Saartje Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) Hi there, I found out something about my ex-boyfriend while I was stalking him on socials (shame on me, I should not have done that, I know). Anyway, during our relationship, which lasted a couple of months, I discovered early on that he was still having contact with a girl he had once slept with. They where texting each other weekly, sending each other pictures of themselves ( no nudes or anything) and they seemingly had a ‘connection’. Not being totally flirty, but calling each other ‘miss’ and ‘mister’. He even sent her pics that he also sent me. I asked my ex about his contact with this girl. He said that he once had sex with her, that the sex was disappointing and then they decided to stay friends. I told him I didnt really feel comfortable with him still talking weekly with a girl he had sex with. At the same time, I discovered some really racist/offensive posts on her socials and also her fathers profile was full of pictures hinting at white-supremacy. I showed it to my ex, and he told me that, now he had seen this, he was definitely done with her. FYI, I’m Caucasian but I really condemn anything that has to with racism and I’m pretty vocal about it. Anyway, my ex deleted her on all socials but he never told her he wanted to end it with her. He told me that she even didnt mean that much to him and could easily delete her. FFW to yesterday, I was bored and stalked ex’s profile and also her profile. And, very much to my suprise, my ex liked her recent profile picture! So this means that he has reconnected to her on the socials, and even more, is liking her pictures. While he said he is totally done with her bc of the racist posts. I don’t know why, but this feels like a punch in my stomach. His lying about being done with her, not even minding her racist posts at all and the whole act that she never meant anything to him. I’m also afraid he’s gonna gossip about me, making me look like a fool. I know I should let it go, but right now it feels really stupid.. Edited October 29, 2020 by Saartje
Mystery4u Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Yes you were being fooled. He is your ex now so who cares? You shouldn't. 4 2
ShyViolet Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 What does it matter now whether he is talking to this girl or not? He is your EX. It's all in the past. Let it go and move on. 3
Gaeta Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 So here is the thing. You have to decide what you want and don't want in a relationship and own it. If you don't want a boyfriend to be in contact with ex-sex-friends then say so, if boyfriend keeps in touch with exs then dump him. At 2 months dating there is no negotiating these rules. The boyfriend is in or he's out. You don't want to date a liar than don't, you don't want to date a cheater then don't. Cut them loose fast. Remember: When you feel the need to spy on a boyfriend it's because the relationship is already over. I am glad he's an ex. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 14 minutes ago, Saartje said: which lasted a couple of months, I discovered early on that he was still having contact with a girl he had once slept with. 8 weeks of dating is long enough to know you're not a match. Why did you break up? Unfortunately he knows who she was and still knows who she is.
smackie9 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Here's a tip: you are not that important to people that they are continually talking and thinking trash about you, etc.people just don't. I doubt he's thinking about you at all, now that you have stopped dating. When you confront someone like him, he's gonna lie about it just to end the conversation, tell you what you want to hear to make it go away. You dated for two months...that hardly constitutes any real commitment to having strong feelings, strong enough that they are going to continue caring about you, act appropriately in your eyes. He's just carrying on with his life, and what he does and why is none of your business or anyone else's. You are being butt hurt for nothing. He doesn't deserve a second thought in your mind. I'm guessing you are trying to figure out what the real cause of your relationship to end. I doubt it had anything to do with her, or his light interest in her...that's right, a light interest. He's just liking some photos on social media...that's usually quite meaningless. And his actions are not to hurt you or to cause issues with you...that isn't his intent, he's just being him. You two broke up....I say that's a good thing because you are finding out more things about him that you don't like. You dodged a bullet. 1 1
carhill Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Sounds like the latest activities confirm why ex'es are ex'es for a reason. Slam the lid shut on this coffin and onward and turn the nebulous reasons to the nether. Billions of other guys to meet! 4
Alvi Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) He is obviously your ex for a reason. It doesn't really matter what he did anymore to be quite honest. It's no longer relevant, he is no longer relevant to you, and you need to see it that way. I think you need to leave the past in the past and get on with your life. You should stop talking to your ex, and stop following him around on a social medial. Delete him on everything. Otherwise, you'll get stuck in this bubble. Edited October 29, 2020 by Alvi 2
Author Saartje Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 Thank you all for your replies. We actually had a full relationship for about 7 months (including meeting parents, talking about moving in etc.) You all are right about leaving the past the past. It’s just hard for me to grasp why someone says he’s totally ‘done’ with someone because ‘her morals are all wrong and messed up’(his comment on her racist posts) and then eventually turns up to reconnect and interact with that same person. This just makes you a liar or someone without a backbone.. It’s kind of a dissappointment I guess
Author Saartje Posted October 29, 2020 Author Posted October 29, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: 8 weeks of dating is long enough to know you're not a match. Why did you break up? Unfortunately he knows who she was and still knows who she is. We broke up because he said hurtful things to me on occasion. I was already thinking of breaking up with him, bc I just didnt feel happy. He was always in conflict with multiple people. I once told him that he should act as a grown up man and that if he wouldn’t change his weird/rude behaviour towards people, I didnt want him to meet my friends. He then broke up with me because he felt hurt. He send me a lengthy mail full of things that are ‘wrong’ with me and then blocked me. He came up again 3 weeks later, saying that he hadn’t broke up with me, but just wanted a ‘time-out’. I then brushed him off, saying that I wont allow him to treat me like that, he then blocked me again and we never spoke again Edited October 29, 2020 by Saartje
CaliforniaGirl Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 Here's my take: don't ever "stalk" SM (you knew that was coming, though...I'm sorry to finger-wag). Besides the obvious (it's just wrong and intrusive, period), you can only get hurt. There IS nothing good that can come of it. I mean unless you're actually legitimately in danger somehow, in which case you either call the police or, if they won't pursue the issue, you can always call a PI. But that obviously wasn't the case. So, moving on... If he's only "liking" her profile, then probably he's just still into her, while he's not making much traction. But who cares? He's stuck somewhere and it isn't on you. You can ONLY get hurt, doing this. He won't discover this other thing just can never work out, then turn back to you. If he did you'd just be fall-back position temporarily; second string. Until he found another person who floated his boat the way this other woman did. Could you stand that? Let the past stay in the past. Don't be that person...the intrustive person. And the person who lets herself keep getting hurt by things she herself is doing. Don't lower yourself that way. He will never be the one for you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 2 hours ago, Saartje said: I’m also afraid he’s gonna gossip about me, making me look like a fool. Why would he gossip about you? What I mean is that if you're off his radar now and he's focusing on another woman, it's unlikely he's spending his time talking about you. He's got other distractions. But yes, I do agree that he wasn't being honest about his connection with this woman. It seems this is merely confirmation of what you already knew, deep-down. He sounds like a toxic person anyway. Thank goodness he's not your headache to worry about anymore. 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 44 minutes ago, Saartje said: We broke up because he said hurtful things to me on occasion. He send me a lengthy mail full of things that are ‘wrong’ with me and then blocked me. You dodged a bullet.
Trail Blazer Posted October 29, 2020 Posted October 29, 2020 If you were still dating the dude then I'd say this is a huge red flag. But he's an ex now. So what? It doesn't matter now. 1
Ami1uwant Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Are you concerned you need to be a racist now? 2
Ellener Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 9 hours ago, Saartje said: I was bored and stalked ex’s profile and also her profile. Why? What good can come of these unhealthy things? Just stop and go get counselling if you can't. 1
MsJayne Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 Your question is, "Was I being fooled?" Fooled about what? Doesn't sound like he hid anything or pretended to be something he wasn't. So, my answer's no. 2
Fletch Lives Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 The longer you follow this guy the longer it's going to take to get over him. Find another hobby. 2 2
kendahke Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, Saartje said: It’s just hard for me to grasp why someone says he’s totally ‘done’ with someone because ‘her morals are all wrong and messed up’(his comment on her racist posts) and then eventually turns up to reconnect and interact with that same person. Access to convenient sex. It's that simple. He told you what you wanted to hear so that he could get sex from you. And also, on some level, he has no problem with her beliefs like you do and that's why he didn't cut her loose on your terms. Edited October 30, 2020 by kendahke 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted October 30, 2020 Posted October 30, 2020 What you can take away from this experience is that a man or woman who trash talks people behind their backs (and then grins in their face) cannot be trusted. You may not see it now, but you have dodged a bullet. 1
smackie9 Posted October 31, 2020 Posted October 31, 2020 No excuses....you had the opportunity to walk when you found out about this: "I discovered early on that he was still having contact with a girl he had once slept with. They where texting each other weekly,....." Sorry but you only have yourself to kick in the butt. 1
Miss Spider Posted November 1, 2020 Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) Guess he doesn’t care that she’s a racist. He just wanna smash Edited November 1, 2020 by Shortskirtslonglashes
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