Not sure if I should shoot my shot, seems like a no-brainer but there are cultural implications

[ConfusedUFO]

I’m (42/m) recently divorced after 15 years of marriage. About two years ago I started a new job and met my coworker (29/F), we’ll call her Stacy (not her real name). I’m shy at first, but I felt almost an immediate connection but it took me a few months to come out of my shell, so to speak. We’re both nurses and ended up spending most of our down time chatting with each other. We both have a love of memes and would show each other funny memes on our phones at work. A few months ago, I DM’d her and sent her some memes and things took off from there. We now chat almost every day, if it’s not a long conversation then it’s just to send each other a meme or two. Even when we’re on vacation or out of town, we still take a minute or two to say “hi, how’s it going?”

Since DM’ing her, we’ve become really close. We call each other our work-spouse. People at work call us work-spouses. If one of us isn’t at work, we’re asked where the other one is. We’ve hung out a few times outside of work, but never just her and I.  Sometimes she seems into me, other times she doesn’t.  These are examples of what leads me to believe she is into me:

1.     A couple of months ago, a co-worker had a party at their house, but she wasn’t sure if she was going. She messaged me, teasing that I needed to convince her to go – it didn’t take much convincing. She had a family dinner planned for the same evening but since I was going to said coworker’s house early, she said she’d meet me there.

2.     She asks me for massages. This isn’t a big deal because she gets them from other coworkers as well. The difference is that she will return the favor with me. The other day I worked a double shift (16 hours) and she saw I was struggling and came up to me and started massaging me.

3.     We were messaging one night and started talking about how she never went to her prom. When I said I hadn’t been to mine she said that we should have a pretend prom to make up for it.

4.     We’ll be chatting and she’ll joke about something and I’ll say “when was this decided?” And she’ll respond with “when we married each other” (see above regarding being work spouses).

5.     She’ll send me memes about things friends do, or whatever and say “that’s us.” Or I she sends me something that pertains to me and I say “oh yeah, totally me,” she’ll say “see, I knew it.” She’ll also send memes about people having special connections and say “see that’s us.

6.     She’s picked up a couple of shifts when I work and she doesn’t because she wanted to see me. She also asks me to walk her to her car (she’s off a few hours earlier than I am and we work nights). She’ll ask me at the beginning of the shift if I’m going to walk her to her car and then asks again during the shift, sort of to reassure her.

Now, having read all this you’re probably thinking “YES, you fool, she does like you.” But the kicker, and why I’m apprehensive to ask her our is that she’s Indian. All the Indians I know will only date/get into relationships with/marry other Indians. I’m scared that if I shoot my shot I’ll lose probably the closest friend I’ve ever had. She’s dated non-Indians in the past but her parents are putting pressure on her to get married and I’m just not sure I should say anything to her because of this cultural reason.

I know a lot of people say this, but I truly do feel a different connection with her than I’ve ever felt for anyone else. I wouldn’t say I’m in love with her, but I definitely have very strong and intense feelings for her. I just don’t know if it’s worth risking our friendship over something that might not go anywhere if she needs to marry someone from her culture.

Please don't bring up anything about getting into relationships with coworkers. My employer doesn't care. There are many couples in my department, a few of whom met at work and are now married. This isn't the advice I'm looking for, thanks.

[ccas93]

I am white but I've been seeing an Indian girl recently though. I don't know, in your situation this all sounds extremely friend-ish to me. You should shoot your shot if you're willing to possibly risk the friendship. 

[Mystery4u]

Honestly.. I'm not thinking yes you fool she likes you.. I'm thinking the opposite.. you are deep deep in the friendzone and she does not like you romantically, from what you have posted.

Either way it really doesn't matte, what matters is if you like her, ask her out on a date. A proper date, not a 'friendly' get together. Stop wasting your time and energy with all this friend stuff you do together.

If she only marries from her culture then again only one way to find out if she's interested or not - ask her out.

If she says no, no big loss, she's just one woman from billions, you will meet others you 'connect' with.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like a crush. She appears to treat you as a male-girlfriend.

You already know this has too much working against it as far as dating goes.

As long as you can stay work buddies and it's fun for both of you, it's great.

Keep in mind, if you ask her out, not only will she decline the offer, it will make the friendship awkward and she'll distance herself.

Everyone with an unrequited crush fantasizes about the moment they spill out thier feelings and things are happily ever after.

In this case, you may lose a friend.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Fletch Lives]

hmmmmmmm yeah it sounds like she's having an emotional affair with you, but something is holding  her back from going beyond flirting, holding her back from making it real (probably the indian culture). If she was serious about you, as soon as you were divorced.........as comfortable as she is with you, she would have asked you out I think, if that were the case. I would certainly wait for her to do that - you don't need to do that.

We date to get a person around us so they might fall in love. You already know her, you are already there, you know the score.

[d0nnivain]

I can't tell if she likes you or not but I'm leaning toward you being the work husband / male BFF and utterly not romantic.  

That said, I don't have the benefit of seeing you interact in person.  

In your shoes I would gently start 2 conversations about how she feels about dating co-workers & how she feels about interracial relationships.   As she shares that info with you, she will telegraph to you whether she wants you to ask her out.  Assuming you get good vibes, as her to dinner.  Just a simple dinner.   If you get a negative vibe, don't do or say anything. Then make some decisions about whether you need distance in here since your romantic interest isn't returned.  

[dangerous]

I read this differently. I think she fancies you, and she is waiting for you to make a move. You mentioned her being indian, which might also suggest why she is holding back: i.e. you need to be the traditional man and make the move.

I am white and have been out with Indian ladies, so it can happen. I suggest you ask her out. if she says yes, that's what you want, if she says no then at least you know.

 

[Erik30]

12 hours ago, ConfusedUFO said:

Now, having read all this you’re probably thinking “YES, you fool, she does like you.”

Sorry, that's not what I'm thinking at all. Sounds more like you're one of her close "girlfriends"...

[elaine567]

You need to think carefully before you potentially ruin this good working arrangement.
You are recently divorced, are you ready to date? Do you want anything serious? A girl at 29 is looking to marry and have kids soon, are you ready to do that?
If not then do not waste her time in a "filler" type relationship that you know is going nowhere.
Do you know her views on age gap relationships? You may in her opinion be far too old...
or she may indeed  be looking for an Indian man.
You need to spend some time sussing out the lie of the land, before you make a move.
Once you make a move and it is rejected then your work relationship will then be very "awkward".
Work husbands/wives are very common, but many would be appalled to think there was romantic or sexual involvement.

[Miss Spider]

Yes, I agree with the others you sound blls deep in the friend zone, but I would shoot your shot anyway. She’s Indian, so what 

Edited October 31, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not true that Indians date only Indians. Yes, some Indian parents (like parents of all kinds of groups) prefer their kids to marry "inside" the group. But when do kids totally follow what their parents say about dating?

If you otherwise like her and you're worried about her not feeling comfortable dating you, then when she talks about marriage and all that. Say ... something like, "you would marry an X person?" I'm guessing you're white, though you don't say that. Just put that little question in there. 

Forget the losing a friend thing. She's not a friend now given that you are fantasizing about her and are interested in her. 

[Ami1uwant]

I see no issue in it.  Race has no factor in my dating choices.

an factor in my decisions is on religion and how well you match in that if you were going to have kids.

i don’t know where you live, if she is foreign born or first generation she could have some family pressure.

 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Women like attention. I don't get the feeling she's interested in a relationship with you. Enjoy it for what it is (having a good work pal) and don't ruin it by trying to make it into something it's not. 

[smackie9]

You need to talk to her about it, not us. She will define what she is looking for and what boundaries there will be.

[ConfusedUFO]

Ok, so my post didn't garner too much attention but thank you for all of those who did take time to read and respond.

 

A few days after I made the post I decided that I was going to ask her on a date and see how things go. The next time we worked when I walked her to her car I asked her if she wanted to grab dinner the next night. She said she'd love to and asked if this was a date or a friends thing. When I said it was a proper date, she said "good." Then she teased me about taking so long to finally ask her out and she was wondering if I wasn't picking up on her signals or just wasn't interested in her.  

 

We asked our manager if there was anything we needed to do and all they said was to "keep it professional" at work. Nothing to fill out, don't need to inform HR or anything like that. We haven't changed how we treat each other at work and only a few of our closest work friends know we are dating.

 

So that's it, nothing too exciting. We've been on a few days, talk all the time, and are getting to know each other outside of work.

[Miss Spider]

Aw, that is a sweet story. Cultural differences caused hesitancy, but glad you broke through it.  I hope it works out for you guys