point, IME.

[william51]

Carhill - great advice!

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, william51 said:

So 9pm rolls around and I notice the time (our usual time to start our nightly convo). I'm still practicing so I text her that Ill call her around 9:20pm ish. She replies "sounds good!"

So 9:19pm comes and I'm about to call her and suddenly I get a text from her,  "my cousin just called. i'll text you when I'm done! Sorry!!".

I immediately thought the text was weird. Her "cousin" calls coincidentally  a few second before I was going to call?  And what is with the "Sorry!! (exclamation exclamation)?

So it rubbed me the wrong way but I waited. I figured she'd text me in a few minutes may 5 or 10 at the most to either say she was ready to talk or that there was some issue. She is usually very communicative.  48 minutes go by before I hear anything from her.  It's a text that says "I' am free- are u"?

I genuinely don't see what the problem is. She apologized ahead of time, letting you know she'd have to disrupt the expected conversation to talk to her cousin. And she communicated when she was done, just like she said she would.

So you reckon she engineered a fake phonecall or something  so that she wouldn't have to talk to you? Or you think she was talking to another man? What exactly are you telling yourself she was upto during that time?

Did you ask her anything about her cousin? Do you even know her cousin's name and why her cousin was calling? What if there's a family crisis of sorts?

Edited November 1, 2020 by Acacia98

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, william51 said:

In my opinion it was a huge red flag. 

* * * 

Help! Not sure what to do.  Do I give her another chance? Am I overreacting?  

You are totally overreacting & this was not a flag of any sort.  First of all when she texted, you needed to put down the guitar & talk to her then.  If you were able to see the text, you had time for her to talk.  The idea that a family member called her on a holiday to talk & she reached out to you after her usual bedtime shows she's polite for taking the random call & that she cares about you because she was willing to stay up to talk to you.  

The fact that you are upset about this is more of a red flag that your behavior is problematic not hers.  

[Acacia98]

20 minutes ago, william51 said:

Carhill -- not great. lol

And yet the title of this discussion indicates that everything was going great until this situation. Is there anything else not so great about this relationship that you've forgotten to mention?

[smackie9]

Wow I'm surprised she let your anxious complaint slide. Yer out of bounds sir. Whatever happened to, "That's OK we'll chat tomorrow...night Love x"

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Wow, one thing happens that you don't like and you're considering throwing in the towel?? I could see if the one thing was something major, like catching her with another man or if she said something degrading to you, but this is no big deal in the grand scheme of things. If I were her, I'd be wondering if you have control issues. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 hours ago, william51 said:

Carhill -- not great. lol

Have you shared this with her, that you don't like it?

[Alvi]

I wonder if this is an example of a limerance. OP describes her as the most amazing woman on this planet, everything is great and wonderful. And then, poof, she talks to her cousin for the whole 48 minutes. Did you really count every minute she was supposedly talking to her cousin? Seriously? I am sorry, you sound like a control freak.  She apologized to you and told you that she'll make up to you. That's still not enough? Anyway....And just like that, the infatuation bubble bursts, the love that the OP had for that woman is gone. The rose colored glasses are off.  OP starts questioning  everything, doesn't trust her, wants to end things perhaps. Apparently he puts up with her kids and crazy schedule, the sex is also not great and so on. Guess there was never love to begin with. Perhaps subconsciously you were or are looking for some reason to break up with her. Any reason, anything, just to end things. Your brain just tells you to run away . This just sounds so insignificant, but there must be a lot more going on you are not telling us, for you to overreact to something so insignificant. Is there any reason why you think you cannot trust her or are you looking for a reason to end things?

Edited November 1, 2020 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, william51 said:

-- not great. lol

If the chemistry/sex isn't there just back out of it rather than select a side nonissue to harp on. 2 mos is enough time to know whether you think you're sexually compatible. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

And yet the title of this discussion indicates that everything was going great until this situation. Is there anything else not so great about this relationship that you've forgotten to mention?

That's what I was wondering.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

You are incredibly paranoid, OP, and completely over-reacting. If I were her, I’d be seriously side-eyeing you for this. 

Where is this insecurity coming from?

[Trail Blazer]

Wow dude.  You sound paranoid and controlling.  You need to chill out.

[Miss Spider]

Yes you are overreacting. You are being paranoid and controlling to boot. 

Edited November 1, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Versacehottie]

I think she probably texted you at 9:19pm not because the call came in right then (though it could have) but because it was almost the time she promised to call you.  I've definitely texted people while on the phone with someone else for various reasons, including being held up for some prior plans (like calling them back or something).  She didn't do anything wrong.  You are overreacting.

Edited November 1, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Lotsgoingon]

Is this woman a human being? If she's a human being, then she's going to have friends and cousins and uncles and aunts and coworkers and ... she's going to at some time get a call from someone ELSE she knows other than you.

Sounds to me like she updated you with what's going on and then followed through as she said she would.

Where you want to worry is if the person like doesn't call you back at all ... and into the next day doesn't call ... and then doesn't explain why when you finally connect.

This woman was a textbook-clear and highly respectful communicator.  

Edited November 2, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Maldives]

Man you are makking a mountain out iof a molehill here 

[SumGuy]

Yes you are over reacting to put it mildly.