basil67 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 16 minutes ago, shattered91 said: I mean if you asked her she would say she was the one who was “victimized” through all of this. I have not started therapy yet (working overnight for the next month) but when I do I will definitely bring up the gaslighting she has put me through in making me feel this way. So you both see yourself as victimised by the other? No wonder it's so messy. Thing is, we can complain all we like about how someone else has treated us, but focusing on their actions holds us back. The path forward is to look at ourselves, the choices we made, work out why we put up with it and learn from it all.
Author shattered91 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 10 minutes ago, basil67 said: So you both see yourself as victimised by the other? No wonder it's so messy. Thing is, we can complain all we like about how someone else has treated us, but focusing on their actions holds us back. The path forward is to look at ourselves, the choices we made, work out why we put up with it and learn from it all. Yeah she says I abused her because I was a little volatile in my texts when she would reach out to me during my cancer treatment. Admittedly I did say some mean things to her but only after she tried to bring it out of me by trying to make me jealous on several different occasions. And it’s not only after I stopped seeing her. Even when I was still in a relationship with her she felt “neglected” when I couldn’t make time to see her one week and she blatantly starts talking about another guy she was spending time alone with. At least then I could see through that ploy and it didn’t bother me as much. But she kept doing it and eventually it got under my skin given my compromised state during my treatment.
Wiseman2 Posted November 10, 2020 Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) Edited November 10, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
Author shattered91 Posted November 10, 2020 Author Posted November 10, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Thanks for posting this. This cheered me up and made me feel a little better. She would definitely be within the danger zone based on what this guy is describing. Edited November 10, 2020 by shattered91 1
Author shattered91 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 On 11/9/2020 at 7:50 AM, elaine567 said: Problem is once you have been the victim of abuse, you tend to run straight into the arms of another abuser. These people are always on the look out for a "victim" and you might as well have "victim" tattooed on your forehead, the abuse you have suffered makes you vulnerable. You will be so open to anyone who shows you anything that is better than your ex, that you are likely to ignore red flags in an attempt to make it work, this time... Get therapy both to heal your broken soul and to make sure you recognise a potential abuser early doors and to make sure your boundaries are secure. I know. The prospect of this having long term implications on my relationships in the future truly frightens me. It’s not like I had a ton of experience beforehand so this particularly devastates me for that reason. I certainly don’t want to fall for this cycle again, but at the same time I know I will have serious trust issues going forward
HadMeOverABarrel Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 10/30/2020 at 7:26 PM, shattered91 said: Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me? Why are you doing this to yourself? You will have your power back when you decide to. It sounds like this girl has zero redeemable qualities and truly gets an ego boost from watching you suffer her cruelty. She's just gross. Here is what you do: Block, delete, begin to see her as the truly loathsome excuse for a human being that she is, and begin to mend yourself. Then, reflect on your vulnerabilities to learn how she was able to manipulate you so you can shore those up to not repeat in future.
mark clemson Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 11/6/2020 at 5:58 AM, shattered91 said: I still could never end it on my own. Maybe it really does come from something in my past I can't identify or just a lack of relationship experience before her, but it definitely seems like something beyond my own ability to reconcile. Insecurity about being alone? Difficulty giving up what you've "won" in life (even though it's not actually good for you)? Insecure attachment style? If you're going to start therapy, bring this question up. If you have multiple options for therapists, try to look for a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in relationship issues.
Author shattered91 Posted November 11, 2020 Author Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, mark clemson said: Insecurity about being alone? Difficulty giving up what you've "won" in life (even though it's not actually good for you)? Insecure attachment style? If you're going to start therapy, bring this question up. If you have multiple options for therapists, try to look for a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in relationship issues. It’s probably a combination of things you’ve mentioned (insecure attachment), along with my ego being absolutely destroyed by continuously allowing her to take advantage of me while we were dating, and then her treatment towards me there after. I spent weeks in the hospital after getting a bone marrow transplant this summer, all while allowing her to brag about her new guy. And it’s not like she was oblivious to what she was doing. She knew fully well what she was doing and how much pain it was causing me and I think she truly enjoyed it. I really think she got an orgasm out of getting unconditional validation from a sick person frightened by the prospect of dying in a state of unreciprocated love for her. I think a part of why I’m struggling to move forward is just a state of shock at how she managed to say and do such hateful, spiteful things to someone undergoing treatment for cancer who has made countless sacrifices for her in the past. Any time she had a crisis (and mind you it was usually something stupid since even the most trivial things would stress her out) I would drop everything I was doing and run to see her and show her compassion. I also payed for all of our dates and would arrange anything we would do completely on her schedule (which for the past year since she finished college had basically been nothing). To be repayed this way is utterly nauseating. I should really be thankful her treatment towards me didn’t kill me over the summer since having covid in an immunocompromised state after my transplant nearly did that. Edited November 11, 2020 by shattered91
HadMeOverABarrel Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 On 11/4/2020 at 4:53 AM, shattered91 said: Maybe permanently depriving her of this is the best path forward BINGO! 1
mark clemson Posted November 11, 2020 Posted November 11, 2020 12 hours ago, shattered91 said: her treatment towards me CLEARLY something is off with this person. Way off. Now that you can step back and see this, it's time to walk away permanently.
Author shattered91 Posted November 12, 2020 Author Posted November 12, 2020 12 hours ago, mark clemson said: CLEARLY something is off with this person. Way off. Now that you can step back and see this, it's time to walk away permanently. This has been apparent to me from day 1. She had so many red flags I knew would make being in a relationship not only difficult, but impossible. Hopefully speaking to a therapist allows me to understand why I couldn’t walk away from her a long time ago. 1
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 Are you in remission? Did you have Hodgkin's or leukemia? Do you have to take high dose corticosteroids?
Author shattered91 Posted November 12, 2020 Author Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you in remission? Did you have Hodgkin's or leukemia? Do you have to take high dose corticosteroids? Leukemia. Got a BM transplant that put it into remission (tentatively cured). It’s been a few months so staying hopeful that my mitotic counts stay undetectable and it doesn’t return. And yes I am on steroids and immunosuppressives but am beginning to taper them off. I’ve felt a lot better since being able to do so. Edited November 12, 2020 by shattered91
Wiseman2 Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 30 minutes ago, shattered91 said: yes I am on steroids and immunosuppressives but am beginning to taper them off. I’ve felt a lot better since being able to do so. Well that can wreak havoc with your emotions. Take care, feel better soon and keep in mind what high dose corticosteroids can do to your mental status.
dangerous Posted November 12, 2020 Posted November 12, 2020 And PLEASE, for your own sake, block and purge this ex from your life!
Author shattered91 Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) Thought I would give an update. After blocking her on all means she has to talk to me-she reached out to me a few days ago on a different phone number saying that she has moved back home and attempted to end her life recently. She asked for my help in obtaining a psychiatrist referral and access to drugs that can target her anxiety and depression. Under these circumstances I gave her a couple of referrals. I continue to believe she is a terrible person, but I don't want her to die or for her to do anything to harm herself. Did I do the right thing here or should I just have ignored her the way she has to me in the past when I've needed help. Also, is there any chance she is being insincere and that this is just another game to get my attention? Edited December 10, 2020 by shattered91
Calmandfocused Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 You have just been “Hoovered” my friend. Oh dear! I would advise that you read up on this ASAP and do whatever is necessary to prevent a further hoover. It’s not your job to save her. It’s your job to save yourself ... from her!
kendahke Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 24 minutes ago, shattered91 said: Thought I would give an update. After blocking her on all means she has to talk to me-she reached out to me a few days ago on a different phone number saying that she has moved back home and attempted to end her life recently. She asked for my help in obtaining a psychiatrist referral and access to drugs that can target her anxiety and depression. Under these circumstances I gave her a couple of referrals. I continue to believe she is a terrible person, but I don't want her to die or for her to do anything to harm herself. Did I do the right thing here or should I just have ignored her the way she has to me in the past when I've needed help. Also, is there any chance she is being insincere and that this is just another game to get my attention? smdh Did you block that number when you got finished being suckered back into her mess? She's grown--she can call her insurance provider to find out what doctors in her area can prescribe her drugs, if she was even telling the truth about that and not lying to get you to put the hook back in your mouth.
trident_2020 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 "I'm sorry I can't help you. Call your doctor". That's all you gotta say.
Wiseman2 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 1 hour ago, shattered91 said: She asked for my help in obtaining a psychiatrist referral and access to drugs that can target her anxiety and depression. Sorry. Pure drama and emotional blackmail. There are plenty of mental health crisis hotlines to call. You need to delete and block her and her people. Also there are plenty of ERs to go to and plenty of doctors in her healthcare plan she can choose from. 1
basil67 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 The correct response would have been to ignore her and block the new contact method. You're not her doctor, you're her ex. And is it even ethical to write a referral for someone who's not a patient? 2
Author shattered91 Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry. Pure drama and emotional blackmail. There are plenty of mental health crisis hotlines to call. You need to delete and block her and her people. Also there are plenty of ERs to go to and plenty of doctors in her healthcare plan she can choose from. I answered her in a very distant way. Nothing like the compassionate, sympathetic demeanor I would usually extend to her. I know there is a big chance that she is playing me once again and this is her looking for validation because she no doubt royally screwed up and drove away whoever she ran away across the country to be with. On the other hand though, I struggle to totally shut her off even after all the damage she has inflicted on me. I really don't want her to try to kill herself again. Edited December 10, 2020 by shattered91
Author shattered91 Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: The correct response would have been to ignore her and block the new contact method. You're not her doctor, you're her ex. And is it even ethical to write a referral for someone who's not a patient? I thought about that. It would be major one and outright illegal for me to treat her any way. It's not any sort of an issue to simply refer someone for help regardless of your past relationship with them. 1
basil67 Posted December 10, 2020 Posted December 10, 2020 Anyway, what's done is done. Have you blocked her again?
Author shattered91 Posted December 10, 2020 Author Posted December 10, 2020 6 minutes ago, basil67 said: Anyway, what's done is done. Have you blocked her again? I didn’t. Should I do it now? I gave her the referral which is honestly more than she deserved and I really don’t want to speak to her anymore since there is no way I could ever look past the horrific things she has said and done to me.
Recommended Posts