leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 Hi everyone, I need some advices. I have been seeing a guy since September 29th 2020. We have been meeting up once a week. So far we went out 5 times. The first three times we met at restaurants then we met at his condo for the most recent meetup. He seems a honest guy with integrity. he would plan ahead for our meetup and never showed up late. He is a Very social person with a lot of friends. He has been trying physically get closer to me since 4th date. On the 5th date, I asked about him about his past relationships, family, intentions of dating and age. He made a clear Statement that he is looking for long term commit relationship and form a family. He said he is at the age that he cannot fool around . However, he refused to tell me about his exact age because of privacy reason. He would tell me about his age when things get more serious. During the whole conversation, he had his arm on my shoulder, touched my hair, leaning on me, etc. He suddenly kiss on my face with his mask on when I was about getting into my car. I found uncomfortable to have too much physically intimacy with a guy that I only met for 5 times. I am still at the stage of getting to know him. Honestly I am more traditional person that I am not good at flirting with guys and have zero interest in casual sex. I am already 40 but I still don’t want to rush into relationship. I believe time would prove a person. I don’t only want a relationship but a ‘great’ relationship. please provide me some advices. thanks
Miss Spider Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 35 minutes ago, leeali said: He seems a honest guy with integrity. ... However, he refused to tell me about his exact age because of privacy reason. He would tell me about his age when things get more serious. ... mhmm. red flags are red 3
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 33 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: ... mhmm. red flags are red Could you please elaborate more?
Trail Blazer Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 If he can't even tell you his age after five dates, I shudder to think what other stuff he's suppressing. 2 1
ccas93 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, leeali said: I found uncomfortable to have too much physically intimacy with a guy that I only met for 5 times. I am still at the stage of getting to know him. Honestly I am more traditional person that I am not good at flirting with guys and have zero interest in casual sex. as far as intimacy I think your date might be moving at the more normal pace here. Good luck finding a grown man who wants to go on 5 dates without kissing you. That said, I don't believe he's an honest guy with integrity - he won't even tell you his age for chrissakes. 3
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 Where did you meet him? Online dating? Get his first name, last name, you know his address and google him. Your date sounds more like an interview. It's bizarre he won't discuss his age. If you don't want casual sex, you'll have to simply spend time getting to know someone first.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 4 hours ago, leeali said: He said he is at the age that he cannot fool around . However, he refused to tell me about his exact age because of privacy reason. He would tell me about his age when things get more serious. I'm sorry OP, but this is weird and makes zero sense. He wants to protect his privacy by concealing his age, but he has you inside his home? Sure, dude. I would not go out with this person again. He sounds shady as hell. 3
Fletch Lives Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 He does not want you to know he's older than you think. He sounds like he's a control freak. You've been dating for a month. Some guys are begging for sex by this time, but you are complaining that he is touching you. You haven't even had a real kiss yet. I don't think you are into the guy. Why not find somebody you really like and stop using the guy for free dinners? And find somebody who is sane. Normal pace? This thing is dead! If you are not kissing, you are just wishing. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 6 hours ago, leeali said: have been seeing a guy met online dating once mid dec 2018. we never kiss but only holding hands and hugs because I am not ready to kiss him. It is almost 3 months. I still don't have the desire of kissing him or moving into serious exclusive Unfortunately this seems to be a recurring issue for you. 1
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Where did you meet him? Online dating? Get his first name, last name, you know his address and google him. Your date sounds more like an interview. It's bizarre he won't discuss his age. If you don't want casual sex, you'll have to simply spend time getting to know someone first. Hi, I met him from online dating. His profile states he is age of 40. Since he is working in healthcare industry, I was able to see some of his working history and information. After doing a math, he seems older than 40. So I asked him about his actual age. I asked him if he is 50. The he responded ‘am I look that old?’
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said: He does not want you to know he's older than you think. He sounds like he's a control freak. You've been dating for a month. Some guys are begging for sex by this time, but you are complaining that he is touching you. You haven't even had a real kiss yet. I don't think you are into the guy. Why not find somebody you really like and stop using the guy for free dinners? And find somebody who is sane. Normal pace? This thing is dead! If you are not kissing, you are just wishing. He admitted that he is older than me but refused to tell me his actual age.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 23 minutes ago, leeali said: He admitted that he is older than me but refused to tell me his actual age. Does this sound like normal behaviour to you, leeali?
Versacehottie Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 I think if a guy refuses to tell you his age for "privacy" reasons but still expects things to get physical something is wayyyy off. IMO, by date 5, he should be willing to tell you his age and you both should be wanting to be physical at some level. I mean, I think the line should be drawn at a guy who won't tell you his age but wants to stick his tongue down your throat, no? 3
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 1 hour ago, leeali said: Hi, I met him from online dating. His profile states he is age of 40. Since he is working in healthcare industry, I was able to see some of his working history and information. After doing a math, he seems older than 40. So I asked him about his actual age. I asked him if he is 50. The he responded ‘am I look that old?’ So it was you who assumed he was lying and assumed he was 50?
schlumpy Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 9 hours ago, leeali said: I found uncomfortable to have too much physically intimacy with a guy that I only met for 5 times. I am still at the stage of getting to know him. Honestly I am more traditional person that I am not good at flirting with guys and have zero interest in casual sex. I am already 40 but I still don’t want to rush into relationship. I believe time would prove a person. I don’t only want a relationship but a ‘great’ relationship. please provide me some advices. thanks I don't think that time will create a great relationship. The soul mate experience that you are seeking either happens or it doesn't. It's not something that can be cultivated because that would require the potential SO to abandon their own viewpoints and adopt yours. Most men will read your reluctance for physical closeness after a handful of dates as rejection unless you let them know upfront about your dating requirements and give them a chance to bow out. At 40, most men will assume that the preambles of dating can be dismissed and that you are with them because you know what you want. What is your dating history like? Just a few long term relationships or multiple short-term dead ends? I agree with your approach to dating. You are addressing your emotional check list. I wouldn't suggest you change your dating script. You get to make those choices. I would suggest that you clue these guys into your expectations so they can say good bye if it's not what they want. It will save you much time and also reveal the intentions of your potential date. Only one in million meet someone that can be described as a "soulmate." I hope you find yours but be prepared for a lifetime search. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 10 hours ago, leeali said: I found uncomfortable to have too much physically intimacy with a guy that I only met for 5 times. I am already 40 but I still don’t want to rush into relationship. It any type of touching, kissing or physical contact prior to marriage prohibited in your religion, culture, country? Or are you simply not attracted and looking for entertainment and stringing him along?
ShyViolet Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 He refuses to tell you his age? That is very weird and a red flag. I would never continue seeing someone who refuses to tell me their age. Someone's age is something that should be shared right from the beginning, on a first date. That is basic information. It makes me wonder what else he is being dishonest about. 2
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: I don't think that time will create a great relationship. The soul mate experience that you are seeking either happens or it doesn't. It's not something that can be cultivated because that would require the potential SO to abandon their own viewpoints and adopt yours. Most men will read your reluctance for physical closeness after a handful of dates as rejection unless you let them know upfront about your dating requirements and give them a chance to bow out. At 40, most men will assume that the preambles of dating can be dismissed and that you are with them because you know what you want. What is your dating history like? Just a few long term relationships or multiple short-term dead ends? I agree with your approach to dating. You are addressing your emotional check list. I wouldn't suggest you change your dating script. You get to make those choices. I would suggest that you clue these guys into your expectations so they can say good bye if it's not what they want. It will save you much time and also reveal the intentions of your potential date. Only one in million meet someone that can be described as a "soulmate." I hope you find yours but be prepared for a lifetime search. I had a very short relationship and one long term relationship. I didn’t know what I want before. I was used to let my emotion drive my action. In the past, I would have physical intimacy with my ex in the very early stage. I was very emotional attached to my ex bfs after having physical intimacy and was blinded any signs of problems. After the long term relationship, I met another guy and fall very hard for him. Again I let my emotion to blind myself . We had physical intimacy. Then I found out he was a player who dating multiple women at the same time. I felt that i was just his sex toy. It took me couple years to get over it. After that, I took few big trips and focused on working. Try to find out what i exactly want in life , made some good friends, exercising a lot, etc. I also promise myself to really know a guy before jump into anything. I would not let my emotion to control me anymore. I have been telling myself not to settle anything less Edited November 1, 2020 by leeali 1
Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 I agree it's very shady that he won't tell you his age. It's already pretty clear he lied about it to entice you with false information. He's full of crap. No way would I continue with this guy. 1
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: He refuses to tell you his age? That is very weird and a red flag. I would never continue seeing someone who refuses to tell me their age. Someone's age is something that should be shared right from the beginning, on a first date. That is basic information. It makes me wonder what else he is being dishonest about. I agree. Not knowing his actual age really bugs me. I would be upfront to him and let him know my expectation of dating. If he is a respectful understanding guy, he should be more open about that, right?
Mrin Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 The age thing is weird. You being freaked out by mask kiss on date 5 is weird. Is that a Covid-19 thing or are you normally just this slow to warm up with a guy? 2
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 22 minutes ago, leeali said: I agree. Not knowing his actual age really bugs me. I would be upfront to him and let him know my expectation of dating. If he is a respectful understanding guy, he should be more open about that, right? Then stop dating him and move forward. As guarded as you are, it won't protect you from hurt, but it will rule out a few decent guys. If there are red flags, discontinue immediately instead of dragging things out. The more you make your future pay dearly for your past the longer you'll feel lonely. .
carhill Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 12 hours ago, leeali said: Honestly I am more traditional person that I am not good at flirting with guys and have zero interest in casual sex. I am already 40 but I still don’t want to rush into relationship. I believe time would prove a person. I don’t only want a relationship but a ‘great’ relationship. Tell us about how your last relationship or marriage went, briefly. Also, what do you want as a 40yo woman from a man that you can't get with a woman, presuming you're not-bisexual? The essence of heterosexuality is sex, a physical act. Sure, there's all the attendant pair bonding and all that brain chemical stuff but it's the sex and sexually physical part that you won't get from a woman, though you could love each other quite completely and deeply. Were you more physical, even if not sexually casual, before Covid? That seems to have put some people off on any sort of physical contact.. IMO, five dates is a lot; back in the day if I wasn't getting frisky with a woman by five dates she'd dump me for not being sufficiently interested. Was that right? IDK, didn't matter, she was on to the next guy who'd give her what she wanted as a heterosexual woman. Like yourself I wasn't interested in casual sex; such a perspective thinned my dating pool substantially. My advice, if you're not feeling the flow with this guy and are feeling rushed, date other guys. At 40, you've got plenty of life experience and lots of tools you've learned. Use them. The right guy for you is out there it's just a matter of interacting with enough men to meet him. When you do you will IMO want to be physical with him, sexual with him, all that stuff. Good luck!
Author leeali Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 19 minutes ago, Mrin said: The age thing is weird. You being freaked out by mask kiss on date 5 is weird. Is that a Covid-19 thing or are you normally just this slow to warm up with a guy? Yes you are right. I am very slow to warm up with a guy. Many of my friends said they cannot believe I am still single for my appearance. Many of my girlfriends are able to be in and out relationships quickly and often. But I cannot. I have already told the guy I am very slow to warm up . I need to emphasize this to him and make it clear about my dating expectations. If he is a quality guy, I would understand.
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, leeali said: After doing a math, he seems older than 40. So I asked him about his actual age. I asked him if he is 50. Then he responded ‘am I look that old?’ From this^, I'm sensing he's insecure about his age (aging) and/or may have had women reject him after revealing his age. Which may be why he hesitates telling you. There are women like this too OR they will flat out lie about their real age. Especially if they look younger. Of equal concern is your fear/discomfort with physical intimacy leeali. Five days is certainly a reasonable amount of time for a simple kiss and in a previous thread that Wiseman quoted (below), it had been three months and you still felt uncomfortable kissing. Are you seeking a romantic relationship (which includes physical intimacy) or a friendship? Not judging, just asking. >>"I have been seeing a guy met online dating once mid dec 2018. we never kiss but only holding hands and hugs because I am not ready to kiss him. It is almost 3 months. I still don't have the desire of kissing him or moving into serious exclusive."<< Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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