Stood up for a date. just need to vent

[TheBlingRing14]

Hey friends...I'm back on the dating scene, and let me tell you....I hate the first phase of dating. That part where it is trial and error and unfortunately a lot of error, before you find one or some people that are worthy of continuing a dating relationship. I just want to jump to the good dating phase and bypass the garbage dating phase. But.....that's not life, is it?

So, I had a date yesterday. The plan was to meet up just to kind of feel each other out, and if we vibed well, there was another event that we were going to move on to. In retrospect, I should have seen what happened coming. The day before, I had asked my date if he wanted to go ahead and purchase tickets for the event. It saved money over buying at the gate, and it would also save the hassle of standing in line and what not. Well, he didn't, which was fine. I told him it was fine, but it saved X dollars over waiting at the gate. His response was that yeah, that made sense, but he didn't want to, "just in case"  something came up. 

Now, I was patient and understanding. And direct. I'm working on being direct after all. So, I'm just like, "Well, is there something else possible going on tomorrow? Because if tomorrow isn't going to work, we can shoot for another time." He said that no, there was nothing going on....he was thinking just in case something comes up. Uhhhhh okay. So, I reply....."Well, 'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along?" He assures me no, no. I shouldn't think like that. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, fine. 

BUT.

I wake up the next morning to a text from him....it says good morning, and he is looking forward to meeting me today. (Yesterday) Great! I honestly was half-expecting not to get a date confirmation so getting that text was surprising...pleasantly surprised. So, around 10-10:30, I text him and make a slight venue change for the first "meeting up" part of the date. It wasn't like Starbucks to Chez Louie or something. It was a lateral move....we had talked about one cafe, but I asked if he minded meeting at this other cafe. I said, "I hope you don't mind..." And, he didn't. Great. 

Now, we had talked about a general time frame, but I wanted to nail it down, so around 1 pm, I sent him a text asking if 3:15 was okay." I didn't get anything back, but he didn't get off work till 1:30 so I figured I'd hear something after that....then I figured he went home to shower and get ready....but nothing ever came. So, I shoot him another text, and...I'm blocked. I go to the dating site where we met, and I am blocked there too. What the actual heck, dude?

I can understand cold feet. I can understand things coming up. But to flake and block me AFTER he had confirmed there would be a date? Beyond annoying. Now, I'm not super heart-broken, as I really didn't have much invested in this guy, obviously. I am more annoyed/upset than anything else. Between getting ghosted by a guy I really cared about that swore he would never ghost anyone and getting stood up by a guy who confirmed the said date the day of....I am going to have a very significant guard up against guys for a long while. My trust in people is shot. 

 

Anyway.....thanks....just needed to rant a bit. 

[Trail Blazer]

I've been stood up by a few chicks before.  I sat and ate at a restaurant by myself once because my date never showed up.  No explanation, nothing.  Some people just suck.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Hey friends...I'm back on the dating scene, and let me tell you....I hate the first phase of dating. That part where it is trial and error and unfortunately a lot of error, before you find one or some people that are worthy of continuing a dating relationship. I just want to jump to the good dating phase and bypass the garbage dating phase. But.....that's not life, is it?

So, I had a date yesterday. The plan was to meet up just to kind of feel each other out, and if we vibed well, there was another event that we were going to move on to. In retrospect, I should have seen what happened coming. The day before, I had asked my date if he wanted to go ahead and purchase tickets for the event. It saved money over buying at the gate, and it would also save the hassle of standing in line and what not. Well, he didn't, which was fine. I told him it was fine, but it saved X dollars over waiting at the gate. His response was that yeah, that made sense, but he didn't want to, "just in case"  something came up. 

Now, I was patient and understanding. And direct. I'm working on being direct after all. So, I'm just like, "Well, is there something else possible going on tomorrow? Because if tomorrow isn't going to work, we can shoot for another time." He said that no, there was nothing going on....he was thinking just in case something comes up. Uhhhhh okay. So, I reply....."Well, 'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along?" He assures me no, no. I shouldn't think like that. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, fine. 

BUT.

I wake up the next morning to a text from him....it says good morning, and he is looking forward to meeting me today. (Yesterday) Great! I honestly was half-expecting not to get a date confirmation so getting that text was surprising...pleasantly surprised. So, around 10-10:30, I text him and make a slight venue change for the first "meeting up" part of the date. It wasn't like Starbucks to Chez Louie or something. It was a lateral move....we had talked about one cafe, but I asked if he minded meeting at this other cafe. I said, "I hope you don't mind..." And, he didn't. Great. 

Now, we had talked about a general time frame, but I wanted to nail it down, so around 1 pm, I sent him a text asking if 3:15 was okay." I didn't get anything back, but he didn't get off work till 1:30 so I figured I'd hear something after that....then I figured he went home to shower and get ready....but nothing ever came. So, I shoot him another text, and...I'm blocked. I go to the dating site where we met, and I am blocked there too. What the actual heck, dude?

I can understand cold feet. I can understand things coming up. But to flake and block me AFTER he had confirmed there would be a date? Beyond annoying. Now, I'm not super heart-broken, as I really didn't have much invested in this guy, obviously. I am more annoyed/upset than anything else. Between getting ghosted by a guy I really cared about that swore he would never ghost anyone and getting stood up by a guy who confirmed the said date the day of....I am going to have a very significant guard up against guys for a long while. My trust in people is shot. 

 

Anyway.....thanks....just needed to rant a bit. 

Bling, the guy was a jerk for cancelling the date this way and then blocking you, but I gotta say with respect to the bolded above that you made way too much of this first meeting.  The first meeting should be light and easy, and yours seemed... well...  complicated.  First you have the issue two events in one date, the second of which was only going to happen if the first part went well, which puts a lot of pressure on the meeting, imo.  Ideally, the meeting should be something where, if you want to prolong it, you can do so organically.  But it seems like you had a time clock ticking, where you needed to make a decision about buying tickets sooner rather than later and then you added to this by wanting to buy the tickets before you even met the guy.  And then, when he didn't want to do that (which was completely reasonable, imo), you then accused him of wanting to flake.  He cleared those hurdles and then the next day you changed the venue. Again, I think what he did was rude but I can also see from his perspective that this was just way too much wrangling for a simple meet-and-greet. 

When I meet a guy for the first time, we pick a time and a place and that's it.  Planning is done.  I usually pick a place where we can get a drink and then, if things are going well, we can either grab some food or go for a walk.  Equally easily, we can go our separate ways.  It's low stress. And if the guy seems like he's going to flake, don't say anything:  let him show you, not tell you, who he is.  Once you suggest that he's going to flake, you've poisoned the well, so to speak.  it's hard for him to come back from that even if he had no intention of flaking, because now he has to disprove a negative ('when did you stop beating your wife?").  Just make a plan and then sit back and let it play out. Later on, once you are an established couple, you can make more complex plans but this is a first meet and it should be simple and easy.

[Versacehottie]

I think sometimes it's good to vent but just for a short while.  I think if you "hold onto" beliefs about things such as dating, the first stages, that people are out to hurt you, that things "should or should not" be a certain way it will color your dating and life.  The more negative beliefs you have, the more negatively.  Not saying this to put the "blame" on you.  When you look for certain things, you find them.  So look for the good.

I completely agree with introverted. While I think you see all of what happened leading up to the date as direct and just confirming things---it was a little full on and taking the lead, IMO.  While there's nothing wrong with that if that's who you are, it's not going to be a fit for every guy.  My guess is some of the way you interacted with him may have lead an already slightly flakey guy to flaking.  A lot of women are on apps to find a relationships. A lot of guys are on to date around and IF a connection happens where they felt like continuing things into a relationship, they would be willing/want to do that.  I think more girls should take that attitude.  That way you will see if someone really measures up to what you want and need and is a good fit for you.  My guess is if you value more structure and planning and being proactive about things, he's probably not the one for you compatibility-wise, something he might have recognized right away.  While it can sting at first and disappoint you regarding continuing on to find the right person, don't let it derail you--there is someone better suited out there for you. In a way, it's a blessing that he disappeared.  

IMO, one thing you should change is that I don't think you should have confronted of him on his misstep in saying that "in case anything comes up".  It doesn't really matter that you were right (also perhaps confronting him caused this thing in part to happen).  You basically in the course of saying it alluded to "something better".  Ah no girl. It's like a little bit of baggage no matter how right you were.  I liked your more subtle tactic of offering a reschedule when he sounded hesitant--maybe follow that through, ie some guy is not sure about you, well then don't waste your time--chances are he would have chased after you at that point.  But instead by offer the "out" and then tryin to really really really get him to confirm, it seemed like a bit rigid and he was essentially in the decider position.  Just like you should let him SHOW you who he is, he's taking clues from what you show him about who you are.  

Anyway, I know today is just a venting day and feeling bad; and we can't change that he may be a certain type of person.  Part of a person is fixed and the rest happens fluidly due to who they are interacting with and the situations they are in.  You can control that part that the situations are conducive to a good beginning and representative of how you want to be perceived.  If you feel great about how you managed your end, there is nothing to be sad about because you aren't a match then.  I think a little fine tuning will help your end so you can maximize opportunities (you might still meet flakey people but on your terms if that makes sense).  Good luck

[Ruby Slippers]

That sucks. But I agree the plan was too complicated. Anytime I've done online dating, the man invites me to lunch or dinner, we agree to meet at X place at Y time, and that's that. If it goes well, he invites me to extend the time together elsewhere. Easy peasy. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

In retrospect, I should have seen what happened coming. The day before, I had asked my date if he wanted to go ahead and purchase tickets for the event. It saved money over buying at the gate, and it would also save the hassle of standing in line and what not. Well, he didn't, which was fine. I told him it was fine, but it saved X dollars over waiting at the gate. His response was that yeah, that made sense, but he didn't want to, "just in case"  something came up. 

Bling, you actually answered your own question - "In retrospect, I should have seen what happened coming."  You're absolutely right about that.  

You need to screen better.  When I did OLD and guys alluded to "something coming up," automatic next.  Seriously I just couldn't be bothered.  

To me that indicated  a low level of interest (in simply meeting) and if something better came up, he'd flake.  Which is precisely what happened here 

Also, there were too many texts from you "confirming" blah blah.  First meets should not be this complicated.  

Tune up your BS meter and I think you'll do great!  Stop trying so hard.  

That's my best advice, it worked pretty well for me.  Have fun and good luck!

Edited October 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[Happy Lemming]

51 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

...this was just way too much wrangling for a simple meet-and-greet.

100% Agree... this was entirely too much maintenance, too much communication, too much everything for a first date.

I hate "change of plans".  I'll offer up a time and a place, if its agreed upon we are set (especially for a first date).  I usually don't require, nor send a confirmation.  We are both adults and if she doesn't show up, then I'll eat at the bar (similar to @Trail Blazer)

A change of plans (especially the day of) and I'll call off the date (immediately), as that is a precursor of what to expect going forward.

In my opinion, keep things light & easy...

[Trail Blazer]

3 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% Agree... this was entirely too much maintenance, too much communication, too much everything for a first date.

I hate "change of plans".  I'll offer up a time and a place, if its agreed upon we are set (especially for a first date).  I usually don't require, nor send a confirmation.  We are both adults and if she doesn't show up, then I'll eat at the bar (similar to @Trail Blazer)

A change of plans (especially the day of) and I'll call off the date (immediately), as that is a precursor of what to expect going forward.

In my opinion, keep things light & easy...

Exactly right.  First dates shouldn't be complicated at all.  Meet somewhere, eat.  A man's still gotta eat, so if a woman can't even turn up at the agreed upon time without further prompting then the way I see it, I'm better off not eating in her company.

[Happy Lemming]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

...so if a woman can't even turn up at the agreed upon time without further prompting then the way I see it, I'm better off not eating in her company.

Yes... in my 40 years of dating, the number of times I was stood up is probably less than 10.  I guess I should qualify that I don't do "on-line" dating and have met every woman I've dated in "real-life".  I don't know if that is a factor or not... draw your own conclusions.

I can only think of one time, I showed up at a woman's apartment to take her to dinner and she forgot she made plans with me. She had already ate. Trying to salvage the evening, I asked her if she'd like to go get an ice cream sundae as dessert, which was met with a quick "YES"!!  So, my dinner turned into large ice cream sundae and she got a smaller one.

[Miss Spider]

I love dating. 

1 hour ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Hey friends...I'm back on the dating scene, and let me tell you....I hate the first phase of dating. That part where it is trial and error and unfortunately a lot of error, before you find one or some people that are worthy of continuing a dating relationship. I just want to jump to the good dating phase and bypass the garbage dating phase. But.....that's not life, is it?

So, I had a date yesterday. The plan was to meet up just to kind of feel each other out, and if we vibed well, there was another event that we were going to move on to. In retrospect, I should have seen what happened coming. The day before, I had asked my date if he wanted to go ahead and purchase tickets for the event. It saved money over buying at the gate, and it would also save the hassle of standing in line and what not. Well, he didn't, which was fine. I told him it was fine, but it saved X dollars over waiting at the gate. His response was that yeah, that made sense, but he didn't want to, "just in case"  something came up. 

Now, I was patient and understanding. And direct. I'm working on being direct after all. So, I'm just like, "Well, is there something else possible going on tomorrow? Because if tomorrow isn't going to work, we can shoot for another time." He said that no, there was nothing going on....he was thinking just in case something comes up. Uhhhhh okay. So, I reply...[b].."Well, 'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along?" [/b]He assures me no, no. I shouldn't think like that. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, fine. 

I can understand cold feet. I can understand things coming up. But to flake and block me AFTER he had confirmed there would be a date? Beyond annoying. Now, I'm not super heart-broken, as I really didn't have much invested in this guy, obviously. I am more annoyed/upset than anything else. Between getting ghosted by a guy I really cared about that swore he would never ghost anyone and getting stood up by a guy who confirmed the said date the day of....I am going to have a very significant guard up against guys for a long while. My trust in people is shot. 

 

 

Whoa whoa, girl. So this is good internal monologue you should be having( because his behavior WAS a total and definite red flag)But you actually said this to him? xD No wonder he got annoyed, and subsequently blocked you.  
 

I understand your quest to become more direct, but it was misdirected here. You are barking orders at a uninterested man. He is lukewarm about going on this date with you and you are trying to direct him in order to nail him down for the date. That isn’t going to work very well and probably just make him less interested. it reminds me of the ghosted guy that sends a text chewing out the girl who ghosted him. Dude, if she had the capacity to  care, she wouldn’t have done that in the first place

And he showed clear signs that he was going to flake. An interested guy does not say “I am not buying the tickets ahead of time because something might happen come up. He basically told you he was anticipating flaking and everything else, ie not even planning a time to meet, confirmed that. 
 

Being more direct the right way would have looked more like telling him, “if you’re wanting to meet up tomorrow, I need a time.” Or even better, direct would be cancelling dates with lukewarm time-wasters. 
 

anyway, I’m sorry this happened. He sounds like an idiot 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Wiseman2]

Ok, he's a jerk for ghosting . Unfortunately it sounds like he thought to himself "all this arranging, rearranging, debating, rearranging again" then being accused of  "'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along" sounds like way too much work .

Next time arrange a time place date and Stick To It. No debates, no discussions on ticket prices, this place rather than that place etc.

Just get a cup of coffee, no tickets, no changes of venue etc. Try not to make things this difficult for yourself. if you are not ready to date and have a simple uncomplicated first coffee meet, then lay back rather than jerk anyone around this much and sabotage yourself.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That sucks. But I agree the plan was too complicated. Anytime I've done online dating, the man invites me to lunch or dinner, we agree to meet at X place at Y time, and that's that. If it goes well, he invites me to extend the time together elsewhere. Easy peasy. 

This ^^^ 100%. You got too pushy, too fussy, and you were starting to look high maintenance. Guys like agreeable, non complicated, go with the flow type women. Dating etiquette 101: let the man take the lead unless he asks the lady about other options.

How he handled it...ya he was not a gentleman.  Sorry to say this but, you blew it. Next time just say yes that will be fine and leave it alone.

Edited October 31, 2020 by smackie9

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That sucks. But I agree the plan was too complicated. Anytime I've done online dating, the man invites me to lunch or dinner, we agree to meet at X place at Y time, and that's that. If it goes well, he invites me to extend the time together elsewhere. Easy peasy. 

My thoughts exactly. First you asked him to buy tickets the day before a concert and he said no, he didn't want to. Then you pushed him to meet you the next day by trying to rearrange a coffee date, with a lot of back and forth texting. And you got way ahead of yourself, already planning a second venue if the first venue went well. That's way too much overthinking things. Try not to complicate your first dates so much next time.

The simpler you can make your first dates, the better.

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it sounds like he thought to himself "all this arranging, rearranging, debating, rearranging again" then being accused of  "'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along" sounds like way too much work .

Next time arrange a time place date and Stick To It. No debates, no discussions on ticket prices, this place rather than that place etc.

As Wisement pointed out, you went overboard which put the guy off something major. That's why he blocked you on the dating site and your cellphone #. It was a first date. Those are not supposed to involve so much 'drama'.

This guy wasn't a jerk. He just reacted the way you set up this first date; meeting you on your terms, and your terms only. You did all the planning. Did he even get a say in where you two should meet for your first date?

And I have to ask: how long did you text this guy, before this first date? Remember last time you spent weeks texting back and forth with the guy who you said ghosted you. The advice you were given is to stop doing that. Stop emotionally investing in some complete stranger via text messaging b/c the way he texts with you is not an accurate reflection of who the guy really is.

Next time you find a guy you like, don't get into that place where you spend weeks texting with him. That hasn't helped you in the past with men. So, maximum two maybe three texts total before you two meet up for the first date.

And, let the guy offer a first date venue idea to you. If you involve him then he'll feel less pressure from you and will feel like you two are on more equal footing.

If the next guy throws out your first date suggestion, move on to the next guy for a first date. Don't even offer up another date idea. Don't waste your time.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Watercolors

[Watercolors]

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

I can understand cold feet. I can understand things coming up. But to flake and block me AFTER he had confirmed there would be a date

He did that in response to your behavior here:
 

4 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

So, I reply....."Well, 'just in case' sounds like you are leaving an opening to flake on me if something better comes along?" He assures me no, no. I shouldn't think like that. Blah, blah, blah. Ok, fine. 

Since you were confrontational with this guy, you totally put him off wanting to meet you in person, is my best guess. You basically accused him of ghosting you, ahead of even meeting you first, based on your most recent experience of you being ghosted. So, in that sense, you were totally projecting your anger and frustration that you feel about that guy who ghosted you, because you carried your anger and defensiveness forward instead of processing those feelings first, and letting them go, so that they won't impact your future dates or relationships. So many people, just repress their last relationship's negative feelings that they end up sabotaging themselves and never having success where dating and relationships are concerned.

So, it makes sense to me why he was a no-show and blocked you. He didn't want to meet a woman who is still seething from her last failed relationship. Those were his boundaries with you. He doesn't want to have to 'fix' you. He doesn't want to have to take on all your seething anger about your previous guy as his problem to fix. That's not fair to him. To any guy you meet moving forward. So, you need to learn to process and let go of your previous relationship feelings so that you stop bringing them forward - i.e. triggered -- when you meet someone new. Clearly, you are not even over the ghost-guy. Or you wouldn't have confronted this guy who is probably a very nice normal guy.

I know you are multi-dating right now too. But do you really think that is the best route for you, to get over this guy who ghosted you and hurt you so bad? Why not just postpone dating for now, and focus on some other area of your life that you want to grow that does not involve romance. Just take a break from online dating. Use that money to take a class, or go for a weekend trip somewhere. Just take a break from online dating for now maybe.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ellener]

@TheBlingRing14 it's a weirdness of the flakey nation, but if you want to live here accept it. 

When I first emigrated from England I was stunned by how many times people made arrangements which did not happen, at the time friendships....the moment someone starts prevaricating now I just assume they are a flake and I don't make plans unless that's where I wanted to be anyway, alone or with someone.

And in these impoverished times don't asume it's about you either. I got tickets for a play with a date whose car got repossessed, messing up our arrangement.

I watched the play alone and made the best of it.

In the end making the best of things is all we can do.

 

[poppyfields]

Bling, I agree with everthing everyone posted about you pushing too hard, I briefly mentioned that in my first post too.  Lesson learned for next time. 

But honestly, this "meet" would have been a massive fail regardless.  The guy just wasn't all in.  As evidenced by his refusal to buy tickets (on his own accord not because you asked) followed by "something might come up." 

That's just a flake waiting to happen right there!  Next time a guy says this to you, or the like, do yourself a huge favor and just next him.  No need to even respond imo.  Simply move along. 

Work on tuning up your BS meter, seriously..  Having a fine-tuned BS meter is absolutely necessary and will do you a world of good, I promise you.

Edited October 31, 2020 by poppyfields

[TheBlingRing14]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Bling, I agree with everthing everyone posted about you pushing too hard, I briefly mentioned that in my first post too.  Lesson learned for next time. 

But honestly, this "meet" would have been a massive fail regardless.  The guy just wasn't all in.  As evidenced by his refusal to buy tickets (on his own accord not because you asked) followed by "something might come up." 

That's just a flake waiting to happen right there!  Next time a guy says this to you, or the like, do yourself a huge favor and just next him.  No need to even respond imo.  Simply move along. 

Work on tuning up your BS meter, seriously..  Having a fine-tuned BS meter is absolutely necessary and will do you a world of good, I promise you.

Thanks my friend.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not THAT broken up about it. I wasn't really all that attracted to him, and didn't see him as a long-term match. 

He said he hadn't been on a date in years (which is fine) but as we were hashing out back and forth the particulars of our date, one thing he kept coming back to was that he was worried about what he was going to tell his parents. He lives with his parents (which again, is fine); that fact in and of itself didn't really bother me, so much as he kept talking about he was worried about what he was going to tell his Dad, and if they'd believe him, and how much they'd freak out if they knew he was meeting a girl from online. 

He also suggested that we meet at the mall and walk around as Date #1, which was kind of a red flag for me. 

Anyway...my hopes for this particular date weren't really all that high, other than, as I've said before, the chance to "get out there" and sharpen my dating tools, smooth out any rough edges, and just practice being a dating adult again. That's part of the reason I didn't next him, despite the fact that deep down, I knew the guy was probably not worth it. It was still an opportunity for me to hone my craft, so I still had hope. 

I also saw it as an opportunity to communicate more directly, and not beat around the bush, the way I did in the last relationship which caused a huge mess of things. I now know there is a fine line between being direct and being pushy. And, I don't have to say or text something that is in my head every single time. So live and learn, I guess. 

[Watercolors]

46 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Thanks my friend.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not THAT broken up about it. I wasn't really all that attracted to him, and didn't see him as a long-term match. 

He said he hadn't been on a date in years (which is fine) but as we were hashing out back and forth the particulars of our date, one thing he kept coming back to was that he was worried about what he was going to tell his parents. He lives with his parents (which again, is fine); that fact in and of itself didn't really bother me, so much as he kept talking about he was worried about what he was going to tell his Dad, and if they'd believe him, and how much they'd freak out if they knew he was meeting a girl from online. 

He also suggested that we meet at the mall and walk around as Date #1, which was kind of a red flag for me. 

Anyway...my hopes for this particular date weren't really all that high, other than, as I've said before, the chance to "get out there" and sharpen my dating tools, smooth out any rough edges, and just practice being a dating adult again. That's part of the reason I didn't next him, despite the fact that deep down, I knew the guy was probably not worth it. It was still an opportunity for me to hone my craft, so I still had hope. 

I also saw it as an opportunity to communicate more directly, and not beat around the bush, the way I did in the last relationship which caused a huge mess of things. I now know there is a fine line between being direct and being pushy. And, I don't have to say or text something that is in my head every single time. So live and learn, I guess. 

Oh come on now, BlingRing! You were so invested in this first date, that you even had multiple venues planned based on how well you thought it would go.
 

Quote

Anyway...my hopes for this particular date weren't really all that high, other than, as I've said before, the chance to "get out there" and sharpen my dating tools, smooth out any rough edges, and just practice being a dating adult again

Is that why you totally confronted the poor guy about ghosting you?  How is being confrontational sharpening your dating tools and "get out there" exactly? If there's one thing missing from your posts that I've noticed, it is your refusal to take responsibility for your actions. You totally bulldozed this poor guy and then got mad when he backed out because of the way you jumped on him for not wanting to buy concert tickets.

And, turns out, he did offer his version of a first date to you - walking around the mall - which is totally casual and leaves open the opportunity to move from a casual walk in a "safe space" for you both, to go somewhere inside the mall as the chemistry would have progressed. In my eyes, he was being super respectful and considerate offering up the mall as a first date venue. Plus, it was free in case you two didn't hit it off, you could go your separate ways. But if you did hit it off, you two could have started out walking around, then go into a restaurant for food which would have made him comfortable and you as well.

Quote

I also saw it as an opportunity to communicate more directly, and not beat around the bush,

Whoa there. You were super insecure and defensive with him after he didn't want to buy concert tickets with you, the way you told him he was just trying to get out of the first date in case he got a better offer. That's not communicating directly. That's being really rude to someone who is probably a nice, normal guy. The only red flag here, is your behavior my friend. And you judge him for living at home as if it's a sign that his personality and character must be defective?

Maybe the truth is: you and he were not compatible and this first date debacle was the result of that incompatibility. You cannot accuse men of ghosting you like that, and not expect them to react by blocking you afterward. What did you expect him to do? Of course he responded politely that he wouldn't back out. But he was being polite because he probably knew if he was honest with you, that would trigger your anger even more.

Like I said, I don't think you are emotionally ready to be out there dating after your last relationship. I think you need to recover from that relationship first, so that you can be fair with all of these guys, instead of accusing them of not wanting to meetup with you the way that you did with this guy.

Edited November 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[beentheredonethat77]

I think you gave a lukewarm man a series of red flags he couldn't ignore by the end. 

1. Fussing about the tickets / where they'd be cheaper etc -- its all very unromantic and unsexy and a bit 'wife naggy' 

2. Calling him out for saying 'just in case' -- when he was being sensible -- his sentence was probably going to be 'just in case you are a psycho/high maintenance/ not my type --and i dont want to continue on to the concert after coffee.... but he couldnt' say that. 

3. The pressure he felt that you were already assuming the second part of the date was happening.. he knew it would be hard to get out of it once he was there.   Also, not saying you meant it this way but he may have felt somewhat pressured to pony up money now/upfront and awkward saying 'no'. to buying tickets (emasculated / awkward money discussion before even meeting) ...

So he's already feeling lukewarm and thinking maybe this girl is hard work / controlling / always fussing .. maybe hes even feeling a bit frustrated that he cant even lead the date/enjoy the courting a bit... and then boom.. straw that broke camels back

4. You change location of cafe.. (we dont even know the reason for the change but if it was more fussing / silly reason .. that just adds even more fuel to the already flaming fire)

He was feeling turned off and not excited at this point -- he may have considered trying to tell you this but then your frenetic energy to control the date may have sensed you'd go off at him "see i knew you would flake!!! i knew it" -- or something similar ---- He wanted out.. and clean.    VERY rude of him .. but maybe he justified that he was dodging some crazy drama. 

 

Blingbling, dont worry, this is all part of the dating lessons we had to learn.. just relax and let them take the lead.... dial back the intensity regarding all the actual date logistics --- keep it super simple. 

[TheBlingRing14]

12 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Oh come on now, BlingRing! You were so invested in this first date, that you even had multiple venues planned based on how well you thought it would go.
 

Is that why you totally confronted the poor guy about ghosting you?  How is being confrontational sharpening your dating tools and "get out there" exactly? If there's one thing missing from your posts that I've noticed, it is your refusal to take responsibility for your actions. You totally bulldozed this poor guy and then got mad when he backed out because of the way you jumped on him for not wanting to buy concert tickets.

And, turns out, he did offer his version of a first date to you - walking around the mall - which is totally casual and leaves open the opportunity to move from a casual walk in a "safe space" for you both, to go somewhere inside the mall as the chemistry would have progressed. In my eyes, he was being super respectful and considerate offering up the mall as a first date venue. Plus, it was free in case you two didn't hit it off, you could go your separate ways. But if you did hit it off, you two could have started out walking around, then go into a restaurant for food which would have made him comfortable and you as well.

Whoa there. You were super insecure and defensive with him after he didn't want to buy concert tickets with you, the way you told him he was just trying to get out of the first date in case he got a better offer. That's not communicating directly. That's being really rude to someone who is probably a nice, normal guy. The only red flag here, is your behavior my friend. And you judge him for living at home as if it's a sign that his personality and character must be defective?

Maybe the truth is: you and he were not compatible and this first date debacle was the result of that incompatibility. You cannot accuse men of ghosting you like that, and not expect them to react by blocking you afterward. What did you expect him to do? Of course he responded politely that he wouldn't back out. But he was being polite because he probably knew if he was honest with you, that would trigger your anger even more.

Like I said, I don't think you are emotionally ready to be out there dating after your last relationship. I think you need to recover from that relationship first, so that you can be fair with all of these guys, instead of accusing them of not wanting to meetup with you the way that you did with this guy.

So the multiple venues thing was HIS idea, not mine. So, it had nothing to do with how well I thought anything would go. Again, it was his idea, so I went along with it. I was perfectly happy to go along with it, and either go straight to dinner, or straight to the event, or whatever. And, if we didn't get along, we didn't get along. It was still good practice anyway. I had no need to see how well things went, because frankly, I wasn't anticipating much anyway. 

As far as the mall goes, you make my point exactly. It's free. It's something I did in high school and college when meeting up with dates. But, as an adult....I just expect a little bit more of an investment. 

As far as the calling him out on anticipating him flaking, I fully admit that after the fact I wondered if I had gone too far, if I had been too direct. And I did come to the conclusion that I had probably been over the top in calling him out. And again, I fully anticipated that I had blown it. And, if so, I would have completely understood. BUT, then I woke up to the "Looking forward to meeting you" text so I figured I got lucky and the whole thing had blown over. 

So yes, I realize where I made my mistake in all of this. And, like always seems to happen, I don't realize my mistake until after the fact. But still....at some point HE confirms that a date is going to happen, so I do feel that at that point, the blame is on him. He could have sent me a text the next day saying, "You know, I'm not feeling it." Or heck, he could have blocked me first thing in the morning. But, he confirms and THEN stands me up....to me, that's the part that is inexcusable. 

Also, I thought I made it pretty clear. I don't judge him for living at home. I live at home. As I said, that fact does not bother me. The part about him having to make excuses (lies) to his family about where he's going to be, and he's worried they'll find out he's with a girl. And his parents want to know where he is at all times. He was SO worried about coming up with a lie and then them not finding out about it, and so on. 

I do appreciate your opinion about me not being emotionally ready to be dating. But, historically speaking, "taking a break" has never helped me after a breakup. The only thing that has ever helped me move on from any particular guy is getting back on the horse. Trust me, I have had heartbreaks where I have said, "I never want to date ever again" and I go into celibate mode. But ultimately, once I start to put myself out there is when I truly start to recover. 

[Miss Spider]

Hey, at least bling recognizes she was being too pushy with him. Peoplr should take it easy on bling. Dating takes some practice sometimes. I think of the stuff I did when I first started dating. 

I agree the guy was lukewarm and most likely he did not want to invest in the tickets. So maybe next time if you have the inclination to practice or to just get some experience, why not try the ‘free’ or low investment dates? You never know, you may hit it off and have dinner and show on the next date. 
 

it was lame of him to block and delete but the thing is that he really probably just didn’t want any confrontation or to explain what happened. Was easier for him to make the whole thing poof 

 

 

[TheBlingRing14]

24 minutes ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

 

4. You change location of cafe.. (we dont even know the reason for the change but if it was more fussing / silly reason .. that just adds even more fuel to the already flaming fire)

 

Yeah, this is the thing that I don't quite understand. Yes, we had mentioned a place the night before, but it's not like it was some super-special place. We hadn't even agreed on which specific location of the place we said to meet. 

It would be like saying, "I know we said Starbucks, but how about the Costa Coffee across the street?" 

Secondly, it isn't like I was demanding about it....I wasn't like "Well I changed my mind, and we're going here instead." I said, "If it's okay with you..." I was thinking about this other place. Is that alright? And he agreed. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

4 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Yeah, this is the thing that I don't quite understand. Yes, we had mentioned a place the night before, but it's not like it was some super-special place. We hadn't even agreed on which specific location of the place we said to meet. 

It would be like saying, "I know we said Starbucks, but how about the Costa Coffee across the street?" 

Secondly, it isn't like I was demanding about it....I wasn't like "Well I changed my mind, and we're going here instead." I said, "If it's okay with you..." I was thinking about this other place. Is that alright? And he agreed. 

It's not like it was an offensive thing to do. What it was, was the "peppering" him with texts.  Best to keep things simple, smooth and flowing. If you hear a drop of water fall from a faucet you just turned off, it's fine for most people. But, if the faucet continues to drip it becomes maddening.  Any one of the drops of water that go "drip drip drip" are fine on their own. It's the continual drip that drives people nuts.

When you're involved with anyone at any point in the relationship, be it friendship or romantic relationships, don't drip drip drip texts at them.

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Hey, at least bling recognizes she was being too pushy with him. Peoplr should take it easy on bling. Dating takes some practice sometimes.

I'm not being hard on her. I'm pointing out what I think negatively influenced the outcome of BlingRing's first date with this guy. And I'm glad she's able to acknowledge that she realized after the fact that she made a mistake, confronting him the way that she did.

I still believe she's not over her last relationship and those emotions are bleeding out into every conversation she has moving forward, as demonstrated with this guy,when she projected her past relationship trauma and defensiveness onto him just because he said, "just in case something comes up."

And she's not dating men for the first time ever here Shortskirt. She's not 15 years old. I think this is more about BlingRing learning to calm down with regard to her need to try to control every aspect of every date she goes on. Every man is different and there's no template to be followed. Just be reasonable and use common sense. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

51 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Yeah, this is the thing that I don't quite understand. Yes, we had mentioned a place the night before, but it's not like it was some super-special place. We hadn't even agreed on which specific location of the place we said to meet. 

It would be like saying, "I know we said Starbucks, but how about the Costa Coffee across the street?" 

Secondly, it isn't like I was demanding about it....I wasn't like "Well I changed my mind, and we're going here instead." I said, "If it's okay with you..." I was thinking about this other place. Is that alright? And he agreed. 

To be 100% honest...it feels like it was just one more thing on top of all the other things and probably just the final thing that made him think: forget it.

Just be casual next time. It sounds like you were so insistent about so many things. Like it was this odd power struggle and you hadn't even gotten to the first date. He got a weird feeling from it all and he just darted and blocked.