Absolutely wrecked and heartbroken. Don't know what to do

[shattered91]

I'm not really sure where to begin with this. But I'll try my best to summarize the most pertinent details. I was in a relationship with a girl up until the beginning of the year. It ended up failing in part due to distance and feelings of incompatibility. However, ever since then she has never fully let me go. This person absolutely drove me to the brink of insanity for about a year prior with her demands, games, and gaslighting tactics but I fell in love with her almost immediately after meeting her and have basically let her treat me however she has wanted. Basically for the past few months it has been the same pattern with her-she reaches out to me for some trivial nonsense or for "help," I answer her, quickly start talking about my feelings for her and tell her I want her back, then she picks a fight with me and blocks me for several weeks until she reaches out again. Every time I feel like I am beginning to heal she rips opened the wound again and I don't know how much more I can take. She fed me breadcrumbs for months telling me about someone else she was seeing and gave me his name yesterday by "accident." I look him up and he is far more attractive and successful than I am. And she recently moved across the country just to be with him. I spent literally about 7 hours texting her yesterday confessing my feelings and telling her how much I miss her and want her back in my life. It's almost like she enjoys watching me suffer over her. I just feel so broken at this point. Like I have no self respect left, no pride, or anything. And I know she will still reach out to me again, and I will answer her because I love her and feel an unconditional attraction to her. Please help me. I just want some control over this situation again. I want her back but I don't even know why. Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me? I know this is vague but I would be happy to give any additional details if needed. 

Edited October 30, 2020 by shattered91

[Ellener]

40 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I just want some control over this situation again.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time, the only control you have is over yourself in this situation though. Maybe it's time to stop engaging with this mixed-up lady and let go?
Or to accept her irrational erratic behaviour and engage with her on her dysfunctional terms...which doesn't seem like a good solution if it's making you miserable already.

45 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me?

You can't know...all you can do is decide whether to stay with the pattern or move away from it.

We've most of us been there one time or another, and hooked into the feelings and emotional intensity, then realised it really is not what love should be about.

 

[schlumpy]

41 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

It's almost like she enjoys watching me suffer over her. I just feel so broken at this point. Like I have no self respect left, no pride, or anything. And I know she will still reach out to me again, and I will answer her because I love her and feel an unconditional attraction to her. Please help me. I just want some control over this situation again. I want her back but I don't even know why. Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me? I know this is vague but I would be happy to give any additional details if needed. 

She does enjoy it although she's not alone.

It's very hard for her to resist toying with you. She feels totally in control and loves the feeling. You will do anything she says just as if you were a puppet on strings and you will sit and wait for her. The reason she does it is that It's in her nature, just as it is in your nature to prove your love to her by prostrating yourself before her perfection.

You do think of her as perfection, do you not?

What do your friends think of her perfection? What's an outside view from someone that has your best interest at heart look like?

You should ask your friends to be honest about how they see her.

If you wish to recover your dignity and self-respect you will have to go cold turkey. That means no contact and it means getting rid of anything that reminds you of this woman. Erase her from social media as well as your phone. Box up your memorabilia and put the box in attic where it will take some effort to retrieve. 

Type into your browser "cheating 180." Varieties of the 180 program will appear. Follow as much of the program as you can. It will help you detach from your feelings over a period of months.

If it's financially possible, you should consider getting a new phone with a new number and moving when your lease is up. Don't leave any forwarding address.

It has to be as clean a break as you can manage.

Then you grieve as if someone had died and you get better as time passes.

[shattered91]

1 minute ago, schlumpy said:

She does enjoy it although she's not alone.

It's very hard for her to resist toying with you. She feels totally in control and loves the feeling. You will do anything she says just as if you were a puppet on strings and you will sit and wait for her. The reason she does it is that It's in her nature, just as it is in your nature to prove your love to her by prostrating yourself before her perfection.

You do think of her as perfection, do you not?

What do your friends think of her perfection? What's an outside view from someone that has your best interest at heart look like?

You should ask your friends to be honest about how they see her.

If you wish to recover your dignity and self-respect you will have to go cold turkey. That means no contact and it means getting rid of anything that reminds you of this woman. Erase her from social media as well as your phone. Box up your memorabilia and put the box in attic where it will take some effort to retrieve. 

Type into your browser "cheating 180." Varieties of the 180 program will appear. Follow as much of the program as you can. It will help you detach from your feelings over a period of months.

If it's financially possible, you should consider getting a new phone with a new number and moving when your lease is up. Don't leave any forwarding address.

It has to be as clean a break as you can manage.

Then you grieve as if someone had died and you get better as time passes.

The problem with this approach is that I've tried it before. It's failed me. I can't go long without reaching out to her in some way. And even if I do resist, it is only a matter of time before she finds a reason to talk to me. 

I do see her as perfection. When I was dating her, as soon as I tried to take off the rose colored glasses and tried to find some kind of comfort with her that didn't involve me spending every single moment of my free time with her, she would get angry and start putting pressure on me.

I don't really talk to my friends about this. That a woman can manage to make me completely lose my composure like this constantly is embarrassing to me and I wouldn't want anyone to know.

Is getting her to come home and be with me again possible? I know it probably goes against common advice, but I never really got a chance to see this relationship through and I really worry I could never recover unless that happens. The past few months have been a blur in my mind since I've been so distracted by her and I don't want all my efforts with her to have been for nothing. We did help each other through some very personal and difficult times so I don't think it is delusional of me to think that she still must care on some level about this. 

[DarrenB]

7 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I do see her as perfection.

Perfect simply does not exist. However, someone you class as 'perfect' wouldn't treat someone how she treated you. I'm glad you've managed to acknowledge the fact that you have no self-respect and next to no pride (as a bluntly harsh as it sounds) because it's a step towards a pivotal part of you moving forward. 

Certain toxic people adore the fact that people are severely infatuated with them, and they get a sense of superiority over that person because as it seems in this case, you would do anything for them with nothing in return. More often that not, it's a guilty pleasure for most people and they aren't satisfied until they see the other person crumble at their feet. This isn't a way of life, it's not healthy and I'm sure you know this... but you're letting it continue because you have an element of tunnel vision for her - all you see is her. 

Why would you want her back? for the same ridiculous things to transpire on an endless loop? you said it yourself the relationship fell apart due to incompatibility, and something that you claim to be 'perfect' and worth all of this unnecessary stress and commotion wouldn't be due to the cause of incompatibility. 

Look what she's done to you, what positive aspect have you taken from this? none. She's blatantly moved on with her life and in the process continued to defile your character. 

The only thing left for you to do is to take the necessary steps towards moving on in a life that doesn't revolve or involve her at all. I urge you seek professional help if possible within your local area. I also suggest you get in touch with friends and make some plans with them to distract yourself. Don't neglect your nutrition and general health/wellbeing - eat enough food, get enough sleep, cycle your stress through activities that you enjoy. You need a plan of action.

[shattered91]

24 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

Perfect simply does not exist. However, someone you class as 'perfect' wouldn't treat someone how she treated you. I'm glad you've managed to acknowledge the fact that you have no self-respect and next to no pride (as a bluntly harsh as it sounds) because it's a step towards a pivotal part of you moving forward. 

Certain toxic people adore the fact that people are severely infatuated with them, and they get a sense of superiority over that person because as it seems in this case, you would do anything for them with nothing in return. More often that not, it's a guilty pleasure for most people and they aren't satisfied until they see the other person crumble at their feet. This isn't a way of life, it's not healthy and I'm sure you know this... but you're letting it continue because you have an element of tunnel vision for her - all you see is her. 

Why would you want her back? for the same ridiculous things to transpire on an endless loop? you said it yourself the relationship fell apart due to incompatibility, and something that you claim to be 'perfect' and worth all of this unnecessary stress and commotion wouldn't be due to the cause of incompatibility. 

Look what she's done to you, what positive aspect have you taken from this? none. She's blatantly moved on with her life and in the process continued to defile your character. 

The only thing left for you to do is to take the necessary steps towards moving on in a life that doesn't revolve or involve her at all. I urge you seek professional help if possible within your local area. I also suggest you get in touch with friends and make some plans with them to distract yourself. Don't neglect your nutrition and general health/wellbeing - eat enough food, get enough sleep, cycle your stress through activities that you enjoy. You need a plan of action.

She used the word incompatible. I never did. Although we do have differences, I've always believed we fundamentally want the same things out of life. 

But the things I've entertained from her honestly have my ego damaged to levels I don't even know where to begin fixing. I underwent treatment for a rare bone cancer all summer (in remission now) the whole time listening to her talking about this new guy. The mental state I was in while getting chemotherapy wasn't anything I would wish on my worst enemy, yet things were still always about her and her happiness.

I almost feel like I have myself to blame for letting this happen but you are right, nothing positive has come out of my interactions with her. Even when I had her where I wanter her, she would not respect my time, bombard me constantly with messages, and criticize my lifestyle habits ruthlessly. And now I've made a fool out of myself once again begging her to come back to me. 

I neglected a lot of my own health over the past several months. Having an extremely high stress job and cancer didn't exactly help, but when I first found out she was seeing someone else in June, I hardly ate for 2 weeks and slept erratically. It was finally getting better lately and then I let her suck me in yesterday and its like I am right back to the same familiar gut-wrenching feeling. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by shattered91

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, shattered91 said:

Is getting her to come home and be with me again possible? I know it probably goes against common advice, but I never really got a chance to see this relationship through and I really worry I could never recover unless that happens. The past few months have been a blur in my mind since I've been so distracted by her and I don't want all my efforts with her to have been for nothing. We did help each other through some very personal and difficult times so I don't think it is delusional of me to think that she still must care on some level about this. 

The only way I can see her entertaining the notion of a romantic relationship with you is if she respects you.

How you engender that respect I guess is up to you.

Usually respect comes when the other person recognizes that you have value. You are not acting as if you have any value.

I think you should reconsider going no contact. It's not your mental health that is the concern but your physical health.

To recover from a disease like cancer you must be in the right frame of mind. Your involvement with this woman could be a life or death decision on your part.

It's not just a matter of the heart.

Make a decision that is in your best interest. It's time to be selfish.

[TeddyBundy1993]

Sorry to say but you were in a relationship with a dumb mentally unstable psychopath who gains fun by making other suffer, I m sure if you dig up her history you'll find many unusual things about her. Anyway before that you need to regain control over yourself. You are not in a correct state of mind as you cannot see what is she trying to do. Above all you are doing opposite by chasing her while you should run away from her. Yeah you might be in love with this creepy women but you are in love with a wrong women. She has gone to someone else moreover to another country be a wise man use this opportunity to get rid of her.  Because the only way to get rid of her is by adjusting in a life without her being happy without her. She did her job by giving you breadcrumbs, its usually the same from most of dumpers. Be wise let her deal with her life your love wont change her mind wont chase her personality.  Think about yourself or what outcome you and her together might bring ? More negativity what else?  

Block her everywhere change your phone numbers, seek a therapist as well you really need someone to talk about your feelings shed a few tears theres no shame in doing that. In short move on from her. Do it your way but do it for yourself 

[ShyViolet]

Your going back to this woman over and over and keeping this drama going shows that you have poor judgment and poor decision making.  You describe very unhealthy and toxic behavior that she has displayed again and again, yet you refuse to cut contact with her and you keep the lines of communication open so that this dysfunctional cycle can just keep going.  You sound like you have mental health issues of your own that you need to deal with.  There is no making this relationship work, it is dysfunctional and toxic and you will not find any peace until you cut off contact with this person completely, and then get yourself into therapy to work on your own mental health issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

Given how much this has affected your mental state, I would urge you to seek out a qualified and compassionate therapist. 

There is no future with this unstable woman. 

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, shattered91 said:

 But the things I've entertained from her honestly have my ego damaged to levels I don't even know where to begin fixing. I underwent treatment for a rare bone cancer all summer (in remission now) the whole time listening to her talking about this new guy. The mental state I was in while getting chemotherapy wasn't anything I would wish on my worst enemy, yet things were still always about her and her happiness.

Man, your story is heartwrenching. If you're not careful this relationship is going to kill you. Someone going through something as terrible as a cancer diagnosis then treatment should not be anywhere near this toxic person.

Please get yourself into counselling. Please tell your friends what you're going through. Please block her everywhere. These things will make some small difference in the short term that will (hopefully) give you the strength to completely disengage.

Edited October 31, 2020 by Acacia98

[Mystery4u]

You already have control of the situation. You are the only one who can control your own actions. So start doing that by not replying to her messages, not answering her calls. Even better, delete and block her on everything.

Nobody is going to hold your hand and do it for you. You have to want to do it yourself. Take some responsibility for your own actions.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully your cancer is in remission and you are making progress. 

It sounds like you would benefit from getting evaluated by a physician for the depression and obsessions. 

This ex is just a symptom of much larger problems. 

[shattered91]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully your cancer is in remission and you are making progress. 

It sounds like you would benefit from getting evaluated by a physician for the depression and obsessions. 

This ex is just a symptom of much larger problems. 

I agree that seeking therapy is a good option. Really I do. But I am a physician myself and there is a huge stigma against men who go to therapy in this field. In the summer I used my connections to obtain some lexapro (antidepressant) to combat the anxiety and depression under the radar and it made me feel horrible and didn't do anything for me. So I stopped taking it after a few weeks.

The worst part about this is I never had any of these issues until I met her. When I met her two years ago she had (still has) depression of her own and I let her project it into me and it's changed my character into something I never wanted to be. I understand fully what is going on and I can't do anything because my judgement is so affected and clouded by feelings of limerence. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by shattered91

[d0nnivain]

You're a doctor?  I thought you were some lovesick college student.  

Stigma or no, there are groups within the AMA for doctors who need help.  Avail yourself of them without shame. 

Try making a list of all the horrible things she did to you.  Write it all down.   Next list write down all the ways you are incompatible.  Add the distance factor in here too.  You couldn't make this work conventionally.  No way an LDR survives.  

Next step  will be hard for you.  You have to delete her contacts from your devices.  Unfriend on social media.  Blocking would probably be better.  You are too weak to resist answering her or replying to her so your best hope is to make sure she can't get through.  Advise any staff you have to not even bother to write down a message from her.  

While you are figuring out how to wean yourself off her, read up on addiction in various medical journals so you can better understand what you are facing.  Apply what you learn to staying away from her.  

[Ellener]

36 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I am a physician myself and there is a huge stigma against men who go to therapy in this field.

Believe me I understand prejudice, but I think the only way to tackle it is face it down and insist on better conditions and acceptance. Do that in an acceptable way, not an emotional meltdown, and a lot of people will listen.

Other people's view of you is not as important as your own view of yourself.

Being a doctor is a trying job, a difficult job, and you seem to have immersed yourself in this woman as a distraction or something? 

Lots of realistic life women would love to be your real friend or partner I am guessing, but something has undermined your self-confidence or opinions about that? You seem to have entered a fantasy with this woman who is just playing her own set of games.

I'm guessing you judge yourself way more critically than everyone around you does. So stop. This dalliance proved you are as human and fallible as the rest of us- and you can recover yourself like the rest of us too.

 

[shattered91]

25 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Believe me I understand prejudice, but I think the only way to tackle it is face it down and insist on better conditions and acceptance. Do that in an acceptable way, not an emotional meltdown, and a lot of people will listen.

Other people's view of you is not as important as your own view of yourself.

Being a doctor is a trying job, a difficult job, and you seem to have immersed yourself in this woman as a distraction or something? 

Lots of realistic life women would love to be your real friend or partner I am guessing, but something has undermined your self-confidence or opinions about that? You seem to have entered a fantasy with this woman who is just playing her own set of games.

I'm guessing you judge yourself way more critically than everyone around you does. So stop. This dalliance proved you are as human and fallible as the rest of us- and you can recover yourself like the rest of us too.

 

You are very kind. There are a lot of things about my life right now unrelated to her that are making me unhappy. So in a way I am definitely using her as a distraction. I felt genuinely happy during my short lived relationship with her for the first time in years so I desperately want that back. I miss the intimacy, the trips we would take and the respect we once had for each other. It doesn’t help me much that this other guy is also a doctor in a more lucrative specialty and just finished all of his training. It’s almost like she went on tinder or some other dating app looking for someone who would cause me as much jealousy and insecurity as possible. 

Edited October 31, 2020 by shattered91

[Trail Blazer]

You already know the answer.  Block her and never have anything to do with her again.  Clearly, if it were that simple, you'd have done this and you wouldn't be here.

You must know that this woman is not right in the head.  We don't need to tell you this.  Anyone who enjoys inflicting misery on others is derivative of a sociopath.

What is it about this woman that keeps drawing you in?

It's hard for anyone to be able to help you when you already know what you need to do, yet you're somehow unable (or unwilling?) to enact on it.

Do you have an addictive personality?  I wonder if the good times you've had with her released dopamine on some enormous scale to the point you became addicted to her?

I'm no psychologist, but I have heard of people falling for someone to the point where they are obsessed with that person.  Their need to be around that person is akin to an addict looking for their next hit.

If thid describes you then you are in a very unhealthy mental state and you need to seek help.  Why is it shameful to seek help?  Nobody is immune to mental health struggles.  Are you from a western country?

[shattered91]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You already know the answer.  Block her and never have anything to do with her again.  Clearly, if it were that simple, you'd have done this and you wouldn't be here.

You must know that this woman is not right in the head.  We don't need to tell you this.  Anyone who enjoys inflicting misery on others is derivative of a sociopath.

What is it about this woman that keeps drawing you in?

It's hard for anyone to be able to help you when you already know what you need to do, yet you're somehow unable (or unwilling?) to enact on it.

Do you have an addictive personality?  I wonder if the good times you've had with her released dopamine on some enormous scale to the point you became addicted to her?

I'm no psychologist, but I have heard of people falling for someone to the point where they are obsessed with that person.  Their need to be around that person is akin to an addict looking for their next hit.

If thid describes you then you are in a very unhealthy mental state and you need to seek help.  Why is it shameful to seek help?  Nobody is immune to mental health struggles.  Are you from a western country?

Yes I have a super addictive personality as do most people in my family. I can’t control that part and it sucks. I haven’t been in a lot of relationships in my life and never had one that had the level of emotional and physical intimacy this one has had so I am definitely hooked on the dopamine rush on some level. 

And yes I am from a western country (North America). I tried a medication designed to target OCD and depression and it did absolutely nothing for me. After all this person has done to me I just don’t know if I can stomach having to hit the rock bottom point of seeing a therapist to cope. 

 

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

I just don’t know if I can stomach having to hit the rock bottom point of seeing a therapist to cope. 

 

Seeing a therapist is not rock bottom.  It's the rung of the ladder to climb out of the hole you dig for yourself.  You are the one stigmatizing mental health.  No one is doing that to you.  Stop.   

You are a helper & a healer.  You know how important it is for patients to reach out to you to treat them.  It's doubly important for you to get help & support.  You can't do your job if you are distracted by dopamine & your addiction to this woman.  

Think of it like getting into & then graduating from med school.  Other students around you were partying & living the easy life.  You sacrificed that to be able to study because you had goals that require effort.  Your goal here is to free yourself from your obsession with her.  What steps does that require ? Take them.  

Edited October 31, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Trail Blazer]

11 minutes ago, shattered91 said:

Yes I have a super addictive personality as do most people in my family. I can’t control that part and it sucks. I haven’t been in a lot of relationships in my life and never had one that had the level of emotional and physical intimacy this one has had so I am definitely hooked on the dopamine rush on some level. 

And yes I am from a western country (North America). I tried a medication designed to target OCD and depression and it did absolutely nothing for me. After all this person has done to me I just don’t know if I can stomach having to hit the rock bottom point of seeing a therapist to cope. 

 

How does this woman get in contact with you?  What will happen if you block her cell phone number, her social media accounts and anything else you've ever used as a medium for contact.

Have you tried blocking her?  If so, why has that failed?  Can you somehow forgo the compulsion to check up on her on SM?

One thing you have to stop doing is confessing your feelings to her.  It's a pathetic thing to do (I'm talking objectively - I'm not actually saying that you are pathetic).  It just plays into her hands. 

I dunno, man... it's like she has a gun to your head, but the gun isn't loaded, you know it isn't loaded but you know that if it was loaded, she'd shoot you.  Yet, despite all of this knowlege, you still hand over the bullet to her so she can shoot you.

You need to try and manage things better.  Manage your addiction.  Try and find things to do that will distract you from her.  Do literally anything.  Whatever your hobbies, splurge on them, spoil yourself... so long as you're not feeding a toxic addiction.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I was in the same situation you are in. Fell in love with a woman who was a friend. She was needy and looked up to me in many ways. She would call on me for support and for help--all the time! I couldn't resist. Helping her, responding to her, made me feel competent and powerful. And because I loved her, I actually got some pleasure from helping her. That's the thing. You're probably getting pleasure from helping her--it makes you feel appreciated, makes you feel smart and competent. And she knows how to press that button in yo. 

Ultimately I had to cut things off totally with my friend and we did have some good friendship elements. But I was about to lose my mind.  Every time I tried to set a boundary (ask that we talk less frequently) she would throw a tantrum and I would back off. Finally I just stopped returning her calls. You'll get to this point eventually or else this woman will hijack your life. Ultimately, the longer you keep interacting with her, the more she'll start telling you about guys she's dating, and if you're really ensnared in her charms, you'll give her advice on that too. 

Occasionally I still miss talking to this woman. But she had no respect for my time or my emotions. One thing I did finally learn from this experience was the need to be able to say "no" to people. Therapy would be a great move because trust me, if you're having trouble setting boundaries with this woman (having trouble saying "no" when you know helping her isn't good for you) then I guarantee you that you have this problem in other areas in your life and with other relationships.  

But I get it. This woman has the rare gift of making you feel great in some way when she asks for help. You can't resist. It's intoxicating to help her .And yet ... you are just getting deeper in love with her without any hope of getting that love requited. 

Don't be too hard on yourself. This would be a great issue to take to therapy. If we cannot say no to people, we cannot create our own priorities and live our own lives.

[smackie9]

Please help you??? Help you do what? This girl gets her jollies by messing with you...that's a sure has hell a pattern of a psychopath. They are charming, believable, know how to manipulate people into doing whatever they want, etc. We can't really do much for you here because you can't accept our advice or any of our explanations ...you will just keep bargaining, go into denial. You need to see a therapist to sort your brain out.

[shattered91]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Please help you??? Help you do what? This girl gets her jollies by messing with you...that's a sure has hell a pattern of a psychopath. They are charming, believable, know how to manipulate people into doing whatever they want, etc. We can't really do much for you here because you can't accept our advice or any of our explanations ...you will just keep bargaining, go into denial. You need to see a therapist to sort your brain out.

I’m working on it now. I’ve blocked her as hard as it is (she’s blocked me anyways as she usually does but this way she can’t come back in weeks, months, etc). I hope I can follow through with it and keep it this way. I will look into therapists because this has made me sick in more ways than I can count. I just can’t believe it’s come to this and that I’ve let a young immature woman do this to me over and over again. I almost hate myself for allowing this to happen.

Edited October 31, 2020 by shattered91

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, shattered91 said:

Basically for the past few months it has been the same pattern with her-she reaches out to me for some trivial nonsense or for "help," I answer her, quickly start talking about my feelings for her and tell her I want her back,

22 hours ago, shattered91 said:

Every time I feel like I am beginning to heal she rips opened the wound again and I don't know how much more I can take

22 hours ago, shattered91 said:

She fed me breadcrumbs for months telling me about someone else she was seeing and gave me his name yesterday by "accident." 

And she recently moved across the country just to be with him.

Quote

I spent literally about 7 hours texting her yesterday confessing my feelings and telling her how much I miss her and want her back in my life.

It's almost like she enjoys watching me suffer over her. 
And I know she will still reach out to me again, and I will answer her because I love her and feel an unconditional attraction to her.

Quote

Please help me. I just want some control over this situation again. I want her back but I don't even know why. Can someone at least tell me why she is doing this to me?

The plain and simple answer: because you allow her to contact you.

The answer to all your problems here is you growing a backbone and blocking her.  Stop allowing her to sabotage your healing and moving on when you know for certain today--Oct 31, 2020--that she moved across the country to be with another guy. She didn't move closer to be with you.

All the love in the world doesn't excuse what you are doing to yourself. At some point, you have to figure out if you love yourself more than this chick. If you don't, then how do you expect her or any other chick to respect you, let alone love you?  Doormats are not items one puts in the safe and locks away because it's that precious an item. It's left outdoors, outside of a locked door, for feet to be wiped on before crossing the threshold into the house.  You are her doormat--and you wonder why she treats you like she does. Have a better consideration for yourself than you do, even if that means you talk to a therapist to have them help you retrieve your self worth.