Should I just let things go, and take it day by day, or just stay friends with him and not let things progress any further?

[Welcomeluv]

Hello.

This post may be long, but I’ll keep it straight to the point. I need to know if I should just move on. I would appreciate raw, truthful insight and advice.

I have known my friend for many years. We started off as FWB, and when I decided to join the military I blocked his number for a year. I decided I wanted a fresh start in my life, and did not want any distractions. Fast forward a few years, I went through my list of blocked numbers and decided to unblock his. He texted me the one day, and from there we started talking again.

Whenever I would come home for the holidays, we would hang out. Over time, it was clear he was developing feelings for me, although nothing was official. 

I remember snooping online, trying to dig up information on him. I did find a girl’s profile on Facebook, and saw a picture of them together. After having done some more investigation, I have discovered more pictures of them together, with both their families involved. I did ask him if he had a girlfriend, to which he avoided the question. I left it at that, although it did make me wonder. 

In late last year, we hung out once and decided we were going to hang out again. The first time we hung out, he told me he really liked me. Well, the second time we were going to get together he apparently he wasn’t feeling well so we never got to hang out. This infuriated my mother, and so she told me not to respond to his texts, etc. I did tell my mother we were interested in each other, and that I did want him to meet my family and friends, although it never got to that point since he seemed dodgy about the whole thing.

When I came back home, I did some more snooping online while having a generous amount of wine and found a different picture of him and this same girl at a sports game.

The night I discovered that pic on his account, I angrily texted him the next morning and asked “How is your girlfriend doing?” To which he replied “Huh?” And I texted back “Who is blank?” He blocked me for two months. 

At this point, I became enraged and messaged her and basically said “Hey! Are you dating blank? Because I’ve been sleeping with him for the past couple years!” She blocked me. I also messaged her mother and said “Hey! Is your daughter dating blank?” She also blocked me. I logged onto a different account and found that she took down the picture of them together. Please keep in mind I know this was very wrong on my part, and I shouldn’t have went that far in terms of messaging them. Alcohol played a major factor in all this drama, since then I have sought professional help and quit drinking.

My mother did say maybe it was just a close friend of his, but to me it seemed like they were dating the whole time, for at least a few years... while me and him were hanging out and having sex, along with the endless nights of confiding in each other via text messaging and phone calls.

He later reached out to me again, as if nothing happened. He never brought that girl up, even though in a fit of anger I told him it was weird he never told me who she was when I confronted him about the whole situation. Since all the drama subsided, we have been talking and keeping things cordial. I must say, I am in a better head space since I’ve left my drinking days behind me.

He still seems to harbor feelings for me, and keeps saying he wants to come down and visit, which never happens so I don’t get my hopes up anymore. According to him, he is single and wants to find that special someone in his life.

On a final note, ever since we first started talking again over the past couple of years,  I have dated guys here and there, but nothing long term or serious.

I have now in my 30s, and I am beginning to resign myself to staying single. I have been with many men in my twenties, and as time goes by it gets harder and harder to trust men.

I suppose the only reason I keep hanging onto my friend is that he doesn’t want to leave my life. All the times I tried to cut him off, he would make it clear that he wants to be there for me, and that he will never give up on me. I remember the one time I blocked him, he reached me on a different number. 

It seems as though things got too complicated. I am separating from the military soon and will be moving to another distant city. I’m not sure if I should just let things go, and take it day by day... or just stay friends with him and not let things progress any further.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long, winded post. As I said before, I would appreciate any advice on what to do. I feel lost. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

7 minutes ago, Welcomeluv said:

All the times I tried to cut him off, he would make it clear that he wants to be there for me, and that he will never give up on me. I remember the one time I blocked him, he reached me on a different number. 

IMO, he likes that you like him. What you do with that is up to you. Since you're 30 and single, no shortage of eligible young men out there. Men who'll like you, and want to be with you.

[Trail Blazer]

Move to your new home and start looking for a man there if you plan to settle down in that city.  Start fresh and leave the past where it should stay; the past.

I see no good coming about from pursuing anything with this man.  He seems shady/untrustworthy and you seem like you have a short fuse.  Not a good mix.

Edited November 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Miss Spider]

First off. Thx for your service.
 

But what’s with all of the drama? Contacting his girl and all that. Maybe if you were 19 this would be more understandable, but you’re not. & you’re still messing with him, because he still hooks up with you/pops back in your life? You know you deserve better than all this.  Cut him off

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, carhill said:

IMO, he likes that you like him. What you do with that is up to you. Since you're 30 and single, no shortage of eligible young men out there. Men who'll like you, and want to be with you.

Agree. Once you get him out of your life, you'll make room for better men.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's time to let him go for good, and not remain friends. 

This never got off the ground and it's unlikely that the past drama is totally forgotten (by either of you) Better to leave this one behind you and start fresh. 

[Welcomeluv]

Hey,

Thanks all. I agree with what everyone has said. I needed the truth, even if it does hurt.

It’s easier said than done to cut someone off. I have cut many people off with no problem... I believe as a friend he does care, however it’s not meant to be.

Perhaps just stay in touch?

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Welcomeluv said:

Perhaps just stay in touch?

How will you feel when he gets a new girlfriend?

[Welcomeluv]

I would be fine with it, he already has sex with other girls anyways. 

[Welcomeluv]

Alright, you guys are right. I texted him and told him we can’t see each other anymore. I am not sure why I put up with this as long as I did.

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it.

Wish me luck in my new home!

Edited November 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request.

[carhill]

On 10/31/2020 at 4:12 PM, Welcomeluv said:

I would be fine with it, he already has sex with other girls anyways. 

Good luck in your new city and IME the hinge point is if his presence/contact intrude on your emotional and cognitive processes with other relationships, then that bears scrutiny. Such is one reason many people move on completely from any romantic entanglements when concluded due to the nature of romance and how it differs from platonic and familial relationships. No one knows your psyche better than you. If you can be friends with him and still have healthy lovers/partners/spouses, then there ya go.

Edited November 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Welcomeluv]

On 11/1/2020 at 11:35 AM, carhill said:

Good luck in your new city and IME the hinge point is if his presence/contact intrude on your emotional and cognitive processes with other relationships, then that bears scrutiny. Such is one reason many people move on completely from any romantic entanglements when concluded due to the nature of romance and how it differs from platonic and familial relationships. No one knows your psyche better than you. If you can be friends with him and still have healthy lovers/partners/spouses, then there ya go.

Yeah, at this point it’s best just to move on. I told him we can’t see each other anymore, the reason being there are too many unresolved conflicts, etc. He then turns everything around on me and told me I’m just “in one of my moods” and that he’s so “upset” blah blah. It’s not worth it anymore. Time to move on.

I agree with your points; he likes that I like him. This sentence alone opened my eyes to the truth. 

Edited November 30, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

10 minutes ago, Welcomeluv said:

I agree with your points; he likes that I like him. This sentence alone opened my eyes to the truth. 

Such was a hard-won lesson and I was pretty clueless for decades, took being married to someone who let me love her to really sink it in. Hopefully it'll make sense to you at a much earlier age to ease personal strife from relationship uncertainties. One thing to watch for in yourself is if you're that sympathetic, live outside yourself sort of personality, one easily trapped by a love vacuum personality. It's good, healthy, to have a balance of selflessness and selfishness; in the end, no other human will care as much about you as you do. If you show yourself little care, then others will care less than that, on and on. Once the balance is settled, it's easy to move from human to human with little stress or rancor until one who meets and embraces the balance with a balance of their own arrives. I remember when our MC, near the end of the process after a year or so, actually offered an opinion, surprised me, wondering out loud how we ever got married. Shocker. Smart guy though, he knew his stuff. Learned a lot from him even though it took some harsh introspection. My bet is things will be fine for you. A little bump in the road. Onward.