4455 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Hi all. I'll preface this by saying I've never been the most relationship-oriented, and although I'm in my early 30s, most of my dating experience with men has been long-term friends with benefits, flings, or a couple months of dating that doesn't go anywhere. For a couple months, I've been dating a guy I met on one of the apps. He's nice, smart, and the conversations are good. It's been a once a week type thing because I've been pretty swamped with work/pandemic and I've just noticed that although I have some fun with him, in general I'm not excited to talk to him/see him or thinking about him in between the hangouts. However, before this it had been about a year since I'd dated anyone and I'd recently been feeling like I should probably give the real relationship/commitment thing a go for once. Unfortunately I'm just not feeling it with him, for no particular reason, but I keep thinking if I just let it go on more I'll get more into it and maybe I'm just afraid of intimacy and having a real relationship, but the truth is I'd rather just be on my couch. For some reason though, something is stopping me from ending it. Wondering if anyone has experienced this/has any insight. Thanks so much.
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Figure out why you don't want any real commitment...maybe talk it over with a therapist. Once you get to the rootof whatever it is, you will be able to make a decision about this guy.
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 There is no law or rules saying you must be in a romantic relationship. If it's not your thing then don't do it. Do what makes you happy. If being in fwb all of your life makes you happy so be it. 2 1
Author 4455 Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 Thanks so much for the replies. I should have added that I have in my life had romantic feelings for guys that were beyond casual, but it's only been 2-3 times; one turned into a mutual bf/gf-type relationship in my early 20s, and the other was mid-20s but the guy was much more interested in FWB so the didn't progress to a real relationship. I just find it's very rare and difficult for me to want a commitment and it's a bit frustrating because I do like the idea of feeling that way about someone and wanting to see them all the time and integrate them into my life, I just haven't felt it very often, but I think I may just be pushing for this to be the time it happens.
FMW Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 I don't think it's that unusual. I think more than just a few people end up in long term relationships and get married because of a clock ticking on the need to settle down and maybe have a family, not because they are really feeling some deep and compelling connection. If you don't think about him between the times you get together, and if you don't feel any excitement about the thought of seeing him, then it's just not working for you. Doesn't matter how well you get along and how nice the conversation is. If you aren't compelled to see him - it's just not there. You say you've felt the romantic feelings before, the relationships just didn't last. Nothing unusual about that, it takes a while to find the right fit sometimes. You can't force it. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 You don't have to entirely break it off unless you want to. If you're both fine with getting together now and then, there's nothing wrong with that. I have romantic ideas about being with someone, but sometimes, like now, I'm happier single without the compromises.
Fletch Lives Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Love is rare, huh?! It only has to happen once with the right guy. So you are not sure why you can't let this guy go? Maybe you like him more than you think. At any rate, I'm sure things will workout the way they were meant to.
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 If you would rather be alone on your couch than with him, let him go. He deserves to be able to find somebody who is genuinely excited to be around him. That said, long time love is not the same as the early stages of falling in love. It's not the whirlwind non-stop excitement of falling in love. It's more steady & peaceful. At least for me in the beginning it was all tingles & excitement about getting dressed up & going some where & doing something with my then BF. Now it's more like yuck, it's rainy & cold I'm so happy we can light a fire & curl up on the couch together, it's the comfort from getting through this pandemic together, it's the peace of knowing somebody shares my deep concerns about the state of the world but we can deal with them together from the safety of our house. In short it's more about comfort and deep connection then shallow shiny excitement. I think the introspection of the Qs you are asking about what you is very helpful. 2
Wiseman2 Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 11 hours ago, 4455 said: , most of my dating experience with men has been long-term friends with benefits, flings, or a couple months of dating that doesn't go anywhere. Ok. This is fine if it's your choice. There's no reason to try to force fit this guy into your life if: 1. You don't even want serious relationships in general 2. You don't even like this guy too much.
Mystery4u Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 You just haven't met that person that makes you want to commit yet. When you do, you will know it. If you already know the current guy is not going to be that person, you are just wasting time being with him when you could me meeting potential others. 2
notbroken Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Why be with someone you aren't "definitely yes!" about? If you still feel the same in a month then let him go. Not everyone belongs 'hitched'. Maybe you are someone that just doesn't want or need that. Forcing it won't end well for anyone. Personally, I don't want to be with someone that is 'meh' about me. We all want to be wanted.
boymommy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 I feel like fear of committment/intimacy is a real thing, as is not really being into the person you are dating. My take is that you cant really force yourself to like someone you don’t. BUT if you have fears of intimacy, this is where things get a little grey because often this fear can translate into fault finding and being super nitpicking about a partner in order to avoid getting too close emotionally too them and maintain a “safe distance.” Its really hard to know the difference at times if you do in fact have legit intimacy issues. My suggestion would be to attempt trying to get closer to the person your dating currently and see how you feel. Does this make you feel super anxious and upset? (Fear of intimacy) Or do you feel like you aren’t very excited or interested in being around them? (Lack of interest in that person) I feel like if you do this you will find your answer AND potentially figure out what it is your issues are with relationships are at the same time!
boymommy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, 4455 said: Thanks so much for the replies. I should have added that I have in my life had romantic feelings for guys that were beyond casual, but it's only been 2-3 times; one turned into a mutual bf/gf-type relationship in my early 20s, and the other was mid-20s but the guy was much more interested in FWB so the didn't progress to a real relationship. I just find it's very rare and difficult for me to want a commitment and it's a bit frustrating because I do like the idea of feeling that way about someone and wanting to see them all the time and integrate them into my life, I just haven't felt it very often, but I think I may just be pushing for this to be the time it happens. Maybe you are particular/picky about who you commit to? I am too! After my divorce my therapist had me list qualities I was looking for in a partner. I made a list of 22 things! Obviously its hard to find all those things in one man! My boyfriend fit all but 3 on my list so not bad! Edited October 30, 2020 by boymommy
ShyViolet Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 15 hours ago, 4455 said: Unfortunately I'm just not feeling it with him, for no particular reason, but I keep thinking if I just let it go on more I'll get more into it and maybe I'm just afraid of intimacy and having a real relationship, but the truth is I'd rather just be on my couch. No. If you're not feeling it with him and you're finding yourself not excited about seeing him, then you should end it. Letting it go on longer is just wasting his time, not to mention your time as well.
SumGuy Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 @4455 What you have going sounds pretty low key and casual the way it is. Given you are not big on relationships is it surprising to you that you don't really think about him? As long as both of you are having a good time why overthink it, just take if for what it is. Sounds like when you are together you both have fun. The both part is the catch, do you think he wants more? If he is good with the pace of things no need to change, nor should you feel you need to take it to the next level. If you feel he wants more, an honest talk to keep expectations real would be good. There are all kinds of relationships, once a week with two very independent lives is one kind, and it can even be exclusive instead of FWB if you like.
kendahke Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 18 hours ago, 4455 said: I keep thinking if I just let it go on more I'll get more into it and maybe I'm just afraid of intimacy and having a real relationship, but the truth is I'd rather just be on my couch. That's called "why-bother-itis". I'm guilty of that myself and am pretty much where you are right now with the guy I'm seeing, but for some reasons that have become evident in the 8 months we've been talking. He doesn't do it for you. That's all that is. The man who does will spark a different reaction.
Miss Spider Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 You do you NOT need a therapist just because you don’t want a commitment relationship. Let’s normalize being content outside of romantic relationship, instead of forcing ourselves to date someone we’re not feeling that much 2
poppyfields Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) 42 minutes ago, Shortskirtslonglashes said: You do you NOT need a therapist just because you don’t want a commitment relationship. Let’s normalize being content outside of romantic relationship, instead of forcing ourselves to date someone we’re not feeling that much I agree with this. There is a big difference between simply not wanting a committed relationship and fearing it. It's perfectly OK to prefer being on your own, doing your own thing, not having to answer to anyone, sitting on your couch watching the tele or eating pizza; not everyone is cut out for "togetherness" and close intimate connections. I do think fear of intimacy/ commitment is a real thing, but I dont sense that's what's happening here. You haven't met anyone yet that's important enough to want to commit to and that is ok! Or perhaps you don't want to be in a committed relationship (with anyone), which is ok too. Doesn't mean you fear it, you simply don't want it! Don't feel pressured by society to conform to some arbitrary standard of what you "should" want, you do YOU, stay true to yourself. Edited October 30, 2020 by poppyfields
Author 4455 Posted October 30, 2020 Author Posted October 30, 2020 Just wanted to thank everyone again for their replies. It's definitely true that when you have intimacy issues to a certain degree, it can be tough to distinguish whether you are just not interested in someone, or pushing them away out of fear. I think since he hasn't pushed for more time spent together and/or a more serious commitment, I'll see what happens (without leading him on of course), and go from there. You've all given me so much help and a lot to think about, so thank you again! 1
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