Acacia98 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: As far as the mall goes, you make my point exactly. It's free. It's something I did in high school and college when meeting up with dates. But, as an adult....I just expect a little bit more of an investment. (...) The part about him having to make excuses (lies) to his family about where he's going to be, and he's worried they'll find out he's with a girl. And his parents want to know where he is at all times. He was SO worried about coming up with a lie and then them not finding out about it, and so on. I agree with the general consensus. But, setting that aside, I personally wouldn't have held it against you if you'd decided not to go out with this guy for either of the above reasons. The second bit makes him sound really young... like a child who's not allowed to date yet. The first bit shows too little of an investment for my taste. 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 5 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Yeah, this is the thing that I don't quite understand. Yes, we had mentioned a place the night before, but it's not like it was some super-special place. We hadn't even agreed on which specific location of the place we said to meet. It would be like saying, "I know we said Starbucks, but how about the Costa Coffee across the street?" Secondly, it isn't like I was demanding about it....I wasn't like "Well I changed my mind, and we're going here instead." I said, "If it's okay with you..." I was thinking about this other place. Is that alright? And he agreed. the point is 'why'.. why change it? its just not that important... The idea of ending up with a woman who fusses over small details is a headache for a man.. it makes him think she'll be annoying and fussy over every little detail.. table in a restaurant, paint wall colors... basically just annoying:) --- The key is to be easy breezy and go with the flow.. at least on the first few dates! 5
beentheredonethat77 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 7 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Thanks my friend. I'm going to be honest, I'm not THAT broken up about it. I wasn't really all that attracted to him, and didn't see him as a long-term match. He said he hadn't been on a date in years (which is fine) but as we were hashing out back and forth the particulars of our date, one thing he kept coming back to was that he was worried about what he was going to tell his parents. He lives with his parents (which again, is fine); that fact in and of itself didn't really bother me, so much as he kept talking about he was worried about what he was going to tell his Dad, and if they'd believe him, and how much they'd freak out if they knew he was meeting a girl from online. He also suggested that we meet at the mall and walk around as Date #1, which was kind of a red flag for me. Anyway...my hopes for this particular date weren't really all that high, other than, as I've said before, the chance to "get out there" and sharpen my dating tools, smooth out any rough edges, and just practice being a dating adult again. That's part of the reason I didn't next him, despite the fact that deep down, I knew the guy was probably not worth it. It was still an opportunity for me to hone my craft, so I still had hope. I also saw it as an opportunity to communicate more directly, and not beat around the bush, the way I did in the last relationship which caused a huge mess of things. I now know there is a fine line between being direct and being pushy. And, I don't have to say or text something that is in my head every single time. So live and learn, I guess. Just saw this post from you -- Yeh hes a conflict avoidant little boy -- you dodged a bullet here more than him it seems.
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: 1.He said he hadn't been on a date in years (which is fine) . 2.He lives with his parents (which again, is fine) 3.He also suggested that we meet at the mall and walk around as Date #1, which was kind of a red flag for me. Interesting. Going to a mall is not a spectacular first meet, but certainly not a "red flag". It's a public place where you could get a cup of coffee. Suggesting an event with tickets etc. Is a huge red flag. Get a quick cup of coffee next time. Don't try to rope a stranger into something like that. Facinating that the glaring red flags, such as "hasn't been on a date in years" and "lives at home afraid his parents will find out" doesn't register in your case. Edited November 1, 2020 by Wiseman2 6 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Acacia98 said: I agree with the general consensus. But, setting that aside, I personally wouldn't have held it against you if you'd decided not to go out with this guy for either of the above reasons. The second bit makes him sound really young... like a child who's not allowed to date yet. The first bit shows too little of an investment for my taste. I was just about to ask, how old is this guy? What is he doing on online dating if he's so worried about having to lie to his parents about online dating? It was the first meet-up; he could have told them he was hanging out with a friend or some such thing. The anxiety over what he was going to say to his parents about this is odd, if he's an adult. I agree that OP made some missteps, but I am also not convinced this guy was the best candidate for a date anyway. Are you sure he lives with his parents and not a girlfriend, OP? Edited November 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 4
Fletch Lives Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Interesting. Going to a mall is not a spectacular first meet, but certainly not a "red flag". It's a public place where you could get a cup of coffee. Suggesting an event with tickets etc. Is a huge red flag. Get a quick cup of coffee next time. Don't try to rope a stranger into something like that. Facinating that the glaring red flags, such as "hasn't been on a date in years" and "lives at home afraid his parents will find out" doesn't register in your case. - I agree with this. Additionally, You were not stood up, you never went anywhere. You never had a date because you never had a time. A date requires a time, day, and place. Anything less is just talk - and talk is cheap. 2
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was just about to ask, how old is this guy? What is he doing on online dating if he's so worried about having to lie to his parents about online dating? It was the first meet-up; he could have told them he was hanging out with a friend or some such thing. The anxiety over what he was going to say to his parents about this is odd, if he's an adult. I agree that OP made some missteps, but I am also not convinced this guy was the best candidate for a date anyway. Are you sure he lives with his parents and not a girlfriend, OP? Oh trust me, I know... Exchanges included things like this: "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they might follow me. They'll suspect something." Me: "Well, then shower at work, and just come straight to the date instead?" Him: "If I don't come home after work when they expect me home, they'll wonder where I am." Me: "Well, then tell them you worked late, tell them you are running errands? I dunno?" "I'm just worried about what to tell my Dad. If we meet at the mall, I can tell them I'm at the mall." Me: "Then just tell them you're at the mall." "I could say I'm Christmas shopping?" Me: "Sure." Of course, all of this came after the original exchange which felt equally bizarre. "What am I supposed to tell my parents?" Me: "Well, I mean, what do you tell them when you go over to your friends houses?" He answered whatever he answered. Me: "Well there you go. Just say you are going to go hang out with a friend for a little while." "They'll ask me which friend. Then, they'll confirm with the friend." Me: "Then just tell them you have a date? It's the truth." "If they know I am going out on a date with some stranger from online, they will freak out." It was just bizarre. The thing that was so weird about his age (mid 30s) is his pictures he looked much older than his age. And there were certain things that I would expect a 30-something to know or know how to do that he had absolutely no clue. But, I did my Whitepages/Google diligence (Something I always do when meeting someone from online. Always) and it all said he was the age he said he was. Also, according to Whitepages, it did say he lived with his parents, but it's entirely possible that he lived with a gf and just had not changed his address.
introverted1 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 18 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Oh trust me, I know... Exchanges included things like this: "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they might follow me. They'll suspect something." Me: "Well, then shower at work, and just come straight to the date instead?" Him: "If I don't come home after work when they expect me home, they'll wonder where I am." Me: "Well, then tell them you worked late, tell them you are running errands? I dunno?" "I'm just worried about what to tell my Dad. If we meet at the mall, I can tell them I'm at the mall." Me: "Then just tell them you're at the mall." "I could say I'm Christmas shopping?" Me: "Sure." Of course, all of this came after the original exchange which felt equally bizarre. "What am I supposed to tell my parents?" Me: "Well, I mean, what do you tell them when you go over to your friends houses?" He answered whatever he answered. Me: "Well there you go. Just say you are going to go hang out with a friend for a little while." "They'll ask me which friend. Then, they'll confirm with the friend." Me: "Then just tell them you have a date? It's the truth." "If they know I am going out on a date with some stranger from online, they will freak out." It was just bizarre. The thing that was so weird about his age (mid 30s) is his pictures he looked much older than his age. And there were certain things that I would expect a 30-something to know or know how to do that he had absolutely no clue. But, I did my Whitepages/Google diligence (Something I always do when meeting someone from online. Always) and it all said he was the age he said he was. Also, according to Whitepages, it did say he lived with his parents, but it's entirely possible that he lived with a gf and just had not changed his address. Whaaaattt???? Bling, a grown man actually said "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they [my parents] might follow me. They'll suspect something." And this didn't set off alarm bells for you? There is nothing wrong with living with parents under certain circumstances, but the idea that a 30-something adult can't leave the house without their parents "suspecting" something and/or following them is just bizarre. And that you willingly coached him in how to evade his parents rather than just shutting it down is also bizarre. This should have been your cue to bow out and never look back. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Exchanges included things like this: "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they might follow me. They'll suspect something." Me: "Well, then shower at work, and just come straight to the date instead?" Him: "If I don't come home after work when they expect me home, they'll wonder where I am." Me: "Well, then tell them you worked late, tell them you are running errands? I dunno?" "I'm just worried about what to tell my Dad. If we meet at the mall, I can tell them I'm at the mall." Me: "Then just tell them you're at the mall." "I could say I'm Christmas shopping?" Me: "Sure." Of course, all of this came after the original exchange which felt equally bizarre. "What am I supposed to tell my parents?" Me: "Well, I mean, what do you tell them when you go over to your friends houses?" He answered whatever he answered. Me: "Well there you go. Just say you are going to go hang out with a friend for a little while." "They'll ask me which friend. Then, they'll confirm with the friend." Me: "Then just tell them you have a date? It's the truth." "If they know I am going out on a date with some stranger from online, they will freak out." It was just bizarre. The thing that was so weird about his age (mid 30s) is his pictures he looked much older than his age. I think this dude is married. Regardless, why would you even want to meet with someone whose behaviour is this strange? Edited November 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 4
poppyfields Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: Exchanges included things like this: "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they might follow me. They'll suspect something." Me: "Well, then shower at work, and just come straight to the date instead?" Him: "If I don't come home after work when they expect me home, they'll wonder where I am." Me: "Well, then tell them you worked late, tell them you are running errands? I dunno?" "I'm just worried about what to tell my Dad. If we meet at the mall, I can tell them I'm at the mall." Me: "Then just tell them you're at the mall." "I could say I'm Christmas shopping?" Me: "Sure." Of course, all of this came after the original exchange which felt equally bizarre. "What am I supposed to tell my parents?" Me: "Well, I mean, what do you tell them when you go over to your friends houses?" He answered whatever he answered. Me: "Well there you go. Just say you are going to go hang out with a friend for a little while." "They'll ask me which friend. Then, they'll confirm with the friend." Me: "Then just tell them you have a date? It's the truth." "If they know I am going out on a date with some stranger from online, they will freak out." It was just bizarre. The thing that was so weird about his age (mid 30s).... Bling!! My friend. YES it was bizarre, but more concerning if I'm honest is your response to all this bizarreness. What was your thought process during this convo? For me, and I suspect most women, it would be (1) become extremely turned off and (2) politely end the conversation and run for the hills! Not because he lives with parents, times are tough, but because he sounds like a literal child afraid of upsetting mommy and daddy. Delayed childhood development or even dare I say some sort of mental disorder. That you continued to engage him is quite concerning Bling and wondering why this didn't set off alarm bells? Can you explain what your thought process was at the time? I mean the guy (I hesitate to even call him a man after reading this) is mid 30s! The thought also occurred to me that he might have been totally messing with ya. Why? Who knows. I mean it's almost too bizarre to be real. Edited November 1, 2020 by poppyfields 2
balletomane Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 3 hours ago, introverted1 said: Whaaaattt???? Bling, a grown man actually said "If I come home and shower, and then walk out the door, they [my parents] might follow me. They'll suspect something." And this didn't set off alarm bells for you? There is nothing wrong with living with parents under certain circumstances, but the idea that a 30-something adult can't leave the house without their parents "suspecting" something and/or following them is just bizarre. And that you willingly coached him in how to evade his parents rather than just shutting it down is also bizarre. This should have been your cue to bow out and never look back. This. If a guy did this to me I'd assume that a.) he'd grown up with a family who were coercive and controlling and he had psychological problems as a result or b.) he was married or hiding something else significant. Either way, not someone to even consider dating. 3
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Bling!! My friend. YES it was bizarre, but more concerning if I'm honest is your response to all this bizarreness. What was your thought process during this convo? For me, and I suspect most women, it would be (1) become extremely turned off and (2) politely end the conversation and run for the hills! Not because he lives with parents, times are tough, but because he sounds like a literal child afraid of upsetting mommy and daddy. Delayed childhood development or even dare I say some sort of mental disorder. That you continued to engage him is quite concerning Bling and wondering why this didn't set off alarm bells? Can you explain what your thought process was at the time? I mean the guy (I hesitate to even call him a man after reading this) is mid 30s! The thought also occurred to me that he might have been totally messing with ya. Why? Who knows. I mean it's almost too bizarre to be real. So....my thought process was this: I didn't see anything long-term with the guy anyway, I wasn't all that attracted to him, so while yes, it was weird and bizarre and a turn-off, it also didn't sway me from my original intention. Which was to go on a date, any date, with any guy. Now, obviously, if I had some sort of hope for him or the date, I would have been reeling and cut things off right away. It's kind of like.....if an acquaintance of mine had tickets to Hamilton. And invited me. My goal is to see Hamilton....not really to spend time with the person. So, maybe the person is really annoying, and I know I am going to have to sit through 6 hours there and 6 hours back of her yammering on about her ex-boyfriend and kids and work, and eventually my ears are going to be feeling like they're bleeding. But...it's Hamilton. So, I'd put all of my reservations to the back of my brain, suck it up, and do what I gotta do to see Hamilton. Likewise, my goal is to start dating again. This was my only option so far. So, I'm gonna do what I gotta do to get back in the dating world.
balletomane Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: So....my thought process was this: I didn't see anything long-term with the guy anyway, I wasn't all that attracted to him, so while yes, it was weird and bizarre and a turn-off, it also didn't sway me from my original intention. Which was to go on a date, any date, with any guy. He offered to meet you at the mall. If you really wanted to go on "any date, with any guy" you'd have agreed. Instead you made it unnecessarily complicated. In future, just pick a nice bar, restaurant, or coffee place and say, "Let's meet at X place at Y time." 2 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted November 1, 2020 Author Posted November 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, balletomane said: He offered to meet you at the mall. If you really wanted to go on "any date, with any guy" you'd have agreed. Instead you made it unnecessarily complicated. In future, just pick a nice bar, restaurant, or coffee place and say, "Let's meet at X place at Y time." That's fair. BUT, I don't exactly consider walking around the mall to be "a date." Meaning, I'm not really sure what I'm going to get out of it. Talking to another person? Maybe. But, the opportunity to sit down, in an intimate setting, even someplace like a kitschy cafe, across from each other, looking into the other's eyes and having a conversation......that's something I can use. That's something that will help me in the long run. That's the kind of practice I need.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said: But, the opportunity to sit down, in an intimate setting, even someplace like a kitschy cafe, across from each other, looking into the other's eyes and having a conversation......that's something I can use. That's something that will help me in the long run. That's the kind of practice I need. Fair enough, but surely you saw enough red flags to signal that this guy was not a suitable candidate even just for that? What sort of meaningful practice did you think you would achieve with someone like this? That's a genuine question, by the way. Edited November 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
FMW Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 Talking about needing to lie to his parents and being afraid they would follow him is just super weird and creepy. I know you're just wanting to date right now, but seriously, there's something off with this. As someone else mentioned, it makes more sense that he's lying and hiding what he's doing from a girlfriend or wife. I have never done online dating, but it seems to me that your first "date" should be something simple and easy that allows either/both of you to end it easily if you just aren't connecting. Not wanting to commit to several hours with someone you've never met before seems like a smart thing to do, not a red flag. Save the planned and ticketed events for going with friends or someone you've actually had a few dates with already. And if you feel the need to call someone out on something before you've even met, just move on to the next guy. I think you probably need to take a very casual approach to dating right now and just let things unfold. Let go of your need to control (I understand that, I have that at times too) and see what the guy does without prompting or suggesting. 1
Mystery4me Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 I agree there are countless red flags about him, but if a girl I was supposed to go on a first date with was as accusatory as you were, I would be cancelling and blocking you as well. Way too much drama. 2 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: So....my thought process was this: I didn't see anything long-term with the guy anyway, I wasn't all that attracted to him, so while yes, it was weird and bizarre and a turn-off, it also didn't sway me from my original intention. Which was to go on a date, any date, with any guy. Now, obviously, if I had some sort of hope for him or the date, I would have been reeling and cut things off right away. It's kind of like.....if an acquaintance of mine had tickets to Hamilton. And invited me. My goal is to see Hamilton....not really to spend time with the person. So, maybe the person is really annoying, and I know I am going to have to sit through 6 hours there and 6 hours back of her yammering on about her ex-boyfriend and kids and work, and eventually my ears are going to be feeling like they're bleeding. But...it's Hamilton. So, I'd put all of my reservations to the back of my brain, suck it up, and do what I gotta do to see Hamilton. Likewise, my goal is to start dating again. This was my only option so far. So, I'm gonna do what I gotta do to get back in the dating world. Bling, nothing personal but...the above attitude is not conducive to having a relationship, not with this guy, but with the guy who comes along that you really like. What you're describing is, again, very self-centered. Some would describe it as being a user. You would take a free ticket to Hamilton with someone you don't want to spend time with just to get to see Hamilton? That is a very sad way to live. Your attitudes and actions seem to me to be all about yourself, as I posted earlier and you ignored the post. You seem desperate to date, trying to manipulate situations to get into a relationship. I write this having read the thread you posted about your ex, who got tired of your game playing and finally began to give you a dose of your own medicine. All you need, really, it seems to me, is to learn to be kind to and considerate of others, not condescending of them (as it seems to me you are with this guy) and to learn the humanity of others, that they have feelings just like you do. And to treat them the way you'd want to be treated. Would you want someone who couldn't stand you to take a ticket from you to see a show just so they wouldn't have to pay for it themselves? And to sit there thinking how disgusting you are while taking your money? To me, this seems not only like being a user. It also seems very deceitful. Edited November 1, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease 3 1
basil67 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 On 11/1/2020 at 2:59 AM, TheBlingRing14 said: The plan was to meet up just to kind of feel each other out, and if we vibed well, there was another event that we were going to move on to. Unfortunately, you left the bolded out of the equation with wanting to buy tickets early. Buying them early is a great idea if you've been on a few dates and are confident that you'll want to continue the evening together. But pushing to buy tickets without even knowing if you'd vibe was too much. 2
Miss Spider Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) Stop considering guys you aren’t interested in out of desperation Edited November 1, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes 1
Maldives Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 Yep this is Soo common with dating apps and why I swear by em that they don't work. I've deleted all of my accounts they are s***
Wiseman2 Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 15 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said: . That's the kind of practice I need. Practice for what? 1
Trail Blazer Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 5 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: Yep this is Soo common with dating apps and why I swear by em that they don't work. I've deleted all of my accounts they are s*** I've been both stood up on multiple occasions (in the same week by two different women) and found success on many occasions. OLD apps can be horrible for many people and for those who do find success, I defy anyone to say they haven't had many negative experiences over their journey. I certainly wouldn't advocate for someone staying on apps and trying their luck in the face of continued failure. However, I also wouldn't blanket label them as $h°t because I, along with many other people, can attest to their value. You only need to find one good person who you'd otherwise have never had the opportunity to meet in real life for your whole perspective to change. 1
CLS63AMG Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 Whats wrong with grabbing a coffee and walking around the mall? A first date, the event is the other person. I laugh at people that go to fancy restaurants or concerts on first dates, there's a 80% chance you'll never even see that person again. 1
SumGuy Posted November 2, 2020 Posted November 2, 2020 22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: .... What sort of meaningful practice did you think you would achieve with someone like this? That's a genuine question, by the way. Maybe not meaningful for dating anyone half-way acceptable but perhaps fascinating just for how messed up it is. Maybe OP is a psychology major?
Recommended Posts