Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: From this^, I'm sensing he's insecure about his age and/or may have had women reject him after revealing his age. Of equal concern is your fear/discomfort with physical intimacy leeali. Five days is certainly a reasonable amount of time for a simple kiss and in a previous thread that Wiseman quoted (below), it had been three months and you still felt uncomfortable kissing. Are you seeking a romantic relationship (which includes physical intimacy) or a friendship? Not judging, just asking. >>"I have been seeing a guy met online dating once mid dec 2018. we never kiss but only holding hands and hugs because I am not ready to kiss him. It is almost 3 months. I still don't have the desire of kissing him or moving into serious exclusive."<< I don’t need to do online dating if I just looking for friendship. To me, romantic relationship must have good foundation of friendship to begin with.
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: From this^, I'm sensing he's insecure about his age (aging) and/or may have had women reject him after revealing his age. Which may be why he hesitates telling you. There are women like this too OR they will flat out lie about their real age. Especially if they look younger. Of equal concern is your fear/discomfort with physical intimacy leeali. Five days is certainly a reasonable amount of time for a simple kiss and in a previous thread that Wiseman quoted (below), it had been three months and you still felt uncomfortable kissing. Are you seeking a romantic relationship (which includes physical intimacy) or a friendship? Not judging, just asking. >>"I have been seeing a guy met online dating once mid dec 2018. we never kiss but only holding hands and hugs because I am not ready to kiss him. It is almost 3 months. I still don't have the desire of kissing him or moving into serious exclusive." Edited November 1, 2020 by leeali Duplicate message
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, leeali said: To me, romantic relationship must have good foundation of friendship to begin with. So you're seeking a friendship first that might lead to romantic relationship? Do the men you date know this? If not, it might be wise to tell them so they don't move too fast physically causing you discomfort. How long a friendship do you need before knowing you want to escalate to a romantic relationship? Again, not judging, just asking. Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 Just now, poppyfields said: So you're seeking a friendship first that might lead to romantic relationship? Do the men you date know this? If not, it might be wise to tell them so they don't move too fast physically causing you discomfort. Thanks for the advice
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 14 minutes ago, poppyfields said: From this^, I'm sensing he's insecure about his age (aging) and/or may have had women reject him after revealing his age. Which may be why he hesitates telling you. There are women like this too OR they will flat out lie about their real age. Especially if they look younger. Of equal concern is your fear/discomfort with physical intimacy leeali. Five days is certainly a reasonable amount of time for a simple kiss and in a previous thread that Wiseman quoted (below), it had been three months and you still felt uncomfortable kissing. Are you seeking a romantic relationship (which includes physical intimacy) or a friendship? Not judging, just asking. >>"I have been seeing a guy met online dating once mid dec 2018. we never kiss but only holding hands and hugs because I am not ready to kiss him. It is almost 3 months. I still don't have the desire of kissing him or moving into serious exclusive."<< I also have little insecure about my age too when creating online dating profile. After few deep thoughts, it would be better to let people know my actual age upfront for not wasting people’s time. Also they will find out my age eventually
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 3 minutes ago, leeali said: I also have little insecure about my age too when creating online dating profile. After few deep thoughts, it would be better to let people know my actual age upfront for not wasting people’s time. Also they will find out my age eventually I agree with you about that. What are you going to do about this guy? Do you like him, are you attracted to him? Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 13 hours ago, leeali said: we met at his condo for the most recent meetup. During the whole conversation, he had his arm on my shoulder, touched my hair, leaning on me, etc. He suddenly kiss on my face with his mask on when I was about getting into my car. At 40 years old the fact that you are uncomfortable on a 5th date because your date put his arm on your shoulder, touched your hair & leaned on you is out of whack. When you go to a new person's house for a date, modern parlance means that you are open to sex. If you can't handle the touching because you haven't warmed up enough, stay out of his house. Seriously. The is also a vast difference between having physical sex of any kind vs. romantic touching & kissing, even making out. 43 minutes ago, leeali said: I don’t need to do online dating if I just looking for friendship. To me, romantic relationship must have good foundation of friendship to begin with. Wanting to go slow to build trust is lovely. More people should do that. A great romance needs a solid foundation. Just a personal quirk of mine but don't call that foundation "friendship". It makes people think you are never going to be interested in the romance side or the intimacy that does with that. My issue is the vocabulary word choice. I am not criticizing you for the very valid desire for a build up of trust & attraction. Slow is a perfectly wonderful speed. 1
salparadise Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Just a personal quirk of mine but don't call that foundation "friendship". It makes people think you are never going to be interested in the romance side or the intimacy that does with that. My issue is the vocabulary word choice. It's more than your personal quirk.Friends and lovers are different categories, not degrees of the same. Sure, we develop a friendly type of affection for romantic partners, but that exists within, and is contingent upon, the romance... not visa versa. I hate it when people use the word like this too. It's ambiguous, inaccurate, linguistic transmutation. Whenever I see a woman's dating profile touting "friends first," I can't swipe left fast enough. OP, when people go on a dating site, it's to find romance. When people go on dates, it's because they've found a romantic interest. He's not moving too fast –– it's you that is the anomaly. I don't know what else to say other than you need to be respectful of other people's time and sincere intention. It's not fair to string people along for amusement or entertainment when you have no real interest or ability to form a relationship or be physical. Physical affection (touching, kissing) after a couple of dates is the norm, not some kind of deviant behavior. And yes, sex is presumed to be on the table after you go out with someone five times. That doesn't mean you have to do it at any certain milestone, but if it's not about to happen after five dates you need to say something. Edited November 1, 2020 by salparadise 1
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: I agree with you about that. What are you going to do about this guy? Do you like him, are you attracted to him? Before we meet up next time, I will let him know the following via text : 1)hanging out with a guy who refuses to disclose his actual age makes me feel unsafe. People can change addresses , jobs , marriage status , etc but the core identity. If I am a parent of a girl who is going with a guy cannot disclose his core identity, I would question about his honesty and doubt he would treat my daughter properly for not being upfront from beginning. 2) I am very slow to warm up with a guy as you can tell. I really need to get to know a guy well before jumping into anything. If physical closeness is extremely important to you and my reluctance of physical closeness at the early dating stage makes you feeling rejected, I am not type of women you are looking for. I am not just looking for a relationship but a ‘great long lasting’ relationship. I believe any amazing romantic relationship must have a foundation of friendship with trust and attraction. I am looking for a guy who I would see as a man with integrity, sincerity, respect and kind. i like him because we have common interest and he seems respectful so far. He doesn’t seem a pushy person. I don’t wAnt to scare him away but I don’t want to compromise something that I am uncomfortable About. Edited November 1, 2020 by leeali 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, leeali said: Before we meet up next time, I will let him know the following via text : 1)hanging out with a guy who refuses to disclose his actual age makes me feel unsafe. People can change addresses , jobs , marriage status , etc but the core identity. If I am a parent of a girl who is going with a guy cannot disclose his core identity, I would question about his honesty and doubt he would treat my daughter properly for not being upfront from beginning. 2) I am very slow to warm up with a guy as you can tell. I really need to get to know a guy well before jumping into anything. If physical closeness is extremely important to you and my reluctance of physical closeness at the early dating stage makes you feeling rejected, I am not type of women you are looking for. I am not just looking for a relationship but a ‘great long lasting’ relationship. I believe any amazing romantic relationship must have a foundation of friendship with trust and attraction. I am looking for a guy who I would see as a man with integrity, sincerity, respect and kind. i like him because we have common interest and he seems respectful so far. He doesn’t seem a pushy person. I don’t wAnt to scare him away but I don’t want to compromise something that I am uncomfortable About. "Safety" is a fine consideration... but the core of this is more along the lines of defining the persona of the one you're dating. Somebody dumb enough to be unwilling to share his age (and by now, you need PROOF without any hesitation by him) is too dumb to be dating you. Don't put out until you see precise documents.
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) leeali, let's say he told you he was 50? Would you still want to date him? I may get beat up for this but age thing - there are so many people with hang ups about this, I did when I turned 30. I simply could not say the words "I'm 30." On my 30th birthday, when anyone asked how old I was, I was literally like "tthhhiirrttyyy" I could barely say it! I know looking back, so silly! But it was a fear of aging or being judged for being "old" which at the time I thought 30 was. Thank gawd I moved on from that! leeali, I'll be honest, the first paragraph of your text is extremely negative and offputting. I see nothing positive coming from that. If you really like him, want to continue dating him, and believe this has potential for a long term romantic relationship, why not simply let him know age does not matter to you, it's the person, the man. That you will accept him no matter how old he is? Even if 50? Assuming of course that is how you feel. If, on the other hand, it would bother you if he's 50, then just end this friendship or however you're defining it and be done. Create a safe environment for HIM to feel comfortable opening up to you, not only about his age but other things as well. At least he had (has) the integrity to not lie to you about it. To me, it seems obvious he's quite insecure about it, which is why he wants to wait until your relationship is more solid. Not a devious sociopath. Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: leeali, let's say he told you he was 50? Would you still want to date him? I may get beat up for this but age thing - there are so many people with hang ups about this, I did when I turned 30. I simply could not say the words "I'm 30." On my 30th birthday, when anyone asked how old I was, I was literally like "tthhhiirrttyyy" I could barely say it! I know looking back, so silly! But it was a fear of aging or being judged for being "old" which at the time I thought 30 was. Thank gawd I moved on from that! leeali, I'll be honest, the first paragraph of your text is extremely negative and offputting. I see nothing positive coming from that. If you really like him, want to continue dating him, and believe this has potential for a long term romantic relationship, why not simply let him know age does not matter to you, it's the person, the man. That you will accept him no matter how old he is? Even if 50? Assuming of course that is how you feel. If, on the other hand, it would bother you if he's 50, then just end this friendship or however you're defining it and be done. Create a safe environment for HIM to feel comfortable opening up to you, not only about his age but other things as well. At least he had (has) the integrity to not lie to you about it. To me, it seems obvious he's quite insecure about it. Hi really appreciate with your advice. What do you think about the second paragraph?
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, leeali said: Before we meet up next time, I will let him know the following via text : 1)hanging out with a guy who refuses to disclose his actual age makes me feel unsafe. People can change addresses , jobs , marriage status , etc but the core identity. If I am a parent of a girl who is going with a guy cannot disclose his core identity, I would question about his honesty and doubt he would treat my daughter properly for not being upfront from beginning. 2) I am very slow to warm up with a guy as you can tell. I really need to get to know a guy well before jumping into anything. If physical closeness is extremely important to you and my reluctance of physical closeness at the early dating stage makes you feeling rejected, I am not type of women you are looking for. I am not just looking for a relationship but a ‘great long lasting’ relationship. I believe any amazing romantic relationship must have a foundation of friendship with trust and attraction. I am looking for a guy who I would see as a man with integrity, sincerity, respect and kind. i like him because we have common interest and he seems respectful so far. He doesn’t seem a pushy person. I don’t wAnt to scare him away but I don’t want to compromise something that I am uncomfortable About. Yikes! Just cancel. No lecturing or text needed. All he needs to know is "we're not a match". You already told him you question his age, etc. You are calling him a liar and some sort of devious creep who just wants to get in your pants, lacks integrity sincerity, kindness and respect.. All not necessary. Dating is not therapy for your past trauma. That is Your job, not this guy's. 1
spiderowl Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 I think a guy is going to seek some physical contact and kissing by the fifth date. If that is too soon for you, then it is best to explain to the guy why. If you don’t feel like physical contact by that stage, then maybe you are just not attracted to him so don’t waste his time. I agree the age thing is a concern. He should be able to tell you his age. Ask him why he needs to hide his age. Better still, tell him you can’t date him any more.
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, leeali said: Hi really appreciate with your advice. What do you think about the second paragraph? I like it, I think it's good, respectful. You have your values and I actually admire you for sticking to even if they deviate from the norm. You've layed them out, the ball is in his court whether or not he wants to pursue it knowing how you feel. Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, spiderowl said: I think a guy is going to seek some physical contact and kissing by the fifth date. If that is too soon for you, then it is best to explain to the guy why. If you don’t feel like physical contact by that stage, then maybe you are just not attracted to him so don’t waste his time. I agree the age thing is a concern. He should be able to tell you his age. Ask him why he needs to hide his age. Better still, tell him you can’t date him any more. There are many attractive good looking guys in the world. Does it mean that women should sleep with Matt Damon because he is attractive? I just don’t want put physical affection before actually knowing a person. 1
spiderowl Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 I appreciate what you mean Leeali, I am not suggesting you sleep with him, just show him you are attracted to him (if you are) or he’s going to wonder if you are just looking for a friend. I do get where you are coming from - perhaps you need reassurance that he wants you for more than your body. Are you physically attracted to him or are you just hoping that you will be at some point? 1
Trail Blazer Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 Some of what you've posted here is eyebrow-raising, OP. Are you making it explicitly clear that all you want is friendship with the men you date? It's very important that men know this so you don't jack them around. It has nothing to do with whether a man is decent enough to wait. A man wanting a relationship is simply not after the same things that you're after if you just want friendship. Any woman who says she wants friendship first "and then see" is an instant next for me. I have friends, I don't want more friends. If I'm on a dating site I want to find someone who interests me romantically. 1
Miss Spider Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, leeali said: Could you please elaborate more? I can try, but I just think it’s pretty self-explanatory. It is an extremely red flag/something to be alarmed about that he is not telling you his exact age. The reason he is giving does not make sense. Edited November 1, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1 1
Versacehottie Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) Ok you've gotten lots of valid advice about your side of things with regards to calling it friendships and the pace at which you take things. Back to the guy who won't tell you his age. IMO, at this point the OMISSION of not telling you how old he is provided he asked and has a profile that indicates he is a certain age--which now he seems reluctant to confirm is a problem. It's like he's hoping to bait and switch on you (to be fair looking for friendship on a dating site is similar--so i think going forward it helps to be clear that you are open to dating but slow to warm up to it). For what he's doing now is akin to a lie and it's character trait thing. Not to mention, if he put 40 on his profile and isn't 40 at all, it's insulting that he thinks he can continue to date you with this big lie hanging over your heads. Also bottom line, it's a sign of character too. In my experience, people who easily tell one lie, easily tell others. And that's what they do whenever they are backed into a corner or when they want to manipulate a situation to their favor. I'm in favor of dumping him. Ok, keeping in mind that exactly what I'm saying he is doing with his age is similar to what you are doing if you have intentions of friendship and really really dragging out the physical side of things. I think you should be more honest and upfront about that with people in the future so that they have the power to choose what they are getting into. Which also helps you so you don't get attached to someone who is tried of waiting at the 5th or 6th date and dumps you or takes offense to being called a friend when they think they are dating you. Good luck Edited November 1, 2020 by Versacehottie
Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 It's totally natural you don't want to get physical with a shady guy who's masking his age. But if you're lying about your age as well, quit wasting your time and theirs and be honest from now on. We all have the right to select for an age range we feel is appropriate for us. The right person won't mind your age, and nobody else matters. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 4 hours ago, poppyfields said: leeali, let's say he told you he was 50? Would you still want to date him? At this point it does not matter if he's older than the Redwoods. The giant problem is his unwillingness to offer such a basic detail about himself. Criminals around society may steal our credit card numbers, our Social Security numbers, our addresses, and lots of other things... but criminals can't do too much with our general age, rounded down to the whole number of years. So clearly there should be no resistance to sharing his age with a woman he's dating and wanting to bang. 1
Interstellar Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 (edited) Well, age like weight is a personal and private thing. Someone’s age is nobody’s business. Do you want him to ask you about your weight? You said he has integrity, he did say to you that he will tell you about his age when things become more serious. I’m looking at this from the perspective of being complete strangers with each other, ie. meeting someone for the first time, and not for some nefarious reason. Edited November 2, 2020 by Interstellar 1
Miss Spider Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 (edited) Why is it a private thing? I get why someone would want to conceal their weight. Why would someone feel the need to conceal their age? Also, these are not just two strangers who just met. They have met several times, have been getting “physically closer”, and are apparently looking forward to a serious rship where the age of the person that you are with is sometimes pertinent information... Edited November 2, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Author leeali Posted November 2, 2020 Author Posted November 2, 2020 31 minutes ago, Interstellar said: Well, age like weight is a personal and private thing. Someone’s age is nobody’s business. Do you want him to ask you about your weight? You said he has integrity, he did say to you that he will tell you about his age when things become more serious. I’m looking at this from the perspective of being complete strangers with each other, ie. meeting someone for the first time, and not for some nefarious reason. We have already met up for five times. He knows my weight as it is very obvious. I am not asking him about his passport or social insurance number.
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