Absolutely wrecked and heartbroken. Don't know what to do

[poppyfields]

Hey shattered, just caught up with this thread, wow.  Heart-wrenching reading this, I am sorry for your pain man, truly.

The advice thus far has been 100% spot on but it appears it’s gone in one ear and out the other for the most part.  Which I actually get, people tend to come here to vent under the guise of seeking advice which they rarely follow.    Not a judgment, just an observation. 

So I will refrain from repeating the obvious - that you need to say goodbye to this toxic girl, block and delete.  Enough has been posted about that already.   I trust you will do so when you are ready and nothing any of us say will change that.  I accept that.

That said, this is maybe the 4th or 5th thread I’ve read recently created by men in toxic relationships like yours, whether it’s with a current girlfriend or an ex, who simply cannot let go, no matter how deplorably and egregiously they’re treated.  And I have been wondering why that is.

I may start a separate thread about it but in the meantime, I am curious what your upbringing was like, do you or did you have male role model, a father, uncle or another type of father-figure in your life?  A male figure you admired and looked up to and wished to emulate?

I have five brothers.  My dad passed away six years ago but when he was alive, he was (and raised my brothers to be) strong, confident, to stand up for themselves, and never tolerate the type of BS this woman is throwing at you.  Which frankly is about as egregious and deplorable as it comes.  

Again, not a judgment, I am just so curious why this is happening so often in today’s dating environment.   I am thinking it might be the lack of a proper male role model or father figure, but that’s only a guess.

Re her latest manipulation, regardless of whether it was truthful (which I personally doubt), I think it’s fine you gave her a referral, I won't judge you for it, what's done is done.

Just DON’T allow yourself to get lured back into her toxic drama.   Be strong, take a stand.   Love YOURSELF, take care of YOU.

I wish you well shattered, and hope you feel better soon.  Take care.

 

Edited December 10, 2020 by poppyfields

[balletomane]

36 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I didn’t. Should I do it now? I gave her the referral which is honestly more than she deserved and I really don’t want to speak to her anymore since there is no way I could ever look past the horrific things she has said and done to me. 

Your actions don't match your words here. If you really didn't want to speak to her, you would have blocked that number right away. Instead you've left a line if communication open and you're asking strangers online what you should do about it. I'm a UK-trained doctor, and while I know the healthcare system is different in the US, I very much struggle to believe that the only way she could get a psychiatry referral is to contact her ex - especially after a suicide attempt, which would surely have led to an automatic referral. You know this too. You got involved because a part of you still wants that contact.

You need to block her, be honest with yourself that part of you is still caught up with her, and then seek out therapy yourself. You've been coping with a lot, and you need to make your own stability your first priority here.

[basil67]

54 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I didn’t. Should I do it now? I gave her the referral which is honestly more than she deserved and I really don’t want to speak to her anymore since there is no way I could ever look past the horrific things she has said and done to me. 

Of course you should.   And next time she makes a fake email to contact you, delete the email without response.   With the exception of if she's threatening suicide - in that case, call the police, tell them what she wrote and leave it with them.  Then block again.

[Miss Spider]

Block her immediately. 

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, shattered91 said:

I didn’t. Should I do it now? I gave her the referral which is honestly more than she deserved and I really don’t want to speak to her anymore since there is no way I could ever look past the horrific things she has said and done to me. 

I've read through your thread and all the posters' great advice and suggestions.

It's clear that you aren't ready to give her up. So, nothing anyone suggests to you as a solution will help you.

If you want to keep her in your life, you need to figure out for yourself, why "her," over the millions of options of attractive, mentally healthy women that there are.

Since you didn't block her then and responded, I don't see any point in you blocking her again. She'll just use another burner phone # to reach out to you, and you'll answer her call. That's what you want to do so you'll do it.

Relapse (you communicating with her again) is not necessarily a sign of your failure to recover from your addiction to this toxic woman. However, it is a huge red flag, the way that you intentionally self-sabotage your own efforts to cut off your contact with her once and for all.

When you refuse to open up to a therapist or treatment center for your addiction to her (could be sex addiction, I don't know), it's because you don't want to address the underlying rage and sadness that you possibly feel.

Confronting our shadow side can be frightening because of the way Western society has conditioned us to reject our negative emotions. But that is the wrong approach. It leaves the person feeling split between good feelings and bad feelings.

Healing only takes place when you can process and absorb your own pain and rage in a therapeutic, philosophical way that allows you to heal as a whole person, and not just "accept" that you have rage and sadness. You need to accept that emotions are healthy and necessary and when repressed can create states of "unhealthiness" like illness in the mind and body.

You are not ready to heal so you can't take advantage of all the resources to heal that are available to you. And it doesn't even have to be the traditional psychiatrist route or counseling therapy route. It could be alternative healing modalities that work better for you. You need to be open to other pathways to healing that exist. Only then, will you realize that you're finally ready.

I'm also sorry to also read that you have leukemia. I'm glad that your bone marrow transplant was a success and put you into remission.

Edited December 10, 2020 by Watercolors

[shattered91]

50 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey shattered, just caught up with this thread, wow.  Heart-wrenching reading this, I am sorry for your pain man, truly.

The advice thus far has been 100% spot on but it appears it’s gone in one ear and out the other for the most part.  Which I actually get, people tend to come here to vent under the guise of seeking advice which they rarely follow.    Not a judgment, just an observation. 

So I will refrain from repeating the obvious - that you need to say goodbye to this toxic girl, block and delete.  Enough has been posted about that already.   I trust you will do so when you are ready and nothing any of us say will change that.  I accept that.

That said, this is maybe the 4th or 5th thread I’ve read recently created by men in toxic relationships like yours, whether it’s with a current girlfriend or an ex, who simply cannot let go, no matter how deplorably and egregiously they’re treated.  And I have been wondering why that is.

I may start a separate thread about it but in the meantime, I am curious what your upbringing was like, do you or did you have male role model, a father, uncle or another type of father-figure in your life?  A male figure you admired and looked up to and wished to emulate?

I have five brothers.  My dad passed away six years ago but when he was alive, he was (and raised my brothers to be) strong, confident, to stand up for themselves, and never tolerate the type of BS this woman is throwing at you.  Which frankly is about as egregious and deplorable as it comes.  

Again, not a judgment, I am just so curious why this is happening so often in today’s dating environment.   I am thinking it might be the lack of a proper male role model or father figure, but that’s only a guess.

Re her latest manipulation, regardless of whether it was truthful (which I personally doubt), I think it’s fine you gave her a referral, I won't judge you for it, what's done is done.

Just DON’T allow yourself to get lured back into her toxic drama.   Be strong, take a stand.   Love YOURSELF, take care of YOU.

I wish you well shattered, and hope you feel better soon.  Take care.

 

I grew up in a very supportive family. I would consider my parents to be the best anyone could ask for. While there was never much direct or outward displays of affection I really don't think there is anything in my upbringing that was missing in any way. My siblings and I have had our fights/differences but nothing over the top or anywhere near as histrionic as this. My father would probably be my biggest male role model. Very supportive of me and my interest in becoming a doctor (both my parents are also doctors) and I really have always wanted to follow in their footsteps. Though I will say I've seen women in my extended family treat their husbands like garbage and wondered if that is the way a relationship is supposed to be. 

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I grew up in a very supportive family. I would consider my parents to be the best anyone could ask for. While there was never much direct or outward displays of affection I really don't think there is anything in my upbringing that was missing in any way. My siblings and I have had our fights/differences but nothing over the top or anywhere near as histrionic as this. My father would probably be my biggest male role model. Very supportive of me and my interest in becoming a doctor (both my parents are also doctors) and I really have always wanted to follow in their footsteps. Though I will say I've seen women in my extended family treat their husbands like garbage and wondered if that is the way a relationship is supposed to be. 

Thank you for responding.  So you're a doctor?  Assuming you are not a psychiatrist, as their trusted doctor who cares, if a patient shared this same story with you, what would you advise them?  

[shattered91]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Thank you for responding.  So you're a doctor?  Assuming you are not a psychiatrist, as their trusted doctor who cares, if a patient shared this same story with you, what would you advise them?  

If a patient shared this story with me, I would firmly tell them to go to an ER if they are actively contemplating suicide, or to go set up an appointment with a psychiatrist in a outpatient setting after getting a referral from their PCP. 

 

As for what you said before, I am extremely appreciative of the advice people on this site have given me and have incorporated it completely into my life. I just slipped up this time seeing the words "I tried to kill myself." It stems from having a very altruistic personality but I still have no interest in having any further interaction with her, 

[Miss Spider]

You’re not responsible for her emotions. I had a similar thing occur. It was difficult, but other than contacting the authorities if you think it is an acute threat, there’s nothing you can do. You can’t live your life for someone else. If you actually would just block her for good you wouldn’t keep encountering these problems 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, shattered91 said:

. I really don't want her to try to kill herself again. 

This is not in your control. Never was, never will be.

You are also not in control of her mental health.

When you realize that her manipulation and blackmailing is part of her overall poor mental health, not an Independent factor you control. You will stop playing savior.

It would help you to understand why you allow yourself to get wrapped up in situations you have no control over.

 

 

[shattered91]

16 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I've read through your thread and all the posters' great advice and suggestions.

It's clear that you aren't ready to give her up. So, nothing anyone suggests to you as a solution will help you.

If you want to keep her in your life, you need to figure out for yourself, why "her," over the millions of options of attractive, mentally healthy women that there are.

Since you didn't block her then and responded, I don't see any point in you blocking her again. She'll just use another burner phone # to reach out to you, and you'll answer her call. That's what you want to do so you'll do it.

Relapse (you communicating with her again) is not necessarily a sign of your failure to recover from your addiction to this toxic woman. However, it is a huge red flag, the way that you intentionally self-sabotage your own efforts to cut off your contact with her once and for all.

When you refuse to open up to a therapist or treatment center for your addiction to her (could be sex addiction, I don't know), it's because you don't want to address the underlying rage and sadness that you possibly feel.

Confronting our shadow side can be frightening because of the way Western society has conditioned us to reject our negative emotions. But that is the wrong approach. It leaves the person feeling split between good feelings and bad feelings.

Healing only takes place when you can process and absorb your own pain and rage in a therapeutic, philosophical way that allows you to heal as a whole person, and not just "accept" that you have rage and sadness. You need to accept that emotions are healthy and necessary and when repressed can create states of "unhealthiness" like illness in the mind and body.

You are not ready to heal so you can't take advantage of all the resources to heal that are available to you. And it doesn't even have to be the traditional psychiatrist route or counseling therapy route. It could be alternative healing modalities that work better for you. You need to be open to other pathways to healing that exist. Only then, will you realize that you're finally ready.

I'm also sorry to also read that you have leukemia. I'm glad that your bone marrow transplant was a success and put you into remission.

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I feel more distanced from her now but admittedly still wish there was some redemption for her, at least on a subconscious level. I definitely wasn't addicted to sex with her as that was always awkward and completely unenjoyable, but I do miss the emotional intimacy I shared with her during the very brief period I was on good terms with her. I've taken the advice others have given and blocked this new number. I hope it is the right decision and it is the last I hear from her. 

[Calmandfocused]

Another point to make is that this behaviour is not about you. It’s not because she loves you, cares about you/ misses you/ realises she’s made a mistake etc. It’s about her and getting her needs met - Predominantly  your attention and getting affirmation that you still care.  
 

Unfortunately your responsiveness to her will result in either of 2 outcomes: 1) she will continue contacting you until she is satisfied that she has picked you up, chewed you up and spat you out (again), rendering you heartbroken (again), 2) She will disappear again, satisfied that she can still manipulate you (with a jolly good ego boost thrown in), rendering you heartbroken (again). She will then contact you again in the future when she wants another dose of your attention and devotion. 
 

Neither are good outcomes for you are they? 
 

Look, these toxic types will do whatever to provoke a reaction. Anything at all. I had a Narcy ex contact me last Christmas (via a new email address) to tell me his dad had died. It was such a heartfelt message but turns out  it was all a lie. Dad hadn’t died, ex just wanted a reaction from me. Makes you sick doesn’t it? 
 

Do yourself a favour and promise yourself that you’ll stop engaging in these games she’s playing with you. 

 

 

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

Another point to make is that this behaviour is not about you. It’s not because she loves you, cares about you/ misses you/ realises she’s made a mistake etc. It’s about her and getting her needs met - Predominantly  your attention and getting affirmation that you still care.  
 

Unfortunately your responsiveness to her will result in either of 2 outcomes: 1) she will continue contacting you until she is satisfied that she has picked you up, chewed you up and spat you out (again), rendering you heartbroken (again), 2) She will disappear again, satisfied that she can still manipulate you (with a jolly good ego boost thrown in), rendering you heartbroken (again). She will then contact you again in the future when she wants another dose of your attention and devotion. 
 

Neither are good outcomes for you are they? 
 

Look, these toxic types will do whatever to provoke a reaction. Anything at all. I had a Narcy ex contact me last Christmas (via a new email address) to tell me his dad had died. It was such a heartfelt message but turns out  it was all a lie. Dad hadn’t died, ex just wanted a reaction from me. Makes you sick doesn’t it? 
 

Do yourself a favour and promise yourself that you’ll stop engaging in these games she’s playing with you. 

 

 

I am really sorry that happened to you. Hearing that honestly makes me angry especially because that is likely the kind of person this woman is. You are absolutely correct in your assessment of her. As badly as I wish I could believe she cares about me, I am self aware enough to understand what is likely going on. I won't respond to her again. 

[Miss Spider]

Did you block her. I think if she knew she was blocked, she would stop these theatrics and actually get a move on with her life  I don’t know if you were getting some kind of enjoyment from the attention or are you keeping a door open in some way, but I call bull on the altruism. It’s not rly nice at all 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Did you block her. I think if she knew she was blocked, she would stop these theatrics and actually get a move on with her life  I don’t know if you were getting some kind of enjoyment from the attention or are you keeping a door open in some way, but I call bull on the altruism. It’s not rly nice at all 

Are you kidding me? Have you read any of the other posts I've made from October about this person and what she has done to me? Yes I blocked her. I blocked her on FB, text, IG, WhatsApp and everything 6 weeks ago and she used a friends phone or something to reach out to me. I saw the message about her contemplating/attempting suicide because I still do care for her on some level and responded to her being genuinely concerned. I have since blocked that number too. I am insulted that you would think there is something about anything I've done that is "not nice" to her (although frankly she would deserve that after all she has done to me). The only thing further I can do to not keep the door open is get a restraining order or throw away my cell phone. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by shattered91

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, shattered91 said:

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I feel more distanced from her now but admittedly still wish there was some redemption for her, at least on a subconscious level. I definitely wasn't addicted to sex with her as that was always awkward and completely unenjoyable, but I do miss the emotional intimacy I shared with her during the very brief period I was on good terms with her. I've taken the advice others have given and blocked this new number. I hope it is the right decision and it is the last I hear from her. 

Hi shattered91. Re: the bolded text: wishing she was redemptive, and missing her "mirrored" emotional intimacy (she sounds very narcissistic - narcissists mirror other people's emotional states back to them to fool the person into thinking they are just like that person), is actually considered a sign of codependent thinking because it reflects your *poor boundaries, *a need for control, *fear of abandonment, *obsessive personality, *trouble communicating, and *problems with intimacy.

You have idealized her and you miss that idealized version of her. She perpetuates your idealized version of her, by pretending and lying to you because she knows its your trigger and she knows how to undermine you, and gaslight you in coercive ways that leave you feeling confused and depressed.  

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Another point to make is that this behaviour is not about you. It’s not because she loves you, cares about you/ misses you/ realises she’s made a mistake etc. It’s about her and getting her needs met - Predominantly  your attention and getting affirmation that you still care.  
 

Unfortunately your responsiveness to her will result in either of 2 outcomes: 1) she will continue contacting you until she is satisfied that she has picked you up, chewed you up and spat you out (again), rendering you heartbroken (again), 2) She will disappear again, satisfied that she can still manipulate you (with a jolly good ego boost thrown in), rendering you heartbroken (again). She will then contact you again in the future when she wants another dose of your attention and devotion. 
 

Neither are good outcomes for you are they? 
 

Look, these toxic types will do whatever to provoke a reaction. Anything at all. I had a Narcy ex contact me last Christmas (via a new email address) to tell me his dad had died. It was such a heartfelt message but turns out  it was all a lie. Dad hadn’t died, ex just wanted a reaction from me. Makes you sick doesn’t it? 
 

Do yourself a favour and promise yourself that you’ll stop engaging in these games she’s playing with you. 

 

 

I agree with Calmandfocused's two outcomes. Neither are good outcomes for you, and they are in the realm of possibilities as long as you continue to make excuses to stay in contact with this very manipulative, very toxic woman. 

3 hours ago, shattered91 said:

I am really sorry that happened to you. Hearing that honestly makes me angry especially because that is likely the kind of person this woman is. You are absolutely correct in your assessment of her. As badly as I wish I could believe she cares about me, I am self aware enough to understand what is likely going on. I won't respond to her again. 

Some of the doctors I am friends with, have a hard time seeking help for themselves whether its an injury or an illness. I think that's par for the course when you become a medical professional. You know how to treat conditions and illnesses and injuries, so when those happen to you, it's easy to justify, "I can handle this myself. I have the education to do that." 

How do you handle those instances when you need help? Do you recoil and try to handle it yourself? Or, are you comfortable being vulnerable and reaching out to ask others for help? 

Why have you hid your communication with this woman from your social circle? Fear of judgment and criticism? An unwillingness to confront your own vulnerabilities emotionally? 

You are an intelligent person. If you are aware that this woman has been manipulating you for as long as she has without any recourse from you (since you backtrack each time you set a consequence with her and erase that consequence as soon as she contacts you each time), why do you continue to respond to her? 

1 hour ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Did you block her. I think if she knew she was blocked, she would stop these theatrics and actually get a move on with her life  I don’t know if you were getting some kind of enjoyment from the attention or are you keeping a door open in some way, but I call bull on the altruism. It’s not rly nice at all 

I don't think blocking her is the answer. I think it's a matter of you choosing not to respond to her anymore that is the internal battle you need to address and resolve. I think you need to explore codepedency as a possible consequence of a part of your familial upbringing. Codependency, as you are aware as a doctor, is a learned response to passive-aggressive parental communication. The codependent child grows up, putting everyone's needs before their own, thinking it's both for self-preservation, to save face (and appear "together") with the public, and to attach to others through an emotional anxious avoidant way. 

I can't call "bull" on your altruism with her. What I can observe and offer up, is that I think your "altruism" is actually your codependent response to her. She triggers your codependency and you respond to her in an emotionally anxious avoidant way due to your fear of abandonment. Even though you know that she is toxic to your mental health and well being, you may equate ending relationships as a personal failure. And, if you have perfectionistic tendencies, then failure is just not an option. 

I'm not a fan of traditional mental health so again, I would encourage you to seek out alternative health modalities to help yourself figure out why you sustain this toxic relationship with this woman who is clearly not contributing anything healthy to your life. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Watercolors

[Miss Spider]

No, I apologize that I did not read the entire thread. I am glad that you blocked her on all fronts. And a message like “ I am sorry you are going through a hard time, but I don’t think it’s healthy for us to continue communication anymore. I am going to have to block you. Goodbye.” that cannot do not stop her from reaching out other ways/burner emails, but any kindness will be seen as weakness from you and she’ll try to exploit it. I think you know what you need to do from here. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Miss Spider]

I’d be more likely to agree @watercolors if I thought that 0P had anywhere near the willpower /self control to not give in and respond out of feeling sympathy or hopes in “redeeming” this ...not to mention every time your phone dings and it’s someone you don’t like that much it’s annoying 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[Watercolors]

8 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

I’d be more likely to agree @watercolors if I thought that 0P had anywhere near the willpower /self control to not give in and respond out of feeling sympathy or hopes in “redeeming” this ...not to mention it’s annoying to have to deal with that stuff 

When a narcissist attaches themselves to you, it's literally impossible sometimes to get rid of them. There's the "grey rock" method (not reacting) that is recommended by psychologists that is the only method that works. And because narcissists are emotional vampires, they leave you feeling anemic, on a psychological level and even physical level. They spin and distort your reality to the point where you feel like you are trapped in a thick-San-Francisco-esque fog, while everyone around you is walking around in sunny 72F weather. And, even when you successfully grey rock the narcissist, they will play hot and cold with you for a while, when their other "supply" of ego-attention from their other victims, runs low. 

So, I think the OP is caught in the snare of a very calculated narcissist whose entangled herself into his life in ways that disentangling will have consequences for the OP that last for some time after the separation. But OP the longer you let this woman infect you with her poison, she'll eventually decay you to the point where you become a hollowed out person and no longer operate in reality. Don't let it get to that point. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by Watercolors

[shattered91]

21 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

When a narcissist attaches themselves to you, it's literally impossible sometimes to get rid of them. There's the "grey rock" method (not reacting) that is recommended by psychologists that is the only method that works. And because narcissists are emotional vampires, they leave you feeling anemic, on a psychological level and even physical level. They spin and distort your reality to the point where you feel like you are trapped in a thick-San-Francisco-esque fog, while everyone around you is walking around in sunny 72F weather. And, even when you successfully grey rock the narcissist, they will play hot and cold with you for a while, when their other "supply" of ego-attention from their other victims, runs low. 

So, I think the OP is caught in the snare of a very calculated narcissist whose entangled herself into his life in ways that disentangling will have consequences for the OP that last for some time after the separation. But OP the longer you let this woman infect you with her poison, she'll eventually decay you to the point where you become a hollowed out person and no longer operate in reality. Don't let it get to that point. 

This and your last post a is super accurate, insightful, and all around impressive summary of what this is and has been for me. It took me a very long time to realize this for myself but thank you for putting into words what I have honestly struggled to find the words to express. 

Edited December 11, 2020 by shattered91

[Watercolors]

30 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

This and your last post a is super accurate, insightful, and all around impressive summary of what this is and has been for me. It took me a very long time to realize this for myself but thank you for putting into words what I have honestly struggled to find the words to express. 

I'm glad that what I wrote makes sense and resonates with you. After I posted both  of my posts, I was going to post an apology for my prosaic verbosity, as I come from a family of blatherers. 

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

When a narcissist attaches themselves to you, it's literally impossible sometimes to get rid of them. There's the "grey rock" method (not reacting) that is recommended by psychologists that is the only method that works. And because narcissists are emotional vampires, they leave you feeling anemic, on a psychological level and even physical level. They spin and distort your reality to the point where you feel like you are trapped in a thick-San-Francisco-esque fog, while everyone around you is walking around in sunny 72F weather. And, even when you successfully grey rock the narcissist, they will play hot and cold with you for a while, when their other "supply" of ego-attention from their other victims, runs low. 

So, I think the OP is caught in the snare of a very calculated narcissist whose entangled herself into his life in ways that disentangling will have consequences for the OP that last for some time after the separation. But OP the longer you let this woman infect you with her poison, she'll eventually decay you to the point where you become a hollowed out person and no longer operate in reality. Don't let it get to that point. 

Very interesting. I see. I don’t know much about narcissists and I probably should read the thread before I comment any further.
 

But I will add one final thought that sometimes just any old regular person that is not a narc will persist with melodrama, threats, waterworks, begging,  and other manipulation of emotions in order to get someone back into their life.  It sometimes works. Sometimes people don’t have the willpower to cut them off, especially with the doubt and confusion that can come with a break up. I assumed that op might have lacked the ability to ignore and move on, otherwise would not have been going on so long.

 

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Hi shattered91. Re: the bolded text: wishing she was redemptive, and missing her "mirrored" emotional intimacy (she sounds very narcissistic - narcissists mirror other people's emotional states back to them to fool the person into thinking they are just like that person), is actually considered a sign of codependent thinking because it reflects your *poor boundaries, *a need for control, *fear of abandonment, *obsessive personality, *trouble communicating, and *problems with intimacy.

You have idealized her and you miss that idealized version of her. She perpetuates your idealized version of her, by pretending and lying to you because she knows its your trigger and she knows how to undermine you, and gaslight you in coercive ways that leave you feeling confused and depressed.  

I agree with Calmandfocused's two outcomes. Neither are good outcomes for you, and they are in the realm of possibilities as long as you continue to make excuses to stay in contact with this very manipulative, very toxic woman. 

Some of the doctors I am friends with, have a hard time seeking help for themselves whether its an injury or an illness. I think that's par for the course when you become a medical professional. You know how to treat conditions and illnesses and injuries, so when those happen to you, it's easy to justify, "I can handle this myself. I have the education to do that." 

How do you handle those instances when you need help? Do you recoil and try to handle it yourself? Or, are you comfortable being vulnerable and reaching out to ask others for help? 

Why have you hid your communication with this woman from your social circle? Fear of judgment and criticism? An unwillingness to confront your own vulnerabilities emotionally? 

You are an intelligent person. If you are aware that this woman has been manipulating you for as long as she has without any recourse from you (since you backtrack each time you set a consequence with her and erase that consequence as soon as she contacts you each time), why do you continue to respond to her? 

I don't think blocking her is the answer. I think it's a matter of you choosing not to respond to her anymore that is the internal battle you need to address and resolve. I think you need to explore codepedency as a possible consequence of a part of your familial upbringing. Codependency, as you are aware as a doctor, is a learned response to passive-aggressive parental communication. The codependent child grows up, putting everyone's needs before their own, thinking it's both for self-preservation, to save face (and appear "together") with the public, and to attach to others through an emotional anxious avoidant way. 

I can't call "bull" on your altruism with her. What I can observe and offer up, is that I think your "altruism" is actually your codependent response to her. She triggers your codependency and you respond to her in an emotionally anxious avoidant way due to your fear of abandonment. Even though you know that she is toxic to your mental health and well being, you may equate ending relationships as a personal failure. And, if you have perfectionistic tendencies, then failure is just not an option. 

I'm not a fan of traditional mental health so again, I would encourage you to seek out alternative health modalities to help yourself figure out why you sustain this toxic relationship with this woman who is clearly not contributing anything healthy to your life. 

You put a lot of time into this response so I will respond more in depth to it too.

Your first point is definitely accurate. There is definitely some codependent thinking on my part here even if I would like to pretend there isn't. I mentioned before I have a very addictive personality and definitely like to be control of situations as not having it isn't a position I am used to being in. 

I definitely miss the idealized version of her on some level. To go back to the feelings I had of her before all this gaslighting, manipulation, and poor treatment started. 

The way I handle instances when I need help is very simple. I don't. I usually go to a casino or just keep my emotions bottled up and tell no one even the people closest to me when I am hurting with something. And yes, I have hid this woman from my social circle out of fear of what they would think of me for getting involved with someone so crazy. 

I took a look at my phone's setting and realized I've exchanged literally over 50,000 texts with her since meeting her. I became so accustomed to it over time they I forgot that I had a right to not respond or make consequences or other ramifications for how she was treating me all that time. 

Every word of your second to last paragraph is 100% spot on. 

I will look into such alternative health modalities as they aren't emphasized much in my circles. For what it is worth though, I think you would make a great therapist.

 

Edited December 12, 2020 by shattered91

[Wiseman2]

Sadly I heard of a guy who got wrapped up in someone with histrionic/borderline personality traits and he's the one who ended up committing suicide.

Whatever is drawing you into this dangerous rabbit hole of her drama, is something you need to address.

Edited December 13, 2020 by Wiseman2

[shattered91]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sadly I heard of a guy who got wrapped up in someone with histrionic/borderline personality traits and he's the one who ended up committing suicide.

Whatever is drawing you into this dangerous rabbit hole of her drama, is something you need to address.

I am not surprised to hear this, as this may very well have been my fate if I continued to let myself get sucked in by her. I've done a lot self-reflection on this and I think having a somewhat anxious attachment personality type that I wasn't even aware I had before meeting her could have something to do with this. Either that or she just knows how to bring that out in people.