Absolutely wrecked and heartbroken. Don't know what to do

[kendahke]

On 11/2/2020 at 1:04 AM, shattered91 said:

How do I prepare myself for that and deliver the same treatment to her?

You don't. Change your number.

She would probably laugh you off if you tried because it would come across to her as weak sauce since she will already know why you're doing it. It'll be a good laugh to her. Ignore her and never give her another audience ever in life.

Beware the hole you dig for someone else let you fall into it yourself.  Her karma will catch up with her without you even being involved.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/2/2020 at 12:39 AM, shattered91 said:

Fine-well maybe the question I should be asking is, what can I do at this point to make her feel the way she has made me feel for literally the past 2 years?

Why waste your time on revenge fantasies?

This is a simple case of delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

[shattered91]

11 hours ago, kendahke said:

You don't. Change your number.

She would probably laugh you off if you tried because it would come across to her as weak sauce since she will already know why you're doing it. It'll be a good laugh to her. Ignore her and never give her another audience ever in life.

Beware the hole you dig for someone else let you fall into it yourself.  Her karma will catch up with her without you even being involved.

I will keep this in mind. It is clear to me that she gets validation and enjoyment out of the reaction she gets out of me in complete disregard of how much damage it has caused me. Maybe permanently depriving her of this is the best path forward 

[shattered91]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why waste your time on revenge fantasies?

This is a simple case of delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.

I’ve done what you recommended and blocked her everywhere. 
 

I entertained the notion of some sort of revenge to try and reclaim some of the dignity she has slowly stripped me of. I feel like she does things to me because I’ve shown her in the past that she can without any consequences. Part of me would really like to change that in spite of how logical just cutting all ties with her is. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, shattered91 said:

I entertained the notion of some sort of revenge to try and reclaim some of the dignity 

Revenge can't restore a dignity you striped from yourself. In fact acting like a psyco ex will further erode whatever dignity you may have left after allowing yourself to get involved and obsessed with someone so inappropriate.

If you are really a physician, you would be concerned with losing your license if you have restraining orders or other judgements against you.

[shattered91]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Revenge can't restore a dignity you striped from yourself. In fact acting like a psyco ex will further erode whatever dignity you may have left after allowing yourself to get involved and obsessed with someone so inappropriate.

If you are really a physician, you would be concerned with losing your license if you have restraining orders or other judgements against you.

Good points. I’m not saying I intend to entertain any more abuse from her. But I’m sure you can understand where I am coming from. I’ve considered myself to be a pretty strong person throughout a majority of my life, and this woman managed to nearly drive me to insanity while I was undergoing treatment for a disease I wasn’t even sure I would be able to beat. It’s hard to let her just get away with something like that. The disgusting, volatile, things I’ve allowed her to say to me should honestly be illegal and I don’t know why I should show her any mercy when she has never and would never give me any. 

Edited November 4, 2020 by shattered91

[Wiseman2]

You allowed it. When you take responsibility for that you'll find peace.

As long as you continue to allow the locus of control to be exterior you'll feel like a helpless victim 

[dangerous]

OP. After reading your opening post, the answer is clear, as many have already said, take action as follows:

- she is not perfect, she is very flawed and damaging to you: you need to cut her out of your life!

- you need to stop all contact. Block her. Delete her number, remove all social media links, refuse to engage with her if she appears somehow.

- Get busy with other things.

- Keep  actioning all these points.

Good luck man, rebuild yourself.

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, shattered91 said:

It is clear to me that she gets validation and enjoyment out of the reaction she gets out of me in complete disregard of how much damage it has caused me. Maybe permanently depriving her of this is the best path forward 

She may, she may not---only she knows... the rest is speculation and wishful thinking.

Nail that door shut. Do something that demonstrates that you love yourself more than you love being debased by her.

[mark clemson]

@shattered91 is it possible you have some tendencies towards borderline personality disorder? You seem to be going from "needing" her immensely to hating her immensely for all that she has put you through quite rapidly. This isn't a diagnosis or an accusation or anything like that - just something you could consider looking into a bit, once this breakup is cleared off your plate.

You might consider some IC before trying to start the next relationship, both to get yourself emotionally healed AND to help you walk away or more effectively address things if the next partner has some issues of their own.

[shattered91]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

@shattered91 is it possible you have some tendencies towards borderline personality disorder? You seem to be going from "needing" her immensely to hating her immensely for all that she has put you through quite rapidly. This isn't a diagnosis or an accusation or anything like that - just something you could consider looking into a bit, once this breakup is cleared off your plate.

You might consider some IC before trying to start the next relationship, both to get yourself emotionally healed AND to help you walk away or more effectively address things if the next partner has some issues of their own.

I don’t know about that. I really hope I don’t meet the criteria for BPD because that would really make it seem like I am the one in the wrong. It’s possible but I’d like to think my own behavior towards her wasn’t so manipulative and unstable that it would make this a possibility. She projected a lot of her drama into me over a sustained period so I think that just has me feeling really confused and lost with my own emotions. I agree though, I have no idea how long it will take for me to be ready to date anyone after this. I’m worried it could take years for me to fully trust another woman again. 

[CollinW]

She clearly was using you as an emotional placeholder while she looked for someone she actually liked. We've all been there. Stop analyzing the situation and finding ways to demonize her and just move on.

The reason this happened is because you knew she couldn't care less about you emotionally but you didn't value yourself enough to put an end to it. The key to healing is owning it and doing better. 

[shattered91]

12 hours ago, CollinW said:

She clearly was using you as an emotional placeholder while she looked for someone she actually liked. We've all been there. Stop analyzing the situation and finding ways to demonize her and just move on.

The reason this happened is because you knew she couldn't care less about you emotionally but you didn't value yourself enough to put an end to it. The key to healing is owning it and doing better. 

Perhaps therapy could really help me then. Because I've been aware of all this, hell even strangers who only see the tip of the iceberg with this have an amazing clear analysis of this situation, and yet I still could never end it on my own. Maybe it really does come from something in my past I can't identify or just a lack of relationship experience before her, but it definitely seems like something beyond my own ability to reconcile. 

[Fletch Lives]

This is why some people cut contact and block.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, there is no wrong here. She didn't pull a gun out on you. There is no wrong.  

It's YOUR job to stay away from people who aren't good for you. There is no principal you call in to mediate--this isn't grade school. She didn't batter you or steal all your money! Or isolate you from your family with threats. You didn't threaten to track you down and kill you and your family if you left her. No, you simply don't have the "antibodies" yet to repeal a person who is toxic for you. It's your task to grow from this or you'll find yourself dealing with the same issue with the next woman ... and the next ... and the next.

That's why you need really to go to therapy. You're talking as if you're a child and she's the adult and thus you weren't responsible for staying away from her. No, that IS your responsibility. There are all kinds of toxic people who will use us and emotionally manipulate us if we don't say no. Those folks cross our paths everyday of the week. It's OK that you struggled to keep her at bay--as long as you now realize it's up to you to avoid people like this in the future. That means YOU want to take this as a chance to figure out how you became such a willing victim. And the answer is that something in your family background and your makeup led to this vulnerability. You have a vital piece of relationship software missing .

BTW: me bets that you don't have many close friends. One benefit of having close friends--of both genders--is they can provide the support and perspective that allows us not to rely on someone toxic. That's part of your agenda as well--to develop real friendships.  Me also bets that your job situation isn't that great ... and your hobbies and interests and focus aren't that great. Because if you were really enjoying your life--you wouldn't less this person throw you off course. 

Look, most of us encounter people like this. You're not alone and you're not defective. But you need to build your full life. It's a full life that provides protection against the charms of people like this.  

[balletomane]

Lotsgoingon gives some good advice. I was in an abusive relationship for two years, which left me with PTSD. Therapy was a life-changing experience for me. It helped me to accept my own power and agency. By that I don't mean to say that I blame myself for my ex's abusive behaviour (we are all responsible for our own choices, and that principle applies to him just as much as it applies to me), but that I recognise I'm not helpless in the face of other people's actions. For various reasons, I used to struggle with asserting myself, and I almost never got angry with people. If I did, I felt guilty over it. I was a people-pleaser. Naturally this made me an easy target for a man like my ex, who was the exact opposite - in his mind he was never wrong about anything and he had frequent violent rages. Now, following therapy, I wouldn't stand for that any more. I know it because I'm so much more assertive in smaller things. If a colleague asks me to take on a job that I really don't have time for, for example, I no longer say yes and then work into the night in order to accommodate the colleague; I say no, I'm too busy. I know that my rest time is as important as other people's. I'm sure that this situation with your ex won't be the only situation where you've felt helpless and acted as if you have no personal control over what goes on, beyond spilling out your feelings and hoping the other person will soothe them. We all have our patterns, and therapy can help us to figure out where they need reworking.

[shattered91]

On 11/6/2020 at 12:58 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, there is no wrong here. She didn't pull a gun out on you. There is no wrong.  

It's YOUR job to stay away from people who aren't good for you. There is no principal you call in to mediate--this isn't grade school. She didn't batter you or steal all your money! Or isolate you from your family with threats. You didn't threaten to track you down and kill you and your family if you left her. No, you simply don't have the "antibodies" yet to repeal a person who is toxic for you. It's your task to grow from this or you'll find yourself dealing with the same issue with the next woman ... and the next ... and the next.

That's why you need really to go to therapy. You're talking as if you're a child and she's the adult and thus you weren't responsible for staying away from her. No, that IS your responsibility. There are all kinds of toxic people who will use us and emotionally manipulate us if we don't say no. Those folks cross our paths everyday of the week. It's OK that you struggled to keep her at bay--as long as you now realize it's up to you to avoid people like this in the future. That means YOU want to take this as a chance to figure out how you became such a willing victim. And the answer is that something in your family background and your makeup led to this vulnerability. You have a vital piece of relationship software missing .

BTW: me bets that you don't have many close friends. One benefit of having close friends--of both genders--is they can provide the support and perspective that allows us not to rely on someone toxic. That's part of your agenda as well--to develop real friendships.  Me also bets that your job situation isn't that great ... and your hobbies and interests and focus aren't that great. Because if you were really enjoying your life--you wouldn't less this person throw you off course. 

Look, most of us encounter people like this. You're not alone and you're not defective. But you need to build your full life. It's a full life that provides protection against the charms of people like this.  

Much of this is admittedly very true. Especially your analogy about antibodies. Hopefully I don’t fall into something like this ever again. 
 

And all your bets on my life details are pretty much correct too 

Edited November 9, 2020 by shattered91

[shattered91]

On 11/6/2020 at 1:34 PM, balletomane said:

Lotsgoingon gives some good advice. I was in an abusive relationship for two years, which left me with PTSD. Therapy was a life-changing experience for me. It helped me to accept my own power and agency. By that I don't mean to say that I blame myself for my ex's abusive behaviour (we are all responsible for our own choices, and that principle applies to him just as much as it applies to me), but that I recognise I'm not helpless in the face of other people's actions. For various reasons, I used to struggle with asserting myself, and I almost never got angry with people. If I did, I felt guilty over it. I was a people-pleaser. Naturally this made me an easy target for a man like my ex, who was the exact opposite - in his mind he was never wrong about anything and he had frequent violent rages. Now, following therapy, I wouldn't stand for that any more. I know it because I'm so much more assertive in smaller things. If a colleague asks me to take on a job that I really don't have time for, for example, I no longer say yes and then work into the night in order to accommodate the colleague; I say no, I'm too busy. I know that my rest time is as important as other people's. I'm sure that this situation with your ex won't be the only situation where you've felt helpless and acted as if you have no personal control over what goes on, beyond spilling out your feelings and hoping the other person will soothe them. We all have our patterns, and therapy can help us to figure out where they need reworking.

How you describe yourself sounds almost like a carbon copy of me. Like almost every single line. This woman would act like she was never wrong and even the slightest criticisms would throw her into a tantrum where she would call me horrible names. Now that a little time has passed, I can look at things a little more clearly and realize that how I behave with her is definitely indicative of some sort of personal conflict/control issues that I deal with subconsciously. What I still can’t anwser is why this person alone has brought this out in me. No other woman I have dated has ever had this effect on me or even though none of them had the kind of emotional baggage she has or have treated me as poorly as this. 

[elaine567]

Problem is once you have been the victim of abuse, you tend to run straight into the arms of another abuser.
These people are always on the look out for a "victim" and you might as well have "victim" tattooed on your forehead, the abuse you have suffered makes you vulnerable.
You will be so open to anyone who shows you anything that is better than your ex, that you are likely to ignore red flags in an attempt to make it work, this time... 
Get therapy both to heal your broken soul and to make sure you recognise a potential abuser early doors and to make sure your boundaries are secure.

[Lotsgoingon]

14 hours ago, shattered91 said:

What I still can’t anwser is why this person alone has brought this out in me. No other woman I have dated has ever had this effect on me or even though none of them had the kind of emotional baggage she has or have treated me as poorly as this. 

Love this quote. Some people just have the right mix of qualities can confuse our radar. Most likely there is some quality about this woman that is special and unique and different than other women you've been with. 

[Miss Spider]

14 hours ago, shattered91 said:

How you describe yourself sounds almost like a carbon copy of me. Like almost every single line. This woman would act like she was never wrong and even the slightest criticisms would throw her into a tantrum where she would call me horrible names. Now that a little time has passed, I can look at things a little more clearly and realize that how I behave with her is definitely indicative of some sort of personal conflict/control issues that I deal with subconsciously. What I still can’t anwser is why this person alone has brought this out in me. No other woman I have dated has ever had this effect on me or even though none of them had the kind of emotional baggage she has or have treated me as poorly as this. 

Sunken cost fallacy. The fact that it was so hard for you and you poured more effort and emotions it to it makes it harder for you to let go. You want a return on your investment. It seems contradictory, but it’s a common phenomenon 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Problem is once you have been the victim of abuse, you tend to run straight into the arms of another abuser.
These people are always on the look out for a "victim" and you might as well have "victim" tattooed on your forehead, the abuse you have suffered makes you vulnerable.

Speaking of "victim", what you write is all about what was done to you with little in the way of personal responsibility.   Having this victim mentality will hinder your personal growth as you try to grow and move on.   Have you started therapy yet?    This is something to discuss.

[shattered91]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Love this quote. Some people just have the right mix of qualities can confuse our radar. Most likely there is some quality about this woman that is special and unique and different than other women you've been with. 

She has her talents. She is not as successful professionally as most other woman I have dated, but her other interests definitely did intrigue me. I don’t know the degree to which she exaggerated them at this point since I caught her in a number of lies at this point, put her games have certainly confused me. 

[shattered91]

3 hours ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said:

Sunken cost fallacy. The fact that it was so hard for you and you poured more effort and emotions it to it makes it harder for you to let go. You want a return on your investment. It seems contradictory, but it’s a common phenomenon 

I completely agree. Part of the difficulty is having sacrificed so much for her (read earlier thread I linked for details) so having her behave this way towards me after pouring all that into her is definitely hard to swallow. 

[shattered91]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Speaking of "victim", what you write is all about what was done to you with little in the way of personal responsibility.   Having this victim mentality will hinder your personal growth as you try to grow and move on.   Have you started therapy yet?    This is something to discuss.

I mean if you asked her she would say she was the one who was “victimized” through all of this. I have not started therapy yet (working overnight for the next month) but when I do I will definitely bring up the gaslighting she has put me through in making me feel this way. 

Edited November 10, 2020 by shattered91