Watercolors Posted October 31, 2020 Posted October 31, 2020 I agree with all of the great advice here. Here's my input: The married couple's negativity feels familiar to your boyfriend so it doesn't bother him as much as it bothers you. Since you are an empathic, kind and sensitive person, you are vulnerable to the effects of toxic negativity when its around you. Do some visualizations before you visit them; some deep breathing exercises. These will help you keep your energy grounded so that you don't absorb their toxic negativity. Definitely don't give your boyfriend an ultimatum "them" or "you" because he'll choose his friends over you. And you don't want that. People LOVE to talk about themselves. If you can't avoid being around this married couple, find out what they love to talk about and just distract them with conversation about themselves or their favorite subject. You can always try to avoid socializing with the married couple, by letting your boyfriend know that you have plans already when he asks you to go with him to visit these friends. Your thread reminds me of that Depeche Mode song, "People Are People." Just remember that you don't need to change these people (and you can't). But you can change how you feel around them, through avoidance or through pre-grounding meditation (I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are). 1
alphamale Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 8 hours ago, FMW said: Last night I spent the evening with the guy I'm involved with and his three closest friends, I've shared quite a bit of time with them over the past year. One he has known for most of his life and is widowed, as he is. I enjoy being around him. Two of them are married to each other and have known him about 10 years. The husband is extremely opinionated and usually dominates the conversation. The wife is very blunt and straightforward. I don't generally have a problem with that but she can be judgmental in a harsh way that sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, as if I need to defend the person she's talking about even if I don't know them. The husband usually expounds on the negative comments. I do voice my opinion at times in general and if I know the person she's talking about, in specific. "My guy" is a kind and thoughtful person and always very friendly and welcoming to people. He's a musician, so of course that's part of what's needed for his professional persona, but it's genuine and who he is in private. He listens to what they're saying and will sometimes make a relevant remark, but he doesn't seem to feel any need to bring the conversation back to a less judgmental level. We socialize a lot with one of my good friends and her boyfriend, also a musician that works frequently with my guy and they consider each other good friends. Our time together with them and our conversations have such a different vibe to them and are fairly equal as to who brings up topics and then in the discussion. Sure, we might snark about someone occasionally but it's seldom with any hard judgment. When we leave those get togethers I feel happy. After our get together last night I felt negative and like I just wanted to escape from all of them - including my guy even though he hadn't really said much during the conversations that were so negative. These friends are very important to him, they helped him through the incredibly difficult times of being his late wife's caretaker during the final years of her life and then her death from cancer. They are a regular presence in his day to day life. I've felt welcomed and accepted, which wasn't a given since they were all close with his late wife as well, having met them prior to her diagnosis. At times though I do feel the conversations about people they all knew from the past (that I've never met) go on far too long and leave me with nothing to do but sit and smile for long periods of time. Those conversations are always initiated by the married couple, not by my guy or the other friend. For the first time it popped into my head - what does it say about him that these are his closest friends? Or maybe the question is why is this bothering me so much. Birds of a feather flock together 1
Woggle Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 His friends sound like some of mine. I don't always agree with them but they were there during some of the lowest points in my life and that speaks volumes. For the most part I like my wife's friends but the ones that I don't mix with I just go and do my own thing when they are around. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 If you want to move forward with him, you need to tell yourself "like is not important". All you have to do is respect him and his people. It doesn't matter what your friends think of his friends. Of course you like your friends, they're your friends. Keep in mind he met them as well and you have no idea if he "likes" them or not. What you do know is he went along graciously with your people. 1
basil67 Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) Visit with them while you feel able to. But if they are driving you nuts with their negativity and you feel like you may lose your temper (speaking from experience), you need to bow out of all possible interactions with them. Sure, if they are at an event and you can do warm fake greetings and then discretely avoid them, by all means attend. But if you're stuck with just the four of you around the dinner table and it's doing your head in, bow out. Edited November 1, 2020 by basil67 1
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