How to get free from my over controlling and paranoid adult daughter?

[howtobefreealready]

My adult daughter tries to control my life and has been doing so since my husband (her father) passed away 9 years ago. I did go through a temporary rough patch after he passed but never lost control of my life except I lost a lot of weight and became dehydrated leaving me in the hospital a few times. She freaked out which I understand b/c I am her sole parent now.

Once I started dating a few years after that, she became worse and constantly had to know about my dates. I dated someone on and off for about 6 yrs and she resented him so bad that I had to keep them separated most of the time. She couldn't see what I liked about him. The reality was that he was very good to me but he did have a bit of a troubled past when it came to money but he was recovering slowly from that. In any event, I broke up with him over a year ago and starting see a nice man from out of town. While she was a little better for a while, lately she's started over again. When she asks about my weekend plans and tell her he is visiting, she either makes a face or says why can't you go 1 weekend without seeing him (which I did when she visited 2 months ago b/c I know she didn't want to see him). She also says I should be spending more time with my girlfriends "because when you break up with him you'll have no one". Nice huh??

She also constantly asks what I'm eating even though I gained the weight back a few years ago.

I tried a few months ago to tell her that I am a grown women and can take care of myself and she need not worry or get involved in my life by micromanaging it. I don't do that to her.

Unfortunately the one time she met my bf, she was turned off by his outspokenness. she felt he was disrespectful (I don't though). She is visiting again soon with her finance for 8 days and I don't want to ban him from my home and he wants to see her and maybe get a 2nd chance with her.

How do I proceed?

 

[Timshel]

Your daughter lost her father. 

She has and will have grief for the loss of her dad for the rest of her life.  You know this, you say.  She saw you in hospital several times while she was grieving; she loves you, she is afraid to lose you too.  This is worry not micromanaging.

Spend time with your daughter and her future husband, perhaps the father of your future grandchildren.  Yours and your late husbands legacy.  Take some alone time with your daughter and let her talk and you Listen.  Hear her and see her for the woman she is becoming.  Give her a voice to you.

Have your bf over for dinner once while she is there.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like she is concerned but misguided. Share less with her, talk about friends, family, whatever. 

[ShyViolet]

She only acts like this if you allow it.  If she can't stop acting controlling and negative towards you then don't allow her to come visit.  It sounds like you're setting yourself up for 8 days of conflict and drama, why would you do that?  You should tell her very firmly that if she cannot act respectful and polite during the visit, then she she is not welcome to come visit.