Absolutely wrecked and heartbroken. Don't know what to do

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, shattered91 said:

It's failed me. I can't go long without reaching out to her in some way. And even if I do resist, it is only a matter of time before she finds a reason to talk to me. 

The only reason why it's failed you is because you refuse to take responsibility for your actions and you don't want to accept the consequences of your behavior.

How about this: stop failing yourself and making excuses for failing yourself. This heavy lift is all on you, not her or anyone else. If you want to stop being jerked around, accept that she doesn't love you, she certainly doesn't respect you--nor is she obligated to just because you feel a way. Going by what you've chosen to write, her actions have made it clear to me---and I'm not even remotely a part of this---that she's got nothing for you.  The moment she moved to be near him was your cue to put her on block.

None of what you are doing is making you attractive to her--quite the opposite. She's not coming back around and no amount of confessing your feelings to her is going to make her say "wow, I didn't realize how much shattered91 loves me and I'm in the wrong place with the wrong guy--I'm going to uproot myself, dump this guy I've already uprooted my life for and moved and move back so I can be with him".  That's not going to happen.

Quit investing in this fantasy and get with reality. That starts with nailing shut her access door.

Doormats aren't precious commodities.

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

The only reason why it's failed you is because you refuse to take responsibility for your actions and you don't want to accept the consequences of your behavior.

How about this: stop failing yourself and making excuses for failing yourself. This heavy lift is all on you, not her or anyone else. If you want to stop being jerked around, accept that she doesn't love you, she certainly doesn't respect you--nor is she obligated to just because you feel a way. Going by what you've chosen to write, her actions have made it clear to me---and I'm not even remotely a part of this---that she's got nothing for you.  The moment she moved to be near him was your cue to put her on block.

None of what you are doing is making you attractive to her--quite the opposite. She's not coming back around and no amount of confessing your feelings to her is going to make her say "wow, I didn't realize how much shattered91 loves me and I'm in the wrong place with the wrong guy--I'm going to uproot myself, dump this guy I've already uprooted my life for and moved and move back so I can be with him".  That's not going to happen.

Quit investing in this fantasy and get with reality. That starts with nailing shut her access door.

Doormats aren't precious commodities.

Then why is she continuing to jerk me around like this? That is the part that messes with me the most. I’d like to hope she is not a sociopath and is only trying to cause me pain after I poured so much into her when she was depressed and contemplating suicide when I first started seeing her. I mean if that’s true then a part of my hope in humanity has honestly died. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by shattered91

[ShyViolet]

19 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

Then why is she continuing to jerk me around like this? That is the part that messes with me the most. I’d like to hope she is not a sociopath and is only trying to cause me pain after I poured so much into her when she was depressed and contemplating suicide when I first started seeing her. I mean if that’s true then a part of my hope in humanity has honestly died. 

It doesn't matter "why" she has acted like this.  You'll never get an answer to that.  Stop talking as if you have no choice in this matter.  We all make decisions and are in control of our own actions.  The only way you are going to get better is if you stop perpetuating this dysfunctional cycle; STOP contact with this woman, and get into therapy. 

[mark clemson]

The bottom line is simple. You NEED to 100% let her go. Seek therapy if needed to help address doing that. In fact, do whatever it takes, within reason. 7 hours of texting is 7 hours of your life wasted at this point. As for the question below...

On 10/30/2020 at 4:26 PM, shattered91 said:

Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me?

 

Do some internet research on narcissistic hoovering as well as well as something known as the Drama Triangle. I'm not 100% sure either of those apply, but they will give you ideas of what might be going on with her. There are a variety of reasons people string others along. It can sometimes be a simple as insecurity/fear of being alone, but sometimes there is more to it. I think @schlumpy's advice on the 180 is solid as well as it might help. Bottom line is end this and find a way to not let her back in so you can move on to something healthier (not to mention actually real, she has moved to a new city to be with someone else, so most of this is essentially in your head right now).

[smackie9]

Keep going forward, and don't look back. If you do what's necessary, you will start to see a light at the end of the tunnel in a few weeks.

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Keep going forward, and don't look back. If you do what's necessary, you will start to see a light at the end of the tunnel in a few weeks.

Thank you. I really just want to feel normal again like the way I did before I met her. I will do whatever it takes 

[kendahke]

On 10/31/2020 at 7:43 PM, shattered91 said:

Then why is she continuing to jerk me around like this?

Two reasons:

1. because she doesn't respect you nor does she care about your feelings, so she swats you around for amusement...

2. because you let her.

You think that doing the same, worn out confessing of your feelings to her is going to flip her into someone she's not interested in being instead of denying her access to your attention. She wouldn't be jerking you around if she couldn't get in contact with you. That's just the plain simple fact you won't get with.

What you're doing is not attractive, nor is it respect-inducing. She isn't attracted to what you're offering, so stop it.

Quote

I poured so much into her when she was depressed and contemplating suicide when I first started seeing her.

Go on YouTube and look up the song "Dont' you want me, baby?"  Listen to the lyrics to both verses in that song.  Clearly, she's not depressed and contemplating suicide anymore--she grew out of that and got on with her life and found someone else.  It could be you remind her of that bad time in her life and she doesn't want to be stuck in that energy with you.  That happens sometimes.

Quote

I mean if that’s true then a part of my hope in humanity has honestly died. 

Welcome to being an adult.

 

[shattered91]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

Two reasons:

1. because she doesn't respect you nor does she care about your feelings, so she swats you around for amusement...

2. because you let her.

You think that doing the same, worn out confessing of your feelings to her is going to flip her into someone she's not interested in being instead of denying her access to your attention. She wouldn't be jerking you around if she couldn't get in contact with you. That's just the plain simple fact you won't get with.

What you're doing is not attractive, nor is it respect-inducing. She isn't attracted to what you're offering, so stop it.

Go on YouTube and look up the song "Dont' you want me, baby?"  Listen to the lyrics to both verses in that song.  Clearly, she's not depressed and contemplating suicide anymore--she grew out of that and got on with her life and found someone else.  It could be you remind her of that bad time in her life and she doesn't want to be stuck in that energy with you.  That happens sometimes.

Welcome to being an adult.

 

Fine-well maybe the question I should be asking is, what can I do at this point to make her feel the way she has made me feel for literally the past 2 years?

[balletomane]

3 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

Fine-well maybe the question I should be asking is, what can I do at this point to make her feel the way she has made me feel for literally the past 2 years?

You insist that you're deeply in love with her, but also say that she's made you feel awful for two years, and now you want her to feel the same way. None of this is loving. You're not in love, you're fixated on someone, and that's a very different thing. To feel better, you need to break the fixation, and that means asking yourself why you would spend two years chasing someone who makes you feel terrible. "I love her" isn't an answer - what specifically draws you to this chaotic and painful situation?

 

[shattered91]

22 minutes ago, balletomane said:

You insist that you're deeply in love with her, but also say that she's made you feel awful for two years, and now you want her to feel the same way. None of this is loving. You're not in love, you're fixated on someone, and that's a very different thing. To feel better, you need to break the fixation, and that means asking yourself why you would spend two years chasing someone who makes you feel terrible. "I love her" isn't an answer - what specifically draws you to this chaotic and painful situation?

 

I honestly don’t know. It started with me being genuinely concerned for her well being when I first met her with her depression, etc where she pushed me away for the first time. Then I started dating her and saw all the red flags she portrayed and felt stupid for putting so much effort into someone so immature and unstable. I kept my distance and my emotional guard up with her for months and let her pursue me but always resisted any attempt on her part to spend time with me. But then when I got my cancer diagnosis, I opened up to her about it against my better judgement and  ever since I’ve been sucked back into the same familiar rut that she put me through around this time last year. 
 

But given the incredible accurate impression that strangers on an anonymous forum have given me about how this woman has cruelly messed with me for her own deranged pleasures, I just feel so abused and can’t believe I let someone do this to me for this amount of time.

One thing even I can guarantee is that this woman WILL reach out to me again probably within the next couple weeks either through another phone number of some other means. How do I prepare myself for that and deliver the same treatment to her? I ignored her most recent communication prior to this thread  and she responded by adding me back on Instagram. I foolishly took this as an extension of an olive branch and screwed up by once again giving her the validation she wanted. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by shattered91

[basil67]

On 11/1/2020 at 10:43 AM, shattered91 said:

Then why is she continuing to jerk me around like this? That is the part that messes with me the most. I’d like to hope she is not a sociopath and is only trying to cause me pain after I poured so much into her when she was depressed and contemplating suicide when I first started seeing her. I mean if that’s true then a part of my hope in humanity has honestly died. 

I doubt she even sees that she's jerking you around.    She's probably given very little thought as to how you feel.   

 

39 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

Fine-well maybe the question I should be asking is, what can I do at this point to make her feel the way she has made me feel for literally the past 2 years?

If you want to one-up her, block her and leave her blocked.  Even if she finds a sneaky way to you, block that too.    Remember that the one who walks away and stays away from this mess is the one who wins. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by basil67

[shattered91]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I doubt she even sees that she's jerking you around.    She's probably given very little thought as to how you feel.   

 

If you want to one-up her, block her and leave her blocked.  Even if she finds a sneaky way to you, block that too.    Remember that the one who walks away and stays away from this mess is the one who wins. 

I agree. It’s what I should have done for so long. I was finally in a better position by not responding to her, but I let her add me back on IG like an idiot and gave her back all her power. I think that is part of the reason I am so shaken this time 
 

[LivingWaterPlease]

38 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I agree. It’s what I should have done for so long. I was finally in a better position by not responding to her, but I let her add me back on IG like an idiot and gave her back all her power. I think that is part of the reason I am so shaken this time 
 

The good news for you is that you recognize your problem and are taking steps to get away from this woman by coming here and opening up about it! Good for you,  shattered91! You're on your way to recovery!

Another good thing I see from your posts is that you haven't written anything about her that shows you admire her. Your opinion of her is negative. That's a plus for getting over her, too, IMO!

You have to face how utterly selfish and narcissistic of her it was for her to chatter on about her new guy to you while you were going through cancer treatment this summer.

You mention she is young. You also said earlier, though, something that I'm curious about. You said you dated her but kept her at arms length because you saw many red flags. It seems a little self defeating to me for a person to date someone and keep them at arms length. But, you probably realize that.

As to the other guy being better looking and more successful than you are, you need to understand that, especially with women, looks are not what they are to a man. Granted, good looks are appealing to women. But emotional appeal is more powerful than a man's appearance to many women and although she is with this guy, now, that you think is superior to you, she is still coming back to you for something she's not getting from him. So he's really not all that to her.

That said, please don't get your hopes up for her because it seems to me that by continuing to contact and engage with you she's cheating on her bf by having somewhat of an emotional affair with you. And I know you don't want to be with a cheater.

From what you write about her I doubt she can be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now. Honestly, from what you write about her it seems to me that she's a loser who is very insecure. You can do a whole lot better. I believe you know it and that you will!

[Wiseman2]

On 10/31/2020 at 7:43 PM, shattered91 said:

 I poured so much into her when she was depressed and contemplating suicide when I first started seeing her. 

She was never yours to fix. She is simply not capable of the kind of relationship you want ..or any relationship for that matter.

[schlumpy]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

Clearly, she's not depressed and contemplating suicide anymore--she grew out of that and got on with her life and found someone else.  It could be you remind her of that bad time in her life and she doesn't want to be stuck in that energy with you.  That happens sometimes

That is a good a possibility.

Remember the parable of the Scorpion and the Frog? If not, you should read up on it. You might recognize yourself.

http://www.teachthesoul.com/2013/11/the-frog-and-the-scorpion/

 

[shattered91]

Thank you all for your replies. I've been reading back at some of our conversations over the past year and the points others are outlining are becoming more and more apparent to me now. I posted on this forum under other usernames in the past (was honestly embarrassed to post under the same name since I subconsciously realized that I had been blatantly ignoring the advise people had been giving me ever since this started). I've pasted the links below to other threads I've started about her below if it helps fill in any gaps. Most recent is at the top.

Seriously, I have uncovered so many lies reading back that she has fed to me over the past 2 years that it makes me feel ill. I don't even believe her anymore that she was ever "raped" considering how warped she is and she very well may have made that story up for sympathy as well. If I ever hear from her again I will tell her to go f%$k herself.

I really don't know if I should be angry at her for all she has done to me, or angry at myself for allowing all this to occur. That she would say such horrible, cruel things about me and my family (while I was being treated for cancer) after all the sacrifices I've made bending over backwards to care for her during all of her histrionic meltdowns over trivial bs is something I never really thought I would encounter in my dating life. It honestly makes me never want to date anyone again.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 2, 2020 by shattered91

[shattered91]

15 hours ago, LivingWaterPlease said:

The good news for you is that you recognize your problem and are taking steps to get away from this woman by coming here and opening up about it! Good for you,  shattered91! You're on your way to recovery!

Another good thing I see from your posts is that you haven't written anything about her that shows you admire her. Your opinion of her is negative. That's a plus for getting over her, too, IMO!

You have to face how utterly selfish and narcissistic of her it was for her to chatter on about her new guy to you while you were going through cancer treatment this summer.

You mention she is young. You also said earlier, though, something that I'm curious about. You said you dated her but kept her at arms length because you saw many red flags. It seems a little self defeating to me for a person to date someone and keep them at arms length. But, you probably realize that.

As to the other guy being better looking and more successful than you are, you need to understand that, especially with women, looks are not what they are to a man. Granted, good looks are appealing to women. But emotional appeal is more powerful than a man's appearance to many women and although she is with this guy, now, that you think is superior to you, she is still coming back to you for something she's not getting from him. So he's really not all that to her.

That said, please don't get your hopes up for her because it seems to me that by continuing to contact and engage with you she's cheating on her bf by having somewhat of an emotional affair with you. And I know you don't want to be with a cheater.

From what you write about her I doubt she can be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now. Honestly, from what you write about her it seems to me that she's a loser who is very insecure. You can do a whole lot better. I believe you know it and that you will!

She is extremely insecure, immature, and histrionic. Not to mention perhaps the single most self-centered person I think I have ever met. Sometimes when you are caught in a deep state of infatuation for someone I guess it can just be hard to see this clearly. 

[Acacia98]

49 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

She is extremely insecure, immature, and histrionic. Not to mention perhaps the single most self-centered person I think I have ever met. Sometimes when you are caught in a deep state of infatuation for someone I guess it can just be hard to see this clearly. 

But why would you get infatuated with someone like this in the first place? Have you asked yourself that question? When folks get into these kinds of relationships then have a hard time ending them once it becomes obvious that they're toxic, it's usually because they had similar experiences (i.e. emotional abuse) in their formative years. It sounds like you would benefit tremendously from therapy/counselling, not just regarding this relationship but also your earlier (family?) experiences. Maybe those same experiences are at the root of your drinking, smoking, and gambling?

Edited November 2, 2020 by Acacia98

[shattered91]

25 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

But why would you get infatuated with someone like this in the first place? Have you asked yourself that question? When folks get into these kinds of relationships then have a hard time ending them once it becomes obvious that they're toxic, it's usually because they had similar experiences (i.e. emotional abuse) in their formative years. It sounds like you would benefit tremendously from therapy/counselling, not just regarding this relationship but also your earlier (family?) experiences. Maybe those same experiences are at the root of your drinking, smoking, and gambling?

I’ve waited a long time to get into dating due to my career and she was the first person I really had any true emotional or physical intimacy with. I’ve had others since her but she had distracted me from giving those relationships the attention and genuineness they deserved and they consequently failed too (though all on good terms and never anything like what I have dealt with with this woman). There was never much if any emotional abuse I experienced as a child. Perhaps I’ve always had a lower than average self esteem but it’s not like having this woman constantly highlight all the things that make me flawed and how all of her other “options” are better than me has done much to improve that. 
 

I was in a much better position with her last winter when she went away on a trip. I was able to see clearly when she would try to play games with me and would always act like any respectable man would and not give her the validation and prostration she would crave. But then I got cancer, underwent months of treatment and have just been trying to pick up the pieces in my life ever since (it was successfully treated and is unlikely to return). Opening up to her about it definitely has something to do with this since I told very few people I was sick and spent a countless number of hours texting her about it 

Edited November 2, 2020 by shattered91

[mortensorchid]

I'm sorry you are hurt by this.  If it makes you feel better we've all been there in some form or another.  But as to how to heal from this situation?  No contact.  Erase all her contact information, walk away and never speak a word again.  That rejection that changed me did that to me - I erased his number and never spoke a word to him again.  There is something to be said by doing so, it shows you have class and dignity.  And she is taking all of that from you.

[shattered91]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She was never yours to fix. She is simply not capable of the kind of relationship you want ..or any relationship for that matter.

I have no doubt. She will do the same to any man she is ever with. Although she mentioned things aren’t going well with this new guy all of a sudden since she ran away across the country, part of me almost feels like I should warn him about how dangerous, manipulative, and destructive this woman is if he allows himself to get to close to her. As soon as she told me his name (I coincidently vaguely know this guy from a hospital I worked at), she became extremely paranoid and tried to make me promise not to reach out to him revealing who she really is as a person. 

Edited November 3, 2020 by shattered91

[balletomane]

If you contact him, you're just going to make yourself look jealous, controlling, and needy. You've sent her a barrage of texts telling her how much you love and miss her, and those combined with you contacting him would be enough to convince him that you're just a bitter ex. Besides, it's very clear that your main motivation is to punish her by making her feel as you feel, which is just obsessing about her in a different way. The only way to heal is to stop obsessing about her, not by letting the obsession continue in a different form.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, shattered91 said:

, part of me almost feels like I should warn him about how dangerous, manipulative, and destructive this woman is if he allows himself to get to close to her. 

This battle is with your own demons not her. She's merely a canvas you've chosen to paint all this out on.

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

If you contact him, you're just going to make yourself look jealous, controlling, and needy. You've sent her a barrage of texts telling her how much you love and miss her, and those combined with you contacting him would be enough to convince him that you're just a bitter ex. Besides, it's very clear that your main motivation is to punish her by making her feel as you feel, which is just obsessing about her in a different way. The only way to heal is to stop obsessing about her, not by letting the obsession continue in a different form.

I know that is how it would look and I wouldn’t actually stoop to that level. I agree this behavior just drags this on further and only would make me continue thinking about her. Needless to say there is a certain satisfaction in knowing I could do something that would almost certainly expedite the amount of time it will take for her to screw up this current dalliance considering that she would undoubtably do the same to me if the roles were switched. Like if this colleague of mine saw screenshots of the kinds of abusive, immature, and all around unstable messages this women has sent me, I don’t think this “relationship” would last much longer. Unless this other guy has already gotten as screwed up as I have by her.  

Edited November 3, 2020 by shattered91

[kendahke]

On 11/2/2020 at 12:39 AM, shattered91 said:

Fine-well maybe the question I should be asking is, what can I do at this point to make her feel the way she has made me feel for literally the past 2 years?

Nothing except put her on block and move the heck on.

You're asking how do you manipulate her when what you should be focusing on is getting over her and getting on with the rest of your life.  This is junior high school drama you're trying to get into.